Wife Invited Her Whole Family to Live With Us for Free Without Asking Me, We Fought and She...

Wife invited her whole family to live with us for free without asking me. We fought, and she called me an orphan loser. So, I secretly did something they never expected: I recently ended the lease agreement on my house and moved out without telling my wife.

I know that right off the bat I do look like the ah, but I had my reasons. So, I hope you guys give me a chance and hear me out before any sort of judgment. My wife Kathy (30F) and I (31M) have been together for the past 6 years and married for two.

She and I have always had a normal relationship, and the only bone of contention, so to speak, has been her family. They are quite a big family, with her parents and three siblings, and they've always lived together in a pretty large house that her grandfather had left for them. She's very close to her family, and I don't mind that.

I actually appreciate it, because I haven't really grown up in a healthy family environment myself. However, in the past couple of months, I feel like I have grown a bit distant from them because they were constantly trying to talk Cathy and me into trying to get pregnant. We had explained to them quite a few times that we were just not ready to have kids yet, but that did not deter them at all.

Every time we visited them or they visited us, someone or the other would bring it up and start talking about it—probably in the hopes that we would consider it and start trying to get pregnant. It would have been forgivable if it had been just her parents, since they are older and maybe think differently, but even her siblings would hop on the bandwagon and would often try to convince us that having kids was the greatest idea. I don't know what it was; maybe they just romanticized the idea of having a huge and happy family, but it was just not realistic since neither of us was ready yet.

Personally, I wanted to speak to them and let them know that it was not okay for them to be constantly bringing it up with us, especially when we had made it clear that we were not ready, since it made both of us quite uncomfortable and sometimes even annoyed. However, Cathy wanted to go a different way, and the way she wanted to deal with this situation was by not dealing with it at all. She told me that her family had always been involved in her life, and even now they expected that they would have a say in things like this, but they didn't have any bad intentions, so we should just let it go.

I didn't like the idea of not even saying anything because I knew that it would mean having to listen to them talk about this some more, but I didn't want to hurt, so we decided to drop it and didn't say anything to them. Whenever they would bring up the topic of having kids and stuff, we would just nod and smile and let it go until they dropped the topic themselves. That's why I had been finding it very hard to get along with them in the past couple of months and had been distancing myself from them.

However, two weeks ago, something very unfortunate happened: they had a major fire at their house. It's in the process of getting reconstructed right now, and it's going to take a few months. Insurance has it all covered, so they don't need to worry about the money going into it either, but what they didn't need to worry about was the temporary accommodation that they would need, since their insurance plan would cover them just about a couple of weeks, and after that, they would be on their own and have to spend out of their own pockets.

On top of that, all my siblings-in-law had also been living in the same house, as is the norm in Cathy's family. Nobody really moves out until they absolutely have to or really want to—like Kathy only moved out when she decided that she wanted to stay with me before marriage. This way, they don't have to worry about rent, and in today's economy, I totally understand that.

What I don't understand is why her siblings can't find a place of their own to live at the moment and have to tag along with their parents wherever they go. It had become a problem for me because Kathy decided to invite her parents to come stay with us so they wouldn't have to spend any money on accommodations. Since obviously, we were not going to ask them for rent, had it been just them, I would have been fine with it, even though Kathy hadn't even discussed this with me before asking them.

But she also told me that it wouldn't be just her parents coming to stay with us, but also her siblings, and they wouldn't be paying rent either. I had a huge problem with that because it's not like her siblings are really young; they are all in their 20s and are working right now, so it's definitely not like they cannot afford to pay rent. I think it's unreasonable to expect that just the two of us will be able to handle taking care of all the expenses of a family of almost seven adults, including ourselves.

It was an impossible task, and there was no way that we would be able to avoid burning through our savings if we did not ask them to contribute to the household expenses. And I didn't mean just rent; I meant groceries, utilities, and whatever other costs were incurred during their stay. If they couldn't afford that, it would be better for.

. . them to find separate accommodation for themselves because there was no way that I was going to allow Cathy's entire family to move in and live on our dime for the next couple of months.

That's when Kathy started throwing a tantrum and told me that I was being selfish, even though I really don't think that was the case. I thought I was being perfectly reasonable because I did not see any reason why her entire family needed to come over and stay with us for free for the next couple of months, or why she had even invited them to do so knowing that we would definitely not be able to afford that kind of thing. For context, I work in marketing and she's a high school teacher, and together, with the kind of income that we bring home, we might be able to support her parents and let them live with us for free for the next couple of months, but her siblings are out of the question.

I kept trying to explain to her that they have jobs and they earn enough money to find places of their own, that they are adults and they will be fine. But she kept insisting that she had to have her whole family over because she wanted to be there for them in such tough circumstances, and she had already told them that they would not need to pay for anything while they were staying here. So, she wasn't even willing to go back on her word and ask them to contribute if they wanted to stay with us, since that would make us seem like cheapskates.

Never mind the fact that we would actually go broke if we tried to live up to what she promised them. Without even thinking, she cared more about what they thought than about our own circumstances. So, we just kept arguing about it for a good half an hour.

I tried my best to keep my cool, but it started to get really difficult because she just didn't get my point at all and kept making it sound like I was the one who didn't understand. Eventually, she just snapped at me and told me that I was never going to understand and that it was foolish of her to expect me to even try and sympathize with her because I was just an orphaned loser and I was never going to get what she was feeling. That hit me really hard because everyone who knows me knows that it's a really sore spot for me.

I lost my parents in a car accident when I was little, around the age of nine, and then I was passed around from relative to relative and didn't have a proper home until my dad's uncle decided to adopt me at 13 just so that I would have a permanent home. He was nice enough to me, but there was no emotional connection since he was too busy with work, and the only reason he had even adopted me was because my grandparents were getting up there in age and nobody else was ready to take care of me on a permanent basis. Unfortunately, I lost him to cancer as well a couple of years ago, and since then, I don't really have any parental figures to look up to.

My parents and my family, or their lack thereof, are a trigger for me, and Cathy, of all people, knows that really well. So, I guess that's why she decided to hit me where it hurts when she said that to me while arguing. I was so shocked that I just didn't say anything to her or in general for the next couple of hours.

I went to my office and locked myself in, and I kept hoping that she would walk in, apologize, or something, or at least try to speak to me, but she didn't. I thought that maybe she would come back to me the next day, but even then she just left for work and didn't even look back. I was really disappointed and had a total breakdown, after which I decided that I was going to leave.

It was a really low blow, and if she didn't even feel sorry about it, it meant that she clearly did not love or respect me as much as I thought she did because if I had been in her place, no matter how angry I felt, I would never say something like that. So, that day while she was at work, I decided to stay back home and speak to the landlord and told him that I wanted to end my lease. He told me that he would arrange for it, and after that was confirmed, I started packing my things.

With a couple of clothes and other essential belongings that I would absolutely need, I drove to a friend's house, and since then, I've been staying with him. Even after I left and did not come back, Kathy did not try to reach out to me, and it felt as if this made no difference to her at all. Even if I did, it was probably not as important to her as it was to prioritize her own ego.

I've been pretty miserable for the past couple of days ever since last week since I left home and had been contemplating speaking to a lawyer about divorce because at this stage, I don't see the point of staying together since she has made it very clear that she is perfectly fine without me as well. Honestly, our last fight really left a bitter taste in my mouth. My feelings on this situation had already been quite complicated and after speaking to Cathy yesterday, I'm even more confused about what to do because a few days back, I finally ended the lease agreement with my landlord and he I approached Kathy to discuss this with her since now she was going to be the primary tenant of the property, and that's how she found out that not only had I moved out, but I had also ended the agreement without her knowing.

That was why she had called me up, and when I answered the phone, she immediately started yelling at me and told me that I had taken things too far by doing this. Apparently, after the fight that we had last week, she had called her parents the very next day and told them that she would only be able to allow them to stay with us, and her siblings would have to find places of their own. By doing that, she also ended up in a fight with them, and because she had gone back on her word, her family thought that she was giving me more importance than them, so they were also not speaking to her anymore.

However, I didn't know that since I hadn't bothered to speak to her, and I had been very upset about how she had treated me and what she had said, so I had left without a word. Both of us had kept waiting for the other to apologize or to reach out, and that had created a bit of an ugly situation because now I had already signed off on ending the lease, and she had to find out about it from the landlord and not me. Both of us knew for a fact that she wouldn't be able to afford the rent on her own salary since she earned significantly less than I did, and she thought that it was really cold of me to put her in that position because I knew that she would have to give up the house if she couldn't afford the rent.

She told me that she was really sorry about the comment that she had made and whatever she had said while she was fighting with me, but the least that I could have done for her was inform her or try to talk to her before taking such a huge step. While we were on the call, she even started crying, and that made me feel really awkward, but I stood my ground and told her that I needed some time to think about what I wanted to do because what had already been done could not be reversed. She kept requesting me to come back, but I told her that I needed some time to think things over.

That was yesterday, and this evening, a couple of hours ago, even her family members reached out to me to apologize on her behalf. They told me that they were sorry about everything, especially for not respecting my boundaries and putting us both in a difficult position, and they also said that they hoped I would be able to work it out with Kathy. Now, the only thing I am in a dilemma about is whether I did the right thing by leaving the house and ending the lease without even speaking to Kathy because I knew for a fact that she wouldn't be able to afford the rent on her own.

I guess, somewhere deep down, I wanted to hurt her as well. She and the rest of our family have been messaging me to go back home to her because I owe her a conversation about this at the very least; however, I'm not sure if they are doing it because they really want us to work things out or if it's just because of the house since nobody wants to end up looking for a new place to live on such short notice. I had a fairly normal relationship with my in-laws so far, and I generally did not have any issues with them until they started pushing Kathy and me to have kids.

Even then, I tried my best to have a cordial relationship with them but kept my distance and didn't interact with them as frequently as we used to. Right now, my in-laws are staying in a hotel, and Kathy's siblings are staying with their friends. It's a pretty convenient arrangement for all of them, and they can just continue to stick to it until their house is fully reconstructed.

But from what Kathy told me, they had their hearts set on the idea of staying with us and were quite offended when she told them that it would not be possible anymore because I was not fine with it. After hearing my concerns, even though she had argued with me in the heat of the moment, she did see where I was coming from. But apparently, her parents and her siblings did not feel the same way and had ended up fighting with her because not only was she going back on her word, but they also found it quite unfair that even if they came over to stay with us, we would expect them to pull their weight around the house and contribute to the expenses.

They had told her that this is not how family treats each other, and Kathy had tried to defend me, but they started lecturing her for that as well because they thought they were being pushed into a corner because of my influence on Kathy. They even brought up how they were being sidelined all the time by me by talking about the baby thing, even though Kathy did not want kids right now either. I guess that's why they decided to reach out to me and apologize as well since they felt responsible for making the fight worse by guilt-tripping Kathy.

That was why it had taken her so long to reach out to me, or maybe she wouldn't even have done that and would have allowed the situation to play out on its own, but contacted me because she had found out that I had ended the lease agreement. Update one: Hi. So, I decided to speak to Cathy about what was to be done regarding this situation.

The last time that we spoke was three days ago, and that was on the phone. Since then, I have spoken to several of my friends and gone through the comments here, and most people seem to be of the opinion that while I was NTA for whatever I did, I still owe her a conversation, at the very least, if I do want to make this marriage work. For the past three days, she and her family have been constantly messaging me, telling me to speak to her because they know that we can make it work.

So I decided to finally respond to her, and I honestly did not have a plan about what I was going to say to her or how I was going to deal with this. I just decided that I was going to be honest with her, and whatever happens, happens. So this morning, I texted her back, and I told her that I was ready to meet her in the evening after work.

I went over to our house directly after work, and as soon as she opened the door to me, she hugged me and started crying and told me that she was really sorry about what she had said. That was a bit surprising, but it was also quite relieving for me to know that she had been affected by this, because it had been breaking my heart to think that maybe she didn't care about us at all. After she backed away, we sat down to have a proper conversation.

She told me that she wanted to start off by apologizing once again, especially for the comment that she had made because it was particularly hurtful and below the belt, and she hadn't stopped regretting it ever since those words had left her mouth. But she had been too proud and angry to apologize at the time, and by the next day, she had spoken to her family and gotten into a fight with them as well. So things were going particularly badly for her, and that's why she kept delaying the apology until she realized that it might get too late.

As soon as the landlord had spoken to her about me ending the lease, she decided to reach out to me because she really did not want to give up on our marriage and she was willing to do whatever it took to make things right. She told me that she was determined to make it work and fix her mistakes because she knew that she had been in the wrong all along. I have got to say, the way she handled the situation today, I really hadn't seen it coming.

I had thought that she was going to try and pass off the blame to me somehow or at least get defensive or something, because that's what had happened the last time that we fought. This time, though, I felt like I was back with the Cathy that I had known for so many years and not the person who had really emotionally hurt me during our last fight. I had been pretty upset with her in the past couple of days ever since we fought, but today I felt better about everything, especially about my decision to come to see her and talk to her, because had I not done that, maybe we wouldn't have been sitting together and talking it out.

Obviously, just trying to talk it out is not going to solve all our problems, and we acknowledged that as well. I told her that she had really hurt me with whatever she had said the other day while we were fighting, and she told me that she knew. She explained to me that her family had been counting on her, and while trying to think about them, she had unintentionally sidelined me, and that had become a problem in the recent past because she was constantly trying to look out for their feelings and not hurt them.

But in the process, I was getting pushed to the corner, and she realized that now. So we addressed it as well, and after talking about it for a bit, she told me that she felt a lot of pressure on her from her family all the time and she felt like she constantly had to make sure that she did not hurt them, even if it came at the cost of being honest with them. If she was being honest, she could see my point even while she was fighting with me, but she just did not want to admit it because that would mean saying no to her family.

Even with the topic of children and stuff, it was the same thing; she just couldn't be honest with them because she didn't want to hurt them, and they were not the kind of family who took these things lightly either, since you guys already know that they had also fought with Kathy because she had gone back on her word. But she had to stand her ground, because otherwise she would have lost me. Now that things have come to a stage where her family's stubbornness is affecting our marriage, we decided that it was time to deal with it and let them know that they cannot push their boundaries constantly.

So we have decided that she's going to speak to her family and sort things out with them, and in the meantime, I'm going to be looking. . .

For couples counseling because I think we could do better with it. A lot of my friends have also suggested it to me since it's very obvious that I really want to make it work with Kathy. We've been together for a long time, and this is the first major snag that we have hit.

So, I believe that we can still make it work since it hasn't been something very extreme. I know this decision might not sit well with a lot of people, but I think our marriage is worth giving a chance because I've known Kathy for the longest time, and I know what kind of person she is. So, I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing.

And, of course, after she's done speaking to her family, things are going to change for the better on that front as well. Update 2: Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all the comments and support on my last update; it was really nice.

Like I had said, Kathy and I decided to sort out our differences, so I moved back in, and we are going to go back to how we used to live. Of course, we are still going to go for couples counseling as soon as we find somebody who suits our needs. We are in the process of looking right now, but decided to rip the Band-Aid off a couple of days ago with her family.

Unfortunately, it did not go well, but it went exactly as I had expected it to go. Kathy went by herself to go visit them so she could speak with them in person because we didn't think that my being there was going to help the situation and might even make them even more upset. She was with her family for almost 2 hours, and when she came back, she looked exhausted and really upset, so I knew that things hadn't gone down well.

Kathy told me that as soon as she had told them that she wanted them to not push their boundaries with her constantly because it made both of us really uncomfortable, and after our recent fight, it was clear that it had been affecting our marriage as well. They started freaking out at her and badmouthing me as well. They thought that I was being selfish and narcissistic by making it seem like they were the problem, even though they were just acting like her family and relying on their daughter.

When Kathy tried to defend me, they started going off on her as well, saying that she had been brainwashed by me and didn't even know what she was saying. They just kept talking in circles and arguing until Kathy gave up and told them that she had decided what she wanted, and it was for them to back off and not constantly over-involve themselves in her life and not take offense just because she couldn't bend over backward for them. Her family got really upset, and they told her that they were going to maintain the boundaries by not speaking to her at all from now on because it was obvious that she and I were way too sensitive and self-centered to care about them or their feelings.

After that, Kathy left because there was no point in speaking to them anymore, and the family meeting was done and dusted. But she's not entirely unhappy with how things turned out, because even though it did not go well, at least she stood up for herself and spoke her mind. So, we are pretty proud of her for that, and now, if her family decides not to speak to her, it's their loss and not hers.

She has always prioritized them whenever she can and tried to be there for her family, but if they can't see that, then I guess we really know who the real self-centered people are here. Update 3: Hi guys! So, it has been 3 months since Kathy and I started marriage counseling, and it has been going pretty well so far.

We are communicating more and trying to understand each other, and even when we have petty arguments, we sort it out immediately because we don't allow things to build up. Her family has still not spoken to her after that last update, but I guess they're going to reach out to us pretty soon since Kathy recently discovered that she is pregnant. We haven't made any announcement yet because it's pretty early on in the pregnancy, and we want to wait it out until we start telling people.

Only really close friends of ours know about it, and we trust them because we know they're not going to tell anybody else. In case after we announce the pregnancy, her family doesn't reach out to us, it's all well and good. But if they do, both Kathy and I have decided that we are going to have to tell them to back off until Kathy herself is ready to speak to them and sort out the differences, and that's not going to be possible while she is pregnant.

So, they're going to have to wait until after the baby is born, and possibly even longer, because she is not a doormat for them. Since they have not bothered to reach out to her so far, they're going to have to wait for her to be ready if they want to have any sort of relationship with their grandkid. However, keeping all of that aside, Kathy and I have never been happier because even though we haven't been planning for it, it happened organically and at the right time.

Of course, we were really stressed out when we found out, but after a couple of days, we came to terms with it, and we were even happy. I don't know if it had anything to do with our renewed faith in our marriage. But for some reason, even though we were not ready until a couple of months ago, we felt ready now.

Or maybe, I guess it's just easier to deal with things when people are not constantly pushing you to deal with it. But whatever the case is, Kathy and I are really happy, and we are looking forward to this new chapter of our life.