Woke Flat Earthers | Malik Elassal | Stand Up Comedy

shout out to all the teachers that told me I never make it I just like to repeat stuff that rappers say like that makes me feel good but my teachers legit did not believe in me like I went to a Muslim school like I went to Islamic private school and I told them that I wanted to do comedy and they had never even heard of that so they're just like no you want people to laugh at Muslims I was like yeah kind of yeah I had another teacher who was also the Imam he was like

the religious leader and he found out that I wanted to do comedy and he took me aside in like a private moment and he said you want to be a funny guy huh you think this life is funny my friend funny in games when you see the power of Allah on the day of judgment brother you will not be laughing and I was just like I'm still going to do it I'm still it made me want to do it even more so that I could be like all the rappers that I looked up to you

know like I I did have teachers that did believe in me but that's not good for my narrative so I like to just focus I was listening to a Meek Mill song one time and in the middle of the song Meek Mill goes to the teachers that said I wouldn't make it here I spend a day with you make a year and I heard that and I was like I'm going to flex just like that as soon as I get on and then I became a comedian and it's good a little hard to flex though

to be honest with you like what could I even say to the teachers that said I wouldn't make it here I'll make a year what you make a year like that doesn't sound as good you didn't believe in me and now we're roommates dumbass good job yeah he told me I was going to starve in front of the whole class I remember he said you want to be a comedian you're going to be very hungry my friend and I wish he could see me now be like bro I've never been hungry a single day of

my life cuz I still live with my parents [ __ ] did you think about that no you didn't I'm never hungry my mom Cuts me fruit all the time and then she brings it into my room cuz she has zero boundaries she just walks right in my mom's sick man she's a you know she's a she's a Muslim woman she wears a hijab I don't look very Muslim like just off off look so nobody ever bothers me about it you know she wears a hijab she looks Muslim all the time one time she told

me a story yeah it's like a Halloween costume she looks she looks Muslim all the time you know so one time she told me that uh she was driving around and a guy pulled up next to her in traffic and saw that she was wearing the hijab and he like flipped her off and then he like followed her in his car for a while and I was like terrified when she told me this I didn't want to ask her this question but I asked I was like Mom have you ever like thought about taking off

your hijab and she was like Malik I would rather rather die a martyr than let those people change me I was like all right Tupac [ __ ] relax Jesus chill out don't talk like that don't don't wish a [ __ ] would that's exactly the opposite of what I wanted she's nuts crazy talk but I was proud of her like I don't want her to change anything about herself but I want her to be safe so it's like what do we do here you know like something's got to change society is not going to

change so it's like we got to figure something out what I'm thinking of doing is coming out with a line of hate crime proof hijabs that my mom can wear completely hate crime proof okay first one I'm thinking standard just Confederate flag hijab cuz listen that's going to Short Circuit nobody's going to know what to do when they see that next time some guy pulls up next to my mom and traffics and be like she got us she wore the piece of cloth that we like this is another one this is a this is a

prototype I don't know if it's ready for the streets just yet but um allh hijab but just a little bit pointy in the back just just a little bit pointy not all the way but just deceptively pointy just for some peace of mind I am looking for Peace of Mind man I've been I've been I've been going to a therapist for four years I think it's a scam at least I don't have a good therapist like I cuz I didn't like get referred like by a doctor like I just like went online like I just

like Googled help please please help and then it took me to a website and on the website it was like write out a list of your problems so we can use that to like match you up and I was like all right and I selected anxiety cuz that's what I was that's what I was having and then it was like write out the anxiety explain what that feels like so that we can use that to better match you up to somebody and I was like it's anxiety it's not going to make sense I was like

okay I'm not as good of a Muslim as I was raised to be but I still feel like a good person you know and it's I feel conflicted cuz in school they taught us that everything is written before we're even born like all my decisions are made for me so it's like am I just doomed to make these mistakes that God wrote for me like like what if Allah judges me unfairly and then I submitted that and then they were like you should talk to Helen about this Helen Helen's good for [ __ ] like

this she's she's on top of it trust me and I was like Helen are you even listening to what what is Helen going to do you couldn't have brought me like a Dr Mahmood El shabaz somebody to just tell me to pray brother your life is Haram of course you feel terrible at least he understands what's I'm going to be in a meeting with Helen she's going to be like tell me more about this Allah character he sounds toxic I I mean why would you hang out with a guy like that who is he to

judge you and I'm like well he's actually he's the only one who can so and that's my therapist Helen I've been with Helen for about four years that's and we get into argument it's like I'll fight with Helen cuz like she just tries too much like too new age of ideas it's not practical this is when I knew like I have to find someone else is when she asked me what my astrological sign was in the middle of a like my therapist was like what's your star sign I was like Helen come on we can't

both be mentally ill you know it's got to be we're just two crazy people yelling at each other now we don't need to be in an office she's like you're an Aries and I was like you're good Helen you can stay yeah I'm working on you know cuz I get angry a lot so I'm trying to figure out like what's good what's the right thing to get angry about cuz I like you know there's stuff that's like not worth it to get angry about like it's just this is when I realized I I had to

stop doing it was when um Kyrie Irving got in trouble when Kyrie got in trouble that was that was big cuz like cuz I he was like my favorite basketball player he's one of the best basketball players of this generation and he yeah he got in trouble cuz he shared an anti semetic documentary on his Twitter it was wild like he you know like in the documentary like denied the Holocaust it was like nuts and like they wanted to kick him out of the NBA and I agreed I'm like this is [ __ ] there's

no place for that but then I I caught myself in the middle of it and I was like wait a second why am I even mad at this guy a year before this he said he thought the Earth was flat like if a guy tells you that he thinks the Earth is flat don't ask him about the Jews like what are you doing what did you think he was going to hey if you walked in on your girlfriend cheating on you you don't need to be like let me see your phone right now unlock your

phone I can see the way this guy's hitting it from the back you're lying I can tell there's no woke flat earthers there's never been there's nobody who's like the Earth is flat but you know I love everybody on it we're all doing our best on this frisbee ride in space man that's traveling upwards to simulate gravity we're all doing our best and we got to pay attention cuz it's heating up the disc is heating up and the water's going to rise it's going to pour off the Sid we got to be careful people don't

usually double up on causes like that they're like the Earth is flat and there's too many Filipinos on it and it's going to tip over if we don't find the edge that the Jews are hiding from us and push them like who cares he's a basketball player it doesn't he's not making the rules Kanye was the same thing that was tough for me when Kanye got in trouble cuz I've been a Kanye apologist my whole life every time Kanye said something stupid I was always the guy in the back of the room being like just

wait for the album bro like you don't even you don't get it he's in the future you wouldn't even you're not an artist how could you get it and then he was like I'm going to go Defcon 3 on the Jews and I was like this better be a good album this sounds like the past yay to be honest with [Laughter] you my uh my family's from Lebanon you know I'm from Canada like I'm raised in Canada but my mom raised over in Lebanon she tells me wild stories about what that was like for her

in 1982 Israel invaded Lebanon so my mom grew up with like Israeli tanks rolling through her Village like they used to come into the house and do check stops all the time it's a crazy way to grow up one day day the Israeli military fired a missile at my grandma's house and it broke through the wall and just landed inside and just spun out and they just all had to like just didn't didn't explode the missile just did not go off and they all just had to like back away from the missile and just like

pray that nothing happened and then the Israeli military just came and like scooped it up they're like sorry about that and then they just took it and laugh but if that missile went off I would have never existed like my whole family would have been Vapor I wouldn't be here talking to you guys right now so I still listen to Kanye sometimes you know like I feel that's fair bro when I woke up today and saw the news I was like my taping you guys are a dope proud that's good thank God bro I swear

if I'm L bro my luck Connie is going to drop tonight he's going to drop the most racist album you've ever heard so this is uh this is the first year of me doing standup where I've gotten to like travel a lot and it's been very fun it's it's a lot of travel I'm not complaining but it's you know it's a lot so I'm trying to like figure out how to stream online that experience cuz I something would always go wrong I would lose my boarding pass or something and then I would be in the

like the line fumbling with my email holding it up so I started doing this thing where I'd make my phone background my boarding pass just so it'd be easy to scan in real quick but I also do this thing where sometimes before I come on stages I make my phone background like a list of my jokes just so it's easy for me to reference just like one or two words to remind me and I forgot to switch it and I just went to get on the plane I just showed like a nice lady that works

at the airport a list that said it's Islamic school prove them all wrong bulletproof hijab my therapist is the crazy one and Israel payback and I was just sitting there like oh no no I just I think that stuff's funny thank you guys very much [Music] w