The harsh reality of living in Germany (#1)

[Music] Germany is definitely not for everyone I love living here but there are a few things that you should know before moving here one of the loudest complaints of foreigners when moving to Germany is that the Germans are rude they are in Sinner unwelcoming and hostile finding and making friends here is an impossibility small talk is uncomfortable and communication in general is direct blunt and not enjoyable but is this really true and if so what is to be done about it well yes and no there is an element of truth to this but it's not

as black and white as you think the topic of cultural communication and relationships is an important one most studies seem to show that we in the west are getting lonelier more fragmented and just less connected than ever before and so this is something you should really think long and hard about before deciding to make a move and come to Germany so I should preface this video with the fact that I am British I have lived here now for over a decade and I feel very much at home in Germany but this wasn't always the case

I had to learn to like it here to find my place to fit in and if you want to move here to you will have to make adjustments just go on to any online Forum or read opinion polls on on this topic and you will understand what I'm talking about in fact when I have brought up this topic in the past I get many comments from Germans themselves uh telling me that it's not actually a problem for foreigners Germans themselves also struggle to make friends here Germans don't do casual friendships it's like there's this invisible

barrier and I'm going to get on to a different perspective in just a minute but before I do I have to give you the perspective from the anglosphere now there is of course a degree of variation Germany is a big country and depending on where you end up living this might be more or less true or accurate for you but in general it is fair to say that people don't generally smile at strangers on the street here people are serious they may look at you but the stairs are rarely they really come across as a

warm small talk is a challenge and just sort of General friendliness with strangers is not the norm and this can feel cold and Loof even when you do manage to break the I it is true that communication here is very blunt you know there's just a different way of communicating with people especially in a work context it is very normal to be told that you are doing it wrong that you have a problem with your thinking that you are inexperienced you don't know what you're doing and that you should let someone else show you how

to do it right now I don't want to over jamize here because my current position is is not like this at the moment but I have had a lot of experience in the German Workforce with finger pointing and scapegoating people certainly don't hold back when it comes to telling you that you're doing something wrong they'll say exactly what they think and this can be brutally honest they don't hold back and the funny thing is about this that when you push back suddenly they're the ones that don't like it like it's like they can give it

but they can't take it and in my experience people here do not appreciate like critical feedback they don't want to hear that but they want to dish it out now I've talked about this in the past and in many ways now I think I actually prefer this more direct blunt style of communication than the beating around the bush that is you know very common in the UK but I'll be honest at the beginning there were many situations where I would walk away from a conversation feeling bruised and attacked and feeling like i' done something wrong

without knowing what it was it was really isolating now add to that the current tension that is building here I'm talking about the general atmosphere Germany's had a rough few political years and it shows it's not everywhere but in some of the major cities you know you see it in the headlines you feel it on the streets there's a weight to things here people seem on edge it's not obvious it's not always there but it's kind of somehow in the background and occasionally bubbles up and when you're feeling isolated already the just adds another layer

of weight if you're someone who is prone to introspection and self-criticism it can often really feel like you are constantly doing things wrong like you are not worthy like there's something wrong with you and that you don't belong Germany has tested my resilience many times and it's just one of those situations where you you know you sink or swim you adapt or you end up leaving [Music] but before we get too depressed I would like to offer a different perspective and this is what I find so fascinating about culture and communication because all of these

things all of these things that I found rude and offensive and isolating that kind of communication those very traits is what bonds people together here honest concise direct communication is what is valued in Germany niceties and being polite and beating around the bush is actually considered rude and it is also a reason for distrust it feels like you are holding something back like you have something to hide and so people will not let you in if they feel that the first shift that took place for me was getting a proper grasp of the language slowly

as I started to pick up things here and there my perspective began to shift the most important step in integrating when moving to a new country is to learn the language like this will not only make your life easier and more enjoyable it will actually open up a window to A New Perspective a new world viw a new way of thinking and this is something that your upbringing and your conditioning and your education up until this point cannot give [Music] you now I'm not going to pretend that it happened overnight because it didn't it was

a very slow process you know one moment at a time like the first time I had a proper conversation with someone here it wasn't like just the hello how are you it was like we really connected on a deep level and had a proper conversation it may me realized that yes jams are not quick to make friends but you know once they do it's different they just don't really do surface level friendships here are like a Roots they run deep and they last a lot of people still hang out with their friends from school you

know there's there's so much shared history this is another reason why it's actually very difficult to penetrate these circles and I think that's what people mean when they say the Germans are insa and unwelcoming and they're not doing it intentionally it's just that they already have um quite you know deep set longlasting friendships and they're not open to just sort of some you know exper who's going to be here for one year they don't see the value in investing in that person and so they won't really make an effort effort to connect Germans tend to

say exactly what they mean without wrapping their statements in layers of diplomacy or euphemism and I might surprise you to know that this is actually valued here directness in German culture is not seen as a lack of Civility but a direct reflection of cultural values such as honesty efficiency and just respect for other people's time Germans often view small talk and politeness as insincere and inefficient and just generally a waste of time and this is really very strongly ingrained in the culture and you're not going to be able to change this there's no way you're

going to be able to change culture that has roots said hundreds of years ago and so it's very important to understand what this is coming from so that you can adapt and fit in it's not going to happen the other way around now if you want to actually go a level deeper and work out why this is German cultural norms are heavily influenced by Enlightenment ideals thinkers like Emanuel K championed reason moral duty and Truth as virtues to be upheld and the general idea behind this is that it is preferable to State the truth even

when inconvenient even when this will make you unpopular and you know disagreeable and not very likable then you have influences like the bureaucratic systems of Prussian State and the Industrial Revolution this led to Germany prioritizing uh efficiency and productivity you know not just in work and economic output but also in communication uh verbal and non-verbal so what we in the UK and I would say in general the Anglo spere view as you know polite well-mannered communication is actually seen as a rude untrustworthy and inefficient in Germany clear and concise communication was not only a social

Norm but actually a practical necessity in maintaining order and for those who say that was a long time ago it doesn't really have any relevance today in modern society um well maybe but I think you know the Protestant Revolution which was spearheaded by Martin Luther still has a huge amount of influence in today's society Lutheran theology emphasized individual responsibility moral uprightness and simplicity the these principles align with a broader cultural tendency towards straightforwardness and open and honest communication as opposed to the flowery sort of performative politeness found in the UK Germany's experiences during and also

after the second world war also contributed to this culture of direct bluntness the devastation of the walls really forc the population to confront harsh realities and rebuild under really challenging circumstances and unlike many other countries Germans were really forced to face the horrors of War directly and you know really process through what had happened as a society the rebuilding of Germany after World War II again uh focused really on efficiency on practicality on utility on getting things done and not just you know through action but also through communication through being very direct open and honest

about what you wanted and how that was meant to be achieved if you're from the UK or North America you might think that Germany is culturally pretty similar and you won't need much time to adjust and yeah there are certain aspects which are quite similar but the longer I spend here the more the differences become apparent I didn't realize it at first but those blunt direct conversations that's actually a sign of trust like that's them letting you in uh showing you their true selves without any kind of performative facade baked over the top of who

they really are and once I understood this it became much easier to navigate social relationships here it's still not always easy but there are certain uh cultural traits or tendencies that I can just ignore without feeling personally attacked or offended the important thing is is that you know where you stand which is not necessarily the case in the UK now this is a bit too big for the scope of this video but much of the social norms in the UK are still heavily influenced by the victorians from the 19th century you know this sort of

stiff upper lip this keep calm and carry on this emotionless uh sort of strong man in the face of adversity uh this is has been and still is associated with resilience and strength and while it might have been a very useful and apt response to times of war and imperi IC expansion uh it does seem now a little bit like a culture of emotional repression uh with only one Outlet which is generally humor and that in the form of self-deprecating [Music] sarcasm it might seem a little bit weird for me you know a bloke in

my almost 40s talking about loneliness and relationships um however it is really alarmingly normal for men in their 30s and 40s and 50s and Beyond to have literally no friends or very few social contacts I think most people would probably prefer the everyone gets along long easygoing attitude that the anglosphere is known for but that has its challenges as well you know I think it is only once you spend a bit of time outside the UK that you realize just how repressive the culture is and I'm not bashing the UK here I do understand that

repression also can create beautiful things like amazing music and Comedians and humor and art and culture um but in terms of relationships it is not always uh the best to paper everything over with polite niceties looking back I realize how much living here has changed me I'm more patient I'm more open to taking things slow and this could also be because I'm getting older but I found myself really finding very little value in possessions and stuff and things and spending a lot more time and investing more of my uh energy into relationships and experiences now

that I speak German I've made friends who I know will be there for me no matter what and that loyalty that feeling of really being seen and understood it's something I come to Value Germany has taught me that sometimes the things worth having Don't Come Easy and I wouldn't trade that for anything now the place that once felt so foreign now Feels Like Home in a way that is deeper and more real than I ever expected and so if you'll thinking about moving to Germany or maybe just visiting I won't lie to you won't be

easy but it's worth it you know if you are wanting to put in the time to dig a Little Deeper to invest your energy I promise you those deep relationships that sense of belonging it's here for you [Music] too if you want to hear more of my rambling sign up to my newsletter down below other than that take care take it easy thanks for watching and I will see you in the next one bye-bye