Why You're Struggling To Find Love: things I wish I knew earlier

I'm doing the best I can what do you want from me I'm working full day all [Music] week so my parents have a 12 years age Gap been major differences in their personalities I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say it hasn't been easy mom is super into healthy stuff where D likes to enjoy some unhealthy food from time to time but he has to hide it from Long [Music] [Music] hey glad to see you here I'm Chloe and this is the story of me finding love and trying to figure out what

that really means through all my life I've met some people but somehow never worked out to be really honest I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem you know being the common denominator I don't think I grew up having a good idea of what an ideal relationship or marriage should look like and still not quite sure even till this day what is love what on Earth truly matters in a happy relationship sh and marriage and how do you know if someone is the one ever since Young from looking at my parents I started developing this

life go I need to find a partner who I'm truly compatible with I want to find someone who I can connect with emotionally intellectually and spiritually on all levels also having a chemistry with I want to be able to chat about anything I want to be able to be myself and fall in love with the way that I am in a relationship and I want that for the other person too but how where is that person does he even exist I don't believe there's such thing as soulmate I don't think there's someone perfect for me

out there either but I want know how close I can really get you know I mean it's a decision of a lifetime isn't it however as time goes by I'm starting to feel the clock ticking louder and louder as my friends are getting married and having kids and then there's me I don't know what to say I think as I get older it just gets harder and harder I remember the good old times when dating used to be easy but now I don't know what happened to me I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be

able to find someone perhaps it's really time to take it more seriously but meeting people is honestly so timec consuming and tiring we don't have that much time to spare we need to approach it more effectively we need strategy don't want to be a one man woman got me stranded like a boat in the sand just the thought of about spreading my wings drives me crazy dressing up fixing my Str always prepared you never know who show up around the corner maybe it's thator oh I can sing I can dance I can learn the SM

moves I will do anything you ask me to do jump out on the stage getting locked up in a cage Direct [Music] GL [Music] andam so I've been reading this book how to not th Alone by uh Logan Nuri who is the head of relationship science at hinge and a Harvard behavioral scientist started reading this book because personally for a really long time I thought dating is quite difficult I think used to be pretty easy but the older I got the more difficult has become and I do believe that dating is a skill that can

really change your lives this book gave me some perspective on what a meaningful relationship is and what it's like to have a more healthy approach to dating so top five tips that I found very helpful tip number one is know yourself finding out your dating blind spot a lot of us actually have this pattern that may be hindering us finding a partner and Logan identify three types of data one is the romanticized second is the maximizer and the third is the hesitat and the romanticizes loves love these are the type of people who believe that

they're a soulmate and they believe that there's this one person out there for them and they just need to go out and look for this person and once they find this person loving and dating would just be so easy and effortless and so when they're in a relationship and things don't work out they tend to think that it's because you're not with the right person and they'll just end things and go off on the Journey of finding again and the cycle just repeats and the second type is the maximizer I think personally I fall into

this category um I want to know what you guys are hopefully none of these but I think I I'm the maximizer so the maxim ER are the ones who try to optimize their options and they have unreeled expectations of their partner this is a kind of person who is always thinking can I just be with someone that's just 5% hter just 5% smarter so they're always wondering what else is out there rather than fully committing into a relationship and making things work and third is the hesitat this is the type of person who has unrealistic

expectations of themselves they feel like they're never really ready for a relationship they'll say that I'll be ready to date when I'm lose 10 lbs or I'll be ready to date when I have a you know more impressive job so instead of getting out there and learning about dating and learning more about themselves they're always waiting for the day to come where they're fully ready share in the comments and let me know if you I identify yourself with any of these I think I'm the maximizer and tip number two throw away your checklist and forget

about ideal type you know the song I'm looking for a gotten Finance trust fund 65 blue eyes I think it's really interesting how we often ask others what is your ideal type I used to think about this so seriously but now I've come to realiz iiz that it doesn't really matter and they probably don't exist Logan suggests that we should throw away our checklist because often when we go on a date we tend to prioritize things that are more on the surface things that are easier to measure such as appearance height um status over long-term

qualities that are deeper and more long lasting however ever these are actually the key to a happy and fulfilled relationship so what are the qualities that truly matter in a happy and meaningful relationship instead of looking for a guy in trust fun Finance look for someone who is emotionally stable someone who is kind uh someone who has a growth mindset and someone who can communicate well and fight well so these are actually the qualities that really help the couple build a meaningful relationship nurture the deeper connections that help you weather the ups and downs of

lives tip number three don't fall into the interview trap so like what we talked about earlier we usually go into a date with a list of boxes to check trying to figure out if this person is worth my time and if there will be a second date not going to lie I was definitely like that constantly evaluating rather than just being in the moment so the problem with that is when you treat like an evaluation it's easy to miss out on the spontaneous and genuine interactions that Foster Real chemistry and for you to really get

to know this person on a more genuine level so instead of treating like an interview where you're focusing on the checklist try to be present in the moment I think that would just help both of you to relax better and be yourselves stop focusing on what they look on paper focus on how you feel around them tip number four take the experimental approach and get out of your comfortone so instead of just getting dinner why not try do an activity together why not um go to a new place together know just go and have fun

and see if you Vibe I think this is especially true for me because as I get older I notice that my checklists tend to get longer and longer but at the end of the day I think I can still be really happy with someone even if they don't check all the boxes and so nowadays when I approach dating I think I'm definitely more open-minded to meet uh different kinds of people and yeah just really challenge my assumptions about what brings me true happiness and try to avoid getting fixated on the Sparks or love of her

side instead um try to embrace this concept that mentioned in the book called slowburn so slowburn means someone may not be particularly Charming upon your first meeting but would make a great long-term partner tip number five this might be my favorite don't let perfect be the enemy of great we often see people living an very envious life who has everything but are not happy and we also see people who don't have much living a simple Al and very content with what they have it's got me thinking like what is what is it that separates them

and I think the answer is the mindset it's how we feel about it rather than what it really is when we're choosing a partner I think it's impossible to just feeling completely happy and satisfied by the choice itself but rather it's how we feel about that decision because you're never going to know what it's like dating everyone else it's not a real issue to be bothered with you can NE constantly wonder what's potentially out there which in that case would be more difficult for you to feel happy or you can learn to appreciate the love

and support that your partner is giving you the bond and connection that you [Music] share life or things in general don't come with inherent meaning we create and assign our own meanings to them through our actions thoughts and values in fact it's usually the investment into building something the late nights the hard work perseverance the imperfection that makes something so beautiful and meaningful and that is greatness to get it right now [Music] o people talk and tell what you want to hear now but they all disappeared they will let you down so we better stick

together let's come whatever we're not coming home tonight in this world going to I think I've finally come to understand love a little better it's commitment and in a way it also means settling love is a decision a decision to settle a decision to stay a decision to give a decision to trust and embrace it's made up a series of small choices we make every day every morning we wake up we choose this person again and again even if someone betters comes along even when things gets hard perhaps this is what real love is a

simple solid feeling and the answer was never out there to be looked for the answer it's always been here within me only two of us together two of us together together we only need the two of us together two of us together we only need the two of us [Music] together we only need the two of us together only you in this crazy world we got love