PTSD: We are NOT Broken | San Pao | TEDxDirigo

I was in a dark basement 13 years ago alcohol on my breath just like the stale air in Iraq it feels normal I've been home for a few months I go down to my knees hands shaking and tears running down my face I pick up a loaded 9-millimeter handgun and place it under my chin my eyes closed gently squeezing the trigger is when mine races through my life's history that led up to this very moment with post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms of flashbacks fear anxiety and on the verge of suicide just two years old sick so

sick laying on top of a block of ice in a refugee camp that's my family fled to Khmer Rouge after two and a half years of living at the same refugee camp that I was named after my family was lucky to be sponsored by an American couple as we sought asylum in the US the relief and enjoyment of freedom in America changed the pain when my father died when I was in the fourth grade holding a photo and crying every night from my dad the following summer I worked at a fish factory waking at 4:00

in the morning to go to work my mother had not returned home until 8 p.m. that summer I made more than enough money that I could ever imagine at the time and all I kept us $300 because I needed money for school clothes and my family needed food in middle and high school I ran track to avoid joining a local gang come to find out I was fast and I could jump although I was athletic ly talented I dreamed of going to college to pursue a business degree but being poor and without a mentor I

needed a leg up and one day I walked into an army recruiter's office I recall the recruiter saying you're joining the National Guard son and you will never be deployed what a crock of he said you can do anything and you can join anything and your scores were good on the aptitude test except you can't choose military intelligence because it requires you to be a citizen of the United States hearing that was hurtful I thought I was an American I enlisted anyway in 2001 by the end of my senior year of high school still a

resident alien in a little over 24 months I found myself packed up and headed for the Iraq war first of two deployments an hour after landing I are already witnessed one Iraqi man fighting for his life and another dead that was just the beginning of hell it is now 2004 I've been in country and I already lost two friends to a suicide bomber in our dining facility in Forward Operating Base Marez that same year for the first time I shot a man and in that very moment I lost my innocence that same year I watched

a friend die a slow death in Missoula Iraq from an improvised explosive device I witnessed him taking his final breaths gurgling for air and I cannot do a damn thing and on that day my lieutenant credited me for returning in saving 12 lives as we both laid helpless on Gurney's that was traumatic a few months later I was awarded the Purple Heart a bitter sweet moment I was proud because the enemy did not kill me but I still felt broken inside the highlights of my deployment starts to flood in remembering my three days of swimming

eating good fatty foods and just enjoying my time I was lucky for that last flood of memory in a dark basement 13 years ago I did not pull the trigger I want to change some veterans in my shoes can get the help that they deserve and not be in the pain that I was in nationally 13 million Americans have PTSD at any given time one in ten women will get PTSD is some time in their lives today more than 20 veterans a day died by suicide higher than the rate of civilians when is the right

time to speak about the elephant in the room when is the right time to speak to your family and friends about their struggles before it's too late and before the trigger is pulled this war left me damaged physically mentally and emotionally drained I could no longer handle my anxiety my depression that led me to eventually retiring as an Army Staff Sergeant it has taken years of therapy years of ups and downs a supportive partner to working my way up to now and that is owning it owning the fact that I was going to please shitshow

from my first deployment and then the next owning it that I was not the nicest guy around owning it that my world of the outside was based on my lived experiences of the war is in fact real but is not real I know those of us with trauma gets it because I see you I hear you I feel you my life has been different and I will just want to say for those of us who have seen the depths of hell some of us do not like tight quarters having our backs to the door being

at a venue for the first time having large crowds or even entering our own homes in the evening without first securing the outside perimeter and they clearly room to room until deeming is safe lastly but not limited to this we hate balloons I hate balloons because the sound of it exploding reminds me of the war my poor kids have birthdays without balloons I am a survivor and I am proud of that it is okay to ask for help I am not broken I learned to acknowledge that my life was better when I learned to acknowledge

that I was skipping work that I was angry it did not take my medication I assessed my life and made a plan I looked at my home my family and my friends and then I acted I kept my point miss with my doctors I kept my plans and my family and friends that were positive I did the work I in the countless number of veterans and survivors of other traumas such as physical psychological and sexual abuse need this kind of ownership from all of you we need leaders to own it we need them to not

say it's fine that's normal you're weak we need military leaders and the President to say that's traumatic and now you need our support we need our state and federal policies to make it easy for this kind of support and own their role and being a support to people with PTSD not make it harder we need our family and friends we need you to be a chain of support if you are suffering from PTSD and having thoughts of suicide I have love for you because I believe in you I am a father I am a husband

and I am someone with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder but most importantly we are not broken thank you [Applause] [Music]