This is Why You're Indecisive

the people who are deciding they don't seem to be operating in this really inefficient way like they seem to actually kind of like be relatively happy they kind of make a decision they sort of stick with it how does that work what's going on there hello facade here if you want to get control of your life and understand how the mind works check out a DIY guide to mental health the link is in description huh does Dr K have any videos on indecisiveness the answer is yes I have a lot of videos and we're gonna

keep making videos until you all become decisive So today we're going to talk a little bit about indecisiveness and let's understand like why is indecisiveness like such a problem right because we know that there are kind of two kinds of people in life they're the indecisive people like myself who have a couple of options I can do a or I can do B and I don't know there's like a has these pros and these cons and B has these pros and these cons and like I don't know how to make a decision I don't make

a decision and then as we're indecisive we procrastinate as we procrastinate the decision sort of becomes harder and then we're forced to choose we always end up choosing anyway but in that window of time in which we were indecisive something is lost we're not quite sure what is lost but it definitely feels like something is lost right and on the flip side we've got the decisive people these are the people who are like they just like make a decision right they're like oh like they're not struggling with indecision like they're confident they're decisive they just

make decisions they just go for it they're just living life because that's what it is right a decisive person is out there actually living life and an indecisive person is sitting back there not living life we're trying to live life but we just can't figure out which way to live it and so it's really challenging because we're trying to figure out okay how can I become this decisive person like how can I search this like living life instead of like stressing out about like what's the right decision and what's the wrong decision because let's be

clear what indecisiveness is about is if you really think about it it's like how do I make the right decision and how do I like what if it's the wrong decision right like what if I choose something but it's because that's why we can't choose like why can't we pick because if fundamental if you think about it you're afraid of making the wrong decision because if you weren't afraid of making the wrong decision there's no there's no indecisiveness and so indecisiveness is really tricky because usually the way that we approach it is we try to

like logic ourselves to the right decision right so what I'll do is I'll do something like I'll make a pro and con list and if you really think about why do we make pro and con lists we try to make Pro con lists because at the end of the list we hope that a decision will emerge right if I make a list of things pros and cons of choice a pros and cons of choice B My Hope is that at the end I can look at those two things I can see five Pros over here

and one con over here and two Pros over here and five cons over here and then the decision gets made for me so the really tricky thing is that a lot of the times we think we're trying to become more decisive but we're not actually becoming more decisive we're actually hoping to do is work our way towards not needing to make a decision we're working our way towards the decision being made for us because if we make a pro and con list if we talk to enough people if we do enough research then we will

find the right answer and then I won't have to make a decision because the decision will sort of be made for me does that kind of make sense that a lot of the ways that we deal with indecisiveness is that we like try to like bypass the problem we don't want to commit to making a decision and making it a wrong decision we're trying to trick ourselves into not making a decision at all and so it's kind of strange right but now we can sort of see why indecisiveness persists because we're never actually tackling the

indecisiveness what we're doing is trying to set up a situation where we never have to make a decision to begin with because it's so clearly the right decision that we don't have to overcome whatever that thing is and so now if we really want to understand okay how do I become more decisive let's start by understanding okay what is it that thing that we're actually trying to avoid what is it that makes it hard to make a decision so I want to give you all a very simple exercise the next time that you're indecisive about

something you've got two options just grab a coin and flip the coin and if it's heads you're going to choose option A and if it's Tails you're going to choose option b easy right if you're indecisive just flip a coin and let the coin decide now if you are even thinking about that and if you actually do it what you'll notice is actually something really really cool which is that the thought of flipping a coin is terrifying actually flipping the coin you're not even going to listen to what the coin says do you guys see

that as you think about flipping the coin or as you actually flip a coin what you'll notice is like this like feeling that starts in your gut and kind of comes into your throat makes you kind of want to vomit no you don't want to do it that way which is interesting right like if you really stop and think about it for a second you flip a coin it's not what you wanted to flip again wait hold on a second but then do you want it since you didn't like the first one or you can

go with the second one like you know it's like there's something weird going on inside you and so anytime you look at indecisiveness what you're actually going to find is what's at the root of it is actually a fear of regret because what makes a decision hard to make well what if it's the wrong decision right I have to make the right decision and I can't make the wrong decision because if I make the wrong decision then like it's the wrong decision and then I'm gonna suffer and I'm gonna regret and I'm gonna miss out

so if we really look at what indecisiveness is about it's not about indecisiveness or decisiveness it's about an inability to deal with regret from your decisions so what you're actually trying to do when you're struggling with indecisiveness is live a perfect life you're trying to live a life that's free of any regrets because here's your thinking if I make all the right decisions then I'll make the right decisions and then I won't have anything to regret and then I'll be happy and my happiness depends on the decision that I make that kind of make sense

so then what we can sort of conclude is that what we're thinking about with indecisiveness is I'm looking for the right decision and the more indecisive I am the more I want to be sure that I'm making the right decision because if I'm making the right decision then I will be happy and I won't miss out so if we kind of think about that for a second like okay what about people who are decisive if it follows that indecisive people are trying to make the right decision and we struggle and we're like oh my God

right we're thinking about it we're weighing pros and cons we're doing all this work to end up with the right decision and if there are people out there that are just making decisions right like they're people who go into restaurants that are just like ordering food and they're like what do you want and then they just shrug their shoulders and they're like you know what what's your favorite I'll get that there are people out there living life like that right but what if it's the wrong thing what if they don't like it and so we

would assume that okay so if the more time I spend making the decision away pros and cons list that I weigh my pros and cons I do a bunch of research that should lead to the right decision what should actually follow is that people who are decisive are actually making wrong decisions right because people are just like they're not really thinking about it they're not doing the research into flipping a coin they're just going out there living their life they're like yeah I'm gonna order this you know we should follow that people who are more

decisive are making wrong decisions like their decisions are flawed and so then we kind of think about it and we're like we don't want to make a wrong decision right that's why we're doing this and let's think through that for a second so why don't we want to make a wrong decision well if I don't want to make a wrong decision what happens if I make the wrong one what do I do then well decisions aren't forever right we kind of know that so if decisions aren't forever then what I can do if I I've

ordered the wrong thing then I can order something else or next time I'll get something else and let's say you pick something as a major you're trying to decide what to major and you decide you don't like it then you have to switch over to the other one and so what's the problem with that well it leads to inefficiency because the people who are indecisive like we don't want to weigh waste time right if I had made the right decision in the first place I wouldn't have wasted a year studying the wrong thing and so

we want to really avoid inefficiency right like because like I don't want to waste time okay so that sort of makes sense so then it follows that if I'm indecisive and I end up sort of picking the right thing then I'll be very efficient that's the goal of of you know making the right decision right so we don't have to like clean up our mess we don't have to change our course we don't have to waste any time Senate should also follow that people who are decisive are wasting more time they're more inefficient right it

kind of makes sense like if if the whole point of indecisiveness is to make sure we make the right choice and make sure that it's efficient then the people who are decisive should be making wrong choices all the time they should be course correcting all the time they should be living really inefficient lives that are filled with mistakes and regret but is that actually how they live do you feel like people who are decisive or screwing up left right and Center do you feel like they're incredibly inefficient they start one thing and then they do

something else like how does it feel well no it actually doesn't this is what's kind of weird right it's like wait a minute hold on the people who are deciding they don't seem to be operating in this really inefficient way like they seem to actually kind of like be relatively happy they kind of make a decision they sort of stick with it how does that work what's going on there because these people who are you know decisive they're sort of less afraid of regret right they're all kind of okay making a mistake but then why

aren't they making mistakes all the time and so that's where like we really have to Tunnel down and understand this as we look at people who are more decisive we begin to see that their lives actually seem to be having less mistakes right they don't seem to be like course correcting quite as much or they don't seem to be like filled with regret and like let's try to understand a little bit about what's going on there right so how is that if they're just sort of randomly choosing or maybe it's not randomly choosing but if

they're choosing without doing all this research then how is it that they're not making mistakes and I think something fundamental has happened and our society is getting way worse in this way and fundamentally what's happened is we've started to assume that the rightness of the or the wrongness of a particular course of action comes from the decision we've started to kind of surrender control of our ability to shape the outcome we've started to think that the rightness or wrongness comes from the decision as opposed to what we do with the decision and a great example

of this is online dating right so if you look at like online dating what we're sort of everyone is trying to make the right decision it's kind of like we're kind of looking at people and we're trying to find the right person because if I can check all the boxes then my relationship will be good we're trying to do make all that decision making up front we're trying to find the perfect person because it's the perfect person that leads to the perfect relationship right I need to find the one but actually if you look at

people and this is what's sort of interesting about growing up being Indian is I you know I come from a culture where arranged marriages happen and the thing about arranged marriages is you don't get to pick the perfect person like you don't you sort of try your family sort of tries but there's this attitude of like making the decision work right and this is what we've actually really this is the difference between an indecisive person and a decisive person is that the indecisive person tries to pick the right choice and the decisive person makes whatever

choice they pick work it's this idea that whatever you choose you can kind of make it work it's what you do after the decision that's really important and this is precisely why they don't end up sort of in bad places right because when a decisive person makes a decision it doesn't look like a mistake and why doesn't it look like a mistake because it's not because they made the right choice it's because what they did after the choice that decisiveness actually affects the outcome the outcome is not dictated by the choice it's dictated by what

you do after you make the choice so great example of this one of my favorite Dota 2 players this professional Dota 2 player is this guy named no-tail and my favorite quote from no tale is he kind of says that sometimes your team is doing stuff that's stupid like half of your team is making a stupid play and sometimes the only choice that you've got when your team is making a stupid play is to actually make it with them that decisive stupid plays Will outperform indecisive good plays which is really fascinating right because if you

really like look at that and this is a two-time TI Champion by the way so there's something maybe is on to something here I think the key thing though is that if we look at people who are decisive they find a way to make it work and instead of trying to make the right decision the outcome of the decision depends on what you do afterward and now let's kind of take a look at the flip side let's look at someone who makes an in who's very indecisive so if I'm indecisive and I'm trying to find

the right decision what happens in my psychology okay do I go with a or do I go with B do I date this person do I marry this person or do I marry this person which one do I do and if I'm indecisive about it right procrastinate I wait till the last minute and I pick something and as I pick that thing if I'm assuming that the decision correlates with the outcome and I'm procrastinating and I'm indecisive what do you think is going to happen what's going to be the outcome the outcome is going to

be bad and what is the indecisive person conclude when they pick something and the outcome is bad what they conclude and this is what's crazy is I made the wrong decision they get PTSD from making the wrong decision oh my God and then you regret right I should have chosen the other thing if I had chosen the other thing everything would have been fine so now you're traumatized by this the next time that you make it have to make a decision what happens that trauma is front and center I don't want to make that mistake

again I'm afraid of that regret I made a mistake now you're indecisive again you don't know you make a bunch of pros and cons you try your level best to get other people to convince you which one is right because then you don't have to make the decision you don't have to be indecisive you want to make it a slam dunk right but you're still indecisive and you end up picking something else and now this time because once again you're indecisive about it what ends up happening you make the decision you hope it'll work out

this time but let me ask you all something if your strategy in life is I hope it'll work out for me what do you think your outcomes are going to be they're gonna be crap and so again you screw up the outcome is crap it's inefficient you have to make a change and so once again you're like oh crap I made the wrong decision the fear of regret increases minor trauma the next time a decision rolls around I gotta make the right decision because I've made the wrong decision two times in a row and so

the cycle repeats itself and you become more and more and more indecisive and it all tunnels down to first of all what is it that makes it hard to make a decision the fear of regret the fear of making a mistake secondly it's the indecision itself that correlates with the poor outcome it's the idea that I can make the choice and if I make the right choice I can mentally check out Bros I found the perfect person I found the perfect person on the planet which means that my relationship will be successful because I found

the one right it's about picking the right thing it's not about how you play out the relationship and so if you're really struggling with indecision couple of things you need to understand the first is that it's the fear of regret that's actually that resistance you're afraid of making a mistake second thing you've got to understand is that mistakes are completely normal there's no way to avoid making mistakes and you're like I don't know which one is right for me there's no right for you or wrong for you like any time you go to a restaurant

I'll tell you how I struggle with this kind of bizarre but I really like tacos and I struggle there's a huge the gigantic problem I struggle with every single day every time I want to eat a taco do I go to the place where I know I like tacos or do I try a new place because the new place could have better tacos but if I go to that place and the tacos aren't as good I could have eaten at my favorite taco place and thus my my happiness in life has has been forever diminished

because I've eaten one subpar taco meal when I could have had a good taco meal but if I go to my favorite taco place what if I'm missing out what if this taco place I think it's a 10 but it's actually only a nine and a ten lives out there there's a there's an even better and even more delicious taco place that exists out in the world so much indecision instead just pick a taco place if it's not enjoyable what's the harm you can go back to the other you're never gonna go again and if

you find a new place and it's great it's so easy right so don't be afraid of inefficiency you've got to make changes you're gonna make pivots don't be afraid of making the wrong choice because the choice the wrongness isn't in the choice it's in what you do after you make the choice you're so terrified about inefficiency but that's like it's kind of part of life right so I can also be someone who can sort of say like I've made a lot of inefficient choices in my life I.E failing out of college and playing too many

video games and all that good stuff spending three years applying to medical school like starting medical school at the age of 28 so much inefficiency and here's what I'm telling you it kind of doesn't matter right and this is what's really interesting about people who are decisive it's people who are decisive the reason that you can afford to be decisive is because if you can make the wrong choice you have the capacity to Pivot so if you're struggling with indecisiveness start by understanding that it's a fear of regret second thing you've got to understand is

that there is no right choice or wrong choice there's just the choice that you make each choice is going to have advantages and disadvantages it's what you do after you make the choice that makes it the outcome a good outcome or a bad outcome it's even baked into our language because we'll say is this the right choice or the wrong choice like the rightness and the wrongness precede the choice do you all see that where whereas what we're really missing here is the rightness or wrongness doesn't come from the choice it comes from what comes

after a little bit of inefficiency is totally fine even a lot of inefficiency is totally fine it's just the price of tuition so if you want to be a little bit more decisive you've got to be a little bit more open to making mistakes and the huge irony here is as you become open to making mistakes you're able to fully commit as you're able to fully commit you actually that results in fewer mistakes which is why we see these people who are decisive who are making all these decisions without sort of thinking about all the

inefficiencies without all of this regret and somehow they seem to be making the right decisions because they're not making mistakes and their life they seem to be enjoying themselves they seem to be productive and it's like wait how are they making all these right choices and that's the huge Paradox is that it's the way that you commit to a decision that ultimately determines what the outcome is so if you're struggling with indecision stop trying to make the right choice you can't make the right choice you can just make a choice and the more that you

commit to that choice the more that you're willing to Pivot the more that you're willing to and you may say that's kind of weird what about commitment and pivot you commit to the choice and then if you need to Pivot then you're decisive about the pivot right it's better to commit to a choice and be be decisive about the choice and decisive about the pivot than it is to be indecisive about both of those things should I stay should I quit should I break up with this person should I stay in this person I've been

in this relationship for three years I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do so completely flip it on on its head and you'll be amazed at what your life turns into because the last thing that I'll share with you is that you don't have to live a perfect life life is actually completely enjoyable if you don't eat the tastiest tacos every single day you can actually afford to eat subpar tacos and you'll be totally fine this is what I've learned after 40 years on this Earth

so hopefully this has been a little bit helpful to you I know it's kind of weird but really pay attention to the source of your indecisiveness and recognize that it's not the choice that determines the outcome foreign