A Human Engineer Was Left to Die on an Alien Station—Instead, He Rebuilt It Better Than Ever | HFY

Marcus Chen stood at the viewport of outpost Delta 9 watching the last galaxian shuttle disappear into the inky void of space he took a long sip from his coffee mug which proudly declared universe's okayest engineer in fading letters and tried to process what had just happened Dave he called out to the station's AI would you mind explaining to me again why our esteemed kalaxian colleagues just performed the fastest evacuation I've seen since my college roommate discovered weak old takeout in his bed the ai's monotonous voice echoed through the empty control room according to chief engineer kazak the station is experiencing critical system failures in approximately 82. 7% of all primary and secondary systems Marcus snorted right and I'm the queen of Mars he walked over to the main control panel his magnetic boots clicking against the metal floor Runner real diagnostic for me would you and please for the love of caffeine use human engineering parameters this time processing Dave replied would you like me to use the standard parameters or what you call the actually make sense settings look who's developing a sense of humor Marcus muttered setting down his coffee mug on a Surface specifically not designed for human beverages the latter please 3 minutes and 27 seconds later Marcus counted as he had nothing better to do while potentially dying in space Dave returned with results that made him laugh so hard he almost choked on his coffee station integrity at 94. 3% minor fluctuations in the thermal regulation system slight variance in artificial gravity in section C7 cafeteria food synthesizer still producing everything with a slight Taste of pickled socks Marcus wiped tears from his eyes so what you're telling me is that our dear calaan friends evacuated a perfectly functional station because their overly complicated systems showed some readings they didn't like affirmative although they did leave behind a rather extensive report detailing why this station is doomed and why they had no choice but to abandon it would you like me to read it let me guess it's written in triplicate contains at least 57 references to their engineering regulations and probably blames human integration protocols for everything 73 references actually and they specifically mentioned your habit of fixing things that aren't broken as a contributing factor to the station's imminent Doom Marcus walked over to the environmental controls which the kalaxian had insisted on making so complex that it took three degrees and a certification in quantum mechanics just to adjust the temperature you mean like that time I reduced their 20-step process for cleaning the air filters down to three steps and they filed a formal complaint because it was suspiciously efficient that would be mentioned on page 47 paragraph 6 subsection gamma of their report yes running his hands through his already messy black hair Marcus took a moment to consider his situation he was effectively stranded on a space station that the cians had deemed unsalvageable with only a surprisingly sassy AI for company and enough coffee to last about 3 months if he rationed carefully well Dave looks like it's just you and me now want to help me turn this over complicated mess into something that actually makes sense I suppose I have no choice in the matter Dave replied managing to sound both resigned and amused though I should warn you that tampering with kalaxian engineering is a violation of at least 36 different regulations Marcus grinned already rolling up his sleeves only 36 they must be slipping he pulled up the station schematics on the main display let's start with that thermal regulation system I've been wanting to fix that unnecessary cooling Loop in section D ever since they insisted on installing it shall I prepare the standard incident report forms for when this inevitably goes wrong no Dave Marcus said reaching for his toolkit prepare the incident report forms for when this inevitably goes right and they can't handle how simple and effective it is and with that Marcus Chen the last human engineer on outpost Delta 9 began what would become either the greatest achievement of his career or the most spectacular failure in human alien engineering history probably both if he was being honest with himself at least had coffee for now 3 days into his unplanned solo mission to prove alien engineering wrong Marcus was elbow deep in what the cians called an atmospheric harmonization Matrix but what he'd mentally renamed the most ridiculous air filter ever created Dave please explain to me why they needed 17 different processing Chambers to do what Earth ships accomplish with three Marcus asked carefully disconnecting yet another redundant power coupl according to the kalaxian engineering handbook section 47 2.

3 the multiple Chambers ensure optimal air Purity through sequential refinement processes that that was rhetorical buddy Marcus wiped sweat from his forehead leaving a streak of Grease also I'm pretty sure they just liked the Pretty Lights it made when air moved through all those unnecessary Crystal Chambers the crystalline resonance Chambers are a crucial part of their filtration philosophy Dave noted somehow managing to sound both defensive and skeptical their filtration philosophy needs therapy Marcus pulled out another Crystal adding it to the growing pile of fancy but useless components beside him watch this oxygen levels are going to improve by at least 15% once I'm done simplifying this monstrosity I feel compelled to remind you that removing authorized components violates let me guess another 36 regular ations 42 this time the crystals are considered sacred technology Marcus paused his work to take a swig from his thermos sacred technology that's actually just pretty quartz with some bioluminescent algae trapped inside I analyzed them yesterday the cians would be horrified to learn their sacred crystals are as you put it in your notes fancy lava lamps doing absolutely nothing but vibing the galaxians aren't here Dave they left us to die in their perfectly functional station because their over complicated systems scared them with bad readings Marcus reconnected the main power supply to his streamlined version of the air system now let's see if human engineering can turn their 17-step dance into a simple Waltz the system hummed to life significantly quieter than before the various displays that usually flickered with hundreds of unnecessary readings now showed simple clear metrics oxygen levels stabilizing Dave reported air quality improving temperature regulation operating at 99. 8% efficiency a pause I don't understand you removed 82% of the components I removed 82% of the complications Marcus corrected closing the access panel with a satisfied Pat sometimes less is more especi when Moore is just there to make pretty lights and satisfy someone's bureaucratic checklist over the next few days Marcus continued his one-man Crusade against over complicated engineering the water recycling system which had previously required three different AI sub routines just to flush a toilet was simplified down to a system that would make any Earth plumber proud the waste management system which the kalaxian had somehow tied into the station's Quantum positioning array why Marcus had asked repeatedly while fixing that particular mess now operated independently as it should I have to admit Dave said one evening as Marcus enjoyed his dinner of synthesized pasta which still tasted vaguely of pickled socks the station is operating 43% more efficiently than under kalaxian protocols and using how much less power 67. 3% less power consumption across all system Marcus twirled his pasta with a flourish which means which means we now have enough Surplus power to run that coffee maker you've been trying to modify for the past week Dave conceded see priorities Marcus grinned though I still need to figure out how to make it stop producing coffee that tastes like it was filtered through an alien's idea of what coffee should taste like his next project revealed itself that very night when the gravity in section C7 decided to take a vacation Marcus found himself floating among his tools watching his precious coffee drift by in perfectly spherical droplets well he said catching his thermos before it could Splash its contents across the ceiling I guess we know what we're fixing tomorrow shall I prepare the incident report forms Dave asked with what Marcus swore was anticipation in its synthetic voice no need Dave but do me a favor and pull up the caxi and specs for their gravity generation system I have a feeling it's going to be another Masterpiece of over complication already done would you like me to highlight the 17 redundant safety protocols they installed after your last Improvement to the system marker settled back in his floating position a blueprint of unnecessary complexity hovering before him in holographic Glory you know what Dave I think you and I are really starting to understand each other indeed the AI replied though I feel compelled to point out that understanding each other violates at least 12 kalaxian protocols about AI human interactions only 12 we're definitely not trying hard enough and with that Marcus began planning his next great simplification blissfully unaware that his reputation was about to spread far beyond the lonely walls of outpost Delta 9 after all in the vast expanse of space news of a station that actually worked properly was bound to attract attention eventually Marcus was wrestling with the gravity plating in section C7 when Dave interrupted his string of creative curses with an unexpected announcement Marcus I'm detecting an approaching vessel Vilan trading ship designation lucky profit they're broadcasting a distress signal wiping his hands on his already grease stained jumpsuit Marcus frowned villion those are the ones with the crystalline exoskeletons and really bad poker faces right correct though I believe the proper term for their outer layer is bioluminescent dermal plating they're requesting emergency docking clearance their primary drive system is malfunctioning Marcus glanced around at his half finished gravity repair well this should be interesting they're probably expecting a fully staffed Caan station not one slightly caffeinated human with a toolbox and a sarcastic AI should I inform them of the station's current administrative situation no let's make it a surprise everyone loves surprises right authorize their docking request at least our docking systems are working better than ever since I removed those ridiculous automated alignment crystals 20 minutes later mark stood at the airlock watching as three Vilan traders made their way aboard their crystalline bodies caught the station's lights creating rainbow refractions across the walls the lead Traer whose plating had a distinctly bluish tinge stopped short upon seeing Marcus you are human the Vilan stated manages to sound both surprised and suspicious last time I checked yeah Marcus gave them his best totally professional smile Marcus chen station engineer and current sole occupant of outpost Delta 9 heard you folks were having Drve problems the three villians exchanged glances their plating flickering with what Marcus recognized as confusion the blue one spoke again where are the cians oh them they evacuated about 2 weeks ago something about critical system failures and imminent Doom you know how dramatic they can get about their engineering yet you remained the second Vilan sporting a greenish tint stepped forward someone had to stay and fix their over complicated mess speaking of fixing things want to tell me what's wrong with your drive the blue Vilan plating flickered with hesitation our Quantum field harmonizer has destabilized the cians installed it last s but it's never functioned quite right Marcus couldn't help but grin let me guess lots of Pretty Lights unnecessarily complex control systems and a maintenance manual thicker than my arm all three vilians lit up with what he recognized as agreement perfect that's exactly the kind of over complicated nonsense I've been fixing around here Dave want to help our guests run a diagnostic while I grabb my toolkit of course Dave replied through the station speakers causing the vilians to flicker in Surprise though I should note that offering unauthorized assistance with non-standard repairs violates let me guess another 40 regulations 57 this time the quantum field harmonizer is considered especially sacred technology the green Vilan plating rippled with What Might Have Been Amusement you've modified the station's AI protocols modified is such a strong word Marcus said already heading for his Workshop I prefer to think of it as giving Dave the freedom to be himself come on let's take a look at that drive system 4 hours later Marcus emerged from the Vilan engine room covered in various fluids but wearing a satisfied smile behind him the quantum field harmonizer hummed with a smooth steady tone it had never managed under kalaxian specifications I still don't understand the blue vilon who had introduced himself as trading Captain zix said you removed nearly half the components half the unnecessary components Marcus corrected wiping his hands turns out you don't need three separate field alignment matrices when one properly calibrated one does the job better who knew right our Drve efficiency has increased by 34% the Third villion a navigator with Amber plating reported with obvious amazement just wait until you see your power consumption readings Marcus grinned Dave want to share the good news the villian vessel lucky profit is now operating at a 147% of its previous efficiency rating while consuming 52% less power Dave announced I've taken the liberty of documenting all modifications for their records minus the 17 pages of unnecessary regulatory appendices Captain zix's crystalline form shimmered with what Marcus had Learned was their equivalent of shocked laughter this is unprecedented the cians assured us their design was optimal yeah they say that a lot Marcus Shrugged sometimes The Simple Solution is the best solution though fair warning they might not be too happy when they find out I stripped out all their sacred technology and replaced it with something that actually works they will not hear it from us the green Vilan promised their plating glowing with sincerity but others will there are many trading vessels in this sector struggling with similar calaan modifications well Marcus said suddenly realizing what he might have started my Docking Bay is always open as long as you don't mind dealing with a human engineer and his slightly rebellious AI as the villian Traders prepared to depart captain zix turned to Marcus one last time we will spread word of this station there are many who would prefer engineering that functions over engineering that merely looks impressive just try not to make it sound too dramatic Marcus called after them I don't want everyone thinking I'm running some kind of Miracle Workshop out here too late Dave commented as they watched the lucky profit depart its Drve humming more smoothly than ever I'm already detecting increased Communications chatter about the human miracle worker at Outpost Delta 9 Marcus groaned great just what I needed a reputation how many regulations does that violate I've lost count Dave replied cheerfully though I suggest we stock up on coffee something tells me we're about to get much busier looking at the departing trading ship Marcus couldn't help but smile you know what Dave I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful revolution in engineering and a massive headache for kalaxian bureaucrats everywhere that's just a bonus 3 months after the villian Traders visit Outpost Delta 9 had become something the cians would never have imagined possible efficient Dave what's our visit account this week Marcus asked calibrating what had once been a needlessly complex food synthesiz ER into something that could finally produce coffee that didn't taste like it had been filtered through an alien's understanding of Earth beverages we have 17 vessels currently docked representing 12 different species Dave reported and there's a waiting list of 23 more ships requesting maintenance stops also the zenian in Bay 4 are still insisting on paying you in rare crystalline formations tell them credits work just fine I'm running out of places to store shiny rocks Marcus stepped back to admire his work all right coffee test number 47 give it a try a mechanical arm extended from the wall grabbed a cup and initiated the Brewing sequence the resulting liquid was actually Brown this time which Marcus counted as progress you know Dave mused as Marcus took a cautious sip when you started converting storage Bay 2 into what you called a proper coffee shop I calculated a 92% probability of failure Marcus grinned over his cup of finally finely decent coffee and now the spite in sprockets Cafe has become the most popular Gathering Spot on the station though I still question your choice of name hey it was either that or sacred technology coffee house and I didn't want to push my luck the cafe had indeed become the heart of the transformed station what started as Marcus's personal quest for decent coffee had evolved into a space where beings from across the Galaxy could gather exchange stories and most importantly discuss how their calaan engineered systems could be simplified speaking of pushing luck Dave interrupted His Thoughts The androman Merchant in bay7 wants to know if you can look at their navigation system apparently the cians installed a mandatory upgrade that requires three different AIS just to plot a simple course only three they're slipping Marcus finished his coffee tell them I'll be there after I finish installing the human style redundancy systems in section F and remind them that if they try to pay in sacred crystals I'm sending them to the back of the waiting list the station had evolved far beyond its original purpose what was once a quiet Outpost had become a bustling Hub of activity with ships from all corners of the Galaxy seeking out the human engineer who could make their over complicated systems actually work Marcus had even started teaching it began with a curious Centurian engineer who wanted to understand how he'd simplified their propulsion system now twice a week he held what he jokingly called unnecessary complexity Anonymous meetings in the cafe today's lesson he announced to a group of alien Engineers each clutching their equivalent of a coffee cup is about the beauty of bypass circuits or as I like to call it why you don't need quantum entanglement to flush a toilet the station's transformation wasn't just functional it was cultural species that had traditionally avoided each other found common ground in their shared frustration with over complicated technology the cafe became a neutral ground where ancient Rivals could sit together and complain about galaxian engineering practices Marcus Dave called out one evening as he was finishing up his maintenance rounds I've been analyzing the station's current operational status compared to its original specifications hit me with it buddy power efficiency is up 32% life support systems are operating at 98.