Patrice O'Neal | Patrice O’Neal Live! (Full Comedy Special)

[audience cheering] Oh, shit, thanks for comin', yes. Look, man, try your best to have a good time, try your best. I'm not sayin', "Have a good time," 'cause that's not necessarily what's gonna happen, but try your best, all right?

I'm not no asshole, but sometimes I mess up, man. And I try to love people, man, I swear to you. I'm a loving person, but sometimes things happen.

Look, man, I'm watchin' the worst floods, on TV, in the history of America, in North Carolina, and I'm watching the news, and they have rednecks on TV just, you know. . .

just, you know, drowning, you know, and they were being interviewed on the news, you know, like, "Goddamn it. . .

I lost everything. We tried to stack sandbags on top each other, but it didn't work, the water just overtook our efforts and I lost everything, my dog died. I didn't know what to do.

" And I swear, man, I'm not no asshole, I started cryin', you know. You know, I cried 'cause I couldn't give a fuck. I tried my best, I really did.

I'm like, "Aw, aw, aw, Jesus, mmm. " [audience laughing] Aw, man, I don't give a fuck. What's wrong with me?

It's painful, but let me tell you somethin', man. Here's the thing about why I said try and have a good time. Because when you get adult, all you can do is try to have a good time, you know what I'm sayin'?

Remember the good old days when you was a kid and you seen somebody with a funny-shaped head and you pointed right at their head, like it was nothin' in you to stop from pointin' at that funny head that made you, "Oh, Jesus, look at that funny-shaped head right there. " It wasn't that bullshit in you to stop, you know, like now, we're adults, you gotta, you still wanna point at a funny-shaped head, but now you, "I can't, I can't point at someone's funny head. " But your first feeling is your real feeling, you understand?

That other shit is you trying to trick God in some way into thinking you're a wonderful person, you know what I'm sayin'? But that first feeling of, "Look at that big funny head," that's the real, you know what I mean? Now I'm watching a talk show, they had the 1,000-pound man on, right?

He was 1,000 pounds, that was it. Now, I'm 300 pounds, so that means this dude was three of me and another dude with pneumonia, and he was just layin' there. That's what he was doin', that was his job, just to be on the show and just [grunts].

With his big 9X T-shirt he had on, and he was just [grunts], and people were in the audience cryin'. You know what I mean, they were just, "Oh, my God. " [audience laughing] "Oh, my God.

He's 1,000 pounds. What happened? " [audience laughing] Exactly, he ate.

He ate till he couldn't move no more. You don't catch 1,000 pounds. Nobody stick you with a dirty needle and give you 1,000 pounds, you eat.

Motherfucker, that is a half a ton. Now, I did my research, a half a ton is a baby killer whale, or a full grown sea lion is 1,000 pounds. You know what, we kill horses for less.

For a hurt ankle, we'll shoot a horse, but we let this dude grow till he's just useless. [audience laughing] Look, I got rules to my fatness, right? This is my rule, this is my thing.

If I eat. . .

and this is why I'm gonna kill myself, 'cause I'm takin' up too much of your air and too much of your space, if under my stomach, I start to grow an ass in the. . .

. . .

in the front, I'm gonna kill myself, 'cause I know that I'm not gonna lose and do what I have to do to lose the ass in the front. I'm havin' trouble gettin' rid of the real stomach. I'm not gonna exercise to remove a ass.

This dude, you're not supposed to be able to turn your drawers backwards 'cause it fits better. Your drawers fit better 'cause the ass is nicer. You see people like that, with a ass in the front.

All right, whatever, right? [audience laughing] But this dude, he had titties everywhere. - [audience laughing] - Am I lyin' to ya?

On his neck, on his shoulders, his elbows. I was gettin' horny watchin'. I was sittin there like, you know, you don't want to, but I'm like, "Damn, he's just full of, look at his tits.

" God is hilarious. He gave me a disease where I could die from all the stuff I like to eat. The doctor didn't go, "Mr O'Neal, if you ever eat Brussels sprouts and spinach again, you, you could die.

" "Oh, my God, no. " [audience laughing] All the shit I like, I can pass away from. A pack of cookies could kill me.

Now, I found out five years ago I was diabetic, so, you figure, I haven't eaten cookies in five years, but it's not the case. I'm walkin' through the supermarket, and I see some white chocolate-covered Oreos, and that's death, you understand? That's heroin and coke and everything for me, and you figure I'll walk right by it, like, "What the fuck is this?

This is. . .

this is. . .

I could die from this. Who put this display here? " But I'm not, I'm sittin' there, I'm shakin'.

Prayin' to God, I'm prayin' to God for the strength. I'm wastin' a good prayer not to eat cookies. I'm not prayin' that people in Africa get food.

I'm like, "Oh, God, please, please give me the strength not to eat these cookies. " And I'm lactose intolerant, but if I eat these cookies, I gotta have some milk. [audience laughing] I got to.

But I don't wanna die, but you gotta tell yourself somethin' to make you feel better, like, "You know what, fuck it, I don't need both my feet. " [audience laughing] One day I'ma lose weight. It's harder when you get older.

When you get older, it's hard to lose weight, man, 'cause, you know, now I have to lose weight to stay alive, you know? And that's not enough motivation for me. [audience laughing] "Look, you gotta lose weight or you're gonna die.

" Well, shit, really? Oh, man. When I was younger, it was easier, 'cause the motivation was different, pussy.

[audience laughing] When you tryin' to drop a few to get some pussy, you did everything you could. You was Rocky when you was tryin' to get some pussy. 'Cause when you're younger, man, the whole thing, and I say, you know, look, no offense, I say pussy, right, 'cause when you were younger, in high school, you wasn't trying to get, you know, vagina.

[audience laughing] You was tryin' to get some pussy. "I gotta get some pussy. " So you're tryin' your best to just, you know.

So I tried everything, man, you know. Everything in the world. And I used to look at guys, role models, dudes were my role model who got girls, they were good at it, meaning they got girls and it wasn't even a effort.

You know? Like if your name is Tony, girls could not, this is the sign when you're one of those dudes, girls can't just go, "Hello. " They gotta sing your name, they have to.

You know, "Hi, Tony. Hi. " You know, and I'm sittin' there like, "Damn.

" This dude Tony in high school, he'd get dates, he would get a date, I swear to you, I used to watch him like a hawk. He would smack a girl in the back of the neck. Bap, and she'd be like, "Ouch, motherfucker," and look back and be like, "Tony, why you.

. . " [audience laughing] "Why you hittin' me in the back of the neck?

" [audience laughing] "You wanna go to the movies? " [audience laughing] "Yeah, when? " "When you get paid?

" [audience laughing] And I used to be in the back watchin' him, lookin'. You know, "Yeah. Yeah, that's it, that's how you do it, that's how you get girls, smack 'em in the back of the fuckin' neck.

[audience laughing] What was I thinkin'? " 'Cause I used to do all type of shit. I was poetry man, I used to write poetry to get girls, you know, and pictures, the pictures, too.

Like if I, you know, if I wrote, "I cherish you," I would draw her a chair plus "ish. " An eyeball, I'd draw an eyeball and a chair. "Aww, it's so cute, aw, look at that.

[mimics paper tearing] That's wonderful. " But this new shit, I'm like, "Yeah, hit girls in the back of the neck. " But whatever he did, that wasn't my shit, you know?

It didn't go, like, you ever watch the original "Frankenstein"? And the little girl, he was playin' this little girl, and the little girl had a flower and she threw it in the water and it floated, and Frankenstein just was like [groans]. And he took her and threw her in the water, but she sunk, and he's just like [groans].

He's gettin' burned and shit with torches. That's me hittin' girls in the back of the neck. I was anxious, just [groans].

I always find a way to hit her in the part of the neck that makes her fall in a coma and smash her face open. Everybody's like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? " [audience laughing] I'm like [groans].

[Patrice laughs] Shit. Women bring all type of stress to a motherfucker, right? Y'all, come on, stop, stop, damn.

Women don't wanna be sex objects. Reconsider from time to time, reconsider, 'cause it helps us, it helps guys. It helps us out of this violent streak we got.

Guys, they just get violent. Anytime I'm gettin' violent, I see a woman with a nice ass, that shit calms me down, and it brings men together, because a nice ass, it's some kind of thing that men have with a nice ass, you can't enjoy a nice ass by yourself. If you see a nice ass alone, it's the weird.

. . it's no good.

You can't, you need somebody else. You're lookin', but you start lookin' for somebody else. [audience laughing] And I've been all over the world, man.

White guys have a signal for "nice ass," and it doesn't even involve verbal contact. It's just like, you don't wanna talk to me, but you wanna enjoy a woman's ass with me, so you're just very careful. This is the universal white guy signal for "nice ass.

" Woman walks by. . .

[audience laughing] Don't confuse that with "nice titties. " "Nice titties" is. .

. [audience laughing] I turn into a ventriloquist when I see a nice ass. I'm like, "Goddamn!

[audience laughing] Look at that ass over there. Oh, shit. " Y'all can help us, ladies, I'm serious.

When we got that violent streak shit, it's the strangest thing. You ever get violent for nothin', for no reason? Isn't that the weirdest feeling?

You ever stand next to somebody at the bus stop or somethin', some dude you don't know. You look at him, you go, "Hey, man, how you doin'? " He look back, "Hey, good, good.

" Then you look back again and your brain's like, "Hey, hey, you know what, it'd be a good time for you to punch him in the side of the fuckin' head. " [audience laughing] And you're like, "What," to yourself, "What the fuck you talkin' about? " And you only wanna punch him 'cause he's standin' there not ready to get punched, so you're just like, "Aw, man, you gotta punch him in his head.

This dude, he's disrespectin' you, man. You know what, this dude ain't paranoid enough, you gotta punch him in the side of his head to let him know that there's people out there that'll punch him in his head. He not even usin' his peripheral.

You know what, he ain't even scared of you. You should punch him and let him know, you better be scared of me, motherfucker. You don't just stand there and not pay attention to the fact that I wanna punch you in the side of your head.

" You gotta be paranoid of people out there, man. You gotta look, look just like this. Don't let people guilt you into death.

I see Arabs on the train, I watch 'em, you understand me? If they got bags and shit and they get up and walk away, I be like, "Hey, hey, you left your bag, man, you left your bag, sir, you left your bag. " [audience laughing] "W-What do you mean I left?

" "You left your fuckin' bag. " "It's garbage. " "No, get your bag.

" "Why? " "'Cause it might be a bomb. I don't trust you!

" I'm watchin' you. White guys are good for that shit. Y'all are good for that guilty shit.

That's your punishment for racism, guilt. White guys are so afraid to be a racist. I'm tellin' you, you see a few Black guys walkin' toward you in an area you don't belong in, run.

[audience laughing] But you can't run. You see Black guys comin', "All right, all right, I don't wanna assume that these young men are gonna beat me in my face. I don't want anybody accusin' me of racism.

" So they gotta wait to get beat up first before they can even think about runnin'. My advice, run, get home, feel guilty, but be alive. Alive and guilty's a good thing, 'cause if I see five bald white dudes walkin' towards me, I ain't gonna wonder if they got cancer.

I'ma go. . .

[audience laughing] I'ma go, "Those look like skinheads, I'm getting the fuck outta here. " And I'm not gonna come back. Even if they pretend they got cancer, "Oh, dude, oh, no, don't run, dude, we got cancer.

We was all comin' from chemotherapy classes over here and they just thought we was strong enough to," you know. I'm still, I'm not gonna, no. 'Cause that could be the old cancer hang a nigga trick.

I go back. . .

I go back, "Hey, you guys all right? " "Get him! " "Oh!

I fell for the cancer hang a nigga trick, how the fuck did I? " I get paranoid delusions all the time about going to prison for shit I didn't do, you know? Like white women make me very nervous, and not now, 'cause there's witnesses, but I'm talking about at night.

White woman's walking toward me, and she can be nervous, you know, "Oh, Jesus. " You know, gettin' that fantasy goin'. "Big Black guy, hope he doesn't.

. . hope he doesn't grab me.

" And I'm thinkin' the same thing like, "Oh, Jesus, I hope nobody kills this white lady, 'cause I'm gonna get blamed for the shit. " [audience laughing] I keep my receipts. I collect receipts 'cause it's a trail of where I've been during the day, during the week.

It's a time, it's a date, it's a place of where I've been, and I don't go more than a half-hour without buyin' some shit, ever. 'Cause you can kill somebody and then make it back to where you gotta be in a half-hour. So every 15 minutes, I buy somethin'.

A candy bar, whatever. "Hey, can I get a candy bar? Hey, thanks, can I get the receipt?

" "A receipt for a candy bar, why? " "I need my receipt, man. " "I don't have receipt for candy.

" "Man, look, I need my receipt. " "No receipt. " "Give me my.

. . give me my receipt!

" "I don't have receipt! " And then I don't really need it, 'cause now we're arguin' and he remembers me. So I'm like.

. . I'm like, "Fuck you!

" "Fuck you, too! " "What time is it? " "5:15!

" "Aight, aight, good. " [audience laughing] "Aight, I gotta go. Remember my face, asshole.

" "I will! " "Yeah, that's right, remember this fuckin' face. That's right, that's right, remember this.

Take a look, that's right. " That's why I don't litter. I don't throw garbage in the street, ever, and not because I care about the earth, but I'm afraid I'm gonna be walking through the park drinkin' a soda, when I'm done, throw that shit away.

It'll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman's head with my fingerprints on the fuckin' can. [audience laughing] Now I'm the Pepsi Cola Rapist 'cause I'm fuckin' lazy. That's just my luck, land right on the head, look like evidence, it just sits there.

"The chances of that can landing right there are 85 million to one, you are. . .

" "Oh, come the fuck on, man! " That's why it's good to have a girlfriend, man. It's good.

You see that shit go up my nose? You know, women are the best, man. My girl, we at this point now, though.

. . I love my girl, but we at this point, it's like, we been together a long time, we're not married, and we went from early 20s together to 30s, and it's good for me, but for her, now she's panicking 'cause we don't have kids and she's like.

. . [mocking stammering] "I gotta have a baby.

I don't have any eggs left. All my eggs are. .

. They're no good. You gotta hurry up.

" And I gotta listen to her panic, and I don't know what to do, you know? Because I, you know. .

. My sperm still comes out, you know, I still ejaculate, but it don't come out like when I was 18. I felt the difference from now to when I was 18, that shit, phew, it came out with purpose and anger.

Like. . .

[imitates gunfire]. You know, my fuckin' sperm was like, you know, "Where the motherfuckin' egg at? [audience laughing] Where's the egg?

I'm tryin' to get somebody pregnant! " And her egg was young and didn't want to be pregnant. You know, a little scared, "Oh my, oh my God.

" Hidin' in the uterus, tellin' all the lesbian eggs, "Tell him. . .

tell him I'm not here. " "She's not here. Why don't you.

. . Why don't you just leave her alone, and why don't you just leave?

Stop stalking her, man. " "Get the fuck out the way, dyke. I'm tryin' to get somebody pregnant!

" [audience laughing] I mean, now it still come out, but I know the shit ain't like it used to be, you know? 'Cause you see me, I ain't moved a muscle. You know, now that shit comes out like.

. . [groaning] "Uh, Load 227, please report to the tip of the dick.

Load 227, please report to the tip of the dick for. . .

[audience laughing] . . .

for attempted pregnancy, thank you. " Now my sperm's like, "Hi! Hey, anybody around?

" And her egg is angry, knittin' a sweater. [audience laughing] "In here, faggot. " [audience laughing] [Patrice laughs] I think I masturbated all my real good sperm away anyway.

[audience laughing] You know, all I got left, really, is some fuckin' bank tellers and a couple of security guards left in my sperm. All the real good citizens have jerked off, man. I've been jerkin' off in the shower, so I'm surprised a baby hasn't crawled out the drain yet.

You ever try to watch porn with your girl? Ever watch porn, never? I just introduced.

. . we introduced porn, you know, to our relationship.

I watch hers, she watches mine, you know, the porn that turns her on, and, you know, it was interesting, you know. Some woman's dove flew out the window and. .

. . .

. and the woman's like, "Oh my God, my favorite dove. " And then there was a knock on the door, you know, some dude, you know, "Is this your dove?

I found your dove, it was flying around and it came to me. " "Oh my God, that means, my dove came right to you, your aura's so. .

. oh, come in. Please, please, come into my dove room, and let it go.

" And it's all doves and shit flyin' in the room and there's no dove shit, you know. It's a beautiful dove room, and there's a lot of slow-motion shots, and there's a lot of wind. And I'm like, "Wow, if you like.

. . wow, that turns you on, you're gonna love mine.

" [audience laughing] Whatever, right? I put in my favorite tape,<i> People Fuckin'. .

. </i> [audience laughing] <i> . .

. Volume One,</i> and I put it in, "Hey, huh? " And she's just like, "Ugh, what the.

. . Do you know these people?

" And I'm like, "Oh, shit. " And she's like, "I gotta go. " And I felt bad until we ended up having sex later on that night.

We ended up doing everything on the tape, stuff we never did before, and I don't discourage her when she does new stuff, you know what I mean? She likes her nipples pinched really hard, you know. And she goes to reach for mine, and, you know, I got, you know.

[audience laughing] 'Cause you don't wanna be no punk during sex pain, you wanna take it, but you go, "Ooh, fuck no, don't do that. " [audience laughing] But this one was so violent, I couldn't even. .

. I couldn't let her do it no more. She just started, boom, flickin' my nuts.

Boom, boom. Ow! And I was tryin' to take it, but I couldn't.

I'm tryin to reach for stuff. "Ah, shit, all right, stop, stop! " And it was my fault, right, 'cause she saw the dude on the porno tape gettin' his nuts flicked, and he.

. . you know, he enjoyed it, 'cause he had professional porno nuts.

He, you know. . .

he, boom! [laughs] Bow! [laughs] "Go ahead, punch 'em.

" [audience laughing] The best thing I ever seen on a porno tape in my life. This is the very. .

. this is, I swear to you, the best thing, nothing can beat it. This dude is havin' sex with this girl, and he looks at her and goes, "Hey, hey, hey, start countin' down from 30.

" And she's like. . .

[moans] "30, 29, 28. " She starts messin' up numbers. "42, I'm sorry, I forgot.

" And he just goes like this, "Hey, that's okay, just start all over. " Now I'm like, "What is he doin'? " I'm just sittin' there watchin'.

It's not even a porn no more, it's a real movie. It's a mystery thriller now. I'm like this.

[audience laughing] And she starts goin', "15, 14, 13, oh, God. " It took her an hour and a half, she finally gets to, "One! " When she gets to one, he pulls out and comes right on cue.

I gave him a standing ovation. I was like, "Oh my God, oh my God, did anybody see that? That's dick control, that's power!

" You look at your girl and go, "Hey, hey, pick a number. " And she goes, "Why? " "Cause that's when I'm gonna come.

" "1,000. " And if you can go, "999. " I tried it with my girl like the next day after I saw it.

I'm just like, "Yeah, baby, start countin' down, woo, from three, hurry up, hurry up, two, fuck! [audience laughing] That was magic wasn't it? " Hey, look, I gotta go, man.

Y'all take care, man, thank you. Thank you, thank you. [audience cheering] Thanks a lot, man, thank you.

[audience cheering] Look, wipe your hand off. [audience laughing] I don't want no evidence. Look, thanks again, man, y'all take care.

Thank you very much, thank you.