Therapy | Stand Up Comedy by Urooj Ashfaq

Are you guys aware of the cameras? Are you feeling conscious of the cameras by any chance? Because they can’t see you.

They are for me. If you all are like, "Oh, I won’t laugh too much at this joke" THEY ARE FOR ME. You think I did this for you?

This is for the cameras. Are there people here who go to therapy? Anyone?

You can raise your hands because I can see some of you. Okay, not bad, not bad. What about the rest of you?

Aap sab raat ko ro ke so jaate ho? (You guys cry yourselves to sleep at night? ) It’s free.

Therapy is quite expensive, right? Yeah, it’s just more economical to be sad. Can’t be sad and poor.

No, you have to choose. I can afford therapy now, and my friends still can’t, okay, because they’re poor. So I keep telling them how great therapy is, and they feel really bad.

So they are always just like, "Can you ask our questions also? " So now I got therapy for a whole group. Yeah, there are 20 of us.

Main sabka sawaal leke jaati hoon. (I take everybody’s questions to therapy. ) But the thing is, I can’t tell my therapist that I’m asking somebody else’s question.

So I pretend like they’re all mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First, I ask my questions, of course.

My questions are very basic, you know. They’re questions like: Why am I sad? Why am I anxious?

Why are my friends so poor? Then I’ll be like, "Listen, hypothetically, if I had a porn addiction, what would you say I should do? " And my therapist is like, "You don’t have to say hypothetically.

This is a safe space. " I was like, "Okay. .

. I have a porn addiction. " My therapist was very serious about having a porn addiction, okay.

In case anyone has here, I won’t ask you to raise your hands for this just letting you know, she said: It’s graphic. It’s unrealistic. It’s bad for you.

She said instead, you have to: Use your imagination. Spend alone time with yourself. You have to touch yourself.

I was like, "Woh sab toh theek hai," (Okay, all of this is fine), "but ab yeh mujhe Varun ko batana padega. " (But now I have to tell this to Varun. ) I went to Varun, and I was like, "She said, ‘Touch yourself.

’ But not right now. " Another friend of mine her question was She’s been in a relationship for 10 years now. A long time, right?

And so, she’s no longer interested in sex. She wanted me to ask my therapist why. So I went to my therapist, I asked her my questions: Why am I sad?

Why am I anxious? Why am I friends with Varun? Then I said, "Listen, by the way, I’m not interested in sex anymore.

" She was like, "What, you? ! Start watching porn again.

" So I went to my friend, and I was like, "She said you need to start speaking to Varun. You might wanna borrow his hard drive. He has some classics in there.

" Another friend of mine, her question was, and before I tell you the question, I just want you to know that I’m not judging her lifestyle choices. It’s just a question I have to ask, okay? She has slept with everyone she knows, and she wants me to ask my therapist.

. . why.

and she wants me to ask my therapist. . .

why. So I went to my therapist, and I said, "I have slept with everyone. " She said, "Urooj, you have multiple personality disorder.

" It’s the only thing that explains this. It’s pretty great going to therapy, though. Therapists always blame everything on your childhood, and that’s my favorite part.

Yeah, because that means it’s all your parents’ fault, right? You’re free now. I’ve decided when I have children, though, I’ll send them to therapy immediately.

Aaj issue hua kal solve ho gaya. (You have an issue today, you solve it tomorrow. ) Aise bees saal baad stand-up comedy nahi kar rahe hai.

(They’re not doing stand-up comedy 20 years later. ) Basement main. (In a basement.

) It’s just better, you know. I have a niece (only for the joke). She’s four years old, my sister’s daughter.

(only for the joke. ) So I told my sister we should start sending her to therapy now. My sister agreed.

We have the same parents. She was like, "Done. " But my niece was coming back from therapy sessions, and she was saying things like, "Mumma, I’m so happy.

I love you. I have nothing to say in therapy. " Awww.

So we started beating her. (It’s okay, she’s fictional. ) (My sister isn’t married yet.

) Now she goes twice a week. It’s value for money. Sometimes when she doesn’t have her own questions, I send her with my friends’ questions.

She’s like, "I’m addicted to porn. " The therapist is like, "This family is full of perverts. It’s a genetic issue.

" It’s nice, though. It’s good to go to therapy. A lot of people go to therapy.

Clearly, I go to therapy. You guys go to therapy. My therapist goes to therapy.

My therapist’s therapist also goes to therapy. Yeah. But my therapist’s therapist’s therapist.

. . she does drugs.

Everyone has some way of coping. I don’t judge. It’s fine.

Comedy audiences usually does not go to therapy, right? Because who else would show up at 7 p. m.

on a Sunday, sit here with their arms crossed, and just be like: "Hasa do humein. " (Make us laugh. ) "Help us.

Kal Monday hai. " (Tomorrow is Monday. ) "Please.

. . .

" You just want to do something with your Sunday. It’s a comedy audience. It’s great.

I’m glad you guys don’t go to therapy, and I get to have a career. I appreciate it. I learned a lot from therapy.

I really did. But I also have formal education. No, no, yeah.

I have a BA in psychology. Wow, no matter how long you wait, no one ever applauds that. No, it’s totally fine.

No, no. No, Now it’s condescending. I don’t want it now.

It’s fine, I know it’s not impressive because I’m in Bangalore and you’re all probably engineers and doctors. Right? Are you an engineer, sir?

"No, I’m a doctor. " You’re a doctor! Of course, you are.

I’m an engineer. Yeah, I get it. You guys are really nice, though.

You’re still smiling at me. I really appreciate it. Yeah, because I was doing this show in Mumbai, and there were only five people there.

And it was going very badly. And while leaving, there was an uncle in the audience, and he said to me, "You should study further. ’’ It still comes back to me.

Sometimes, when the joke doesn’t work, I can hear him whispering in the background: "Study further. . .

. " ‘’I’m looking into it. ’’ I actually did want to study further.

Yeah, I wanted to be a doctor because those were the two options when you’re younger. Your parents are like, "Be a doctor. Be an engineer.

" They said the same thing. I said I’ll be a doctor. But I realized I can’t be a doctor because I am.

. . dumb.

Yeah, I’m very dumb. And do you really want a dumb doctor? No.

Because you people. . .

die, right? It’s really high stakes. So I was like, okay, I can’t do this.

So then I saw on Indian television, 8th standard, I saw that I could be a psychiatrist. Yes, because they would show them on TV that they are doctors for crazy people. Pagalon ke doctor hai woh.

(Doctors for crazy people. ) And I was like, Yeh toh main kar sakti hoon. (This, I can do.

) Because if you’re a real doctor, people die. It’s very high stakes. But if you’re a doctor for crazy people, what’s the worst that can happen?

Somebody is like, "You’re a bad doctor. " You’re like, "You are pagal. " (You’re crazy.

) Who’s going to believe YOU? I thought this I can do. But then I went to study it.

First day, first lecture, my professor said, "You can’t call them that. " That was my main reason! But then I started reading about the different mental health diseases, and I was like, "Yes, I was wrong.

We should not call them that. " I also have this. Whoa, my dad has this one.

oh god my nani! her photo was there. She is an example?

I was like, okay, okay, I should not call them that. Of course, I studied psychology. I did my BA, and I was not smart enough to be a psychiatrist either.

So, no offense to them also. So now I do this. But because I started studying psychology, I realized I need therapy.

That’s how slow I am. The reason it didn’t work out, I also took a couple of tries to find the right therapist. And the reason it didn’t work out with my first therapist is completely my fault.

It’s because I went to a man to talk about my feelings. You’re not convinced? I went to an Indian man.

a 60-year-old Indian man. To talk about my feelings. Uhhh, it was not a good idea.

In general, I think men do have a hard time talking about their feelings, especially to each other. They never express. They just grab the nearest girl and say, "Mujhe kuch feel ho raha hai.

" (I’m having a feeling. ) "Bhaiyya mujhe bas Bandra jaana tha. " (Sir, I just wanted to go to Bandra.

) Please. But it’s not just that he was a man, okay? I don’t want to alienate the boys.

It’s also that he was much older, right? So I was 21 back then, and he was 60. There was a huge age gap.

He was an uncle. No, but I don’t mean uncle rudely. I mean.

. . I love uncles.

No, it’s not sexual! No, no, it’s not. I’m not ageist.

So it’s not like "Ewww, uncle," but it’s also not like "Oooo, uncle. " It’s neutral. It’s normal.

Uncle. And back then, when I was 21, my main issue was that I did not trust men. So I went and told him that.

I said, "I don’t trust men, especially in relationships. " And he said, "You shouldn’t. " I said, "I have a boyfriend.

" He said, "Very bad. " I said, "I think he’s going to cheat on me. " He said, "He will.

" I said, “Why will you say that? ” He said, ‘’Because men have needs. ’’ Yeah.

So I started crying. I was like, "Uncle, please. Uncle, stop.

" Yeah, I realized that was not a good idea. So I looked for another therapist, and I really liked this one, like when I found her. Because when I told her, "I don’t trust men," she said, "Why stop there?

Don’t trust women either. " That is solid advice. I have a few issues.

I’ll tell you about them. You’re stuck in this basement. Where will you go?

One of my issues is that, I genuinely have a very hard time criticizing people, especially family and friends. It’s very hard for me to give them negative feedback. And I told my therapist this.

And she said that the reason I have a hard time criticizing them is not because I’m a nice person or like I’m too sweet. She said it’s because I don’t want to hear anything about myself. I was like, "Bitch, I’ve been nothing but nice to you.

Why would you say that to me? " Then I started crying. I love crying.

I cry all the time, dude. I love crying so much. I was crying backstage.

That’s backstage. I was crying on my way here. I’ll cry on stage if you guys don’t laugh.

Why did you stop? I cry on flights. Babies complain about me on a flight.

"Why is she crying? " I cry so much. Anyone I’ve ever dated has given me the same feedback.

They’re all like, "Urooj, it’s very hard to argue with you because tu rone lag jaati hai. " (You start crying. ) I was like, "It’s working!

Yehi toh trick hai. " (This is the trick. ) If I may ask the front row, Sir, when was the last time you cried?

"Don’t remember. " Don’t remember? Okay, if you had to narrow it down, maybe in units, is it like days, weeks, months, or years?

"A year. " A year? Full year?

Wow. Okay. He doesn’t cry.

Doesn’t laugh that much either. It’s not bad. I appreciate the effort.

Sir, what about you? When was the last time you cried "Two years ago. " Two years back?

Wow Did something happen? "It was just at the airport. " It was at the airport?

Oh, were you saying goodbye to someone? A lover? "I was the one traveling.

" You were the one traveling? How selfish! No, no, it counts.

Two years ago is fine. Okay, one year ago. I’ve noticed a pattern wherever I go.

I ask this question to men and women, and men always have bigger gaps between their cries. It’s something we all know, it’s not new. Men obviously don’t cry as much.

This is still impressive, though. Usually, I get answers like Five years ago. Ten years ago.

When I was born. And I really feel bad because I think it’s our fault. That boys don’t feel comfortable to cry.

As a society, we don’t make it a conducive environment As a society, we don’t make it a conducive environment for them, So they don’t. And it has side effects—for everybody. A lot more men have heart attacks because they suppress their feelings A lot more men become alcoholics glug glug glug it’s how they express themselves.

And a lot more men are serial killers. I looked this up. Yeah, there aren’t enough female serial killers.

We are really underrepresented. And I think that’s what the next wave of feminism should be about more female serial killers. But I think the worst thing that happens when men aren’t allowed to cry and boys.

I really do feel bad about this one. is that they start podcasts. Every time I open Instagram, there are two boys with a microphone, going like: "How to be alpha male?

! " Just cry, baby boy! Just cry.

Just have one cry. You’ll feel better. Crying too much, is also not good.

That’s what I do. Crying too much is also not good. Because I cry so much I’ve never won an argument.

What do you need to win an argument? Logic. Points.

Presence of mind. What do I bring to the table? Please.

. . Never won.

So I went to my therapist. I asked, "Can you teach me how to win? " And she said, "Urooj, you don’t win arguments.

It’s all about arriving at a solution together, mutually. " So I said, "Paise wapas kardo. " (Give me my money back.

) But she gave me one tip. She said, "If you find yourself in an argument, use the ‘I’ language instead of the ‘you’ language. " Yeah, you can use this.

It’s when you say things like : "I feel. . .

" "I believe. . .

" Don’t say things like: "You suck. " Makes sense, right? I shouldn’t say things like: "You’re a bitch.

" I should say: "I think you’re a bitch. " She’s like, "You’re being stupid. " I said, ‘’no I think.

’’ Abhi sikhaya aapne. (You just taught me that. ) I’ve replaced ‘you’ with ‘I’ everywhere.

Thank you is now "Thank I. " Fuck you is now "Fuck I. " It gets very confusing during an argument.

Someone says, "Fuck you," and you’re like, "Fuck I. ’’ "Yeah, main bhi yahi bol raha tha. " (Yeah, I was saying the same thing.

) Okay, argument over. Urooj is now ‘’Irooj’’ now. I’ve been quite thorough.

I’ve changed everything.