Why WOMEN pick FIGHTS: anger is reassuring

I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psych Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is why women pick fights so this can be an exasperating phenomenon for a lot of the men out there especially those in relationships why is it that your woman seems to create unnecessary difficulties why does she pick fights over small and insignificant things well I'm here to explain to you why that might be the case the key to understanding this phenomen on is appreciating that emotion is reinforcing I didn't say positive emotion was reinforcing I said emotion

was reinforcing emotion of all kinds is reinforcing to women you see this kind of response in children as well for example most children would rather experience negative attention than no attention at all and this is what in part creates class clowns in grade school or rebellious teenagers and Adolescence they would rather experience a parents annoyance or judgment or anger or even rejection than being functionally invisible to them so emotion is reinforcing that is it's rewarding with that in mind we can also appreciate the truth of the converse if all emotion is reinforcing then it's not

negative emotion that is punishing it's the absence of emotion that is punishing indeed one of the most difficult things for a woman to tolerate in a relationship is the absence of emotion the absence of emotion is experienced by most women as punitive as punishing this is why if you ever want a certain Behavior to disappear it's better to respond with a neutral non-reinforcing reaction than to respond with anger or frustration the more unemotional the response the less likely the eliciting behavior will be repeated in the future and this is because the absence of emotion is

punishing and this is where a lot of guys get into trouble because men in part due to their temperament and in part due to socialization are generally not very emotionally expressive what's more a man isn't always prepared to engage with a woman more or less on demand sometimes he's tired sometimes he's preoccupied sometimes he just wants to be left alone in fact there seem to be some important gender differences in how men and women tend to respond to emotional stressors whereas women generally prefer to talk things out in order to feel better men often prefer

to like withdraw into the Batcave to solve the problem men like to go inside to isolate to incubate and to resolve the problem internally before emerging with a solution or at least a plan of action of course it would be very helpful for women to understand that when men are disinterested in interacting with them it doesn't necessarily mean that they have a problem with them they just have a problem it's occupying their attention and they don't want to cope with the problem in the same way that women do and indeed it is probably in everyone's

best interests if the man and the woman can gently avoid each other for a while while the man goes through his process unfortunately many women push harder for connection at these times mostly because they are treating their men the way that they would like to be treated if they were in the same situation and this typically creates an escalating crisis because when a woman attempts to interact with a man in this state she is met with a relative absence of emotion as the man has begun to withdraw within himself and this withdraw will typically be

experienced by the woman as punishing especially if she tends to be more anxious or insecure she might begin to worry that something is wrong and now the man has a new problem on his hands that he didn't have before now before I go any further if you're liking what you're hearing please consider sending this episode to someone who might benefit from its message because it's Word of Mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and you can also hit the thanks button and tip me in proportion to the value you feel

you've received from this message it's your donations that help to keep the lights on I don't do corporate sponsorships or product placements so I really count on your support and I really appreciate it thank you now when people are insecure or anxious they tend to seek reassurance that everything is okay and one of the ways that women can seek reassurance in relationships is by picking fights I understand that from a masculine perspective this sounds ridiculous but there is actually some validity to this perspective namely an angry response reassures that you still care allow me to

explain back in the day I got into a lot of trouble when I was a kid sometimes when I came home after getting up to no good my dad would yell and scream and send me to my room and take away my privileges and so on and it's like that sucked and my dad wasn't my favorite person in those moments however once or twice I came home and told him what I got up to and brace myself from the worst and nothing happened he just kind of sat there quiet and exhausted and I asked him

well aren't she going to punish me and he just said no and turned away and let me tell you that's when I got really nervous like I got scared that I had crossed the line once in for all and I was going to be put up for adoption do you understand my father's anger wasn't nearly as distressing as his lack of anger because when people can no longer be bothered to get angry you can be fairly certain that the relationship is on its last legs so if you're concerned that someone might be pulling away or

someone might be looking for the door one way to potentially seek reassurance of their continued commitment is to provoke their anger because in a way you demonstrate that the other is still invested enough to respond emotionally on the other hand if you were to respond to these provocations with boredom or indifference then her anxiety is likely going to go through the roof and this explains the otherwise puzzling phenomenon that when a woman is out of sorts picks a fight with you and actually succeeds in making you angry she feels better I know every man out

there has experienced this she feels better as soon as your woman succeeds in making you angry it's like all of her own anxiety and uncertainty just evaporates allowing her to go on her Merry way and since it generally takes men longer to return to emotional Baseline than women this leads to the psychotic experience of dealing with someone who just an hour ago was spiteful and aggressive and who is now sweet and playful and acting like nothing happened this happens because your anger reassured her which allowed her to move past her anxiety and insecurity now do

women do this consciously and intentionally I'm sure that some of them do however I'm also sure that most of them don't and that's because most people are not conscious and intentional so if it's true of people it's going to be true of women that might not make the phenomenon any easier to navigate though it could potentially help you men respond effectively if you believe that your woman isn't acting out of any particular malice though of course there are malicious women in the world but it's better to start by giving her the benefit of the doubt

and escalating appropriately than to proceed in the opposite direction in a future episode I'll discuss how to never fight with a woman however this is enough for today what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like the priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation as always thank you for listening