The ONE Trick You Need to Master to Live a Peaceful and Fulfilled Life | The Let Them Theory

foreign I shared something in an Instagram post less than a week ago there are over 14 million views of this thing which always tells me when something goes that Viral that it strikes a nerve and that's we're going to talk about in today's episode they'll let them Theory my mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving let them my son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school let them my roommates don't want to do dry January with me let them stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to

do [Applause] hey it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast I have something so cool to share with you and I know you're going to love it because I shared something called the let them theory in an Instagram post less than a week ago and I just looked it up there are over 14 million views of this thing which always tells me when something goes that Viral that it strikes a nerve and in this post it's just a quick selfie video and I'm explaining What's called the let them Theory it is a

game changer and that's we're going to talk about in today's episode but you just tee this up since this went so viral I want you to hear what I said in the selfie video on Instagram check this out I just heard about this thing called the let them Theory I freaking love this if your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend let them if the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment let them if your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing uh

with you this week let them so much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations and the truth is if somebody especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business if they are not showing up how you need them to show up do not try to force them to change let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you just let them and then you get to choose what you do next they'll let them Theory it's so obvious and once

you learn it you are going to use it so many times a day you will it's just going to blow your mind because the let them theory is going to allow you to detach yourself from the things that cause a lot of struggle and angst and emotion to come up when you get controlling the let them Theory also allows you to let go of the reins and give space for other people to take responsibility let them do it and finally what you're going to learn is that the let them Theory it is incredible because when

you let somebody just be who they actually are and you stop trying to make them something else you realize in so many friendships and so many relationships you actually are in love with the potential you're not in a relationship with who the person really is and you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential and when you let somebody be who they actually are wow it allows you to understand who you're actually dealing with so I can give you a quick example

of the let them theory in play because it works for things big and small and I will tell you this is something that I have to use all the time just this weekend it was our son Oakley's prom he's a junior in high school and here we are in southern Vermont and I'm used to doing prom a certain way because we raised our daughters outside of Boston in a Suburban Town they're also daughters so they were more controlling they were organizing everything it was a community where I knew all the families all the kids the

Traditions were locked in everybody knows everybody else and so here we are in this new town in southern Vermont and Oakley's going to the prom with somebody we we've never met don't know her parents we don't know any of the Traditions here and it doesn't seem like there are a lot of them honestly but one of the Traditions that was present is that there were girls that were organizing uh groups of people to come to their house for pre-parm photos so we go to this person's house and it was really great great to meet everybody

didn't know a soul there we get there and I'm standing there with Oakley and it starts to rain and not just rain it is like a torrential downpour the kind of storm where you go that really sucks you know it really sucks like you are going to look like you have taken a shower if you walk out the front door of this house and try to walk 20 feet through this rain to get to your car that's how hard it was pouring rain and so they're standing there it's about five o'clock at night prom starts

at seven and the kids start talking so what do you want to do for dinner and I look at Oakley and I say you guys don't have a reservation somewhere he goes no and I then said well what are you going to do you want me to call and I start then jumping in right and over functioning with my anxiety which we have talked about before on this podcast the doo doo doo and the kids are kind of gathering around and somebody goes well why don't we go to avocado pit now avocado pit just to

put this in context is this amazing little um amazing taco place right it's got maybe six tables in it it's tiny it's like the size of one stall of a garage so we're talking one car parking place and there are 20 kids in tuxedos and long dresses dressed to the nines it is a torrential downpour outside and their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have six of them standing inside and I immediately Stark you can't go to avocado pit you're gonna get wet

water I am controlling I'm that person and my daughter turns to me and she says mom if they want to go to avocado pit let them it's his prom it's not your prom let them and when she said let them it's as if I just went hands off it was this little cue that was like okay you're doing that thing just turn from controlling everything Mel and let the current of what's Happening take you in a different direction and immediately what happens when you adopt the let them theory is that you are able to catch

yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be you are able to drop into a more surrender peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up and it kind of begs the question right because I've been thinking about this why did the let them Theory why is it so resonant for people why did 14 million people in a matter of a week watch and share that video well I'll tell you why it's because every single one of us struggles with controlling Behavior or we struggle with controlling thoughts and the let them theory

is a way that you can check yourself so that you're controlling nature or you're controlling or obsessive thoughts don't control you because the reason why we do this we control other people or we just can't let it go like have you ever been in a situation where maybe your buddies organize a golf trip and they don't include you or the women in your life go away for a weekend and you're not invited or a friend a friend that you adore is dating a real [ __ ] somebody who's horrible for them let them I mean

how much does you worrying about it how how is that going to change anything it's not how does spending 200 hours talking to your friend about this horrible person over and over and over how does that how it doesn't let them if somebody's firing you let them if your company's going through layoffs let them it is so liberating when you drop the sword when you just let go and there's this really interesting analogy that's going to help you that comes from a psychologist I've got a ton of notes for this you're going to hear me

uh doing my notes because I want to get this right because there's so many tools because this does not come naturally to us and I'm going to explain why there's a psychologist Dr Annie Johnson who uses this example and I think we can keep coming back to this visual when you tip into that control mode and we all do it I mean come on you can kind of go oh God Mel let the kids get a burrito for crying out loud but don't you dare tell me that if the roles were reversed you wouldn't have

questioned the decision to not have a reservation first of all before prom and secondly to then want to go to some Burrito Bar right in the middle of a rainstorm but I digress here is the visual from Dr Amy Johnson she says whenever you go into control mode imagine that you are in a tiny tiny boat and you're paddling Upstream you are paddling against the current it is hard to paddle against the current it is a fight that is what it feels like when you're controlling other people right or you're trying to control them that's

what it felt like for me at this pre-pawn party because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grabbing a bite to eat I've got my oars and I'm fighting against that current and I'm like but but but but you should have had other things but what about this but you're gonna get your your date's gonna get her dress what the [ __ ] Mel so what Dr Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing it you are fighting against the current you are literally paddling up emotion inside

of you and resistance and frustration because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you right it's frustrating it doesn't create more control it actually makes you feel less in control what she says is you must let go and surrender and so she'll visualize just hands off the oars drop the oars and what happens is the boat in that situation what does it do it turns around and instead of going Upstream when you drop the oars the boat naturally just floats Downstream with the current of how things are going and you will notice the

same thing that instead of fighting what's happening you are able to drop the oars and just surrender to what's going on which creates peace and ease for you because does it matter if Oakley and his friends when I go to the avocado pit of course not who gives a [ __ ] in fact it might be the most memorable part of prom standing in the pouring rain all of them crowded in this restaurant ordering tacos before the thing and so the bigger Point here is I don't think any of us are aware of just how

much energy and effort and time we waste on [ __ ] that we're trying to control and the let them Theory is a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of it in your life so you can float with the current of things instead of battling it so far and the reason why we have this controlling nature is believe it or not it's a form of anxiety when you are overbearing on people maybe you're an overbearing parent we have a lot of people who write into

this show whose parents are immigrants to the United States and they were completely overbearing why well because of two reasons number one they probably had a lot of fears there's a lot of uncertainty they wanted you to succeed they wanted you to fit in they wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did and so they pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love that if I push you if I look

out for the best for you if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micromanage you don't forget your umbrella don't forget your lunch do this do that be this kind of major that you think you are looking out for the best for somebody but what you're actually doing is you're suffocating people the second reason why we are also controlling and why you need the let them Theory is because it's easier to focus on other people you trick yourself into thinking that you're going to be in control if you can control

other people it doesn't work that way because you can't control other people you can manipulate them you can guilt them you can shame them you can complement them you can love them but you can't control them okay you can just try to the person that you can control is yourself and every time you use the let them Theory you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else and you turn it back on yourself I'll give you an example of that let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend okay and your feelings

are hurt if you sit there and worry about it why do they it left me out I feel left out I'm always left out what did I do wrong maybe I should text him maybe I should say something maybe I should no you know what you should do you should let them go away you should let them go away and you should stop focusing on what they're doing because all this obsessing about it and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening it's not working and secondly it's distracting you from

what you really need to do which is put the focus back on yourself as you're sitting there ask yourself well if I'm this upset by it what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships that I'm the one organizing these things that's where the real power is and finally the reason why we engage in such controlling behavior and these obsessive thoughts is because oftentimes it distracts us from the truth often times when you are you know I stop and think a little bit about this situation with Oakley and the

prom and it's really dumb but there's a very deep underlying thing that was going on I've gone through four prom experiences with our daughters in a public high school outside of Boston and it was not like the problem here and I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that I'm in a new place we got home from that uh pre-palm photo party I turned to Chris and I said you know I'm really kind of sad because I miss knowing all the kids and I miss knowing all the parents and I miss seeing

kids that I have known since they were in diapers all grown up in tuxes and I think I'm just kind of sad and I'm controlling where Oakley is going to eat because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home and so a lot of times the controlling or the obsessing is triggered by the way you think things should be or the way that you're used to things being and you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty which is why you jump in and you do this and so that's where the let them Theory

comes in because you can use the let them Theory for just about anything and 99 of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being I want you to use the let them Theory I want you to literally say to yourself my mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving let them my sister-in-law doesn't want to go to so-and-so's baby shower letter my son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school let them my husband doesn't want to train for this Triathlon that I've signed up for let

them my roommates don't want to do dry January with me let them stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do and so much more peace will come into your life and you will also take that exact same energy and angst and frustration that you are aiming at your kid going to the avocado pit and you will have it to put towards something else it's really powerful and that's why I want to take the time to truly unpack this so before I tell you the three different ways you can use

this because we're going to break these down because I've been very very surprised by how often I use the Latin Theory and I'm also surprised by the amount of Peace control and confidence and love that it brings into my life when I use this with myself okay and when I use this as advice with other people I want to give you though three caveats okay because the let them theory is basically where you're going to go you know drop drop the oars I'm out I'm just gonna let you do it I'm not going to worry

about it I'm not gonna [ __ ] about it I'm not gonna try to control it I'm just going to let them okay but there's three moments in time where I don't want you to do that where I want you to step up okay and I want to cover these off the bat because I know so many of you are going to be like but anyway what about this so let me just say up front if somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminating against you do not let them do that so for example

if you've got a buddy or a family member that's had a couple drinks don't let them get behind the wheel of the car that's not a time to drop the oars and just go with the flow and so I think that example is very clear the second example of where you're not going to just let people do whatever they're going to do that's where you need to ask for something or you've got to advocate for your rights and I'm going to give you a really important example about this don't ever let somebody determine what they're

going to pay you when you get hired I'm not kidding about this and this is really important for you to hear because there was a Pew research study that was done this year in 2023 sixty percent of people surveyed said in their past job they didn't even negotiate their salary they just let the company pay them whatever do not do that okay so if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself do not let somebody just to decide those things okay you got to step up and

you got to take control in that situation and finally if somebody's continuously crossing your boundaries don't let them do that if you've expressed them if you've defined them you need to hold your boundary do not let them just walk all over you like a doormat okay good all right with those three caveats we are going to jump into the three specific ways I want you to start using the let them Theory but before we do that we're going to hear a short word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring this to you this

amazing let them theory in detail for zero cause we love our sponsors so let's let them tell you a little bit about why they're so cool and then when we return the three ways you are going to use the let them Theory to bring more control and peace back into your life but you know what this let them Theory does not apply to you you watching on YouTube I'm so excited you're here but I'm not gonna let you just continue to watch without subscribing please your support is a huge deal I'm able to bring you

new videos every single day because of the ad support on our YouTube channel so if you have not subscribed hit the Subscribe below I do not want to let you just keep on freeloading and I know that you want to support the show too because our friends over in podcast land they're on commercial break you and me I am guilting and controlling you right now to subscribe to the Channel all right subscribe now let's go back to the show welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and I'm teaching you a theory called the let them theory that

is something that I use non-stop my kids also use this when I become an overbearing mother and I had just explained that the let them theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control you're just wrapped around the axle your knickers are in a pinch you can't believe so and so did such and such or you're just thinking about it why didn't they invite me why does everybody get together why does my roommate always do this she was in town and she didn't call me let them let them other people

get to be themselves other people get to make decisions the let them theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety about uncertainty it is a way for you to let people be who they are it is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business and it is a way for you to create emotional peace to not whip yourself into a frenzy to not care about things that are really not your concern and to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around

you I just uh you know when I looked at the post that we did on Instagram there were 9 800 comments this morning on this thing it's only been up for a week that's how much has struck a nerve 9 800 comments in one week that's incredible here's a great comment let people be who they are because sometimes you need that person that way so let them it doesn't have to be everything a bad thing or anything it's so true I think about that with my husband I used to get so annoyed because the guy

is a slow processor just really like you had to almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something and he asks a lot of questions and it used to drive me [ __ ] crazy I just would be like just spit it out you're like you know what do you think about and I realized I need him to be that way because I am moving at the speed of light one of us has to have our feet on the ground one of us has to be thinking through decisions one of us has to make

sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet and that the things that we're doing are thought through and so I use the let them Theory to just let Chris be who he is and stop making them wrong and stop trying to control them and it certainly creates more peace for him and it also allows me to be more present so let's talk about the three ways that you are going to use the let them theory in your life the first one is detachment use the let them Theory to detach yourself

from the emotional or mental struggle that you can get yourself into when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going and to just tap in to emotional peace sufama I'm saying it wrong wrote this on Instagram I've wasted a lot of time Mel and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other people it hurts yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior it's [ __ ] hard to be good at this it requires practice and you know what else I

think it requires when you realize this strikes a nerve for all of us that we all have trouble with this because of course you have expectations I'll give you an example have you ever gone to a wedding and it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain like period of your life are going to be there and you're so excited because you think that you're all going to be seated together this always happens to me and Chris always and you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful

display that people do now where everybody's cards are like in a place to find out where you're sitting and you pull out your card and you're like we're at table 11 where are you guys are like we're at table three we're table four or we're table four word cable eleven two and you realize all your friends are sitting together but you and in those moments I want to try to switch cards I want to make the bride and groom wrong I wanted it let them let them it's their wedding let them do what they want

instead of feeling hurt instead of feeling bummed instead of looking over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking why the [ __ ] am I with the second aunt and the cousins oh I know because I can talk to anybody I can see it right now they're sitting there's oh Mel and Chris can talk to anybody we'll stick them over here as I'm looking longingly across the Dance Floor and I make it up so they're having way more fun I'm no let them let the bride and groom do what they needed to do

let the friends do what they're needing to do just let them because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself does it actually help you enjoy the what no does it change where you're sitting no so let them it's like a form of radical acceptance and it is hard it's hard because I think we default to holding on to our expectations or holding on to feeling hurt or wronged or having an opinion about how things should it's too hot why are they doing it let them let them if United Airlines wants to board from

the back of the plane let them who cares that you paid extra for extra legroom you're still going to get it let them do what they need to do here's another comment a friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought that they were supposed to take together my God was she fixated on it she just couldn't let it go this is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the let them theory if you heard about the let them Theory when

your friend does something that upsets you let them I mean for all you know it's not that they didn't want to go with you it's that they just needed time alone so let them take the trip alone why do you have to be so offended about everything why do you have to be so [ __ ] hurt about everything not everything's that serious or that deep everybody let people do what they need to do that's Detachment and I think it's very straightforward you're upset about something you're talking about something you're griping about something you're feeling

heard about them use the let them Theory and you know just for those of you that are kind of smarty pants and you're gonna write in and be like but when about if you're at the beach and they leave their shoes on the beach and you're what you just let them leave the shoes on the beach no you're not upset about it are you of course you're going to turn to your friend and be like hey dumbass you left your flip-flops over there go get them you're not going to let them do that I'm talking

about when you're getting yourself worked up about something you're getting yourself annoyed about something and I can give you another example you know when I first moved to Vermont we moved here you know in March of 2020 say no more and so there were travel restrictions for a couple years and that limited anybody's ability to visit us but it's now going on Oakley's junior year and my parents have still yet to visit and I was really hurt by this and really upset by it thinking wait a minute like he's now a junior in high school

and they haven't come to see where we live like and I kept saying just let them just let them they have their reasons just keep inviting them and let them and what I finally realized because I instead of being upset about it I just had a conversation with my mom about it is she said I just don't like that state and I said why and she told me the story about how when she was really little her parents left her at the family farm with her grandmother and they went to the state of Vermont with

her older sister to do something related to an eye surgery and while they were gone my great-grandmother dropped dead next to my mom and when my grandparents her parents came home one of the first things they said to her is why didn't you save her and so when I see that story I see this isn't about me this is about something else let people do what they need to do when you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable eventually they come around and sure enough they're going to

be here in a month and I can't wait but you got to let them let them have the space to sort through their stuff so let's talk about the second way you're going to use this Theory and this can be a little trickier because this is the let them Theory when you really need to take a step back and you gotta let people fail and you've got to give people the room to grow the room to learn and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life and I'm going to give you a

couple examples of this so when our son was in um fifth grade he went to this incredible School outside of Boston that focuses on language-based learning differences so like dyslexia dysgraphia that kind of stuff and I'll never forget they said if you forget their lunch don't bring it they're not going to go hungry but don't bring it because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things and if they constantly forget things and you rescue them they're never going to learn that it's in the

forgetting it's in the sting it's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you and you create systems and processes to actually do it and so if they forget their lunch let them do it if they forget an application deadline for a job let them forget why because they needed to learn that lesson and here's the hardest application of this on the planet if you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction anybody who has dealt with this will tell you nobody gets sober until they're ready to

and so if somebody is not ready to go to rehab let them if you force them to go they're just going to leave if somebody relapses let them it's not until they tell you that they're ready for help that they are going to actually use the help that you give them and this is a really really really hard thing to grasp in your life let them just let them and it's important because every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money and you loan her money you know what happens she continues to

be terrible with money sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounce checks or the lien on the house which is what happened to Chris and I back in you know 2000 whatever I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money and he said I'm sorry if me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt then so be it but I can't bail you out you got to figure out how to do this yourself he let Chris fail and it was one of the most important things

in the world why because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure Chris was and he wasn't responsible for rescuing him Chris was and when you constantly rescue people you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves and so the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money or somebody that forgot something or somebody that wants to transfer yet again don't control the situation simply hear them out and say if you want to do that great I'll support you by cheering you on but you're going to have to do the paperwork

you're going to have to figure out how to get out of debt you're going to have to come to me when you're ready to get clean you gotta let them do it themselves and here's one more thing on that every time you rescue somebody you rob them of the opportunity to grow every time you step in and you make the problem go away you make the person a little weaker and more dependent on you so if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves yes there is a time to support people but

if somebody keeps relapsing if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch if somebody keeps dating the same toxic [ __ ] person let them because eventually it's not going to work and then they're going to come to you and ask for help and when they do they'll be ready to accept it and you know for you people Pleasers out here like Ann Waters who commented on my Instagram post she says but now I'm a people pleaser and I keep doing lots of stuff for other people how the heck do I stop doing that the let them Theory

let them do it themselves let your kids do their laundry and have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have it all be that kind of weird bluish gray color let them do that let them learn that they actually care about doing it right let everybody at work go without having their birthday celebrated why do you have to be the one that remembers it and brings all the cupcakes just let them let your brother host the holidays this year why do you have to bend yourself over backwards Let Them Step Up let your friends make

the plans why do you have to be the one that makes the plans all the time and finally work if you feel like you take on everybody's work uh let them do their own job it's certainly going to be easier on you when you use the let them do it Theory oh it's your presentation you're behind the ball I'm sorry I've got these 55 000 I wish I could help but I'm gonna let you keep that on your plate thank you very much and this feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have

a little word so let them tell you a little bit about their cool products and services and when we return the third very surprising way perhaps the most powerful one that you're going to use the let them theory in your life when we return welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and today you and I are talking about the let them Theory it's just the most beautiful detachment emotional peace kind of little tool that you can use to catch yourself when that controlling nagging ruminating Behavior kicks up inside you or when you catch yourself rescuing people you're

gonna take a step back you're gonna let them fail you're going to let them drop on their face and you my friend are going to let them grow from it you're standing by you'll be there when they've learned the lesson but for now we gotta let the people in your life fail fall do things their way because it's what is going to help them grow besides it's not your responsibility your responsibility is you and your happiness and that brings me to the third way that you're going to use the let them Theory and this one

is really difficult let them be themselves and say it again let the people in your life be who they are and let them be who they're not see I think that we all make the mistake of getting into relationships and we're not really in a relationship with the person as they are we're in a relationship with the potential and when you focus on someone's potential and you start to try to control and manipulate and want them to reach that potential or change or be different you're not letting them be themselves and that not only sucks

for the other person because there's nothing there's nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of that don't wear those shoes you need an umbrella why are you doing that you should train with that you should lose some weight why are you eating gluten come on won't you go to this movie with me why do you have to always do that thing that doesn't feel good does it so stop doing it to other people let them be themselves and stop and think are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are

or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were and you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind griping about what you wish they would change instead of letting them be themselves and if you can catch this that you're always dating the potential that you're always in a friendship that you hope will improve you'll realize that you're not even present with the person as they are and when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves guess what happens you see who they really are I can think of a lot of

relationships that I've been in where I spent a lot of time griping about behaviors I didn't like and when you distract yourself by griping about the fact that they drink too much or they have a drug problem or you know they're not as ambitious or you'd like or you wish they worked out or you can't stand their short hair and you wish they grew it longer or you hate their family or you don't like that thing that they do or the sex is really bad you're not really with them you're so focused on all the

things that you don't like and the things that you wish you would change that you're in a relationship with the things you don't like because that's what you're focused on and when you distract yourself like that it keeps you from addressing the reality and the reality is you're probably not with somebody that you actually want to be with you've just kept yourself busy griping about what you wish would change and deluding yourself into thinking that it actually might change it's not going to you gotta let them be who they are so that you can deal

with the reality of who someone is and when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is then you can make a great choice about who you really are and what you really need and you know there was one thing that I forgot to mention that I think is really really important and it has to do with relationships and one way that we try to control other people is through jealousy and if this is something that you struggle with you need the Latin Theory because jealousy if you're jealous of let's say uh your partner

spending time with their kids from another marriage if you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends if you're jealous of when uh your girlfriend or your wife is spending more time with the kids and their bonding over this is a major problem because jealousy in this regard this is your attempt to control other people because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first marriage your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that and so I want to unpack

this because you need to let them Theory you need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have close friendships with people of the same sex that's important and it's important to let them do that without you getting triggered and here's why because when you feel jealous and you're trying to control somebody and stop them from hanging out with their girlfriends or whatever the hell it may be or friends from their former marriage and that really threatens you the reason why you feel jealous is you're threatened and you're telling

yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people or that they're not going to love you if they hang out with those people and what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your controlling is an attempt to get more love but it backfires doesn't it because you're not present to love when you're jealous you're actually present to less control and less love so if you want more love which is why you're jealous then let them do what they're going to do and bring more love to the situation by letting them do what

they're going to do and spend time with their kids and spend time playing golf or spend time on that project they're working on you're showing them that you love them as they are it's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good and so a you're no longer feeling that toxic emotion of jealousy B you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can which is accepting who they are and supporting what makes them happy and see ultimately if you keep practicing this you're going to get what you want it all

along which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accepted what is and when you let go and accept what is that person's gonna love you back more see how this works let them let them and the final example that I'm going to give you is let people have their emotions let them have their opinions you trying to control what somebody feels and what they say that is a one-way ticket to the end of a relationship so I'll give you an example let's say that you and your best

friend have started to grow apart maybe one of you moved away maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship and the other one's single the patterns of your life have started to change hence your relationship starts to change you still care about one another but you just don't see each other as much and let's just say that your friend comes to you and says I feel like you've changed I feel like I'm not important anymore I feel like I've always been there for you and you're never there for me anymore because you're so

busy with your boyfriend or you're so busy with this that and the other thing let them have those feelings you don't need to control what they think one of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another human being is to just listen to what somebody's story is to witness somebody's feelings about something and validate it that's it that's all you need to do and when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling they're mad at you they're upset about you they're frustrated with this

they feel wrong they feel hurt they feel this they feel that something amazing happens you learn this skill of being able to detach you learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into it you learn the ability to have feelings rise and fall it just happened to me this morning in fact because um I had told our daughter Kendall who's home uh for a couple weeks that I would love to do something this morning together and the morning of course came and a lot of stuff happened and then it was 10

o'clock and she was going to help me go through some things in my closet and she started to go you know we got to get going on this because if we don't get going on this we're only going to be doing it for 15 minutes and if we only do it for 15 minutes I'm gonna have a [ __ ] attitude okay because I'm gonna feel really pissed off about it you know what I did I let her I let her have that frustration it was so liberating because I realize now that I know the

let them Theory that I was often engaging in this like emotional tug of war with people in my life they'd get upset I'd try to calm them down then they'd get more upset then I'd try to be responsible for why they're upset then I'm trying to solve it then they're doing and it just becomes this nobody's letting anybody do anything we're arguing over how we feel it is so [ __ ] stupid the let them Theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress and let them have it and let you off the hook from rescuing

them or being responsible for it it is such a beautiful thing that's my gift to you today the let them Theory because when you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst moments that freedom that you're giving to somebody else that gift of not controlling you know what happens you get a gift in return you get peace and ease back in your life and the more that people realize that around you they have the freedom to express themselves and the freedom to show up as themselves guess what the

less you're going to need to control people and the more you're going to focus on you in closing I want to give you three quick tools that you can use to really apply this to your life the next time that you feel yourself getting all bent out of shape about some okay something big something small doesn't matter you're going to pull out the let them Theory and this is how you can coach yourself through it first of all you can ask yourself what am I afraid of what am I afraid of and in the example

I've been giving Which is a really dumb example the avocado pit the second you ask yourself well what am I afraid of that my son's in a tux and his dates and a long dress with a train and it's pouring rain cats and dog style outside and they're at a tiny little burrito taco joint in the middle of town what am I afraid of and then I go all her dress and his talks and the shoes we just did it you'll realize how absurd most of the [ __ ] is that you get all frustrated

and upset about what are you afraid of when United Airlines is boarding from the back of the plane seriously you afraid you're not going to get your suitcase up on the thing and you paid the money place there are bigger fish to fry there are also moments where you're going to ask that question like if you have somebody struggling with addiction well what am I afraid of I'm afraid they're going to die I'm afraid they're going to be out on the street and they're going to die that is a valid thing to be afraid of

and then you can ask yourself well is it true are they going to you don't know you really don't and when you really don't know if it's true or not I say that you can't hold it over your head as a reason to be so controlling or be so concerned about it second thing always ask yourself whose business am I am am I in my business or their business when I'm trying to like micromanage my son I'm in his business when I am upset with a friend who's upset with me I'm in my friend's business

when I am feeling uh wronged because I got sat at the wrong table or I wasn't invited to the such and such or I didn't win that award that I thought I should win I'm in somebody else's business because I'm trying to change something related to somebody else you always want to be in your own business you always want to be dealing with your feelings and what you can do about it and I got one more example about this I recently went away with a bunch of women that I've become friends with and we met

inside of a much larger kind of group of people and I found out after the fact that there was somebody who had been telling other people that they were really bummed and hurt that they weren't included and for a minute I felt bad but I used the let them Theory let them be heard let them be bummed that they weren't invited it's not my responsibility and it's not your responsibility to make sure everybody's feelings are okay it's my responsibility to take care of myself and having been on the other side of that story where for

years I was so busy working that I let my female friendships just go I was always working always working and then when I got home I was so tired I would constantly feel hurt that I wasn't included in things I was constantly feeling fomo that people were out at parties or out to dinner or getting together with their kids and we weren't included when I feel like that I'm in their business the harder thing when you just let people get together and not invite you let people do what they're going to do and not include

you the harder thing is to get back into your business which is if this bothers you so much what are you going to do about it Mel because what I realized for myself is that of course nobody invites me anywhere you want to know why I'm not prioritizing my friendships I haven't thrown a party in a long time I haven't planned a women's weekend in five years if I really want more of this in my life it's not up to me to control other people to make them invite me it's up to me to be

responsible for creating these experiences that means I'm now focused on my business not on trying to control other people's business and third the other thing that you can do is you can ask yourself what feels more like peace does trying to get the kids not to go to the taco place feel like peace nope feels like control so let's let them do that does bitching about the fact they weren't invited somewhere feel like peace nope so we're going to let them do that does trying to force your husband to go to the gym with you

feel like nope we're gonna let them not go always move toward peace when you feel yourself getting all ramped up with the emotions and the gripping and the control and the opinions hands off drop the oars let them do what they're gonna do and you focus on what you're gonna do because what you're going to do is you're gonna stop the control you're gonna stop the rumination and you my friend are going to just drift back down with the current and feel that emotional peace that washes over you let them I can't wait to hear

how you use the let them Theory you know what my dog's barking you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna let him that's right not gonna grip I'm not going to worry about it I'm just going to let the dogs bark and I'm also going to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a life that you love and every single day I'm becoming more and more and more convinced that there is so much power in learning how to let go in prioritizing emotional peace

Over Control and I really hope that this let them Theory as as powerful in your life as it is in mine alrighty I love you I'm gonna let you go do whatever you're gonna go do and I'll talk to you in a few days oh one more thing it's the legal language this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes it is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist or other qualified professionals [Music] thank you [Music] hey it's Mel thank you so much for being here if you

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