Change Your Mindset ft. Mel Robbins | Khloé in Wonder Land Episode 3 | Khloé Kardashian

I believe you are one decision away from a different life but why do you think that's so hard for people to understand why are we giving the worst to the people that we love the most I know for a fact that it was her who sold this to the media you can always leave any relationship any dining room table any text chain you're not stuck that's a lie you tell yourself I hope you know how many lives you've changed [ __ ] years you can too this is more than a show it's a window into

my world and the stories that make it meaningful welcome to Chloe and [Music] Wonderland number one so honored and thankful that you agreed to do this podcast with me I've seen videos and interviews of you from years and years ago and so the years that you have been this person and yes there's been growth and evolution but you've never lost sight of who you are authentically and that I'm so in love with well I think I have lost sight of who I am and for most of my life I really struggled I mean whether it

was crippling anxiety or having ADHD and not knowing or dyslexia and not knowing and so it wasn't until I hit my 40s and I got myself into a situation and we all find ourselves in these situations in life where the life that you thought you were going to have is not the one that you're in and for me what that meant is my husband and I found ourselves $800,000 in debt three kids under the age of 10 F friends and family had invested in the business and I had never had a vision for my life

of being an alcoholic or getting divorced or not being able to get out of bed I mean Chloe it got to the point where I would I was the kind of person that would literally lay in bed and hit the snooze button four or five times a morning and I was hung over and I would lay in that bed and I would stare at the ceiling and I would think about the problems and I would think about how much I hated my husband and how ashamed I was at where we are in life and my

kids would be standing next to the bed and they were the reason why I would finally get up right and then of course when I got up oh my gosh it wasn't like I was some like kind of person I'm like screaming at them and so they start their mornings like this and how can you expect your kids to have a good day at school if they start with you screaming at them and every step of the way I was just like why am I doing this and why am I so angry and why am

I always doing things that I know I shouldn't be doing and what happens in life and this is what I've learned the hard way is that you don't change until you're ready to change change yeah and for me that kind of defining moment in my life came on a Tuesday Morning in February in 2008 wow and I woke up like I had for six months in a row and the anxiety was pinning me to the bed like a gravity blanket and you know I knew I needed to get up I knew I needed to look

for a job I knew I needed to ask for help I knew I needed to tell my friends what was going on but have you ever been in a situation in your life where you know what you need to do but you just can't make yourself do it of course I remember I was married and my ex-husband um had a drug addiction and I knew that his addiction always heightened um he was in the NBA and I knew his addiction always heightened when he had his offseason cuz idle time is the Devil's Playground right and

so I remember he was has to go I think to Team USA if I remember correctly and I was begging please please go to Team USA and I was pushing and I remember he just looked at me and said you can't want it more than I do and even though like we've done rehabs and this and because you could fake it you could have rehab for 45 days just to appease everyone else get them off my back but if you're not doing it for you but I remember when he said you can't want it more

than me he's like do you want to suit up because you can't suit up and I don't don't want it and I remember I was like it was so profound I was it's so silly cuz I I know that but I wanted it so badly because I wanted to help him and to get him like feel the motivation and feel good but he just wasn't in that place and I just was like I know I know what I need to do and it took me a long time to get to then I had file for

divorce but that came after but that was a very pivotal moment in my life because I remember that statement yeah being the first one that I was like he yeah you're I can't want it more than you I can't want your life more than you wanting that for somebody is a amazing thing it means you love somebody the problem in my life is that I went about it in the exact opposite way that you should go about it see I was always working against human wiring and I never knew it and so in the example

that you just shared what was happening there is the truth human beings only change when they feel like it and see we all have a fundamental need to feel in control of Our Lives now this is all stuff that I have only learned recently I mean I I am the textbook for screwing things up and falling in a hole or digging one and then lying in the bottom of a hole and being like when is somebody coming isn't somebody going to pay my bills and like make my dreams come true and like you said no

one is coming yes and at some point you're going to realize you don't need anybody right and as as long as you are focused on everybody else you'll never actually see the truth which is you have everything in you to pick yourself up to admit what you want and sometimes if you don't know what you want just tell yourself what you don't want right like I didn't know in the darkest moments of my life like that moment being 41 and just about to lose everything I didn't know what I wanted it's not like in that

moment when you're in a hole you're literally like I think I I think I want to be a motivational speaker that's not what happens you basically go I don't want to live my life like this and I don't want to lose my marriage and I don't want to be a emotional [ __ ] all the time to my kids I don't want to see my house go under under bankruptcy and if you know what you don't want just invert it right I think what's something that's also so aspirational about you and what people don't talk

about enough I think in society is what you just said you had all these failures and then at 41 I believe you said was when your life sort of made that switch so I I just turned 40 and my 30s were a really tough decade for me and I did either a lot of jobs or I bet on myself in a lot of different ways and there were things that didn't go the way I wanted them to a lot more failures than successes and it I took a hit on my confidence all these things well

how could you not how could you not if your emotional and like mindset response to something that's that hurts you or that didn't go as planned is to be disappointed or to have you question whether or not you can trust certain people for you to be heartbroken when somebody that you love is not able to do the very hard work to get sober or to show up in the way that you deserve to have so somebody show up it's a sign that you're mentally well okay good when you react to those things in the way

that you did and that's an important thing to understand because if you then think something's wrong with you because this person won't heal now what's happened is you've taken on the burden right of actually making everyone else happy and I didn't understand this for a very very long time and so there were two things that have fundamentally changed my life the first one is is that there is a skill in life Chloe that absolutely any human being can learn and they need to learn it and the skill is very simple you need to know how

to push yourself to take the small annoying frustrating boring actions no matter how you feel and what I learned the hard way is that in any moment you can override your feelings with action and so the first thing that I created that really kind of turned my life in a different direction and I believe you are one decision away from a different life 100% one decision now one decision does not change everything overnight one decision turns the first domino in an entirely New Direction and you tip it and one decision actually turns your life on

an entirely new trajectory and for me the decision that truly changed my life was deciding to get up on a Tuesday morning when I didn't feel like it and all I did was count backwards 5 4 3 2 1 the same way that NASA launches a rocket ship because I figured if I'm laying here in bed consumed with anxiety maybe if I launch myself out of bed Chloe if I launch myself maybe if I move fast enough I won't be in this bed when the depression the overwhelm and the anxiety strikes and by god it

worked yeah the counting the reason why it works is because counting backwards 54321 it interrupts all the negativity that is programmed into your mind from your past from what other people have said from all the mistakes that you've made from the anxiety the worry the procrastination all that stuff the people that have broken your trust that's all right here and it is real but you still get to choose right and and when you start counting backwards 5 4 3 2 1 you move from here to here and this is the part of the brain right

before right behind your forehead that actually helps you take control of what you do next it helps you learn new behavior and as you count backwards 5 4 3 2 1 now we're leveraging physics this is so cool all I have to do is count backwards and now it's like neuroscience and physics I didn't know any of this at the time by the way I just knew I created some little trick that was given to me by God and now all of a sudden I'm 54321 picking up the phone and asking for help 54321 I'm

going out the door and going for a walk 54321 I'm putting down the phone and I'm picking up a book or listening to a podcast that might help me and slowly but surely one 5sec decision at a time I learned this skill that I want everybody on the planet to know which is if you can in a moment recognize that your feelings are taking over and you're starting to drift toward the things that you always do you avoid you procrastinate you self-doubt you make yourself wrong that in that moment you can develop a skill of

I actually move in the direction of my values and my dreams I move in the direction of taking care of myself and that is what began a whole new life for me and we all need to know this this episode of Chloe and Wonderland is sponsored by better help as the clock strikes midnight on January 1st you're handed a gift 365 blank pages a brand new year waiting for you to write your story what will it say maybe 2025 is the year for a bold plot twist a leap of faith a new chapter of Discovery

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the right fit you can switch at no extra cost it's all about finding the support that works for you so as you step into 2025 ask yourself what do you want this year's story story to be whatever it is you don't have to write it alone Write Your Story with betterhelp visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month that's better help hp.com now that I'm doing so many new things in my 40th year yeah and I am so excited and I feel like this Resurgence in me and I felt like my 30s were

this time that I sort of needed to really stumble and fall and make these failures and mistakes not that I'm not going to make more but I've learned this resilience in how to pick myself back up I saw one of your podcasts and you had this doctor and I forget his name but he was saying about manifestation oh Dr Dodie yes Dr Dodie and how you can reprogram that soundtrack in your brain yes but it genuinely does change the rest of your day and sometimes we just need those pep talks even to ourselves or writing

things down it's even more than a pep talk because here's what I want you to consider everyone's obsessed with morning routines right right now and they should be because how you start the day is actually how it ends up and there's tremendous amount of research about the first thing in the morning that you consume and if you put garbage in you're going to have garbage out in terms of your emotions and your feelings I mean if you pick up the phone first thing in the morning you are actually allowing the entire internet to come into

your bedroom and into your mind and now you have put everybody on the planet in front of you and your dreams and your mental health and so one of the biggest habits that anybody could start to do and nobody will nobody will because you don't want to and people only change when they want to but I'm going to tell you what will change your life is don't sleep with your phone literally put your phone in the bathroom I do this probably 95% of the time put the phone in the bathroom because then when you wake

up you don't actually grab the phone right and look at it in bed and if you are in a moment in your life where you're tired or overwhelmed or you're chronically comparing yourself to other people or you're stressed out or you're not achieving your goals or you're not actually as happy as you deserve to be the problem isn't you the problem is all the power that you give to other people well I love what you said on in your Ted talk about this you said it's you could have anything you want and you say it's

simple it's not easy yes because essentially it is really simple but no one really wants to go to the gym if they need to lose weight or no one wants to put down they would you know if you have a choice between pasta or pizza and broccoli and whatever Salmon well there's a lot of there's a lot of science around this and I personally find that it is so helpful to kind of understand what's going on in the background because then I don't feel like a loser idiot and I realized oh wait this is just

basic brain wiring like why aren't they telling uh our kids and especially if my kids had had been in school at your kids' age they should be telling kids this our brains are wired to do what's easy full stop that's why we sit on the couch it's easier than going to the gym that's why we avoid the conversation it's easier than picking up the phone and starting the conversation that's why we navigate our lives around people's moods because it's easier than actually being a mature adults and calling people out in a kind way because it's

easier and when you understand that you're hardwired to do what's easy and you're also hardwired to resist what feels hard You Now understand how basic wiring sets you up to never change right and it's why you always are going to need to push yourself and I want to go back to the example of the comparison right so comparing yourself to other people's normal that's not the problem the problem is what you're doing with the comparison and so this brings in the second the power you're giving it oh you're looking at it completely wrong and then

of course you make yourself feel bad for doing something that's normal and so I'm going to like flip this on its head for you so the second thing that changed my life was discovering the let them Theory and it's a very simple mindset hack that has two steps the first step is whenever somebody is stressing you out or annoying you or making you worry or feel bad about yourself or hurting you or pissing you off that's normally the one for me yeah um you're just going to say let them and it's kind of crazy because

the second you say let them you instantly Release Control and then what you're going to do is you're going to say let me let me remind myself that in life and in this moment there are only three things I can actually control that's it I can control what I think about this thing I can control what I do or I don't do in response to this situation and I get to control what I'm going to do with my emotions am I going to allow myself to feel them or am I going to let them run

me over that's all you have and the problem in life is that we all have a hardwired need Chloe to feel in control it's what makes you feel safe and it's why you want to feel in control of your thoughts and your future and your relationship and the amount of money you make and who your friends are and all this stuff you want to feel in control because it's what makes you feel calm and confident and safe we're never going to get rid of that hardwiring everybody needs to feel in control and the one thing

you'll never be able to change is another human being right people only change when they're ready but why do you think that's so hard for people to understand like do you know what I mean like I know for me when I was younger with my ex-husband I I I I was young I got married at 24 I got for I think it was 29 or 30 but it I you're so young and so I understand but now I'm so much better at I think maybe because I went through that experience that I for me I'm

so good at that but I know like my mom I always try to tell her mom they're not going to change or let like let them do their thing and they will change when they're ready right but and not just Hur so many people and it is so hard for I think so many adults to let uhuh or just to accept like people I think and some people are just instinctual fixers and they want to do that but you can't fix other people like if people are broken they have to fix themselves that's true but

knowing it up here doesn't mean you do it in your body right and for me personally I can't put intellectual Concepts to use you know I have wanted to let things go my entire life I've never been able to let anything go because I'm competitive I'm type A and plus when I say when somebody says to me you got to let it go Mel I'm like well that feels like defeat MH and I don't want to let it go I'm going to hold on to this thing like a dog with a bone because I don't

want to right and the difference in discovering let them and let me is when you say let them what's happening is you're not letting go you're Rising above it you're seeing somebody or seeing a situation as it is probably for the very first time and you're detaching when you say let them and you also recognize something really important that your time and energy is your single most valuable resource in life yes it is because where you pour your time and energy is what your experience of life is and so when you say let them you

stop putting time and energy into someone or something or a dynamic that just is beyond your control you recognize that your time and energy matters so you're going to take that time and energy back and then you're going to say let me let me remind myself that I get to choose where I put my time and energy are you good doing this my biggest fear right because I am at this a stage like sort of a helicopter mom because there's just so many scary things out there course well you also have very different circumstances than

most people and so here's the thing it's a sign that you're mentally well that you are concerned about the well-being of your children and it is important that you are really a helicopter parent about their safety but here's where I want to change the way you look at this do you want to know who's the hardest working kid in a classroom the one who's failing the kid who's getting a yeah they're putting in a lot of work but the person who is struggling is working harder than than anybody else same thing's true with all your

friends the friend that is struggling with their weight they're working harder at their health than the person that goes to the gym every day why because every human being knows when they're not thriving right everyone knows when you're giving up on yourself every one of your girlfriends that's in a relationship with somebody that treats them poorly knows it they don't need you and I people look at people so differently because that is it's such a beautiful way to think and to look at somebody through those eyes I mean was it helpful for people to come

in when you were with like your ex-husband and be like you should be with somebody better you should be putting up with this does that help no why yeah because you're trying and you're fighting for it with all of your might for sure uhhuh for sure uhhuh and what you need and what your kids need and what we all need is first we need people in our lives to let us to see us to accept us to stop judging and to truly approach these moments where someone in your life is in a situation where they're

not reaching their potential not with judgment and I know best and pressure but you're good at doing that with your own children too I am now okay because when I Rush In And step in well for sure but you know when I Rush In And step in you know what I'm actually communicating that I don't think you're capable don't believe in them correct right and every time that you do that you're reinforcing you're not strong enough to face this disappointment you're not able to do this on your own without Mom rushing in and when you

take a little step back and you have your arm around them you're not doing the work for them you have your arm around them you're actually saying to them I actually I believe in you and I'm going to be here and I'm going to walk by your side but I'm not going to plow the way and I can give you an example so when our daughter was was uh uh she was in Middle School and she started waking up in the middle of the night and having this terrible anxiety and she'd come downstairs and I

would just let her climb in bed and for the first night or two it was fine but then it started to become a real problem because she didn't want to go back to her room so for 6 months I let her sleep on the floor of our bedroom and you know what I did I actually made her anxiety worse because anxiety is so misunderstood anxiety is a moment of uncertainty which we all have and some of us have them every day it's a moment of uncertainty when you doubt your capacity and capability to get through

it right that's all that it is it's just a little alarm things are uncertain I'm a little nervous I'm a little afraid and then we instead of just taking a breath and saying I have the ability to do this and reminding ourselves like instead of going up and into our heads and going well what if this and what if this and working ourselves up which only makes the fear and the anxiety worse instead of going up in our heads drop back down into your body take a deep breath because then you reconnect with yourself and

you say to yourself I'm capable of doing this even though it's kind of scary well this was something starting this podcast was something that I had so much anxiety about because it's new I I it's one thing that I'm on TV it's one thing that you can be very conversational with someone it's another thing if I'm on your show and you interview me but steering a ship is a very different situation for me at least that's how I built it up I am someone who I'm very spiritual I like to pray but it's my I'm

more conversational and even today when I was coming here to see you I was just like like I was dming you and like I'm so like you just were with Oprah she gave you the most insane cosign of anyone's life like I literally my eyes were tearing up of joy for you I love what you said about being present you said I have not been present for so many things in my life but I'm not going to miss this one or something like that I'm paraphrasing and that was such a profound statement so all you

need to do because here's what happens for all of us and I want to come back to to helping you use let them and let me because the person who hit play on this episode who spend in time with us right now is struggling with the exact same thing that you're struggling with and it's the exact same thing that I struggled with profoundly up until two years ago and it goes back to this notion of the power that we give to other people and learning to say let them and recognizing what's in your control and

what's not in your control and then taking the power back by saying let me helps you achieve the things that you want it helps you feel the way that you want to feel and it helps you leverage all of the dreams and the desires that you have so let's talk about an example that I think applies to you launching this podcast okay so you know when you open up social media and you are picking a photo and for me like I'm picking a photo and then I'm like this is how I used to be I

like okay well you know I and then I pick a different photo or then I'm like putting a filter on the photo and then I'm writing a cap I'm like is this too much and then I put a little emoji on there and they like oh back back back and then I finally like hit draft if everybody were to open up their social media you would see thousands of save drafts that is the graveyard of your dreams and self-expression and why does that happen I'm going to explain why that happens in the moment that you're

picking a photo to post online and you start to analyze the photo and analyze the caption and you start to think is this good enough is it too much is it this is it that is this going to be for who who right for who in that moment we just defaulted to thinking about what someone else is going to think feel or do in response to what we're about to do something that you'll probably never even meet to well even worse you ready you can't control it right I'm sure there's tremendous number of people in

your life that have high expectations for you whether it's your sisters or your mom or your kids or your business partners or the world around you learning to let people be disappointed will change your life and when it comes to your family this is something that I've struggled with because I love my family it's a huge value of mine right I want to make sure everybody's happy but when you learn that disappointment is a good thing because when your mom's disappointed that you can't show up for something you know what that means I mean she

loves you and I also read something about children that you and your household should be the one they should hear no they should be disappointed within their own home so they know how to process those feelings and do all of that you don't want to be yes men to your children always doing what they want and then you put them out in the real world and a stranger tells them no and they don't even know how to respond to that I think the most is not in such heavy negative ways but I do think it

is our responsibility well so for parents here let's talk about uh emotional immaturity because it's just off the rails right now so being able to be and around the holidays it's off the rails oh for sure because everybody's all excited and heightened and again like the let them theory is something to use with adults but the adult that you're going to use it with is yourself and so I choose to believe that almost every adult that you meet is an eight-year-old in a big body it is so liberating to think this everybody's just an eight-year-old

and a big body that's all that we are and when you look at it that way you're not going to be afraid of people the next time you run into somebody who's very got a very narcissistic personality style you're not going to be nervous you're just be like oh let them there's a little eight-year-old throwing a tantrum not my job to parent them so I'm going to let them because I know that there's nothing I can do to change that situation over there and I also know my time and energy is literally way more valuable

than trying to deal with this so I'm going to let them because I get to choose let me decide how much time and energy I pour into that relationship and I want to remind you and the person that's spending time with us right now that you can always leave any relationship any dining room table any text chain any conversation any date any interview any job you're not stuck that's a lie you tell yourself right that keeps you stuck like at least for me with my I think my I know I've had and I have the

most incredible mom and my sister um Courtney and I like sometimes she'll say a memory from childhood and it's very different from my memory but it was the same situation I think we sometimes give parents we give them too much power where we think they're these superheroes and when I look back I'm like oh my gosh if I was 20s something years old with four kids like I would have lost my mind like I have so much empathy for maybe why something was I was responded to in a way that I wouldn't respond to my

kids now but I'm older and I know more this or that I think I'm sure your children and do the same with you well here's the thing that's important to understand um and it's something that I'm concerned about and I can tell in the question you are too like there's an extraordinary rise in estrangement and people ghosting each other and cutting people out of their lives and to me that's all a sign of emotional immaturity like if you can't have the conversation it's one thing to have the conversation with somebody and talk about what is

bothering you and then you have to let them and if a person cannot meet you where you need to meet where they where you need them to meet you then it's let me let me choose how much time and energy I'm going to pour into this and so you're always in control because you're in control of your time and energy and what access you give to people but if you haven't had the conversation then you're the one who's the problem and right the thing that I think you're talking about is that it is so easy

to look at your parents and judge and I want the person listening and and the person that they share this to to really consider that this is your parents first time being a human being too and they can only give you what they're capable of giving to themselves most of our parents never went to therapy they didn't get the things that they needed in their life emotionally from their parents and from generation to generation to generation we get a little bit better but if you don't like what's happening in your family or in any friendship

or in your marriage the power is not in the other person changing the power is in you changing you changing your mindset you changing your approach you changing the energy like that's the power just takes one person and so you know it's important to realize that every single kid in a family has different parents they have a different childhood and everything that happens impacts them differently and that is a medical and neurological fact so if you I sit here and we look back in time and I look at everything that has happened in my life

good or bad I can sit here with you today Chloe and I can say oh I can see exactly how this all makes sense I might not have liked it I might have wished it have gone differently I might have seen a lot of things that was not my responsibility and that you know should never have happened to me but I can see how it all in this just beautiful divine sometimes crazy like upsetting way it led me to this moment does that make sense complete sense and this is not as this isn't a woes

me thing but my ex-husband I went through a really it was a bad divorce he cheated on me and drugs and all that stuff but it was this was in the era of like tabloids were huge so it was everywhere and it was horrible and then I my ex who I have two children with he um cheated on me when I was pregnant but it was very public but it wasn't nearly as bad as what I went through emotionally with the pregnancy I had with my daughter but it I could handle it and I'm not

sure if I can I just say how the hell did you handle it no I'm serious because I you know I'm bitching about being in debt and how it paralyzed me and the shame that I felt but in those moments how did you organize the strength to actually get through I I I I mean that with all sincerity because I think there is something that I can learn that you can share there is some way in which you dug deep whether it was just anchoring down on your children or armoring up but how did you

actually get through that well the crazy thing is I would draw back to the feelings I had with Lamar or I would Lamar was my first husband where I would say say okay like I sort of I knew how to deal with this media Scandal and I was in Cleveland Ohio so like let me just stay here for a little bit because that's where I gave birth and I just sort of knew to stay away from the noise which La has a lot of noise um stayed away from my phone but I would say the

biggest was I had a brand new baby and I definitely isolated I never left my house for a few months I was just with her I built this little cocoon for her and I and it was the most magical experience I was in denial like about all the noise I didn't want to pay attention to it not in denial I just didn't want to focus on it you didn't give power to it I didn't give power to it and that's the key and that is the key that's the key but a lot of it's interesting

because people who don't and it wasn't intentional I didn't know I I was just like you know what I'm not doing this and I remember when Tristan had an affair it was public and I gave birth 48 hours later and people were like do you want him in the hospital room when you're giving birth and it was my first baby and I said I do and we're all going to pretend CU of course I had to have all my siblings in the room and my mom and I said we're going to all it's going to

be hard for you guys but let's all act like this didn't happen because my daughter's going to see this home footage one day and I don't want her to ever see to know this was I was thinking for my daughter true and I I get sad if I ever see myself cuz I can tell I'm blank and it's an out-of- body experience I just went into autopilot and I just went into I'm I'm not here I was not present um but I my body was there I gave birth I did what I have to do

but it was for her I thought of her and I was like for her memories I want to her to know her dad was in the room and then when it was done you know he went along his I was like I can't talk to you but like when I put my home camera down but I made sure to do what I needed to do for her but if it wasn't for my family like we have such a close Bond but it doesn't have to be your blood family I think if anyone's going through something

you have to have a tribe if you are able to recognize what's in your control and what's not in your control and when you start to live your life this way which I see you doing as you navigate everything and you're recognizing that doesn't feel good I'm going to let them I'm done with that I'm going to let them and then come back to well what do I want to do what do I want to do that's how you're going to continue to tap into your power that's what you're going to teach your children that

the power is always in here but just like drinking you got to stop drinking if you want to get sober you have to stop trying to control everything you can't control if you want to take control of your own life and I want to share one more thing that we were talking about earlier and that is on the topic of comparison so comparing ourselves to everybody else that is normal like we're all going to always be doing it that's not the problem the problem is what we do with it so the problem with comparison is

that we actually are using it to torture ourselves and what I learned too late in life is that in the game of life you're not actually competing with anybody we're not playing against each other we're actually playing with each other and when you start to realize that other people can never ever ever block your way other people lead way only you can block your own way right and when you release control and you stop using comparison as a battering room oh Kim's doing this and you know Chloe's doing that ky's doing this and Ken let

them right well it's so funny when I was younger it was so much competitiveness and I was I want that and why does she have it could be clothes it could be anything and now the older that I've gotten when I see Kim or Kylie or Kendall anyone doing something thing I'm it's not competitive it's motivating yes and and that's what we've turned it into cuz we're not competitive work-wise I'm just like holy [ __ ] Kim did this or courts doing this I'm like okay now this isn't like the juices are flowing I'm like

excited to do something too and yes I don't know if that happens because we are less competitive maybe the older we get or you maybe it's just us realizing you're right we're in this together and we do come from a family that like two had are better than one three is better than two it's not like I'm the head honcho here like we're not that type of people in our family but definitely when we first started out I think there was a ton of competitiveness of course of course and a lot of but even Society

pinning they would pin us sisters against each other and let them but back in the day we were like we would always ask each other why do they the questions would be do you guys ever date the same men or like fight over this and we're like what a weird question like we we didn't understand why they always wanted us to be combative or fight it had to always be salacious and negative I mean now I know why but yes now it's more of a inspirational motivational situation as opposed to oh well I need what

she has why does she get that and I don't it's not that tantrum but see for the person that's listening I think every one of us struggles with this and another big Revelation for me was that the things that you're jealous of are deeply personal and they're important jealousy is a really important emotion because jealousy is just blocked desire like I'm not jealous of things I don't want I'm not jealous of anybody who's driving a Lamborghini I don't freaking want one right I'm not jealous of a penthouse in Dubai I don't want to live there

right doesn't even like I like my pulse doesn't even skip a beat I don't care right but if I see that somebody I remember when my buddy Jay Shetty launched a podcast I was like oh Jee he beat me to it you know and and we all have this at every level in our life I'm talking about Jay because he's a peer of mine in business and we're good friends but I felt the same way about my friend's kitchen cabinets you know as in my 30s I felt the same way about my other friend who

had these like amazing party favors for her wedding and I'm like mine suck now and so the thing about it is that you only feel that you've been waking up every day for 18 years doing the Reps the boring tedious annoying in the mud work to get where you are and your life has been the biggest gift you want to know why you have been brave enough to be public about it so you have revealed formulas and mistakes and things that we can all learn from and that's a beautiful generous extraordinary thing to do and

so for you know anybody that is following you that has ambition the message here today that I want to make sure the person listening gets is that you got to let Chloe be wildly successful and happy you got to let her be her fullest most amazing self because she's showing you what's possible and she's generous about how she's doing it which means if she's chipped away at this for 18 years you can too I mean it I mean it it's so true like you have to stop literally giving so much power this is turning into

a I'll do it yeah here we go I know I'm serious you have to start like you have I'm so happy you're launching this podcast because you lead your life fully in the open and learning how to let people have their opinions and their negative thoughts that's a superpower thank you because you know that the power is in your example the power is in your energy because here's the thing that I learned too late 54 years old it took me this long to learn and it was saying let them and let me that made me

realize the seeking admiration and love out there and chasing it only leaves you feeling empty it's a dangerous game because you can't control it right and it means you have to behave for it or show up for it and the power is actually in here MH when you're proud of yourself you don't actually think about other people yeah you're so right and I spent 54 years thinking first about others trying to make other people happy worrying about what they're thinking worrying about they're doing and when I start finally started to realize the more I let

other people be who they are and who they're not actually the better my relationships get as I get to choose and the more I let other people live their lives and say what they're going to say and think what they're going to think and feel what they're going to feel the better my life gets and the same is going to be true with you and you know there's so many young women that look up to you that really are going to learn from you and one of the things I hope that they learn is that

it's the explaining a way of behavior that is you over yeah and there's one other thing I want to share with you that I read um I read about your therapist this thing with this you you had this therapist the one that yeah so can you tell me like I only I would read the bustle article and so can you just tell me a quick thing because I want to I want to share something about trust so when I was going through my divorce we were doing couples counseling him and I was like our last

we were trying before we were going to go to divorce and I remember we had one-on-one sessions with the therapist and then we did them as a couple and I told this therapist something that my sisters didn't nobody knew except for her okay and the next thing I know it was all over in print and I just remember like my heart sank and there was not an I know for a fact that it was her who sold this to the media and I remember feeling so betrayed but on but I will say like I try

to find the positive and anything and everything and I was was much heavier back in the day I wasn't healthy I don't care if you're heavy heavy and you're healthy but I wasn't healthy I didn't like the way I looked I didn't feel good about myself cuz I was really miserable and I was using food as a coping mechanism yeah and it yes I felt so betrayed by my therapist but it's actually what got me to have this love for the gym and because I needed a release I needed a place that I could get

on the treadmill and cry my eyes out and I just needed a release of energy somehow and it is what so I found the silver lining in that that I see a therapist now I have one that I trust and that's cuz my sister Kim but this person I L I was like everyone I don't trust a soul everyone is a piece of but it did make me have a love for the gem okay so let's talk about trust because you've had a number of people that have betrayed your trust and I think we have

all had that experience but you have had it a number of times and so how did having a number of people in your life that you were that you loved that you poured your heart and soul into betray you how has that impacted you because I want to offer you something and a different way to think about trust um sometimes I question my radar like why am I not doing a good job at seeing certain things but also like when it when people are like do you still believe in love or this or that and

I do because I do believe that a lot of those Journeys were for them to experience and I just felt like I was strong enough to endure it because I believe in God and I do think that God knew it wouldn't break me and so I do believe that that's why like all the people that have ever wronged me if I saw them tomorrow I would say hi there's no like I don't hang on to any of this stuff I don't carry it with me I that's for them and I honestly think that when you

are kind when you forgive someone for doing something whether it be disgustingly horrible or just minor I think it breaks them so much more that you forgave them like they almost want to be like well that I treated her like that cuz look how she's acting look how she's I'm not an eye for an eye type of girl I'm like you know what that was your journey well if you are an eye for an eye type of person you actually give the other person power if you're the kind of person that if somebody breaks up

with you you want to get back at them guess what you're still in the relationship and given them power right and so the stronger move you're right is to forgive because you're basically saying this has no power over me because as long as I resent you and I hate you and I punish you you still have power over me because it's impacting my emotions and when it comes to trust I think we get trust all wrong because we think it's about trusting the other person trusting yourself correct but that's what I've I've even said this

to Kim not too long ago said how do like if I've made so many choices that didn't turn out great and I didn't see some of the situations I didn't see the red flags or maybe the 27 different colored Flags I didn't see right away right how do I then how do you start to learn to trust yourself again like what can you do to strengthen that if you start doubting your own trust radar it's a terrific question and so what you're going to do is this so anytime that somebody's Behavior starts to just go

H you know that you know because that's how it stirs you're like you got to say let them and here's why I I I I I mean this if you just take note in your mind you're not actually doing anything physical when you say to yourself let them you're really separating and it's a little boundary and you're going okay I remember my ex-husband I've I'm a drinker I've never been a drug user or anything but I have friends that on the weekends they'll party or whatever but they go to work on Monday I remember we

were out in Vegas and there would you know there might have been a little partying going on with my ex-husband I was like huh okay I that I I never dated someone that even did a little of that and so I think the most was alcohol and weed yeah so to have a little bit more I was like okay well you know maybe this is just how he blows off steam I in hindsight I was like I don't even want to be with someone that does that even just a little right because it could easily

be a slippery slope right but you are in love and you're like it's fine yes but that little thing and then I remember it would turn into then like two days in a row and then but a lot I didn't find out for about a year and a half the extent of what was going on he was really good at concealing it but looking back I was like oh but there were those Vegas weekends or those little things so there's lots of things and for and you know some other examples might be you're on a

date and somebody's rude to a waiter interesting take note right or they say they're going to show up and they don't show up interesting take note or they only say I love you when they're drunk interesting take note right and the thing you need to do and why I love saying let them is because you're not allowing it a lot of people are like wait when I say let them am I letting them walk all over me no you already are right when you say let them you detach you actually see who you're dealing with

probably for the first time and then you get a little Superior like let them okay all right so I'm with somebody that's rude I'm with somebody that only says I'm with somebody who doesn't want to put a l I'm with somebody that is doing too much partying let them and then remind yourself this is who this person is this is what you're signing up for because people only change when they feel like it and then you've got to start saying let me let me remind myself I get to choose what kind of relationship I put

time and energy into and that's what I've been doing and I've been so present in my life I've been every little thing trying to just understand not necessarily fix but try to understand and work through and regain my confidence my strength and focus on my kids and work but I've loved the break that I've taken and I feel like it might go a little longer just cuz I and I also feel there's so much power in being alone I feel like so many people can't be alone these days we live in a world where either

have to be on social media and show off to people or need acceptance and approval from all these things but the power of being alone but being genuinely happy is something that I've never experienced before until now and I also appreciate all those things that I've gone through because it's given me empathy and understanding and all those things that I am excited to teach my kids about I hope you know just how meaningful you taking the time to be here and do this with me and just to accept doing this with me and I mean

the whole thing I will for the rest of my career of anything that I'm doing I will always remember this moment and all that you've done for me and this talk the pep talk everything and I just want to say thank you so much it's meant the world to me oh my gosh well well thank you and so if I can ever ever do anything to support you if I can ever do anything to like help you you just say the word and I am there I'm deeply honored that you have allowed um me to

come here that you invited me that you are that you trust me uh with the people that follow you around the world because my work is about one person at a time that I don't think about all the people that are going to be impacted by this which they will I think about you and how you're impacted by our time and I think about the one person that actually made the time to hit play and spend time with you and me and I am deeply proud of you for starting this thank you and I love

that this conversation is going to not only improve and empower the life of the person that was listening but as they share this episode it's going to send positive Ripple effects and tools and hope to people around the world who need it so thank you for giving me this opportunity to be with you and co-create thank you I love you I love you thank you so so much I'm obsessed with you