#1 Relationship Expert Exposes the Main Reason Most Relationships Fail

anger and sadness and fear anything in reactive brain is resisting reality anytime you get angry or you get sad or you get afraid you are resisting what is that doesn't mean it's a bad thing to be mad or sad or scared it just is a signal to you like oh I am not actually in alignment with what is our next speaker I'm really excited about and really want you to bring your energy to her because this is the woman who I got that so technique that I showed you the other day from um um Mary

found this book and brought it to us and Bun Pearl and I S I both read this book and just thought it was so Crystal Clear just so so aligned with everything we believe everything we teach all the principles but uh her name is Julia cwell and Julia created this book called the relationship skills workbook a do-it-yourself guide to a thriving relationship she spent 25 years kind of kitchen testing all these techniques in real life um she's got a pH she's a psychologist three decades of exploring relationship Dynamics but I just found her to be

just an incredibly simple and clear you always talk about how complexity is the enemy of execution you make things more complex Nobody Does it she's made it so simple so clear those you know the whole idea that everyone has a right to feel whatever they feel think whatever they think that everyone really truly only has arguments because you say things that are arguable these are the principles and distinctions she brought so I think this is going to be an incredibly practical experience for you one that have tools that you could use for the rest of

your life I'm really and literally read this book like last week she wasn't part of our group we called her on such short notice she came so I haven't even got a chance to meet her in person yet would you please bring up Julie cwell ladies and gentlemen [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] right so what I'm going to show you is the best stuff okay so I've I've Whitted it down over the years I've spent I think about maybe 50,000 hours being with people sitting standing moving uh you can move right now if you want

yeah so um this is what I've got to tell you now here's the thing it's deceptive okay seems like a simple skill uh when I go deeper and deeper with it I actually think this is how we transform like as humans I think this is how we're evolving from this very thing I'm teaching you tonight so let's go enough talking about it so so Tony's been talking about so uh Sensations emotions what you want again sounds so simple um well let's dive into it and find out out now I'm really interested I spend a lot

of time with people um I see lots of couples I uh deal with a lot of groups people get into conflict right well but why why do we get into conflict what happens like what what really happens well we start arguing and we argue because of this because we say arguable things now if you start to listen to what I'm saying actually pretty much everything is arguable all right so start to listen for it because you can argue with me some of you might be doing that already if not now you will be probably um

so but start to understand okay imagine two columns in your mind two columns there's the column that's all the arguable stuff it's the uh well the truth is well the facts are um you know that's those are alternative facts right that's the whole column over here but over here is this much smaller list that's in this column things that I can't argue with you about okay I can't well of course I could argue with the list itself so that's why we got foul lines okay if you're playing soccer right you don't want to just keep

kicking the ball out into the street and who knows where so here are the foul lines that's is how this is how we get to the sensations emotions what you want so here's the bottom line if it's happening in my body you can't argue with me now with Sensations you probably wouldn't want to argue with me if I say right now oh I noticed my um throat is a little dry you might be like well whatever you know give her some water or uh my left ankle I feel a little twinged it's like fine except

here's the thing the sensations the sensations that's going to bring your attention in so I'm going to highlight that more but Sensations that's what we've got Sensations emotions what you want what you don't want I love that picture so I want to talk to you about Sensations um Sensations basically are where our awareness meets our body so our Consciousness it's like where we come in we put our awareness where our attention and we meet what's happening in here so that's that's this place this is where the rubber meets the road right here if you notice

right now like what's a sensation somebody's having anybody tension where's the tension I'm having this tension in my spine around here right around there what does and can you describe it more yeah well the result the effect is that I want to do this the whole time to kind of like crack it uhhuh kind of feels like you want to crack it yeah that's why I'm doing this the whole time yeah right so it feels like it's not okay it doesn't feel there's tension there yeah you can feel some something that wants something yeah yeah

now again okay you're all like okay fine that's what's happening in her body and notice a couple of things right way do you did you check your back I checked my back right so right away we're already not just you're going in to notice what's happening for you but I'm going in with my attention to find out what's happening for me now if we are in an argument and I'm like I can't believe you did that he like yes well but I have tension in my back isn't that a strange thing to do but it's

the truth it's unarguable so what's another one anybody else thank you only good sensation well say more good Sensations what do you feel well right now my wife touching my back uhhuh you feel that that feels good what else okay kind of Joyful heart so say more about your heart how do you know it's joyful what are the sensations uh it's uh my my English is not very good but tingling is that yeah oh yeah Ting tingly guess so I love that you're bringing my attention to the tingles to the feel good like because yeah

same thing and so as you put your attention on that and stay standing a little bit longer and everyone else like as you put your attention on those Sensations so the rubbing and the tingling and you breathe into that so bringing your awareness in with your breath what happens as you're doing that feels good yeah yeah so thank you is there somebody that's having um some tensions that doesn't feel so good because I want to use that as a demonstration yes how about right here um yeah I've got a stomach ache stomach ache yeah just

behind my solar plexus just behind your solar plexus okay so while I'm doing this with James do it yourself okay this I love do it yourself kinds of things I love a good tool for the for the job so do it yourself at home uh so James can you describe it more what does it feel like feels like a white in there a dark black sticky white dark black sticky white white on heavy it's heavy it's a heavy thing yeah so um James as you notice that will you put your attention on that that whole

dark black sticky white Place Y uhhuh and again please do this with us CU this is the place people say I feel and then they put all kinds of things after that so this is I feel this I feel dark black sticky white if you can do this like this is this is the key to the kingdom right here I'll tell you why in a moment so breathing into the dark black sticky white yep what happens with that James um starts to release starts to release keep going it kind of feels acknowledged feels acknowledged um

it's telling me not to eat the crap I ate for lunch again uhhuh yeah and how's how's the dark black sticky White um it's actually dropping further down I hope it doesn't go too far uh thanks cello it's it's kind of dropping down yeah yeah and and how's the heaviness now um I guess it feels a bit more mobile cuz it was sticky before so it feels like a starting to move thank you James com on back attention and breath um creates movement of energy I'm going to say that again because seems subtle seems simple

but where else do you have this level of control over your State of Consciousness you can think about things you can create imagery but this is is molecular this is this is the basic place let me see if this is my next slide yeah look at that Bruce lipon anybody know Bruce Lipton stuff yeah great stuff uh I saw him last week he's incredible look at that we can consciously regulate our molecular structure whoa wow what in other words with your attention and breath on your sensation you are shifting your molecular structure talk about you

know well I love control just put that in there having some sense of control over your actual physiological State and here's what you get when you can shift your physiological State you get everything right right if I'm shifting my state I Am shifting my reality if I'm shifting my reality I'm stepping into a whole different experience Sensations get you there so if we're having some sort of and one of us can go in and say oh I just noticed my solar pleus feels really tight and now my jaw is tight and and yeah and I'm

not breathing all of which is odd to do in the middle of an argument but notice what happens when I'm doing that right your attention is going in Lots is happening like you're you're relating to me you right those mirror neurons you know about those you you're right away empathizing we're creating connection and then there's all kinds of great things that happen because if we create connection if I can talk to you about what's happening in a way that you can hear me and you get it what's happening in my body my reality and then

we can do the same thing and I can hear you and relate to you that's what intimacy is it's connection that's what connection is I get what's happening in you you get what's happening with me and then there's this other really amazing thing that happens Sensations move all the time right there's James right dark white sticky and it's shifted so so from that there's a couple of things that that arise one is um I'm in aliveness right there's movement happening things are moving in here and in about three minutes maybe 15 seconds maybe two seconds

like whatever is going on in here is changed it's a moving River my my inner world is a moving River you know you don't put this your foot in the same river twice right same thing with your body and so that's what aliveness is that's what oh I get to be in my body I get to tell you what it's like to be in this moving River and you get to do the same thing so now a really big fascinating question to me is how can I have a self and have connection right to me

that's like the bottom line of relationship I can have uh connection right by saying sure honey okay fine yeah whatever right that looks like connection pseudo or I can have self by saying yeah give me space I don't like relationship or I'm GNA go or and I'll see you in a while right I can have self but to have self and connection um our speakers yesterday were wondering about the same thing I think that is the question so this is a way because your Sensations are going to be different from my Sensations which will get

us to the next piece about emotion in a moment and then we've got this liveliness this great feeling of uh connection and passion as we go through whatever is coming up uh in our bodies all from Sensation so there is the s in your books on page 190 you'll see something that looks like this the inner map so I've been working on this for the last few years anybody here of uh Power versus Force by David Hawkins have you read that great book changed my thinking so my um inner map is based on his map

of Consciousness his is lot more complicated I've narrowed it down so that I can use this because um I like to know where I am like in the mall right you are here that helps me I want to know where I am because then I can figure out where I want to go and for you know a lot of times when I get into my reactivity because I can be pretty reactive I don't know any other reactive people out there we know about yeah um yeah me too so like when I first got out of

graduate school the one tool I knew how to use was a reflective listening anybody ever learn that you know I heard you say what I heard you say was uh and I would teach that to my poor clients at the time and I would try to do it at home and I couldn't do it I just couldn't do it and I kept thinking well if I just do it harder or longer or whatever well I've never been good at it now and then I can I break through um but I realized it's because who who

knows maybe there are people that can do that but when I am in reactive brain forget it I can't and I don't care to cuz if I did it would sound like this um well what I heard you say is that you think this whole relationship is and that you should get the hell away from me is that what you said did I get it right so I got very interested in that I thought well okay I must not be the only one I did grow up the fourth the four kids uh so we had

a lot of um punching at the time this was the 60s that was part of what you did uh and so I got really good at uh punching back but that took me a while to get that and in other words I spent a lot of time uh trying to figure out what to do um because I was threatened I felt threatened my survival felt threatened so that's why I was so reactive oh now I'm going to try my laser and try oh there it is okay good so if you start to look at this

map I'm going to show you a little bit around um so notice the vertical line here so the way this works so I'd like you to be able to use this that's U partly why you have the book um the way this works is that these are the states of Consciousness that are the most dense okay death pretty darn dense in other words there's no movement right well there's very little movement in shame very very little movement and shame so in fact why don't you try that out when you feel ashamed like usually I go

down and in will you will you try that out like kind of what that feels like you know pulling in kind of freezing yourselves yeah very little movement there but then if you start to come up the line maybe you make it all the way up to sadness right there's more more happening with sadness and continuing up you get to anger there's a lot more a lot of people like to feel angry anybody like to feel angry better than fear or sadness yeah but all of this stuff is below this line okay it's all below

the line then we've got above the line look okay that's better all right so then we've got these more expanded States um oh there it is except it's not really that way is it because our bodies are more like this oh there's death shame okay so I don't know just get this through this here so it's going out more this direction or even oh this slide didn't work so well oh kind of did oops all right but so I'm going to show you this anybody watch Saturday Night Live you'll you'll recognize [Laughter] this so this

is this is about how we go this is these this is us this is this is a human right here all right it's actually a mammal in other words our states are very expanded sometimes right okay this was a a favorite toy in the back I just want to give the secret here um or very contracted very contracted so if you start to imagine this is a contracted State and you start coming out more and more and you're more expanded okay is that so you going to start to see that I'll pass this around just

because it's so fun play with but here's here's something that's interesting as much as we might like to feel really good it's hard to just stay out there right it's hard and plus I would say it's not actually how our bodies work because our bodies I mean think about lungs right so starting to imagine that this isn't bad it's not bad to be in reactive brain it's just different from being in Creative brain and I would say we'll get I'll talk to you more about this in just a moment about what reactive brain really is

about and what creative brain really is about but I do want to just give you a little um forewarning you might have noticed this and especially here feeling so good anybody feels so so good that then you do something to interrupt feeling that good maybe a little fight along the path or at the beach or maybe you just didn't feel like you feel kind of sick or you got a headache or maybe you ate a little too much last night uh so uh gay and Katy Hendricks call that the upper limits problem and in fact

the Hendricks say that's the only real problem there is is feeling too good that all the rest is all made up and I would say it's made up because we go into these other states that when we come back here it's like a big Shoots and Ladders game anybody ever played that game I hate that game you you go up you go up the ladders you go up the ladders you go up the ladders and then you go down the sh but to not see that as a failure as much as how your body works

it needs to rest right and then it can come back out ah and then to rest so um here I'll just just pass it around because it's fun so people make up laws and so oh see it's from a different planet we're getting there people make up laws I decided to make one up and here's the my la law anybody gets to feel anything anytime for any reason now that sounds very logical like of course anybody gets to feel anything anytime for any reason yeah okay until right well I I shouldn't be this tired I

shouldn't be hungry yet I just ate I really shouldn't be angry and for sure I shouldn't feel sexual right now right I should feel sexual there I shouldn't feel it here so we have our rules about what we're supposed to feel when and imagine this imagine you get to feel whatever the hell you're feeling like free it last fre it last so to to um to take that on like right now whatever your sensation is is what your sensation is people get very confused because we do a lot of things we do a lot of

things know to interrupt the sensations that we're having somehow we s we're suspicious of the sensations we're having we think we should be experiencing something else versus having that moment of interfacing with the sensations and letting them be the truth and that's where we're leading here is what is the truth what is the truth and here's how we can get to the truth because you get to feel what you're feeling okay and look we got the five Prim marial motions I'm so happy to see that over there let's keep it simple I I did watch

Tony's Ted Talk on the way here and um he said yeah there's something like 6,000 emotions I had no idea I was I used to say 300 so I have to expand um but what if you only had to deal with five because again if you're in reactivity you're not going to remember um now your mind might want to say things like your mind would say well I'm slightly annoyed and a little bit urbed that you were so insensitive um about this but it's just how I feel that's just my feeling well no none of

that is a feeling I don't really know what you feel out of all of that if you go back to oh I noticed my stomach's in a knot uh now we're getting somewhere so mad sad glad scared sexual all right that's the lists five and if we went back to uh the map let's see if I can do that it's going to take me a little bit here [Music] uh anybody to sing along okay if we get to the map well there's a lot more over there right anger sadness we' got fear oh despair guilt

shame oh but look they're just combinations they're just combo platters Okay so we've got there's mobilization up here and then it get starts to get okay you can run fight or flight run away run away ah mad and then as you go down here it's immobilized right so it's basically the same thing right so they're all just combos think what are the primary colors blue red yellow okay same idea okay mad sad glad scared SE sexual right so now let's let's check them out a little bit oh but first I want to tell you more

about reactive brain hm cuz there's some really cool things about reactive brain first we all have one it's what we share with mammals right so reactive brain is we are perceiving threat that's what's happening now that doesn't mean there is a threat which is really um hard thing in in a couple and you're trying to discuss whether or not something is legitimate do you really get to feel afraid well I don't know there's not really anything to feel afraid about right except for the law says you get to feel it that helps so reactive brain

is our perception of threat now something that I think is I just want to bring your attention to this because it solves a mystery of the universe for me um so this is straight from David Hawkins um he talks about force is reactive brain he uses different terms um but look that that's what the ego is has anybody ever wondered what the ego is we all know we're not supposed to have one right we're supposed to get rid of it over time we're supposed to do something so we can become enlightened well I didn't really

ever know what that was well this is what what it is so it's basically being able to move yourself out of reactive brain at any given time instead of getting so entrenched in it and so much believing yourself because you're reacting and so should everybody else so right now our culture I think we're kind of collectively stuck because don't we know things are terrible and oh my God what are we going to do and it's awful and what who who's going to you know do something about it right so we're collectively stuck in reactive brain

that's of course an overstatement but what you can do is what start to breathe oh and notice Sensations which is a really good idea to do that right now breathing and noticing Sensations because what you're doing right here feeling your feeling which is starting to change your molecules Bravo to you um and moving it through because that's really all that needs to happen um earlier when we um watching and experiencing uh Tony's intervention um I can't remember exactly what the words were from one of the participants I don't sorry I couldn't see your name um

but it was something like I I can't let go of the anger I can't let go of my anger right I can't let go of my resentments I'm still angry at my parents um you know 35 or 50 or 70 I'm still angry with my parents I can't let go with that or I'm still so traumatized I'm so afraid well okay so here's here's the thing y'all so your emotions are as meaning f as indigestion I really think that all it is is density that's accumulated in your body so if if we need to sit

down and have me you know I'm going to tell you all about the things that I have not digested and that's going to be our conversation I mean you might really not enjoy that conversation with me but that's pretty much what we're doing when we are talking about but I have these feelings I can't let them move through well why not like hopefully dinner will move through right so then it comes down to you know Tony was saying concrete stuff yeah this is concrete because if I don't move that density through what will happen is

I will will let myself get triggered right what's getting triggered it's that stuff sitting there that I never digested so I'm I'm walking along a trigger waiting to happen right and then you're going to come through my life and you're going to bless me by triggering me I forgot to say that in my appreciations all the people that have triggered me thank you it's been 60 years that's a lot of triggering um because what they did for me is allow me to feel the emotion that was just sitting there under the surface if I could

feel it I can digest it it can move through ABC okay like it's it's not that complicated maybe not so easy but not that complicated so I don't have to drag all this stuff along with me and create story after story from it and create projection after projection with people around me because I'll tell you if it's sitting in my body and you trigger me I will blame you right for triggering me stop using that tone you're not supposed to you sound like my father and you know every time I walk in the room and

you look at me that way yeah it triggers me so don't do that you know often I think in relationships people are making lists uh here's the list anybody ever do this okay here's my list of what you're not supposed to do is it yeah yeah and if if you you know be sure you don't do those things oh but do these things right okay now we'll trade list list so I won't do those things and I'll try to do these things and then now that's our relationship is everybody trying to manage the lists the

thing is if I'm in reactive brain forget the freaking list I don't know I can't remember list I can't even remember my own list let alone your list and then then what do we do oh see I can't trust you cuz you said you would never sound like my father right so this says no lists all right forget the lists so this could could open up some space for you all forget the list because who can remember the list I sure can't in reactor brain reactor brain is dumb brain okay things things happen fast physiologically

I'm ready we're going let's go but in terms of my brain functioning way down cognitively not a good time of course that's when people um decide we need to solve this problem right and whoever decided we shouldn't go to bed mad who was that person I don't know some SST along the way because in fact what we need to do is let our physiology shift we need to let that adrenaline get metabolized it takes 15 to 30 minutes to metabolize adrenaline there's a good little factoid if you're in a full-blown if you just have a

little bump that's a little faster in other words give yourself time to move through to digest this stuff so that you can uh get to the other side of it all right let's do a little Anatomy it's late you don't mind do you okay this is a cool thing about the body it'll tell you what you're feeling very handy what do you feeling honey I don't know no really what are you feeling well I guess I'm mad right I'm getting mad that whole what you feeling thing now I think that um I don't know if

this is true let's do a quick pull um do so men do you think that women know more about emotions yes okay how about women do you think you know more than men about than about emotions no okay good because what I notice is that it seems like this there's this m Mystique um that somehow women are the emotional ones right so we're supposed to be better at them but then listen to our language this is what happens I feel like you just don't understand me but it's how I feel so you don't get to

argue with how I feel so I feel like or I feel that equal gos what not a feeling it's a thought all right I'm going to do that again I feel like is a thought I feel that is just a thought so let's just TR change that all right translate now uh just make that I think easier it's clear it's the truth cuz I feel would be followed by mad sad glad scared or sexual right that would be a feeling okay now we're going now we're in a Direction so dropping out the I feel that

everybody so then going back to Sensations will lead to telling you what your emotion is all right so like for example what do that seem like that might be right so anger tends to be appear all right it's Mamon it's like it's this upwelling of of energy trying to do some stuff and we'll get to it in just a second what actually I'll just go right there now anger looks like that actually um turn to somebody next to you and and put your hand just put your hand up like that and Push Hands yeah there

we go yeah like um decide who's a and who's B okay a just push now did did any bees just give in okay we have a few bees that gave in but mostly um people don't they push back lot of pushing back yeah all right so so good now this is um I want to say this cool thing but it's a it's a side note anger and sadness and fear anything in reactive brain is resisting reality anytime you get angry or you get sad or you get afraid you are resisting what is that doesn't mean

it's aad thing to be mad or sad or scared it just is a signal to you like oh I am not actually in alignment with what is yes they died yes that is a scary threatening thing coming at me but what am I going to do I'll just be scared yes I don't like that but I'm resisting what is well that'll that'll push us along to actually try to get more and more in alignment with what is so so going back to reative brain and pushing and pushing back uh we call it negative emotions why

like why are they bad no they're not bad but they do use up energy right reactor brain emotions use up energy uh sadness fear um anger all require energy expenditure you get up to a creative brain you are generating energy reactive brain you are in stress brain you're generating stress chemicals you're in a created a whole stress soup for yourself to just sit in oh isn't that sad yeah but creative brain that's the health rebuilding response and you can only have one or the other so those of you that really like that feeling of where's

Scott we had breakfast the other but I like it I feel charged charged up yeah it's it is feeling kind of alive right but we get confused with adrenaline aliveness cuz that's adrenaline that's actually not so great for you so anger so every try that okay like anger that's right and anger is built in the see the emotions they all have functions they have a reason and this one is to stop things okay say no I don't like that no no try that no I don't like it no no I do not like that yeah

that's right that's what it's for it's pushing you know if you want to people do a lot of things you know beat on bags and kick things and stuff pushing is a really great thing can I push this no it'll push away pushing let your body have that some expression the other thing anger does pushes through obstacles in other words if I'm angry and the way I know cuz there's all this energy up here this is cool I'm either getting something I don't want no no or I'm not getting something that I want so note

that because some of you we'll get to sadness and fear some of you think that you're afraid and really you're angry now remember anybody gets to feel anything any time for any reason so you can feel you're feeling and there is a good reason because you perceive there's an obstacle or an intrusion doesn't mean there is one but your body is telling you yep it's lighting up you think there is one sadness there's a reason we feel sad these have functions our bodies are trying to talk to us I feel sad because I perceive there

to be a loss was there a loss for somebody else I was thinking about this earlier and I thought what's an example of this if I had a really good chocolate chip cookie and I dropped it I would feel sad you might not feel sad you might think that was really ridiculous but I would feel sad but then of course there's all the other losses now um with anger there's growling okay let's try growling again oh I forgot this part we need to have a good tantrum we're going to go back to anger for a

second so will you stand up yeah okay so I think a problem for adults is that we don't get to have Tantrums I mean we do have Tantrums right but we don't get to have Tantrums so um for the next few seconds I invite you to have as big a tantrum as you want that probably requires you know like P your feet come on let's have a tantrum come on okay thank you pH I feel good yeah so you can sit down no he doesn't want to sit down okay you don't have to fine you

just stay standing yeah so often our our Tantrums sound like this like well I'm thinking of when I came here the other day it was just yeser no the day before I don't know how long ago anyway a woman was in the the adjoining room oh man she was going on I bet for 25 minutes I don't know who was in the room with her turned up the TV but it sounded so she was having a tantrum but it sounded like this I can't believe you that stupid right so she was hanging by kantrum but

it was all blaming right this is a non-blaming language so instead of I almost I really was tempted give my card under her door but they all would have been happier I think um because she could have just had a big tantrum or she could have gone underneath to find out what was really going on because what she was doing was just keeping it going she wasn't actually letting herself feel what she was feeling I think that's what I made up so right exactly was I feeling what I I felt scared I was tense where

am [Laughter] I so anger stops intrusion it wants to it's pushes through obstacles on to push feel frustrated sadness sadness with loss all right I want to do a little um experience here of letting yourself feel sadness okay so we're designed for this our bodies are designed for this so imagine you feel sad maybe some of you do right now I think of this as um long yoga because what we're trying to do is go right yeah so let yourself do that little sobbing you're not sobbing it's good for you it's good for you it's

getting things moving right people get congestion in their lungs when was the last time you had a really good SOB anybody have a good SOB recently okay way right on right on so letting your your lungs have a break because you're supporting that now when people cry just listen to this what are we we're trying to get a response this is another cool little thing um mammals when we're sad and scared we want comfort when we're angry we want space so if I'm crying I'm pulling for you to come and comfort me now it gets

confusing sometimes because people do that right it's so sad and they're actually feeling something else entirely that's a different Twist on this but just basic sadness as long as I'm crying um I haven't given up because despair is an actual physiological event of giving up thinking that anybody is ever coming right so keep crying keep yourself crying keeps keeps the Hope going there's a there's a bumper [Laughter] sticker what is fear for well that yeah we perceive a threat um fight flight right fight flight we're trying to get away freeze this is all built into

our bodies so because of that we do one more expression here one of my favorite all time so um so stand up yes you're gonna really like this okay so now this is this is uh in light of something that you're very scared about oh this is perfect timing with Halloween coming up okay what this requires is for you to stick your hands up okay uh and we're going to freak out so when I get started you just go with me and it goes like this [Music] fre good job freak out freak outers so you

can sit down I highly recommend regular freakouts regular tantrums and regular safests it's good for your body help help support your health move that [Music] through right keep it moving so what are we coming to well this when you're in reactive brain emotions don't talk okay don't talk this is not the time of process I saw a couple once this could be the record let's see if anybody can beat it they talk for 10 hours anybody beat that one oh my God like what do you do do you pee and then you keep talking I

don't know so talking when you're in reactor brain forget it it is not worth it it's not going to help I promise anybody dispute that yeah well I've tried many times okay maybe if I try this way maybe if I make that point that's really going to score right o yeah H I learned along the way uh when I get into the debate right the we're back into the arguable land win lose it creates disconnection does not create connection but who cares cuz I'm going to be right yeah I'm going to score those points we

drove across Nebraska one time scoring points back and forth and back and forth yeah I I don't know who won It Might Have Been Me Maybe not uh but even if I win anybody realize this if you win now your partner has lost right now you're with a loser did you figure that out it's a problem don't talk you don't need to process it really uh and for sure don't try to solve it you can't because when you're in reactive brain your thinking is concrete it is not coming up with a new thing it'll be

the same old damn thing we need a budget that's the one right uh instead what you can do is everything else so let's come let's generate some things here's some of my favorites um uh squirt gunfight uh running around the block um standing on our head okay never did that dancing dancing could we have a little dancing here's a shift move right here we can just all shift by dancing and not by talking so uh what else what else could we do what have you done that's really worked for you that wasn't talking what gastric

meditation sex swim in the ocean pole dancing right there's all these other creative things like an infinite amount instead of talking because the only thing that you to do if you're in reactive brain the only thing to do if you're in you're in reactive brain is get to create a brain that's the only thing to do so I I'm from Boulder Colorado and uh I have a friend um and a couple years ago she was hiking next to the pter pter river which is up in Fort Collins and this was a big fast River it

was the April runoff and uh she was hiking along and she she was hiking with her dog but the dog was okay just so you know that's for Gwen um but she slipped into the river now you don't not do not want to be in a a river in April in Colorado right it's uh very quick to hypothermia and death so she's in the river but she gets out and she says later um well this is what I was thinking when I was in the river get to get to the shore get to the shore

right that's what she was thinking get to the shore this is not what she was thinking who the hell put that trail right next to the river that's not what she was thinking she wasn't thinking oh my God I can't believe how stupid I was that I fell she was saying get to the shore so that's what I'm saying to you get to the freaking Shore get out of reactive brain into creative brain because if you were in Creative brain you can solve any problem there is no problem it's suddenly full of possibilities so get

to the shore don't talk we did that notice your Sensations feel them actually feel the sensation and then Express them now because if you do all that what's going to happen is you're going to be in this magical new land of creative brain right the one that you're in most of the time Hawkins thinks that um 75% of humans stay in reative brain all the time that's that's intense isn't it you know a lot of that is because it's about survival right and there are threats for a large portion of our planet people are still

dealing with how you know how am I going to get through the day right so some of this is simply about privilege um the privilege of safety but still understand what that means 75% so that's what we're dealing with folks that can't think clearly can't think about possibilities our in Dumb brain um can't move out into something that feels about creativity and expansiveness but look La isn't that great right all of these other States more and more expanded like as you move out of reactor brain this is where you can get to um the new

possibilities and look here's here's how you get from reactor brain which you cannot see here at the moment to creative brain is willingness willingness to see yourself as the Creator and that's the message to this whole thing right what you're doing here I think this week is to understand you're the source you are the Creator that as you know notice your Sensations that's the only thing that's really happening there's nothing else out there that's really happening what's going on is from the inside and if you can interface with that reality if you can come in

here you're you're at the place you're finding your power your power to understand oh this is that sensation that's right here and right there and the constriction of my throat and then the power to shift it because at the molecular level with your awareness and your attention it's going to shift whoa that is total magic I think CU look look what's up there we did manad glad scared sexual we got glad sexual coming finally there it is right aliveness is up in Creative brain now some people think aliveness is in reactive brain well again I

think that's more adrenaline but okay whatever but uh and of course sexual can happen anywhere through the whole map um because that's life energy that's that's that just that buzz of energy and aliveness but that's what's up in Creative brain so when you're in Creative brain that's when we can do all kinds of things including um get to finally oh yeah there she is we never got to the W Sensations emotions well what's the W oh it's the want we get to want what we want why can't we want cuz we want it cuz we

want it you don't have to justify or defend what you want H that takes a lot of conversation out you just get to want it because you want it because then finally we've got two two people who have moved out of reactive brain the clouds have have cleared you're back to Blue Sky and you can start to wonder about this question now when I pose this to couples they really are kind of flum miixed I mean it seems impossible right we have to compromise we can't both get everything that we want I mean we're reactive

brain is competitive it's one or the other where there's not enough to go around we can't it's all contracted but a uh creative brain is open and expanded and the possibilities are infinite that's where we can create all kinds of great stuff and it's co-creative it's about meeting and being met so and Tony asked me to add one more thing which I'm going to do right now he said well actually he didn't say it to me I heard a rumor that he really wants you to know something about um the drama triangle so anybody ever

heard of the drama triangle it's got an out so it's a Cartman drama triangle okay not very many well this is cool and it is in the book hm if I pull this can you see this not really huh kind of yeah yeah kind of but not over there oh but from the cuz you'll walk the monitor that's way cool all right I think we're good because you know you guys got it I can just figure out how to use thing oh there we go high-tech magic markers Stephen Cartman came up with this in 1968

I use this literally every day uh in my practice as a psychologist all right so so get ready for this one this is this is I love this stuff okay so um oh it's a triangle and there are three points in the Triangle now he uses different words but I'm going to use these words because this is what I use these days villain and hero I've heard some people talk about um uh taking care of and and putting themselves out for other people and you know uh getting stuck in some relationship Dynamics well if you

look at this so these three points in the Triangle you could come in at any point you can come in because you're the hero you're taking care of somebody but look what a hero needs hm oh and you know what else a hero needs right because how can a hero take care of a victim if there's nothing to take care of them from to protect them from okay start to get this now once you get into this triangle and uh this is reactive brain it's really hard to get out really hard so beware now we

go in and out of it day by day like maybe hour by hour like whose fault is it right we had to figure out who's to blame that's a big question in the media who's to blame for this because it creates drama if there's someone to blame right we know what we have to do to take care of it against those poor people but the problem is that this is a distortion of responsibility because the hero is taking more than their 100% And the victim is taking less than their 100% got it so then you

get stuck in this where I'm going to take care of you no really I am okay good you because I need you I need you that's right from those terrible people out there so I'll make sure everything's better the problem is that this is unsustainable because yes he is heavy even though he's my brother he gets uh heavy you know how long can you keep carrying the brother before you just like get down and get you on your own damn feet right so so this once we're in it it's really hard to get out of

it except that you can and I wonder how are we doing 20 is that true 25 minutes great so because I can demonstrate with somebody um about getting out of this so let's do that is there a couple or it could just be one person we can start with one who might be stuck in a triangle yes okay we got a so do you want to why don't you come on up [Music] here how do you say your name Saki saki saki okay Julie good to meet you saki okay so um why don't you take

about one minute if somebody will time for us one minute to complain about the issue okay but claim you know be really good ex like put yourself into it like okay um okay so my complaint is um that I constantly find myself stuck in oh the victim mode oh just stuck in the victim yeah tell us more and I feel um I feel powerless to break out of it even though I know I'm in it and I know there's something better but I'm just just stuck and what's one time that you've been stuck um it's

usually I mean it's maybe it's usually in a work situation uhhuh um yeah so I feel I feel powerless to become the influencer that I want to be uhhuh um and maybe sometimes in like family situations as well I feel um I feel stuck it to again be the influencer for positive that I want to be so yeah great thank you thank you and so as you can tune into your body what are your Body Sensations as you're thinking about that and talking about that um I feel a lot of tightness in my chest like

difficulty to take a deep breath to reach my diaphragm uhhuh yeah anything else um like my heart's beating really fast but that might be while I'm up here yeah yeah and how's your jaw tight tight jaw okay yeah so what I didn't get to is okay we got tight up here sadness is here fear is here okay so anything so I'm just checking in those zones and how's your stomach around here um right now it's okay right now the second like good or yeah I mean it tends to I tend to have like tightness here

as well but right now your solar plexus yeah okay so but right now you don't have tightness but you have tightness here and here okay great so um I would ask the audience what we should do now but I think I'll just Skip Along uh so how about breathing into those areas noticing the here and noticing here huh and which of those two is more intense at the moment um my jaw your job great wonderful and uh as you notice that and you put your attention on there is that mad or sad or scared um

scared and mad scared and mad very nice great scared and mad yeah now I didn't actually talk about how to even do that but you just did that I think of it as like putting paint chips here like does it mostly feel like people have opinions about what they're supposed to feel and what they're not supposed to feel now the fact that it's up here would probably aim towards the anger let's just go there first so how about letting yourself feel as mad as you feel since anybody gets to feel anything anytime for any reason

yeah hey m m yeah great and as you tune into that what's happening with your jaw now I'm just I'm trying to loosen it oh you're trying to loosen it okay well you could tighten it okay great right yeah sometimes it's good to go more instead of less so and so then while you're in that saki do do you you want me to push against you a little bit can you tell me what is it that you're getting that you don't want or not getting that you want I'm not getting decisiveness and Clarity oh yeah

great not getting okay great and uh so I'm not getting that is there anything that you're getting that you don't want um shame and guilt I don't want shame I don't want guilt yeah okay you want to do a little more pushing decisiveness okay now notice with anger it's great because getting to the W of what do I want starts to get kind of clear yeah uhhuh and how's your jaw now oh better better it's magic yeah yeah it's better that cool uhhuh so that's better now and look what we didn't do like what do

your job to do with pushing right but there because you got to express and how about how's your chest doing right now well I I was just able to take a deep breath yeah okay started to move uhhuh is there any tension left a bit not much not as much as right there and uh is as you put your attention on that uh does that mostly feel like mad or sad or scared scared scared great because you get to be scared uhhuh and just noticing that trying to breathe into it I get it you can't

really breathe yeah and then what is the perceived threat um failure afraid of failing yeah yeah so let's let you be afraid about failing um let's do a freak out okay okay put your put that down because it's a little louder well I don't know unless we like amplification of this all right so we're going to freak out about failing okay like oh my God I can fail oh my God ready okay thank you okay oh my God I fail I fail oh my God I can fail oh no I can fail I can [Music]

[Music] fail right on she's good at this isn't that's great actually you give her a little that was really full out so I'm afraid of failing and so how's your chest now it's clear right how's your jaw better okay I guess I should give this back to you clearing better she said okay so clearing the smoke of reactive brain how's the rest of you any play any other other places that are lighting up yeah it feels good okay so then so what is it that you really want I want to push through and just listen

to my intuition be able to rely on my intuition okay all right now what I love I don't know can you see come up here okay will you say that again um I want to be able to recognize my intuition and and listen to to her yeah so I don't know if you could see it cuz I made you more nervous by look at everybody but uh it's like now we could have gone through a couple of the W's about what do you want well I want those people at work to be nicer I want

but we didn't have to have to do that cuz once that cleared it was you were right there this is what I really want yeah yeah and do you have an action step that would come out of that um I guess it would just be to learn to recognize um every time I I like I hear my intuition and then just keep reinforcing that along the way great and how about one time you can like tomorrow or tonight something that's easy where you recognize your your intuition so just to imagine okay I'm going to do

one time I'm going to recognize my intuition in the next few hours or some amount of time is that okay with you yeah um I guess cuz I'm not at work right now but um I could listen to what I want to do first thing in the morning oh great yeah wonderful okay yeah so let me just walk what us through what just happened okay so saki said oh yeah I'm in the victim at work right kind of sounded like that I'm complaining what can I do so but then speaking the arguable truth okay Sensations

emotions so noticing them expressing them then clears things out so then oh you know what I really want so that's clear to you and then taking the action step will take you in a direction towards what you want yeah so that's what it is thank you so much thank you all right so I see a five minutes left this is very handy over here uh so anybody have questions or comments about this yeah yes hi Julie I'm Diane Diane so just a question on the what you want ah yes if you're on a a heated

topic like children and Blended families and a difference of opinions on the Blended children yeah right when you get to the what do you want yes you could still have a potentially heated what I want versus what he wants what I want is for you to just stop tell your kids tell my kids tell so how do you unheat the what you want in that scenaria what are some tools mechanisms great uh the biggest one would be get to the shore so if there's heat right you're still in it you're still in reactive brain there

is no solution in reactive brain that you haven't thought of already you tried all those things right yeah well you stop you keep your kids there or you stopped you don't tell him right all that stuff came from control see creative brain is influence it's not control nobody wants to be controlled so the heat says that you're not you haven't moved the sensations through you haven't digested it through enough you haven't cleared the air so that you um you can't actually get to this place of oh yeah we can solve this this is easy you

know this is very solvable because I want you to get what you want as long as I get to get what I want like somehow we've got this big open space of possibility where we can start weaving things together and it becomes co-creative so just remember you're not you haven't gone back to the shore exactly remember you haven't gone back to the shore yes here's a handy way John gotman you've heard his name says if your your pulse is over 100 beats per minute stop talking I say stop talking anyway right I've imagine having one

of those heart rate monitors that goes off as an alarm but it seems scary I haven't done that yet but yeah so yeah it's not a good time to talk you are not cognitive consider yourself cognitively disabled if you're in reactive brain because you are yes hi my name is Abel from Miami and the question that I have is what is something that maybe my partner can say to me to let me know that I'm in reactive brain so that we could go ahead and cool The Situation off wonderful question yeah I actually um I

cut foam uh circles uh green and red so people can hold them up it's a very delicate moment right to how to actually signal I don't know maybe it could be like a a sign or a RB could be this could be uhuh but yeah to make so yeah right but to be creative like that to actually have a signal is a great idea uh what an what a wonderful thing to to ask for that kind of support now typically um one of the Hallmarks of reactive brain is you were my beloved and now one

second later you are my enemy so it just it happens that fast and it's supposed to so you may or may not react in a friendly fashion to that particular flash of but that's the thing can somebody say oh wait a second because with two people that's the hope that's the possibility somebody will still be on the shore and can throw a line and say no really so my all-time favorite it's almost fail safe the one thing that I've seen that that will work for people is to Simply put your hand on the other person

now sometimes like don't touch me don't touch me right but then you could just sort of lean maybe or put a little foot over there or just you know maybe a pinky because skin-to-skin contact is an is an almost instant okay kind of a signal of safety so so that's one of those things that if if you can get your hand over there and just put it on their leg it they'll start to calm down yes hey there my name is Ali from Nashville Tennessee um you know we live in a world where there would

be no light without Darkness there'd be no up without down and so you know sometimes I find myself in life where I'm happy all the times and all of a sudden I'm not happy I'm not appreciating it and almost need a healthy amount of anger or sadness and I wonder if you have any advice on um on just how to how to maintain that balance you know does that question makees sense T maybe you could expand I love that question yeah um I don't know where the the expander went it's over there somewhere um I

agree with you um there's part like what I really like that push of the anger like and also that pulling in of the sadness and you can tell I really like freaking out so there's something about all of those states that it's yeah I love contrast oh thank y'all [Laughter] I love contrast I mean what's better than being really thirsty and getting a great drink of water you know right I love contrast and so again to not see this is wrong this isn't wrong this is this is being whole this is a whole human here

too so this isn't like okay let's make this bad the reactive brain is not negative except for it uses up energy but as a as a thing it's it's it's who we are it's how we're designed we are designed with a reactive brain that we would not be here really we literally would have died because we didn't jump out of the way of the damn bus right so so just knowing that truth and just having love and appreciation for the moment knowing that it's a good that I'm sad which um that means I have happiness

look forward to I guess right yeah well and that um it's the colors so experiencing all the color instead of just one being able to go through all of it um the other thing that's like here's the trick this is a this is a tough trick but it's possible which is um reactor brain really wants to create a story about how it's right and true so that if I'm in Anger no wonder I'm in anger because you know a bunch of or whatever like of course that scares you know climate change wo right so we

right just for a little thrill um things are boring so let's talk about something that will Adrenalize us right so that's okay but understand that it's just a just a story now I'm more and more careful about the stories I tell I love stories we're natural storytellers so mostly I tell stories from out here in Creative brain reactive brain I try to not tell stories because those stories will anchor me into those levels and I want to move through them I mean they're fine to you know have for a few minutes and then uh well

I've spent way too much time in that sort of place of Darkness so I want to um anchor myself as much as I can with stories out here but for sure to experience all that stuff it's our bodies you know let's let's use them okay that was fantastic thank you great two more questions hi um hi um my name is Anette I'm from Panama p and um I really love uh this triangle because it's just so clear how we can really fall into manipulating another one by just uh forfeiting into one of the U places

for example if if I can play a victim I'm going to um list it from someone else either the position of the hero or the position of the vi the villain absolutely and it's incredible how this can happen within oneself and how you can like shift around in the relationship like you know switch places cuz say that I choose the victim which would be probably my default mode then then I would get my partner to be the villain and then he would have to come and rescue me because he would have hurt me yes terribly

that's yeah terribly yeah yeah in fact um so you can make somebody else crazy by just uh absolutely yeah and this is what happens in like over and over and over this is what I work with because people one person will get stuck going back and forth here another one will get stuck here often this will be the depressed oneand coming in this person will be kind of anxious and annoyed and critical um because they're sick of it and people get so stuck in it as if it's the truth versus they can move out of

that absolutely thank you for that yes and I want to say the word hurt uhhuh thank you for bringing the word hurt in here it's not on the list y'all okay what if you gave that word up H H perhaps still very interesting yes yeah I like that yeah so that you you stuck with those cuz those are going to move you out cuz they're the primaries right and they're going to move you out you're going to get get to the shore you don't have to get stuck and because you know you really hurt my

feelings you really terrible person you and then you're stuck here no I I will never do that again I'll be nice to you for the rest of my life right versus get out of all of those say what's really true digest it and then you have all that great time and create a brain so you've given us um some tools and strategies how we can move from reactive brain to creative brain can you give us some more oh sure oh fun question let's see um playing playing right we had that was fun playing is a

great strategy to um like even doing things like exaggerating um so if it goes it's true I am you really did hurt my feelings you can go big more into it like oh because it's terrible it's all terrible right so you can exam exaggerate push push more and more into it that's one version of playing or here's another one okay it's late I know but get your tongue out okay close the tongue come on come on close the tongue okay and now they're going to have a say h i can't believe you did that what

are you thinking good that's a good one puppet talking um waiting waiting is a good one just waiting I I did this I was really angry really angry so I had that thing about adrenaline takes 15 to 30 minutes so I went and I sat in a Starbucks and I go to this stupid really does this work I don't know and then it was like 10 minutes later it's like this is sort of working and then okay hey yeah I feel a lot better and also here's here's one of my all-time favorites is the big

gulp strategy you know those are big drinks so if you're starting to have a fight start with that drink and keep drinking and drinking at some point somebody's going to have to pee which will kind of disrupt the whole thing and then maybe while they're in the bathroom where you are then you be like oh man what am I supposed to do store I can't remember right but something will happen to to change it because it's really physiology physiology like shifting your physiology that's the point is to move out of that um adrenaline thing so

that you can move uh back into clear and open space great oh well so here's what's possible y' I'm not really even from the South but it's so fun to say yeah here's what's possible it's possible to have a self and have connection it's possible to have passion and aliveness because you're in the Stream of of your own uh uh feelings that are moving through you know I think about waves and I think well a lot of times people are like oh man do I have to have another feeling G now I have to feel

scared I just this was feeling mad and then I got better and now I had to G right but you sit on the beach you don't say thank God it's the last wave right you assume there's going to be more and more coming through and that's what it makes the ocean so beautiful and they're all different right so then you get to Surf them so that's what I uh invite you to do is become expert Surfers of your emotional self your Sensations and that understand your emotions are right there just trying to talk to you

so it can clear through and you can get to what you want then you can communicate that in a way that's non-blaming that the other person can hear you and they can say what they want to you and you're like really I didn't even know that well how could we both get everything we want that's a great relationship and it's totally possible so I I invite you and bless you with that I think that's your possibility for sure all right oh