Why young adults don’t need your advice | Terry Nguyễn | TEDxDeerfield

[Music] [Applause] do you know any young adults who are wrestling with uncertainty or anxiety as they transition into adulthood this has always been a challenging developmental phase but especially now postco for a generation that's been socially isolated during key formative years their teens it's something that I've encountered personally as a pediatrician where my 18 and older patients keep coming back they return looking for help despite being quote adults are they returning for my adult medical expertise unlikely they are mostly looking for a trusted non-parent who knows and understands them and many cases since birth perhaps

you've experienced your young adult returning home from a tough day you sense that something is off yet they divulge minimal information during your interrogation [Music] session reflexively your problem solving parent mode kicks in and you share your for Pearls of Wisdom also known as advice which then Falls flat what just happened they needed you to fix everything in their lives up until now when did the rules change how come you didn't get the memo too often we parents are caught up in our own stories we're well-intentioned we want to help our children avoid repeating our

mistakes but that's more about us than it is about them isn't it think back how often did you listen to your parents' advice in high school or college even more likely you rolled your eyes close your ears and shut them out the advice was too predictable too judgy times haven't changed that much have they do you recall Alfred the Butler from Batman Alfred often stood silently behind dark curtains he didn't appear until Batman's Alter Ego Bruce Wayne had a specific request only then would Alfred step out of the Shadows offering a tray with exactly what

was needed for the occasion and then he disappeared again be Alfred for your young adult what young people need more than ever are safe spaces and supportive coaches along their adulting Journey pediatricians are health coaches similar to sports coaches we're trained to listen meet patients where they are and collaborate with them to create a care plan that they are invested in as your young adults transition into adulthood parents can adopt a similar approach that's right parents need to evolve as as well alongside their teens from that of manager to coach the most successful college basketball

coach of all time Tara Vander the women's basketball coach at Stanford University for 40 years made history this past January as the coach with the most wins in the history of the NCAA surpassing Duke's men's basketball coach Kay who help the record prior amazing her teams win about 82% of their games what's her Secret Sauce how does coach tea dog as she is affectionately known on campus consistently Inspire and motivate her athletes what's her Secret Sauce in an interview with the New York Times she shared her recipe recognize everyone's different understand where they're at maximize

people's strengths and minimize their weaknesses don't micromanage seek input take risks and experiment in other words effective coaching is a collaborative partnership not a dictatorship I was lucky to encounter a great coach early on in medical school one of my pathology professors we had to meet because I failed Yes you heard that right failed my first exam I felt demoralized one of my worst fears failure had become a reality yet when I sat nervously down with this grandfatherly professor he put me at ease right away he didn't pontificate or offer generic reassurances instead instead he

took the time to listen and learn about me and my dreams he seemed familiar with student setbacks he created a safe space for easy conversation self-reflection and validation most importantly I felt heard and understood he believed in my vision to have a broader impact Beyond clinical medicine and he opened doors to start me on my my way with his help and that of a Dean we figured a way to combine my medical degree with a master's degree in Health policy and management at the same time and without additional tuition wowers double bonus who knew a

failure could end like this as I later learned from Adam Grant the renowned organizational psychologist my professor created the scaffold of support needed after a setback to continue moving forward on my journey indeed a great coach can help you rebound elevate your game and help you soar coaches maximize their athletes innate potential through physical and mindset training a rule of thumb from psychology is that you need three positive thoughts for every one negative thought to maintain a positive mindset three to one that takes dedicated practice and while we all know when it's time to hit

the gym nobody talks much about mental Fitness what is mental Fitness by the way you might say mental Fitness is the capacity to respond to Life's challenges with a positive growth mindset as in cup half full rather than a negative scarcity mindset cup half empty it's not taught in the classroom and most of us don't know where to start but it can be learned from an effective coach mental Fitness training begins with tuning into your inner wisdom and tuning out your inner critic young adults have a reservoir of inner wisdom they need support to discover

it for themselves so how can we adults help encourage taking risks developing agency and accepting failures as necessary steps in the process Perfection isn't the goal focus on Mastery instead just like in a gym where reps are essential it's repeatedly overcoming challenges that build confidence and resilience young adults are in training to master the skill of adulting there is no shortcut they must experience the adventure for themselves I often remind my patients parents to pass over the keys to their young adult move to the passenger seat zip your lips sit on your hands and enjoy

the ride literally Close Your Eyes Only step on the emergency break if death is imminent there's a reason there's that break in driver's said you're now not really believing me you may be thinking easier said than done Dr Terry absolutely I'm in the midst of this adventure with my two young adult children ages 17 and 20 and it's been the wildest ride has your young adult ever experienced a serious romantic relationship that perhaps triggered your parental anxiety some of you may be familiar with this feeling and for those of you who haven't allow me to

share my easygoing son whose superpower is making friends with anyone anywhere met a love interest late in high school following the rough period of covid social isolation hooray I thought something normal at last I met his lovely girlfriend several times and sensed she was well h a bit further along her adulting journey than him though he was all smiles I noticed telltale signs that signaled a potential breakup I repeatedly suppressed my urges to share my Pearls of Wisdom after all I had to practice what I preached zip up Terry and sit on your hands be

Alfred after several breakups and makeups where they agreed to remain friends and between my son had experienced enough of the roller coaster ride and he reluctantly stepped off the relationship ended my even killed optimistic son was indeed heartbroken and I couldn't do or say anything to lessen his pain or pass the time quicker what was I able to provide an ear to listen when he permitted I was even allowed to give the occasional hug but no advice passed my lips this was a nerve-wracking ride for me in the passenger seat with my son driving but

it was a right of passage that had to be experienced at some point what was my positive reframe at least it happened while he had his support network physically nearby rather than thousands of miles away parents let's embrace our new role as coaches when your young adult comes into your room knocking on your door often late at night pause and ask would you like to be heard helped or hugged heard helped or hugged that knock on your door is a gift and an opportunity for connection accept it graciously listen with empathy and curiosity validate their

thoughts and feelings rather than trying to fix the situation pose questions to facilitate itate self-reflection and help them Reach their own aha moment often times unloading their emotional burden provides relief in itself no fixing needed believe in them so they will believe in themselves again be Alfred I urge you the next time you feel that burning impulse to be the parent manager on autopilot fix and offering advice instead activate the more effective parent coach meet your young adults where they are one pause don't react immediately two listen without interruption listen with curiosity and empathy three

validate thoughts and feelings four for facilitate deeper self-reflection and help them arrive at their own aha moment five believe in them let's commit to muscle memory pause listen validate facilitate and believe repeat pause listen validate facilitate believe you got this Al thank you for listening [Applause] [Music] [Applause]