The Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship that Lasts | Maya Diamond | TEDxOakland

so wonderful to be here every 13 seconds a couple in the United States is breaking up so why are so many couples falling apart while other couples are able to maintain their love and intimacy for a lifetime the relationships that lasts and thrive all have one thing in common emotional responsiveness now this may sound simple and obvious however it's not I believe that if everyone knew the importance of being emotionally responsive there wouldn't be so many couples devolving into criticism and fighting and singles unable to find a great partner now here's what a lack of

emotional responsiveness looks like in a relationship your partner comes home from a long day at work says a quick hello to you and your kid you ask your partner how their day was they say great they ask you the same question and as you share the events of the day your partner looks away and shows zero signs that what you're saying matters you aren't sure if they heard what you said or cared or if they're just too emotionally stuck back at the office really hear you does any of this sound familiar to you now here's

a picture of what healthy emotional responsiveness looks like in action your partner comes home from a long day at work you ask them how their day was they say great your partner says how was your day and you say I had to take max out of school because he threw up then he took a long nap and woke up crying and screaming I'm so glad you're home it was a really tough day I didn't get any work done your partner says Oh sweetie I'm so sorry to hear that let me cook dinner for us and

is there anything else I can do for you exhausted but happy to be seen and heard you respond thanks honey and melts into the warm embrace of your partner's arms and as you do some of your day's challenges melts away with it in this second example your partner comes home and is genuinely interested in your day and it's tuned in to where you're at when you express vulnerability around the challenges of your day your partner offers support and treats you as the priority not just like Max's caregiver when you're really connected your relationship improves and

what's more your sex life improves with it imagine if every time you were having a fight with your partner instead you were having really great sex sounds pretty good huh according to dr. sue Johnson the founder of emotionally focused therapy emotional responsiveness contains these three crucial elements number one accessibility which means are you there when I call for you are you available when I need you number two responsiveness which means can you celebrate the good times wait with me and when I'm having a hard time can you soothe me and number three is engagement which

means am I your priority do you value me and can I feel that in our interactions your level of emotional responsiveness can truly make or break your relationship quite honestly if people gave emotional responsiveness as much weight as a hot body or a six-figure salary when choosing their partner we'd have a lot fewer breakups can you imagine if a potential partner like our friend Robert here wrote this on his Bumble profile in 20 years when you have more gray hair and wrinkles I still promise to hit on you find you sexy and really listen when

you tell me about your day I would have swiped right when I see and my work is that most people didn't receive a high level of emotional responsiveness in childhood and when looking for a partner they often have a hard time finding it so how did we get here you asked the philosopher decart in the 17th century put forth the belief that the mind and the body are completely separate as a result Western thought D prioritized emotions the mind took precedence and the emotional realm became less important than thoughts and reason it's common to hear

the phrase she's so needy or I don't want to be needy and turn him off and so we have learned as a culture to relegate emotions and needs as less important our culture has taught us independence is the ultimate goal but the truth is we need each other in order to thrive attachment theory and neuroscience say we need each other we are wired for relationship and that our ability and our partners ability to be responsive to each other's needs and emotions is fundamental in creating a healthy thriving relationship so if the key to a healthy

thriving relationship is emotional responsiveness then what is blocking so many of us from being emotionally responsive partners block number one is believing that your partner is an adult and so shouldn't require emotional responsiveness block number two is feeling overwhelmed by work or stress and so you're not available or present for your partner instead you feel shut down or disconnected are you connecting more with your smartphone than your partner and block number three is feeling overwhelmed or invaded by one of your parents growing up and so being there for someone else makes you want to run

for the hills or avoid that kind of connection and block number 4 is being out of touch or disconnected from your own needs and see and so when your partner has needs and feelings you do prioritize them or disregard them just as you've been conditioned to do yourself so what can you do about these blocks here are four powerful tools you can use to break through them first decide this is the most important element in your current or future relationship and commit to being an emotionally responsive partner and commit to removing any blocks that might

get in your way of doing that second if workers stress is making you unavailable to be present for your partner find ways to de-stress and come back into your body and your heart so that you'd be more available and present for your partner and third if one of both of your parents was engulfing overwhelming or invasive growing up find a coach or a therapist to help you heal those wounds so you can be more emotionally responsive to your partner and fourth start to notice throughout the day how do I feel right now and what do

I mean emotionally today the more you value and trust your feelings and means the more you will value and trust the feelings and needs of others our country is in a state of deep distress on an environmental political and social level by moving from I to we we prioritize having the skills and emotional capacity to care not only for our own well-being but the emotional well-being of our dearest loved ones and community like mother Teresa said what can you do to promote world peace go home and love your family thank you so much [Applause]