welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host stepen colar folks here in New York here in the Big Apple after weeks of just bitter cold it was 50° outside today the sun it's not 50 in here but outside it was 50° the Sun was shining the birds were chirping the doggy Dew was defrosting life finds a way and and we we need that reminder because for many people this is a dark time not just in America case in point three years ago today Russia invaded Ukraine and to Mark the occasion the US
sponsored a resolution in the UN urging an end to the war in Ukraine that did not blame Russia for starting the war cuz you know what after all this time who can remember who invaded who I mean it was three years ago it might have been Chris Rock who threw his face at Will Smith's slapping hand I don't know at this point another resolution was was after this right there was this next resolution was offered by Ukraine and the European Union condeming Russia and calling for a complete and conditional withdrawal of Russian forces the United
States voted against that along with our traditional allies Russia and North Korea so uh it's subtle but there's been a little shift in our foreign policy we're going to have to retroactively change a few of our Cold War movies so get ready for for a hug for Red October cuz I got to say cuz pal paling it up with Putin and Kim Jung Un with Russia and North Korea that makes us part of um I'm sorry what's the term an AIS of evil thank you for your painting sir uh speaking of evil Elon Musk our
federal Workforce our federal Workforce [Applause] that had a tail on it I did not see that coming our federal Workforce is in the clutches of a heartless billionaire who wants to colonize Mars with vehicles shaped like his penis by which I mean cyber trucks he should see a doctor this weekend field Marshall musk sent a mass email to every single federal worker subject line what did you do last week in instructing them all to reply with approximately five bullets of what they accomplished last week he followed up by tweeting failure to respond will be taken
as a resignation now obviously the only proper email response to that is what did I do last week your mom your mom your mom your mom and your mom but please don't do that cuz you know musk is going to use AI to screen these responses so you'll want to include keywords like your mom synergistically your mom effectively your mom productively your mom efficiently and your mom comma teamwork good for mom so that email is insane and the time it went out was even more insane because it was Saturday at 4:46 p.m. but Elon made
sure folks would see it because the email was labeled importance High the sender even higher so why why on Earth did mus send such an aggressive email to millions of federal workers at a time when no one will see it well according to him a significant number of people who are supposed to be working for the government are doing so little work that they are not checking their email at all nope if people aren't checking their work email it doesn't mean they're not working it means they respect themselves enough not to go on Microsoft Outlook
you know their slogan Microsoft Outlook every button archives that thing you need federal workers federal workers who got this email had no idea what to do and their Trump Administration bosses didn't seem to know either new Director of National Intelligence telsey gabard told Personnel at spy agencies not to respond FBI director cash Patel told FBI staff to pause any responses and Health and Human Services secretary RFK Jr said in an email saying free road kill in the [Applause] breakroom that's nice you know on a Friday wow wow at the end of the day don't even
know what that means musk celebrated gutting the federal government last week at CPAC the National Conference of brother-in-law you don't talk to anymore a he's musk with a gift he received on stage this is the Chainsaw for bureaucracy turn [Music] [Applause] oh no be careful you might get hurt one of the dumbest parts of this dumb dumb thing was elon's dumb outfit apparently he was trying to recreate an AI generated meme of himself that went viral on Twitter there he is looking like a future istic assassin who can almost grow a beard musk made sure
everybody got the reference I am become meme yes I am become meme is of course a reference to The Haunting words of Jay Robert Oppenheimer who when he saw the mushroom cloud rising over the Trinity test site lamented irer all of this is great all of this is just wonderful but what Elon really wants us to know is that he's having a great time you know trying to get get good things done but also like you know have a good time doing it and uh you know and have like a sense of humor you know
so like like I mean the the the the sort of the the left wanted to make comedy illegal you know like you can't make fun of anything so there was like comedy sucks it's like nothing's funny you can't make fun of anything it's like legalize comedy yeah legalize comedy oh thank God cuz comedy's been illegal for years now in fact and I don't advertise this but just to do this show my writers have had to smuggle in their jokes prison style in a cake in a cake and the cake goes up the butt now for
some reason it's not easy oh boy not easy the frost in is murder now oh God for some reason federal employees are not laughing at elon's prop comedy layoffs according to to one who's been following the administration's Mass firings their only goal is to dismantle democracy by traumatizing federal workers good luck have you met a federal worker they're hard to traumatize these are people who still use fax machines they drink from a Mr Coffee that's been in constant use since the finale of mash and some are even pushing back in hilarious ways now now warning
before I show you this if you have kids get them in here to see how great this is this morning at the headquarters of Housing and irvan Development down in DC someone hacked the TV system throughout the building and played this AI video of trump slurping on elon's toes or or As Trump calls them 10piece foot nuggets one thing one funny thing one really great thing about the video in it Elon has two left feet which makes sense if you've ever seen him try to dance Trump continues to pack the government with sub qualified ass
kissers last week the Senate confirmed his pick for FBI director magga conspiracy theorist cash Patel seen here sporting his Charles Manson tribute eyes Patel has to round up zero experience running anything which is why even he couldn't believe he got the gig here he is after being sworn in a man this is effing crazy yeah yeah I agree it kind of is he's like a kid who wished on a zultar machine to be big and was immediately sworn in as FBI director Jeepers Creepers I get to run the FBI and I have hair down there
wow the deal is FBI director is a really big job but in a sense he can kind of be a figurehead the person who really runs the day-to-day operations of our nation's most powerful law enforcement traditionally is the FBI's deputy director Patel knows this and during his confirmation he assured Senators that his Deputy would be an actress special agent as has been the case for the last 117 years years well not only is comedy legal now but so is lying because last night the role of deputy director of the FBI went to right-wing podcaster and
henchman that Jason Bourne disarms with a shoehorn Dan bong gingo am I saying that correctly Bingo nope does anyone know how to say his name bing bing bing bing bing thank you thank you there you go bong gingo bing bing bong doesn't matter doesn't matter old Bing Bongo is all in on Trump's Cult of crazy just two weeks ago he podcasted his vision of a new Justice System how about Donald Trump in the East room of the White House sets up a courtroom like remember the Batman movie scarecrow has the courtroom what was it the
Bane one with the was that the dark night whatever wonderful Dan bonina can't be trusted with the FBI he can't even trusted with Rotten Tomatoes I I just saw the new Batman movie or Spider-Man movie which one has jar jar banks in it whatever pretty sure I was in a theater cuz I was eaten out of a bucket maybe it was KFC anyway five tomatoes we got a great show for you tonight my guests are Woody harelson and wend Pierce but when we come back I have a special guest and I tell you about the
world's greatest dog stick around [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] w [Applause]
