Talking is OVERRATED: most problems cannot be solved with discussion

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is sync hacks Better Living Through psychology the topic of today's short talk is talking is overrated how ironic now this might sound strange coming from a therapist but I'm here to tell you that in relationships talking is overrated but Orion isn't communication the key to good relationships yes it is however you have to understand that while all talking is communication not all communication is talking talking is good for some things like planning Logistics and it is absolutely terrible for other things the most common misapplication of this principle is assuming

that if communication is the key to good relationships then you have to talk about everything all the time and that is absolutely not true a fair share of effective communication is knowing what not to talk about and understanding when talking is useless at this point in my life I'm convinced that I could have a peaceful loving respectful relationship with a woman who couldn't even speak English why because the point of a relationship is not to convey semantic information and everything essential to a relationship can be communicated without words I'm also a fantastic partner which as

we'll see makes a big difference however this hasn't always been the case I've been in some relationships in the past where most of the relationship consisted of talking about the relationship what did you mean when you said that how are we doing where is this going and that is death why because the point of a relationship is to come together and experience each other in the world through that connection and while you can do this through talking it is almost always less interesting and vital than doing which would you rather do have sex or talk

about having sex be on holiday or talk about the trip you took six months ago talking is to doing as imagination is to reality the former is a pale imitation of the latter and all other things being equal the more time you spend talking the less time you spend doing and that's where all the good stuff is here's another reason why talking is overrated how often has it happened in your life that your partner has said to you we need to talk and when you sat down with this other person he or she said I

need you to know that last week when we were having a discussion about my mother I never felt so heard and respected and validated in my life you need to know that I'm very satisfied with this relationship and I'm extremely content with the way things are going and I'm only concerned that I just might not be able to love you any more than I currently do like that never happens does it and why is that because when people say we need to talk it's because somebody has a problem and they believe that talking is going

to resolve that problem and again this is going to sound really weird coming from a therapist but that is often not the case only a small subset of problems can really be solved by talking about them and in many cases talking about problems becomes a problem in and of itself now before I go any further if you're liking what you're hearing please consider sending this to someone who might benefit from its message it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help the channel to grow and you can also hit the super thanks button and

tip me in proportion to the value you feel you've derived from this episode I really appreciate your support act actually helps to reduce an undesired Behavior it's generally because the possibility of talking about the behavior again is more aversive than giving up the behavior itself that is talking is a punishment Marcia Linehan the creator of dialectical behavior therapy understood this to be true when a client violated his or her treatment agreement Say by missing a group session or arriving late she would not allow the therapy to proceed until the behavior was exhaustively discussed the client

would be eager to talk about an argument she had with her boyfriend or a conflict he had at work and she wouldn't let them she would take time out of what the client wanted to do to talk about something he or she had done and clients generally hated that so much that they changed their behavior it was the punitive component of talking that moved the needle not the problem solving or understanding potentialities of talking that most people assume to be responsible for the behavior change to the extent that we need to talk works it's because

it's punitive and punishments reduce the frequency of behavior but should you really be punishing your partner it's generally not a very good idea for a number of reasons in the first place to the extent that it works it increases the power imbalance in a relationship why for the simple reason that punishments can really only issue from the more powerful to the less powerful so the more you employ punishment the more powerful you become and the less powerful your partner becomes which isn't usually sustainable as it leads to resentment on both sides punishers are resentful because

they increasingly feel parentified and critical and punishes are resentful because they increasingly feel infantilized and criticized what a drag after all good relationships are about enjoying who your partner is not about changing them into who you want them to be now when do people feel like they need to talk when somebody was disrespectful or somebody was lazy or somebody was irresponsible or somebody was inconsiderate or somebody was withholding Etc unpopular opinion but talking will not fix any of those things talking will not make a disrespectful person respectful or a lazy person productive or a irresponsible

person responsible and insisting on talking about these issues is really a kind of intolerance for the partner you chose the way to solve these problems is not by talking but by being respectful productive responsible considerate and generous if you are a good partner and you choose people who are also good partners there really won't be much to talk about this is why I believe that I could have an excellent relationship with someone who doesn't speak my language I know how to be a good partner and I know how to recognize people who know how to

be good partners all the things that I'm looking for in a relationship kindness loyalty tenderness sensuality patience generosity positivity prioritization connection do not need words in fact they can all be communicated wordlessly in actions and in a general attitude toward life I have plenty of people to talk to if I feel the urge to do so I don't need a woman to talk to I need a woman for other things the fact of the matter is is there is little need to talk about most problems because the vast majority of problems spontaneously remiss which is

to say they tend to take care of themselves you don't have to talk about every little thing you don't have to process every uncomfortable emotion that you experience throughout your week these things come and go on the other hand talking about a problem enshrines that in the memory of the relationship such that something that could have been a temporary issue becomes a permanent fact the only issues that really need to be discussed are deal breakers and there are really these are really just two minute conversations if a problem is so bad that it would destroy

the relationship all by itself then give people the option to choose between the problem or the relationship and move on with your life it's not easy but it really is that simple and that's what I have to say for the time being what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this Channel and you may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid

consultation as always thank you for listening