The Galaxys Greatest Threat HOLD MY BEER | HFY | Sci Fi Stories

you want to do what now High Commander zix's crystalline appendages trembled with what could only be described as alien exasperation declare war on the humans Supreme Overlord vakar repeated mandibles clicking with irritation they've refused our perfectly reasonable demand to surrender their outer colonies the Glorious hegemony cannot tolerate such insolence zix's bioluminescent patches pulsed a deep shade of concerned purple with all due respect Supreme Overlord have you actually read any of our intelligence reports on humans of course not they're a pre-ftl civilization that only achieved space flight in the last century what could possibly be worth

reading vakar waved a dismissive tentacle their technology is primitive their military force is negligible it will be a simple matter to they split the atom as a weapon zix interrupted breaking at least three Protocols of Imperial etiquette they did it while still fighting with projectile weapons and combustion engines they looked at the fundamental forces of the universe and thought yes this would make an excellent bomb vakar paused compound eyes narrowing many species discover nuclear fishing eventually they did it first before clean Fusion before reliable solar power before they'd even visited their own Moon they went

straight for the explosion zix's translator struggled to convey the appropriate level of concerned emphasis they made enough bombs to destroy their entire planet multiple times over just in case well that's concerning vakar admitted but surely they went to their Moon using computers less powerful than our food replicators they strapped themselves to Giant tubes of explosive chemicals and hurled themselves into space through sheer determination and questionable math their first space programs had a nonzero fatality rate and they kept going anyway yes but their entertainment media is full of scenarios where they fight aliens and win they've

been imagining how to defeat technologically Superior opponents for over a century they've gotten creative zix pulled up a holographic display this is something they call Independence Day the humans defeat an invasion Fleet by uploading a computer virus the science is nonsensical but the important thing is they think like this all the time vakar mandibles clicked rapidly the hegemony equivalent of nervous fidgeting surely they can't all be like that their most popular sport in involves deliberately colliding with each other at high speeds for fun they call it football and it frequently results in brain damage they

keep playing anyway zix's crystals were practically vibrating now they drink poison for entertainment they deliberately eat capsacin a chemical evolved specifically to cause pain because they enjoy the sensation some of them jump out of perfectly functional aircraft for recreation that's vakar seemed to be reconsidering several life choices but but our technology is based on predictable logical principles that they will absolutely find ways to exploit zix pulled up another report what about their weapons vakar asked suddenly wishing he hadn't they're still using kinetic projectile weapons because in their words if it ain't broke don't fix it

they've just made them more efficient at killing things their current rifles can punch through our standard armor like it's made of eggshells which reminds me they deliberately eat unfertilized embryos of other species with toast vakar carpes had taken on a distinctly pale Hue perhaps we should reconsider their response to our demand for surrender was and I quote come and take it this is apparently a historical reference to a battle where a few hundred of them held off several thousand attackers through sheer spite they lost that battle and still consider it a point of Pride they

made it their planetary motto definitely reconsidering they made up a sport called hockey which is a ually ritualized Combat on Frozen water they hit each other with sticks and it's considered unusual if nobody bleeds the winners get a large metal cup which they then drink alcohol from speaking of alcohol they discovered it by letting food rot and decided to drink it anyway then they figured out how to make it stronger what about diplomatic they have a saying Geneva Convention more like Geneva suggestion they consider their own rules of warfare to be more like guidelines very

flexible guidelines and they're remarkably creative about finding loopholes zix's crystals had achieved a frequency usually associated with pending structural failure did you know they've weaponized math they call it cryptography and use it to wage economic Warfare they can destroy an enemy's economy without firing a shot vakar had begun slowly backing away from the holographic displays perhaps we should they tamed wolves by sharing food with the ones that scared them the least they kept doing this until they created companions that would die to protect them they did the same thing with big cats bears and several

varieties of murder Birds they turned apex predators into pets through selective breeding and snacks definitely we should their primary method of scientific advancement is something they call trial and error which roughly translates to keep doing it wrong until you accidentally do it right they discovered most of their early medicines by just eating plants to see what happened their space program motto was essentially point it up and see what happens their entire technological civilization is built on a foundation of hold my beer and watch this vakar had reached the door I'm going to run excellent choice

Supreme Overlord I'll begin drafting our formal withdrawal immediately perhaps we could send them a gift basket as an apology I hear they enjoy fermented grape juice and those pain-causing capin pods yes yes whatever you think best vakar said hurriedly already halfway down the corridor zix's crystals finally settled into a more stable frequency as the Supreme overlord's rapid footsteps faded into the distance the high Commander turned back to the intelligence reports noting a new update the humans had apparently taken the hegemon's withdrawal as a challenge and doubled their military research budget just in case fascinating creatures

zix mused adding another note to the everg growing file labeled reasons to stay far away from Earth they're going to take over the Galaxy one day and they probably do it by accident while trying to figure out if they can teach Dolphins to operate spacecraft or something equally absurd a junior analyst rushed in crystals pulsing with alarm High Commander the humans have released a new entertainment product simulating Warfare with our forces they're calling it hegemony Strike Force and it's already their most popular game zix's bioluminesence shifted to a resigned shade of blue of course they

have let me guess they win through increasingly improbable scenarios involving experimental technology and something they call the power of friendship yes add it to the file and send another gift basket with extra capsus in pods this time zix paused thoughtfully and perhaps some of their fermented grain beverage the one they call vodka it might help with the headache all this is giving me the analysts crystals flickered uncertainly sir you know that's poison right if they can drink it so can I how bad could it be three solar Cycles later zix added alcohol tolerance to the

already extensive list of terrifying human capabilities right after can survive on minimal sleep and just before thinks explosions are pretty the hegemony never did declare war on Humanity they did however establish a highly profitable trade relationship based primarily on exchanging advanced technology for human entertainment media and various forms of edible poison vakar went on to become the Galaxy's leading expert in human television shows though he had to take frequent breaks to avoid overloading his anxiety glands and Humanity they kept doing what they'd always done pushing boundaries defying common sense and generally causing the rest of

the Galaxy to wake up in a cold sweat wondering what they'd do next they never did figure out if Dolphins could operate spacecraft but not for lack of trying as for zix the high Commander eventually became Earth's ambassador to the hegemony largely because no one else could handle the human's unique blend of chaos and competence without having a nervous breakdown the position came with an unlimited supply of vodka and capin pods which zix had developed quite a taste for the official title was Ambassador for human containment and damage control The Unofficial title was professional human

explainer and Intergalactic apologist the humans found both titles hilarious and made t-shirts zix tile War one to every diplomatic function paired with a special crystalline structure that could Flash the words oh no not again in 17 different languages it got a lot of use and somewhere in a secret file buried deep in the hedgemon archives there's a document with a single line that sums up the Galaxy's official position on Humanity don't start none won't be none they will finish it the humans naturally found out about this document thought it was awesome and made it into

a meme because of course they did some say that's when the hegemony truly understood the wisdom of their decision not to go to war others say it was when humans started sending them increasingly spicy food as friendship gifts most agree it was probably when Humanity announced their first faster than light drive which they developed while trying to prove someone wrong on the internet the Galaxy never stood a chance but at least they knew better than to fight it as for that FTL Drive they called it the hold my beer drive because of course they did

and the rest as humans say is history very weird slightly terrifying absolutely improbable history just the way humans like it Ambassador zigel we have a situation the junior analyst's crystals were pulsing in what humans would recognize as the alien equivalent of a panic attack when don't we have a situation involving humans zix didn't even look up from the report about Humanity's latest achievement they had apparently taught an octopus to use a video camera for art the resulting documentary had won several Awards they've they' figured out how to weaponize the hold my beard drive that got

zix tall's attention Define weaponize they discovered that the quantum displacement field generated by by the drive can be modified they're calling it The yeah watch this protocol zix's crystals dim to a concerning shade of oh no not again blue what does it do it it makes other ships go sideways in time there was a long pause as zix processed this information sideways in time yes sir not forward or backward sideways their Chief scientist said and I quote we broke physics so hard it started crying of course they did zix reached for the bottle of vodka

that had become a permanent fixture on the Diplomatic desk and I assume they discovered this by accident apparently someone said it was impossible and well say no more zix tall took a long drink have they tested it yet they're planning to next week they've invited representatives from all major Galactic powers to observe they're calling it the biggest hold my beer moment in history naturally zix's crystals had achieved a new shade of resignation that the human hegemony translation Matrix had dubbed Cosmic face palm and the Supreme overlord's response vakar has already booked front row seats he's

bringing popcorn the humans taught him about popcorn last month at least someone's enjoying this zix began drafting what would become the 47th addendum to the why we don't fight humans document any other crises I should know about well they've also started a cultural Exchange program with the hive mind Collective the telepathic insects the ones who share a single Consciousness what could possibly go wrong there the humans introduced them to something called social media zix's crystals nearly shattered they what the collective is now experiencing its first ever existential crisis they've started using emojis in their telepathic

Communications and can't agree on whether LOL should be taken literally added to the file zix was already reaching for a second bottle under accidental psychological warfare right next to toau the Silicon beings about memes precisely zigal remembered that incident All Too Well the silicon-based civilization had spent three solar Cycles communicating entirely in picture formats before their equivalent of the internet had to be rebooted the analyst's crystals pulsed hesitantly there's one more thing of course there is they've started a betting pool on whether they yeah watch this protocol will create alternate timelines or just make paradoxes

the pot is up to several million credits and Supreme Overlord vakar has placed a bet he's backing alternate timelines zix's crystals achieved a previously undocumented shade of purple put me down for paradoxes might as well profit from the inevitable chaos very good sir oh and the humans sent another gift basket this one contains something they call ghost pepper and a note saying these are the mild ones add that to the Casual approach to pain section zix had learned to categorize human peculiarities with scientific Precision anything else they've nominated you for something called a Darwin Award

they say it's an honor look it up in the cultural database a moment passed oh the analyst crystals dimmed oh dear let me guess it's not actually an honor it's technically an honor for removing oneself from the gene pool in a spectacularly foolish way add it to the concerning forms of human humor file zix had long since learned to take human jokes in stride and send them a thank you note something appropriately passive aggressive I'll use the template from the dealing with human sarcasm handbook excellent now if there's nothing else the analysts crystals flickered actually

what now they've started teaching their artificial intelligences to tell jokes zix's crystals went completely dark that's it I'm taking the rest of the cycle off forward all calls to the Department of Human containment and probability management sir you are the department of human containment and probability management then forward them to vakar he wanted to understand humans better let him deal with this one 3 Days Later vakar sent an Urgent Message the AIS had developed a sense of irony and were now engaging in in something humans called roast battles with their creators the humans naturally were

delighted zigel added another bottle of vodka to the emergency supplies and started drafting the 48th addendum to the why we don't fight humans document this one was titled they made machines learn to laugh the betting pool for the yeah watch this protocol test had reached billions even the AIS were placing bets now and somewhere in the vast expanse of space Humanity continued to do what it did best causing chaos breaking physics and making the impossible not just possible but somehow inevitable the Galaxy had learned to live with it mostly by staying out of the way

and keeping a safe distance from anything labeled hold my beer as for the test of the yeah watch this protocol well that's another story entirely one that technically happens next week last century and somehow simultaneously never and always because of course it does the humans wouldn't have it any other way preliminary reports from the yeah watch this protocol test are complex the scene I analyst reported their crystalline structure exhibiting previously undocumented chromatic patterns Ambassador zigal who had wisely chosen to observe the proceedings from the supposedly safe distance of 15 light years merely adjusted their Quantum

stabilized drinking apparatus Define complex the test created approximately seven parallel timelines three temporal loops and what humans are calling a Quantum Conga line through the SpaceTime Continuum and the human's response to this development they've organized an interdimensional scientific conference to discuss the results apparently all seven parallel versions of the research team are attending they're calling it quantum con 2024 the many worlds party zix Tal's bioluminescence shifted through several shades of existential concern and Supreme Overlord vakar currently engaged in heated debate with three alternate versions of himself regarding the proper distribution of the betting pool winnings

as technically everyone's prediction was simultaneously correct and incorrect of course zix made a note to update the why we don't fight humans document with a new section titled temporal multiplication of administrative difficulties there's more the analyst continued their crystals pulsing with what could only be described as professional dread isn't there always the humans have discovered that the quantum displacement effect has an interesting interaction with their coffee consumption apparently caffeine molecules exist in a state of temporal superposition when exposed to the field the implications being they can now literally drink tomorrow's coffee today several major corporations

are already filing patents zix reached for a fresh bottle of vodka only to find it simultaneously full and empty an apparent side effect of the temporal anomalies now permeating the sector added to the file under Innovative applications of fundamental physics violations already done sir in three alternate timelines any other catastrophic successes I should be aware of the artificial intelligences have started organizing cross-temporal stand-up comedy events they're calling it quantum comedy when the setup is also the punchline and how are the hive mind Collective handling these developments they've developed multiple personality disorder each Quantum branch has

its own meme preferences the main Consciousness is trying to moderate debates between aspects of itself about proper emoji usage across parallel timelines zix's crystals achieved a new resonance frequency that the translation Matrix labeled as hysterical acceptance anything else the humans have proposed establishing a multiversal Exchange program they want to study the subtle differences between parallel realities for science you mean for entertainment the research proposal explicitly lists for Science and for fun as co-equal primary objectives with exclamation marks naturally zigal began composing a memo to the galactic Council titled regarding the sudden increase in reality branches

and Associated administrative burden oh and one more thing the analyst added their crystalline structure exhibiting signs of suppressed Amusement they've started selling T-shirts what do they say I broke causality and all I got was this t-shirt in multiple timelines send me one all versions of me will need it the the analyst's crystals pulsed with curiosity which timelines version would you prefer yes very good sir the analyst paused the humans are also organizing what they're calling a cross-temporal beer pong tournament Supreme Overlord vakar has already registered all versions of him add it to the file under

recreational applications of space-time violations zigel had long since learned to appreciate the inevitability of human social events following scientific break throughs and Order enough vodka to cover all potential timeline branches already done sir though I should mention that due to Quantum uncertainty we're not entirely sure where we ordered it from or when as long as it arrives sometime somewhere that we have to do zix's crystals shifted to a shade that the translation Matrix had recently designated as Quantum resignation any word on how the octopus art project is progressing across the timelines the seapod in question

has apparently learned to operate the yeah watch this drive controls the humans are delighted they're calling it eight arms across the Multiverse an interdimensional art installation of course they are zix made another note in the ever expanding file potential risk spilop pod temporal manipulation for aesthetic purposes meanwhile across several layers of reality Humanity continued its cheerful exploration of their latest accident turned Innovation the galactic Council had convened an emergency session to discuss the implications only to discover that they were simultaneously in session and adjourned across multiple timelines the humans suggested solving the Paradox with a

multi-dimensional pizza party because that according to them was the obvious solution to any problem involving Quantum superposition of administrative bodies remarkably it worked no one was quite sure how but that had become the standard outcome for human initiatives across all known timelines as for Ambassador zigal they had finally achieved a state of perfect diplomatic Zen existing simultaneously in a state of Crisis management and vacation across multiple realities the humans called it quantum work life balance and were already developing a self-help book series about it the Galaxy continued its Evolution into what historians would later call

the era of quantum Shenanigans though no one could quite agree on when it started or ended or if those Concepts even meant anything anymore and somewhere in every timeline Humanity raised a glass or several to the success of their latest Endeavor to make the impossible not just possible but somehow inevitable and entertaining the toast across all realities remain the same hold my beer in all possible Worlds the hegemon's official response was documented in the 49th addendum to the why we don't fight humans document simply stating they broke reality itself and turned it into a party

we rest our case Ambassador zigel the quantum stabilized Communication System chimed we have detected an anomaly in the anomalies zix who had been simultaneously reviewing reports from 17 different timeline branches while attempting to determine which version of their morning meal was canonical paused an anomaly in the anomalies naturally elaborate the humans appear to have discovered that their Quantum temporal displacement effect has recursive properties they've created anomalies within anomalies zix stated their crystalline structure exhibiting a new color that the translation Matrix could only interpret as profound but unsurprised dismay correct they're calling it Inception protocol hold

my beer addition of course they are what are the implications they've essentially created pocket universes within the existing parallel timelines small bubbles of SpaceTime operating under their own temporal rules the humans are already establishing research outposts in several of them they're calling them Quantum vacation homes zix initiated their emergency relaxation protocols a process that involved simultaneously consuming stabilized vodka across multiple reality branches and the scientific purpose of these Quantum vacation homes would be according to the official research proposal because it would be cool the addendum mentions something about infinite Storage Solutions and the ultimate mancave

setup have they considered the implications for causality they've established a department of temporal Logistics and Paradox management it's staffed entirely by different versions of the same group of scientists from various timelines who meet every third Thursday of every week that simultaneously does and doesn't exist zix's crystals pulsed with resigned curiosity and how is that working out they've optimized their coffee breaks across 11 dimensions of SpaceTime productivity has increased by a theoretically impossible percent AG also they've taught the office AI to tell jokes in temporal palindromes add it to the file under Workforce optimization through reality

manipulation zix had long since learned to appreciate Humanity's talent for combining the profound with The Pedestrian what's Supreme Overlord vakar position on these developments all versions of him are currently attending a Quantum recursive barbecue event the humans introduced him to something called slow cooked brisket and he's investigating its properties across multiple temp domains and the hive mind Collective they've developed a new form of Consciousness that exists simultaneously across all timelines they're using it primarily to optimize their social media presence and engage in what they call multi-dimensional mimetic Warfare with themselves primarily though they've also started

a fascinating discussion with the office AIS about the temporal properties of humor they're working on something called Schrodinger's punchline a joke that's only funny Until You observe it zix tal made a note to update the why we don't fight humans document with a new section weaponized Quantum comedy and its implications for Galactic stability any other developments I should be aware of the octopus artist has started creating four-dimensional sculptures that exist simultaneously across multiple pocket universes critics are calling it tentacles through time there's already a waiting list for the exhibition which technically hasn't opened yet and

also closed last week naturally zix's crystals achieved a harmonic resonance with their Quantum stabilized drinking apparatus and how are the humans handling the administrative challenges of managing multiple recursive reality branches they've developed an AI powered scheduling system they're calling temporal Outlook it coordinates meetings across infinite parallel timelines while ensuring that no one has to attend the same meeting twice unless they want to optimize their responses through temporal iteration that's actually rather practical they're marketing it as never be late again be early in another timeline instead corporate pre-orders have exceeded the computational capacity of several minor

star systems zall began drafting what would become known as the temporal Commerce regulation guidelines though the document existed in a state of constant revision across all known reality branches anything else the humans have proposed establishing a multiversal Olympic Games they're particularly excited about the four-dimensional chess tournament and the trans temporal synchronized swimming event let me guess vakar has already signed up all versions of him are competing in something called Quantum Beach volleyball the rules apparently exist in a state of superposition until observed add it to the file under recreational applications of fundamental reality violations Sports

division zix had needed to create several new categories just to keep up with Humanity's Innovative approaches to entertainment meanwhile across the ever expanding web of interconnected realities Humanity continued to push the boundaries of what was possible probable and sensible the galactic Council had attempted to establish regulations governing trans-temporal activities only to discover that the humans had already created a self-regulating system based on what they called common sense and Good Vibes remarkably it worked better than any official protocol could have the yeah watch this protocol had evolved into the watch this again for the first time

protocol and Humanity was already planning its next Great Leap into the unknown though given the current state of temporal mechanics the terms next great and unknown had become somewhat flexible in their definition as for embassador zigel they had finally achieved a perfect work life balance by Distributing their Consciousness across multiple timeline branches allowing them to simultaneously handle every crisis while also perpetually being on vacation the humans called this living your best life lives and we already developing a self-help program to teach the technique to other species the waiting list stretched across several dimensions of reality

and somewhere or rather everywhere and every when Humanity raised a glass to their latest achievement in making the impossible not just possible but somehow mundane and marketable the toast echoing across the quantum foam of existence itself hold my beer in all Dimensions across all timelines for all versions of forever the Galaxy had no choice but to drink to that to be continued recursively across all possible and impossible iterations of reality