Why You Can’t Stick To A Job

my boss is not the best the hour suck the commute is too long negativity piles up piles up piles up until I am desperate as long as you are living a life where desperation is driving you you'll never break out of the cycle we break out of the cycle by literally I get a job I can't stand this anymore I quit I need a job to survive so this is a cycle that a lot of people go to and the problem with this cycle is that it's a cycle the basic problem with Cycles is that

we go through them over and over and over again and if we think about why do we go through a cycle over and over and over again like fundamentally like what's going on so the reason is because a cycle is driven by particular things the reason that we end up going through this cycle is because we're actually continuously responding to certain emotional drivers so for any cycle to continue it requires an energy input and the reason that this cycle is so common is because it actually has the same energetic input each of these steps increases

energy in a particular way and then once that energy reaches a critical threshold then we that energy drives us to action and breaking this cycle is actually relatively simple but it can be very difficult and what we need to understand is not these steps we need to understand the arrows because what actually propagates the cycle it's not the steps it's the arrows does that make sense this is what's moving us from here to here so think about this for a moment I get a job the real money is not that you get a job it's

what happens over here that allows you to not I can't stand this job anymore and if you can't stand this job what results in the quitting if you quit what results in the not needing the job so often times what I find is that when people are in Cycles what they tend to do is they actually miss the important stuff right so I I keep on like I can't find someone I can't find the right person I keep on dating the wrong people and it's like I'm lonely I need to date or I date someone

I date this someone this relationship is unhealthy or doesn't feel right I break up right we can see these Cycles this happens a lot too or I got to get out of the house I go out of the house I try to socialize I feel anxious so there are a lot of these cycles and everyone focuses on these steps but that's not where the money is the money is right here and reason for that is because when human beings correctly diagnose a problem they fix it if a problem persists that usually means there is incorrect

diagnosis same is true for the medical profession that's how we learn this stuff if I diagnose you with the wrong thing and I keep treating you you're going to keep having problems so if we want to understand what drives Us in this cycle of getting a job can't stand this anymore quitting and I need a job what it is is our emotional motivation we are victims to our emotional motivation which is why we propagate this cycle if youall want to dive deep into the most important topics for our community check out HG memberships so the

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description below hope to see you there so the first thing let's start with I need a job so when you need a job so like now I'm like I have some amount of money the money starts to run out the desperation starts to rise and as the desperation reaches a critical threshold it triggers a motivational action which is find a job the Panic signals happen find a job find a job find a job so find a job I go walking down the street oh look it is a job so if we look at it what

is it that drives me what is it that results in a job it is desperation so the moment that I have a job the desperation disappears right I no longer need a job I have a job I need a job I have a job and then what starts to happen well how did I pick my job well I just picked what I needed to because I was desperate there's no selection of the job and then what happens is this job isn't great so then what happens is like the emotional negativity starts to build up my

boss is not the best the hour suck the commute is too long negativity piles up piles up piles up until I am desperate I can't stand this anymore and once again what is it that motivates us desperation so then what do I do I quit once again desperation and now that I quit what happens I bake through I burn through whatever savings I have I need a job desperation increases increases increases so as long as you are living a life where desperation is driving you you will accept the bare minimum it is about getting by

today and if your emotional strategy if your life strategy is getting by today you are going to get bodied right left and Center you will never build a life that is worth living if your goal is getting by if your motivation is the avoidance of desperation you will never build a happy life because your goal is not Joy your goal is not success it is I want to get rid of this and this by the way is the way that our whole medical profession has trained us to be we have a society that focus focuses

on fixing problems not building things we need to fix the homelessness problem we need to fix oh you have pain let me give you Ibuprofen that'll take the pain away temporarily now you're desperate take this pill when the pill wears off off take another pill when the pill wears off take another pill take these six pills every single day don't build Health right you'll never find a gym in a doctor's office you'll never find a meditation room in a doctor's office right the most shocking example of this like I you know I talk about this

a lot because it just really seared in my mind I was on vascular surgery rotation and the patient was coming in for the third amputation and the attending surgeon that I walk I work with comes in he's like here we are again this guy has literally removed pieces of this patient's feet and he's like you know this is going to keep happening while you qu keep smoking right you got to stop smoking and she's like yeah doc I know I'm so sorry lops off a piece of her foot gives her a pamphlet here's how smoking

is dangerous for you I was like my mind was blown I was like is that the extent of this conversation hey you know this is going to keep happening until you stop smoking let's activate the saw and remove the foot I was like what the [ __ ] I was a third-year medical student at the time couldn't say a damn thing burned in my mind and you can even argue if fairly so by the way I'm not blaming the surgeon because it's not the surgeon's job right the surgeon's job is to Lop things off it's

not their job to do smoking cessation counseling but they put an order for it and a nurse shows up while you're in the hospital and gives you some resources does a decent job but this is what happens in our system is we fix problems we don't create health we just fix what is broken and if in your life you are constantly fixing what is broken you'll never break out of the cycle cuz you're not banking anything so the cycle of desperation continues your primary motivation is desperation I need a job let me find something so

how do we break out of the cycle we break out of the cycle by literally breaking out of the cycle okay so we're going to show you all what I mean so okay I need a job so I get a job when the desperation is at a low you should keep looking for a job okay I can't stand this anymore I quit when the desperation is at a high I'm going to work with a therapist or coach to stay happy and in the job while I find a better job this is how we break out

of Cycles right we literally find Alternatives but the problem is that this is hard why is it hard well first of all the economy sucks right so the deck is stacked against you let's remember that people who wind up in the cycle are not here because they're stupid they're here because things are genuinely hard if if a bunch of people find themselves in a with a problem right like we look at like malaria malaria affects a bunch of people in subsaharan Africa does it mean that they're dumb no does it mean that they're weak no

it means that there's a lot of mosquitoes with malaria if a lot of people are experiencing this in our society today means that there's a societal problem the first of the societal problems is that we are training people to be emotionally responsive Mercurial we get motivated by our emotions and this starts very early right if you don't study you're going to fail starts very early where we try to incentivize people from fear and Desperation if you don't do this you're going to get bullied or we bully you because you're not wearing the right clothes so

now you're motivated to dress based on the avoidance of negative emotion this is how we live our lives through the avoidance of negative emotion and people who are very manipulative love this because they realize if I can create negative emotion in you I can control your behavior we see this a lot with the men that I work with or I see this a lot with the men that I work with where we Guilt Trip men for providing it's a man's job to provide happens with women too with cognitive load and groceries oh my God don't

get me started right so we do this a lot and so the challenge though is that when we talk about finding a better job it's not that easy because first of all the economy sucks it's getting better at least here in the US but there's a second problem which is that what is it that motivates me to get a job this is fueled by desperation and why don't we find a better job because when we find a job we're already exhausted I've applied to 300 jobs I'm tired now the desperation goes away I can't motivate

myself to find a better job let's be honest it's not as that easy so then this cycle continues I quit and then what happens is I feel desperate so even this is a problem because now what's happening is our desperation creates the sense that I need a job and since I have a desperation I find the first thing that'll come I'm not selective and if I'm not selective for my job what am I going to do I'm not going to be able to stand it this desperation here and here inevitably creates a situation that you

cannot stand this is how you break out of the cycle what propagates the cycle needs to change if the driving force behind the cycle changes the cycle will end right so when two people when there's a blood Feud which we don't have much anymore right but I guess take your your favorite streamers that beef regularly right so we still have something like blood feuds the streamers that beef regularly what's driving the cycle of blood feuds it's Vengeance right there's no forgiveness there's no compassion there's no admitting what I did wrong everyone both sides did something

wrong but what do they focus on they focus on what the other side did wrong they never own up to their mistakes I've been in beef with people before generally speaking it goes a long way to say hey buddy I screwed up in these ways I'm sorry and then they something cool happens right when you apologize to someone if you're lucky they apologize back yeah I know man I wasn't the best either it's like what the [ __ ] did we just do here you did this wrong you did this wrong I'm sorry I'm sorry

sorry like what the it's that easy but some of y'all will say but it's not that easy because I apologize and they say yeah screw you and they don't accept responsibility fair enough those people exist too and then what you do is distance yourself even when you apologize to someone who does not apologize back you've taken some energy out of that cycle cuz you're not aggravating them and then they'll get less aggressive and you over time what you want to do is just don't feed the cycle let this plant wither and die but don't give

it fertilizer and then what you're going to do is find other relationships where people are apologetic when they do something wrong they accept their mistakes and then your energy is going to go over there you'll literally spend less time thinking about this person this person may try to aggravate you right because they're trying to put energy into the cycle but now your energy is somewhere else you just let them leave them behind they can have their life you're going to have yours this is how you escape toxicity through forgiveness and distance still not as easy

I'm as I'm describing I recognize that right this is the sketch of the strategy that works going back to the job thing we have to escape this energy of desperation see even if I need a job if I'm able to be patient and wait for the right job can I manage that desperation a little bit better when I when this job sucks can I build my resilience a little bit can I try to improve the job a little bit can I seek some degree of help can I get some kind of support we have to

change whatever fuels the cycle and then youall may say okay so like we can reduce the desperation this is where working with a therapist or coach or someone like that right we have career coaching where they're pretty good at this kind of stuff right helping you understand where your motivation comes from sometimes it just it it's more efficient to work with someone right I I don't need to ever work with a plumber I can do everything by myself but it's just easier to use a plumber sometimes because it'll get done within 24 hours and if

I try to do it myself who knows how long it'll take if you DIY it and we're a society that has still underappreciated the value of working with someone else who specializes in human behavior right so you'll see this a lot for example like you know I gave a talk at indeed a couple years ago and they have like a OnStaff coach and Google has a whole coaching program I think right so they have like these internal coaching programs because they figured out like holy crap like this actually helps when I went through my Executive

coaching certification like half the people in the room were like HR professionals so people have figured out this stuff helps but the main thing to understand is if you're stuck in the cycle it's usually driven by desperation and you need to break out of that desperation reduce the desperation as much as possible now a lot of people may get confused by that because they're saying if I reduce the desperation then I won't act you won't act in the same way so once you remove the desperation it g it makes space for another kind of motivation

so this is where once you have a job what do you like about it what do you dislike about it can you start to be a little bit more proactive and take on projects that may be more engaging to be more involved at your work paradoxically to work harder so this is something that a lot of people Miss is that like when you're desperate and you take a job and you're like G your mental lack of Engagement is what makes it untenable so if you look at studies on health of a relationship especially within the

first 6 months what you find is that someone's attitude towards the relationship heavily influences the health of the relationship the attitude that someone has if someone thinks oh this is a crappy relationship I settled for this person the relationship is going to be unhealthy faith in the relationship literally determines the quality of the relationship it's not the other way around this is what a lot of people get confused they think oh yeah I have faith in the relationship because it's good it's actually scientifically the reverse I have faith in the relationship that makes it good

I have faith in a job that makes it better I believe in this that makes it better and we know this this is Placebo I believe this medicine work it makes it working weird right so notice the cycle of desperation reduce your desperation as much as possible create space for another kind of motivation to arise experiment a little bit and don't get complacent do you guys understand that desperation and complacency are part of a cycle they're the same thing they're two sides of the same coin once the desperation goes away what am I left with

with am I left with Joy Drive motivation no I'm left with complacency and when the complacency goes away I'm left with desperation this is not just a problem of desperation this is a problem of complacency so pay attention to this cycle work on the desperation make space and actually put forth more effort don't let your effort be tied to your emotional desperation separate these two variables the more you do that the better things will become questions so Rockwell is asking do you think coaching is a hidden gam in a world where people don't appreciate such

ones that work with human behavior so people who do work with coaches may have an advantage in the society I think that's true absolutely right so the the coaching outcomes research is not great as a field but I think that there's a reason why you see a lot of these companies investing in coaching because they have internal metrics which are not published but even at like so I you know I did a little bit of work at like Harvard Business School and they have like an internal coaching staff at [ __ ] Harvard Business School

like it's crazy so I I think that there is an advantage but we have to be a little bit careful because we don't have large scale studies showing exactly what the impact of coaching is so we have like our own internal data that we presented at American Psychiatric association about our core coaching program and specifically around technology addiction but a lot of this stuff we don't really have good science right we have the the start of good science but it's nowhere near as robust is what we have in the medical field okay so should I

quit my job if I'm too kind of person after I work harder I get new tasks while other people are slacking since I do it so this is a really common problem where here I am advocating that yall work harder and what a lot of people will say is that I work at a job where there are Slackers and I work hard and this work doesn't get recognized I've certainly worked in places like that before and this is where there's kind of like a dual approach to this so on the one hand if you work

extra hard consistently over time and I'm talking about 6 months a year two years because often times what happens is our ego gets in the way right so for example like when you when you're a medical student and you're rotating somewhere you think that the residents and interns are like oh they don't appreciate my hard work and like this other person got honors and I only got a high pass this is unfair so then being an intern or a resident you begin to realize that oh like one medical student is not really aware of what

the other medical student is doing so they think that they're working hard but they're actually slacking off based on my view so one of the biggest challenges is that this idea that I'm working harder than my colleagues gets really tricky with ego because the ego will see how hard you work but it won't see how hard other people work a really good example of this is you look at any relationship and you ask the person which one of you like Works harder to maintain the relationship which one of you apologizes more which one of you

apologizes first on average which one of you does more of the chores most relationships everyone will say I do more my partner does less this is ego so there's a big bias that I see a lot where someone will be like they'll complain and they'll be like but I did all this stuff and this person got a better grade that's not fair it's like you don't actually know what the other person did right and you may not be quite as great as you think you are so there's ego that you have to be careful about

when you think I work harder than everyone else doesn't mean that you don't I'm just saying that's something you need to consider before you you know judge someone second thing is when you work hard there are two ways to work hard so one is if you're working hard and consistently then you need to assess whether the people that are around you appreciate that effort in some way and hopefully they appreciate it there are certain skills about highlighting that appreciation making sure people recognize the work that you're putting in there's also a very common problem that

we see a lot which is um so you know we have a career coaching program where uh you know like this is a really common problem hard work doesn't necessarily correlate with value just because you're working hard doesn't mean that it is useful to people this is a big cognitive bias that people have the harder I work the more valuable it should be that's not always the case so we worked with Ethan Evans who is like a senior VP at Amazon ran a team of like 800 people launched Amazon Prime video and Ethan was like

you know the hard work should be in the direction of what your direct report wants having a pet project that they don't care about that you work really hard on isn't necessarily great and the third thing about working hard is that I tend to work hard in ways that benefit me so this is a pet project so in 2015 when I was a second-year resident I started asking people about video game addiction and I started to work on video game addiction no one really cared I applied for a chief resident position didn't get it best

thing that ever happened to me right people didn't appreciate the work that I do but I didn't care because this is something that I am building for its own benefit I wrote a book in 200 18 on video game addiction a whole book he never seen the light of day because it's a piece of [ __ ] work that I did that was extra has no external value except I learn except I gain a competence which has a ton of value so it's okay to work hard I'm a big fan of working hard I think

most people should probably be working harder I think they should also be working smarter the two aren't mutually exclusive you know people say work smarter not harder I don't think it's work smarter and harder so I think when it comes to working hard like can be good but it needs to be done in the right way so the one thing to avoid is if someone asks you to work extra hard in an area that doesn't that you're not interested in that doesn't benefit you in any way and they don't appreciate the work that you do

I think occasionally it's okay right if someone asks you for for a favor I think you can do someone a solid help out a little bit that's fine and the way that I think about that people ask me for help all the time I'll do it doesn't help me but it's fine I'm going to make the world a better place I don't have to get compensated for every little for for every minute of of work I do but at the same time if they're asking a lot and then they're like oh yeah like we need

you to fulfill do these two jobs and over time that doesn't change or they don't acknowledge that then that's a problem so I don't think it's about kindness I think it's about really thinking about okay are you working hard is that being recognized and are you growing in some way because of it because it can have an additional value [Music] okay for [Music]