How To Respond To Rude Comments

today we're talking about how to respond to rude comments those moments you're caught off guard by something that wasn't nice do you say something do you not say something what do you say all that and more coming right up welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to subscribe or follow this podcast and please leave a review it really does help and if you have any suggestions on topics as

always just throw them in the comments the next time someone makes a rude comment towards you here's what I want you to do number one begin your response with the phrase did you mean it's a question of intent we're going to go into detail on that did you mean number two if it's a more passive aggressive type of roote comment in other words it's not directly at you it's more off to the side and you know and they know it was meant for you we're going to have questions that check them these are questions like

did I offend you in some way or are you doing all right it sounds like you're having a a hard day there are ways that you can check them without coming across like you're also wanting to be rude and number three my personal favorite response to a rude comment is nothing at all you respond with absolute silence but there's a technique and a trick on how to do it correctly and here's the thing about rude comments they tests there are ways for the other person to test T and assess what your temperature is can they

get a reaction you or not so I want you to pretend it's like a card game you have a set of cards they have a set of cards when they first make that rude comment they're playing it too you have a choice do I play this game or do I not maybe you decide that you want to you're going to lay a four or they're going to lay another rude comment and then they play a seven and you go okay how far do I push this how of how far do we go in these rude

comments between one another and that's a bad game to play because nobody wins right everybody's going to lose in that game one of you is going to have to apologize and it's typically the person who plays the last card whoever says the worst thing that shuts the game down is typically the person who is now the responsibility to apologize first when you can end it all by just not playing the game rude comments are like platforms to where if they say something rude and you say something rude well you've now just Justified them and taking

another step you've now Justified and said convinced them that you are every bit of the comment that they just made because now instead of being curious about it and saying Hey where's this coming from instead you're doubling down on it which makes it look like you're confirming what they said and saying yeah but even but you're this and you're that and you're X Y and Z they're just going to get more defensive and then it's going to continue to ramp up so it's a losing game lose lose situation don't do it so let's assume that

someone's made a rude comment towards you rude comments in my opinion are ones that they're not terribly insulting like super condescending bad bad things that you would say directly to somebody but they're also not polite they're not nice they're not kind they can fall in between and usually they catch you off guard that you're not expecting them in some way and at that moment you have a decision do I respond or do I not respond and the answer depends on the context it also depends on the Rel ship but let's assume in this situation you're

walking into a meeting and you have somebody that you know is YouTube really don't get along all that much but they make this comment they say well it's nice of you to finally show up in that moment you know that's a dig the other people around know that's a dig but they may not know the history between you two so you're stuck in the situation of what do I say because if I'm ugly and I bring up past stuff the people around you aren't going to understand but they will understand if you decide to be

rude right in that moment so how you respond matters what I like to suggest in number one is you use the question did you mean and you insert different ways to respond for example did you mean for that to sound rude did you mean to embarrass me did you mean to upset me when you say did you mean you give them a chance to clarify you give them a chance to assess what they just said it's a question of intent meaning you want to find out what was your intent in saying that what what were

you trying to achieve by making that comment and so when you say things that are questions of intent you make them double back on what they said and often you can avoid an argument altogether because let's assume that this person who made this comment well they're not really just the weren't really trying to be ugly it came out the wrong way that's not what they were really trying to say so when you say did did you mean to to embarrass me or did you mean for that to sound offensive or rude nine times out of

10 when you call them to the mat on that kind of question they'll say oh no no what I meant to say was oh no no no what I meant to do and they try and clarify they backtrack or they they further explain and that makes you look more wise it looks like you have integrity it looks like you're the one that's being the bigger person by check it rather than just assuming their intent on it and I also want to explain that this works really well with text or email how many times have you

been in a communication with someone and the text just read the wrong way you ever had somebody just say k or okay when you all of a sudden just felt like oh that's just them being dismissive they're not really taking me seriously and automatically you just want to shut them off you go oh okay fine I don't have to be like that that easy way to check that is for you to text did you mean for that to be short did you mean for that to sound like you're upset often they'll clarify that and say

no no no no I I was just in the middle of something or I was I was uh during an erend I was making a cup of coffee and I just wanted to let you know that I got the text so often you can have this sense of giving Grace to other people by just simply asking the question and setting up the phrase did you mean it can really put out arguments before they even start now I also want you to dial in on passive aggressive comments that are rude passive aggressive comments as you know

they're not direct meaning they don't feel comfortable in their personality to say things to your face instead they will say them in a way that's kind of snarky and snide off to the Sigh because they don't feel comfortable saying them directly to to face to face so here's what I mean let's assume you're in a conversation with someone and they make this comment I mean it'd be nice you know if somebody cared you both know it's aimed towards you but instead they couch it in terms of it' be nice if somebody cared how you deal

with that is you pull them out of their current environment meaning you have to make them step back in the conversation understanding what they just said so if they were to make that comment it would be nice if somebody cared you respond with a question that checks them like this it sounds like there's more to that it sounds like there's more to that in that moment you're pulling them out they go oh wait what did I just say and you're calling them to the mat in a way that says what exactly are you trying to

say do you understand what you just said it sounds like there's more to what you're telling me in other words I'm I'm catching this passive aggressive behavior and I'm not just going to let it fly by another way to ask is it sounds like you're having a a hard day or it's sounds like we need to have another discussion or we need to talk a little bit more using these phrases like it sounds like it seems like and throwing things out there in a way that encouraged them to talk more is going to get you

a whole lot farther than just saying oh you're talking about me you wish I cared let me tell you about that's going to just make it even worse so instead you're going to catch them with questions that say uh it sounds like or it seems like now okay now my favorite number three is to respond with silence but there is a trick a technique that I like to do and that is to count you don't have to count but it needs to last 4 seconds 4 seconds is enough to be defined as a long pause

meaning if somebody were to make a rude comment towards you you're going to look at them for seconds one two three four enough to give a look of almost puzzlement as if you find it curious and what you're doing in those 4 seconds is you're saying I heard it I listened to it I evaluated it and I have concluded that it is not worthy of a response from me it's not something I'm even going to entertain it's not something I'm even going to put back into this world it is just going to fall aside a

nice uh idea that you can have in your mind a mindset of it as if you have a desk off to the side what I talk with my clients is it's a council desk you're an attorney you're standing up and you have a counsil desk when somebody gives you something that you don't want and you know it's rude you take that piece of paper that's their words and without even looking on it you set it to the side on the council table as if you say no I know my truth I know my presence I

know my purpose here I'm going to take what you just said that I know to be rude because I've listened to it I heard it I considered it I waited and I'm just putting it right here on the council table and that's the best way to handle those rude comments just nothing but silence okay now we're at the portion of the episode where I get to read an email from a follower uh if you're not already signed up you can sign up there in the show notes for my newsletter it's a Weekly Newsletter where I

send out a communication tip once a week right to your inbox short and sweet typically three points and I'm going to read one right now so this one is from Amy she's over in Paris that's awesome y y'all should be getting ready for the Olympics right the the Olympics I think are starting like in a week uh she says Hey Jefferson love your stuff thanks Amy I have a problem with a colleague who always emails very short sentences I try not to take them personally but I have a tough time with it is there's something

I can do to make her emails not so short Amy totally got you you're not the only one that has this problem um in the business world we value expedient expediency where we like everything to be very fast we want very quick short you have slack you have different ways of instant messaging people so having very short feww responses are pretty normal but I want I commend you on not taking them personally because that's that can go a negative spot a dark place very quickly here's what I want you to do like just what we

talked about earlier in this episode you can use did you mean so if you were to reply to something if she said something very short and you felt it to be dismissive or you felt it be a negative feeling inside you when you when you read that you can always clear it up with a did you mean did you mean for that to sound short question mark and send that what you don't want to do what I don't want you to do is start assuming is to start assuming the intent that you start to just

have a an email that is four sentences six sentences long where you all of a sudden have a paragraph after you're trying to just assume and guess what this person meant or you're assuming a certain tone and so you're sending it back to this person in a negative light don't do that just very quickly say did you mean for that to sound short it it should be cleared up pretty quickly another thing that you can do that it's going to depend on your relationship with this person is to ask them for more context can you

go further can you go a little deeper into that ask those questions those probing questions that make them give you more information just say can I have some more context with that question mark you don't need something long in detail to say hey I am so sorry which is over apologizing right like we talked about in the prior episode instead of saying hey I'm so sorry um I'm not really sure exactly what you're saying I wonder if you're asking this are you asking that that's too much just keep it short to the point you got

this Amy okay I got time for another one this one is from Paul and ER Arona Paul says hey jeffon love your stuff man thanks Paul appreciate it I have a mother that likes to make rude comments under her breath that are kind of passive aggressive a lot of the times at family functions I'm not sure how best to handle it what do you suggest oh Paul sorry about that that's um that's tricky Mamas are tricky a lot of emotion a lot of history a lot of feelings wrapped up in that here's what I can

tell you uh if this is a mama that loves you which I'm assuming that it is uh you want to make sure that whatever you say is kind back so when you're ugly to somebody and when you're rude often what it does uh like we discussed is make them jump so if you say something rude well now she feels like she's justified in saying something a little bit more direct that's not so under her breath and you have to be also careful of the context you have family around maybe other kids around so you want

to be careful of that real quick way if she's making these passive aggressive comments is that rule number two step number two where you get to say there sounds like there's more to that Mom Mom it sounds like there's more to what you're saying or ask a question is there more to what you're saying when you're asking that question is there more it's you not just taking her comment as something offensive for you to all automatically get defensive about instead you're taking a moment to be curious about what she said and Diving deeper into I

want to know more because I can tell this is coming from a place that is unresolved I can tell this is coming from a place that's that's deeper than what we're talking about so when you have that moment just check her by bringing her out of that environment and say it sounds like we there's something that else that we need to discuss and often that will take care of it all together but bottom line is depending on the context and of course because it's your mother uh you want to make sure that you approach a

situation with a lot of Grace and a lot a lot of patience so what are we going to do the next time that someone makes a comment that is rude toward you all right number one you're going to remember that did you mean did you mean for that to sound rude did you mean for that to hurt my feelings you're going to find a way to to be a mirror so that they can hear what they've said and see if they're going to clarify it and fix it and that will often remove the argument you

can also when we're talking about number two passive aggressive comments check them by pulling them out of their current environment to say it seems like or it sounds like it sounds like you're having a hard day it seems like there's more to what you're saying getting them to come to bring the light what they're really trying to say and number three of course anybody can do it and that's to say nothing count your head four seconds and then continue on with your day and that's how to handle rude comments if You' like to support this

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