[bell and music] [bell] [music] Good tomorrow, Mr Denning, and a merry Christmas to you. Is he in? He sure is.
And a merry Christmas to you, too. >> Megan Scrooge. Merry Christmas.
[ __ ] CHRISTMAS. UNCLE, you can't SAY THAT. >> H [ __ ] I CAN, NEPHEW.
[ __ ] THIS HOLIDAY. AND [ __ ] YOU, TOO. GOD, THAT'S not the spirit at all.
Have a little tolerance, man. >> Tolerance. Why don't people be more tolerant ABOUT THE AGENDA THEY PUSH on me?
Christmas. Utter socialist nonsense. [screaming] COME ON, UNCLE.
It's Christmas Eve. Get that stick out of your ass and come dine with us tonight. I'm throwing a Christmas party.
>> You should throw YOURSELF OFF A 10STORY BUILDING, NEPHEW. >> WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU REALLY FEEL. >> HEY, BOSS.
>> I swear to God, IF YOU ASK FOR CHRISTMAS DAY OFF, I'M BLOWING YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A 10 gauge. >> [music] [groaning] >> Trick or treat. Smell my feet.
HELP. I'm giving. [screaming] >> [music] >> Who?
Who are you? >> I'm the freaking ghost of Christmas past. And don't worry, I know exactly who you are, Egoner.
someone who hates Christmas. Let's see if we can change that. >> Good luck with that.
[laughter] >> He doesn't know I got methods. You're a Christian? Cuz if you are, you're going to hell.
>> I don't believe that crap. >> All right. That usually makes this so much easier.
[sighs and gasps] Come on. >> Come what? >> Where?
>> In my Delorean. So, this is where it all began, huh? >> That's right.
The first egg to be laid by a headless chicken. >> You can't make babies from head anyway. >> OH MY GOODNESS, DARLING.
DO YOU SEE THAT EGG? >> LOOK AT THE lovely little chicken that will hatch from it. >> LET'S LET'S TAKE IT IN AND RAISE IT AS OUR OWN.
>> SO, those are your parents, huh? >> Yep. And they had a classic case of parents who want their kid to be a chicken.
Oh well, I never knew that was a thing. Eh, it was Sigman Freud's least popular book. >> They took me in and waited years for me to hatch.
>> WHAT THE [ __ ] IS TAKING so long? [laughter and gasps] >> Yeah, your son is an unfertilized eggism and there's going to be no [ __ ] chicken inside him. >> [ __ ] >> After that, they resented me, so they sent me away to a boarding school.
>> Well, well, well. If it isn't egon [ __ ] >> That's some mean things to say to me. I never did anything to you.
YEAH, WHATEVER. HOMO SAPIEN. >> That doesn't even work.
I'm an egg. You're the ones who are homo sapiens. >> Yeah, well, we may be homo sapiens, but you're a homo sapien.
[cough] [clears throat] Just like that. You see Sarah, JESSICA, AND LYDIA PARKERFIELD, siren sister over there? She'll never get WITH YOU.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? CUZ YOU'RE A STUPID [ __ ] EGG. AND MY DICK GAME IS ON ANOTHER STRATOSPHERE.
HEY, LEAVE HIM ALONE. It's It's mean to be mean. Oh my god.
[screaming] [ __ ] [laughter] Are you okay? He could be such a jerk. Here, let me sign your textbook.
Oops, spelling mistake. Let me try again. Kill me.
>> There you go. Look, I'm all for a trip down memory lane, but we're kind of supposed to be finding what in your past made you hate Christmas. >> OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY [screaming] I HATE CHRISTMAS?
BELLE, my whole world. Belle, you are my one and only. I wouldn't even cheat on you if you were ugly.
>> Marley, we we can't do this. What? Why?
>> I'm betrothed to Belle. We can never be together, >> Scrooge. I plead you.
I never understood love before you. I can't live without you. >> You don't mean that.
>> Scrooge, make my new boyfriend. He can do muscleups. Ciao.
It was at that moment I realized what a mistake I had made. I loved him. He he left the business the next year.
Now they're both in Italy, probably shoving garlic shoving garlic bread up each other's butts. I bet we rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start something new. But to make yourself feel nothing as to not feel anything, what a waste.
>> Was that off the dome? >> What year is it? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing this with me, but I'm afraid it's time for your next ghost.
Ghost of Christmas presents, [ __ ] Move over, Santa. There's a new sack shooter in town. >> Present, dumbass.
>> [sighs] >> All right, then. Walk with me, Egg. I bet you want to know what your nephew's saying about you at his party.
Huh? >> Dude, I love watching this at Christmas, man. I always get emotional.
This is my mother's favorite movie, man. Hey, uh, wasn't your uncle supposed to come? Yeah.
Yeah, but uh he he didn't. Ah, your uncle [ __ ] sucks, dude. >> Oh, they do not [ __ ] WITH YOU.
>> HOW DARE [screaming] THEY? >> AND I'll tell you something, man. Literally, the only thing about your personality you need to change is [snorts] I just saw you.
Literally, the only thing about your personality you need to change is the fact that you don't like Christmas. That is literally all it takes for people to start liking you. >> You think?
I mean, it's not like I care if people like me or anything. Uh, is is he okay? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. He just overdosed on crack cocaine and died.
Well, it's Christmas. There going to be some snow. [laughter] >> Who Who is that?
>> Okay, we better get out of here. I got something else to show you. >> I know, Mr Denning, >> welcome home, honey.
I hope you're hungry. >> Never not. What's the special chef?
>> Ice soup. Ice soup? That's a terrible meal.
>> It's all they could afford, Scrooge. >> Yeah, well, they shouldn't have spent all their benefits money on math then, >> Scrooge, you don't pay him enough. You see what I'm trying to tell you, right?
You're a shitty boss. >> Unconvinced. >> Well, get ready for this bomb drop, >> daddy.
>> Son, >> he's got no face. >> Mhm. Very rare condition.
Now, this is kind of the ghost of Christmas futures thing, so I don't want to spoil what's going to happen to Tim if Mr Denning doesn't get enough money for treatment, but it does rhyme with [ __ ] guy. >> I am the ghost of Christmas future and Tiny Tim >> is going to [ __ ] die. >> NO.
>> MHM. I know. I know.
I mean, what did you think happens to exposed tissue in freezing temperatures? His balls explode. Obviously, >> I NEVER KNEW MY ACTIONS AFFECTED other people.
>> Yeah, I know. Took me a minute to realize, too. But you're like a 100 years old.
A century egg, if you will. I bet you taste so [ __ ] good. You're going to let me suck you after this, right?
>> No. Ah, that's fine. Now, I am the ghost of Christmas yet to come.
So, you've chosen abstinence. H. What?
I Oh, okay. Okay. I'm here to show you what will happen in the future if you keep up the streak of being a covetous old sinner.
>> Yeah, let me guess. I die and no one remembers me. >> Worse.
die. You're a sentient egg. You can't die.
You live thousands of years. Everyone you knew dead. Everyone you ever loved dead.
There's no more merry Christmas. People only say happy holidays now. I'm joking.
Of course. No, but they say nothing cuz they're all dead. They made themselves extinct.
Forests were replaced with milelong data centers so more people could AI generate their child as a chicken. And now we're all gone. All of us [music] except you.
>> Please, please. This can't be my fate. What can I do?
>> What can you do? If you don't understand by now, then you're doomed, kid. Oh, looks like the Sorry.
LOOKS LIKE THE SUN YOU THERE, KID. What day is it? >> Why?
It's Christmas Day, sir. >> GIVE ME THE BIGGEST BIRD YOU CAN FIND. [screaming] >> EGGA, YOU DIRTY BASTARD.
>> A turkey? I mean, a turkey. And so, Mr Egg learned the true meaning of Christmas.
He gave Mr Denning a raise. He did a few bumps with his nephew, and he had to be forcibly euthanized. I sure did learn a lot today.
And to everyone watching at home, merry [snorts] Christmas. [bell] Ho ho ho ho.
