Stop Chasing Approval: The Power of Self-Worth

confidence is the it girl and selfworth is her cousin when you think about shifting in your own life and having the things that you desire and believing that you are worthy of those things how you show up in the world the way that you set boundaries the reason you set boundaries the reason that you speak to yourself in a certain way is going to come back to your selfworth the way that you intrinsically believe and value yourself is going to be at the core of who you become how you allow yourself to stretch and how

far you allow yourself to stretch as a disclaimer as always I am not judging you and the way that I speak on things is based on my own experiences and the way that I have chosen to engage with that information and those experiences if the way that you talk to yourself the way that you think about life the engagement that you have internally with yourself if you feel like that is working then this information isn't necessary you can continue on as you are but if you feel like you get triggered easily by certain things and

you're feeling a need to constantly defend yourself or your internal conversations are not in alignment with what you desire if you're looking at other women or other individuals and you feel like they have something that you don't have and the only way for you to get it is to take it from someone else or you weren't gift Ed what they were given then these are these are things that are going to help you shift your mindset from constantly having that internal turmoil to being more confident and and secure in who you are the goal is

always to Pivot to change to reinvent and to assess if where we are is actually in alignment with who we desire to be in the long run the first tip is to eval valate your thoughts and actions from a place of love so that you are not projecting that on to other people when we have intrinsic beliefs and values that we place on ourselves our actions are going to stem from that our confidence is going to stem from that how we view the world how we view other people is going to be a reflection of

that inner conversation that we're having with ourselves if we either a were born into families that were more aggressive more toxic or we just as we went through life we picked up friends along the way who were like this we can have a skewed view of ourselves and what we believe about ourselves even if you didn't have toxic detrimental experiences if you were the kind of person where you made the right choices all the time or you believed in comparison to other people you made better choices the moment that you come across a situation in

which you are not making a good choice or you aren't the smartest person in the room or you feel like you're not as capable as someone else they seem like they have more going for them or more of what you thought you had or what you would like to have your reaction to that can sometimes shock you but it's going to be a reflection of what we believe about ourselves internally so for example if you had people in your life who did certain things to you that were not acceptable or you had friends who did

things that weren't acceptable and you are hard lined on what you will accept and not accept and then at some point you do something similar to those people it depending on how you have conversations with yourself that internal dialogue that can determine whether or not you carry forward or you become stagnant in your growth if we want to be right if we want other people to be wrong more than we want to learn and grow and expand that can stop us from growing that can stop us from being able to see our eles in a

loving way your selfworth should never be that you are always perfect you are always right everything you do is Right everything you do in comparison to other people is just better you're better because of the way that you look the way that your body looks where you grew up how much money you have none of that should be attached to your selfworth these are external things that often times we cannot control and if you attach yourself to that and you believe that that makes you of value when those things go it will derail your path

another way that I like to think of this is let's say that you know someone or yourself has dated someone who was just not right for you they just weren't in alignment and there wasn't necessarily extreme levels of toxicity it just wasn't right and in the end you kind of felt like I don't know maybe they used you or the relationship wasn't right or it just bothered you right one thing that I did for myself that allowed me to see things from a different perspective was I thought of that version like let's say that person's

name is Joe I thought of Joe being that person in my life and sometimes we can think to ourselves well this Joe treated me this way I must not be worth XY and Z that is very common for people to do and again not gender specific but what happens is that we've attached our Worth to the treatment of Joe and what I did for myself was I said what if I am the Joe in someone else's Story the same way that you can be the villain in your own story you can absolutely be the perceived

or actual villain in someone else's Story the way that they retell that story could be that you harmed them and again we're trying to be like Neo in The Matrix dodging bullets if you have the ability to detach from who your character in a narrative whether it's your own or someone else's it will allow you to see things from such a different perspective that you're not attached to any of it this is healthy Detachment when we're allowing ourselves to not be so married to the way that we believe our self to be or others to

be when we're allowing ourselves to to allow information to flow to us we decide how much of it we acknowledge how much of it we adopt even these videos this is why I keep saying use your discernment because what you watch what you see in life will determine how you want to engage with those things but if you have a solid core your selfworth is in alignment with your higher self God whatever it is that you believe you are connecting to you won't get derailed by information but you won't feel threatened by it either you

can acknowledge it you can listen to it and then you can decide does this apply to me can I see why that person thinks that way even if I'm not in alignment or agreeing with it this does not mean that someone can come along and bully you or dis disrespect you and because I can see their perspective we're allowing them to stay longer than we we should that's not what I'm saying there are going to be times where you need to stand up for yourself and you need to say that that behavior is unacceptable but

there are also times when we can when it is not threatening when we feel safe in our body we can see that those perspectives are different from our s and they are we can add them to our narrative and like tools in our kit they either have a purpose or at a later time they will have a purpose which brings me to my next point which is that you never want to attach your value or Worth to another person and again this is not gender specific so sometimes we think we're talking only about romantic Partnerships

but I'm talking about anything I can I'm talking about your parents your siblings your cousins your anybody in your life that you feel gives you permission to exist in the way that you desire to you never want to attach your value to that because people do change and people reveal who they are and if somebody believes that your worth is attached to their approval you will always feel like you're not able to see yourself very clearly your selfworth you want to think of it as a never-ending conversation that you have with yourself there are so

many things that we could solve within ourselves if we were to quiet our mind enough to ask ourselves how we're feeling about something an exercise that I just recently discovered that I really love and I'll I'll put the I can't remember the the woman's name I don't want to say it wrong I think it's like IOD or she talked about judging people and she was also mainly talking about our fear being seen and being judged or evaluated and why we feel that way and there was an exercise in there where she was saying to identify

the people that we judge ourselves mainly because we think they're going to judge us what we judge about them and what is it that we're attracted to or what attracts us to those people and I did it myself for people that I really in my own life dislike and what I allowed myself to do was to be really honest with those answers without judging myself for what I wrote down and that helped me change my perspective on those people and what I think those people are thinking about me now some of these people have actually

said really nasty negative things to me or their actions have shown to be very disrespectful or aggressive however unless I'm an add-on in their brain a neuron in their brain or a fly on the wall in their house I can't confirm that these are exactly the things now these are things that they made me feel a certain way but it may not necessarily be what they think about me and that's important to remember so let's say you have a toxic mother who is jealous of you right and her behavior is constantly to make you small

to minimize your wor to minimize your presence in life you could think that she hates you you could think that she really just wishes that you were not around and if she could be honest with herself it's that she wishes she was you she wishes that she had the courage to show up and do the things that you are if you have a sister who is like this that uh is constantly in competition with you or trying to celebrate other people intentionally to make you feel small that can feel like this individual hates you but

if that person could be honest they're inspired by you they wish that they could show up in the in the way that you do they wish that people treated them how they believe people treat you and this is why when we start sharing our stories other people are like well I didn't realize you were going through that or I wouldn't wish that on myself or my worst enemy and yet they don't know what's ha actually happening in your life so this is why we don't want to attach ourselves to our selfworth to someone else because

if these people are treating us a certain way because the character they believe we play in their life it can make them feel a certain way when you are small when you are not going after your dreams when you don't feel comfortable in your own skin and then the day that you do their internal conversation has shifted about themselves and about you and because you're now deciding to be a different version than what they were comfortable with that can cause them to have a visceral reaction a an actual physical reaction a spiritual emotional reaction to

your growth so when we are how do we do this how do we shift we are acknowledging the limiting beliefs that we have whether that's writing them out on paper or just sitting with them and then we are working out what the truth is about those statements so for example if you have a limiting belief that says unless your family supports what you're doing I.E let's say you want to go to college or you know you want a job that is in alignment with your passions but it's like not something that other people quote unquote

respect in your family like art or you want to be like a gardener or a teacher like these are good jobs right but if your family decides that you should be a doctor or a lawyer because that has more of a social footprint then you could feel like you have to do what they want in order for you to get the approval of these people like you won't be happy unless they have you have their approval so that would be the limiting belief and the truth is that it it's not dependent on those people what

you believe about yourself at the end of the day that's what's going to help you navigate your own life and if you go off and do exactly what they said would you be happier or would you be miserable and if you're miserable is that something you could live with the truth is it it isn't even though we might think to ourselves yeah I could live with it because at least I won't have them not want to talk to me or the discomfort of that feels more uncomfortable in my body the truth is until you live

that path you may not know what you're talking about like it could be that like for example for me speaking to my family felt like something I had to do for the rest of my time until their behavior got so ridiculous that it was like why would I do that to myself and the discomfort of cutting these people out or having a Hardline boundary yeah it was uncomfortable but the conversation was Within Myself the discomfort was within my mind because when I went and spoke to these people they reminded me why I didn't want to

have anything to do with them so until we have evidence of both sides it may not be that what you believe to be true is true the next tip is that the growth potential of your life should always be expanding we should never be in a place where we are complacent with our current state and this doesn't mean that we aren't resting or that we're always going going going we're always productive or you're not allowed to take time as a mother or you know Gap year in your studies or shift in your business or take

a vacation that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about are you allowing yourself in these seasons of growth to expand spiritually financially emotionally are you unpacking things that are holding you back I always say this and I will keep saying this the current version of you is not the past version of you or the future ver version of you each state that we are in each season is going to require something different from us in order to unlock the potential of that next door and when you have aligned selfworth high levels of self-worth you

recognize that it is safe for you to say I desire to grow I want to see what could happen you know what they talk about like f around and find out you can do the same thing with your life in a positive way there is so much growth that you have the potential to receive in your life if you allow yourself to grow sometimes sometimes the growth is that you're learning to ask for help you're learning to say that this area of my life I really think it could be great but I don't have the

knowledge necessary to unpack these things that doesn't mean that you're stupid or that someone else can come along and do it better than you it means that they might have experiences that you don't have they might have knowledge that you don't have like even when I talk about on on um YouTube growing a YouTube channel you want to see other people who are at the level that you desire to be or are currently and recognize that take notes on what they're doing and how they're doing it so that you can see if it applies to

your life but that never means that that person is better than you or you're you're not of value because you don't have the same level that they have which leads to my next point which is that you have the right and the room to ask for help and support and this is in so many aspects of life like mentally emotionally and physically there are there are so many things that we sometimes feel we have to take on by ourselves and it's not okay to ask for help it's not okay to say that I'm not okay

and that is not true and your selfworth you want to make sure that a part of that is that it is okay for you to not have all the answers or to be okay 100% of the time and especially as a mom how this shows up is when you're feeling overwhelmed and you ask your partner for assistance like not cooking dinner every single night um not always being the one to pick up your kids or get them ready for things or taking a break that evening or just being able to take time to prioritize your

self-care whatever that looks like for you if you're younger and you don't have kids or you're older and you don't have kids that can look like spending more time with your friends telling your friends people you trust that you're struggling with with certain things in your life again I keep saying this friendships are the secret sauce to life and that can look like whatever it looks like and needs to look like for you but having the ability to connect with people that you can be vulnerable and honest with is so important it's so important needing

help does not necessarily mean financially or can you come clean my house like it doesn't have to necessarily look like those things but it can just be that instead of thinking about something endlessly in your own mind you just say to someone hey this is what I'm struggling with what advice would you give me that's something I do with my friends like I will just tell them what I'm thinking about and then ask them what their thoughts are I also do that with my husband so you can do that with your partner if you trust

your partner and your partner is in alignment and this isn't something we're trying to like struggle into the box of healthy these are people you want to be able to talk to to say that you need some assistance in your life now this one seems a little little bit unconventional but I really do feel like in my own Journey this was very important we want to wish healing on our enemies people that have harmed us that we dislike one of the things that I struggled with in my life was how aggressive these people were like

how absolutely disrespectful these people were and I am never telling you to rush your healing journey I am never telling you that you absolutely need to forgive these people cuz I think that is very dismissive of The Human Experience in the fact that God or whatever you call it the universe we would not be given the emotion of anger and distrust or hatred even if we weren't meant to wrestle with those emotions so for myself the way that I like to think of it is that there are different parts of me of you that need

different things in different seasons or situations in your life so there was a part of my healing Journey where I needed to heal that part of me that needed to speak up for herself like she desired to be heard even if it wasn't directly to these people because there is a point where like they're not able to listen or understand or comprehend and you are wasting your energy and time however for myself I needed to say it out loud and that part of me that was angry that part of me that was like I am

done I am tired and I am pissed I called that part my inner Thug that little gangster needed to say it with her whole chest and I did not dismiss or shame that version of myself that wanted to say it like that that wanted to be heard in that way and you might have a little inner Thug too that wants to say it the way that she wants to the wants to say it the way that they want to that wants to be heard in a certain way and though when we're talking about healing our

selfworth when we're talking about healing our inner being it means acknowledging all of those parts you could have a part of you that is Desiring to be more feminine that wants to put herself together in a certain way but was shamed for those things so you're healing that part of you you could have an inner child part of you that was younger that was harmed shamed embarrassed and wants to be healed too there are so many different parts of us that make up the hole and when we acknowledge those different pieces they literally make up

that core being that we come back to when we're embarrassed we come back to our selfworth when we feel shamed we come back to our self worth when we make choices that maybe probably should have made we come back to our selfworth and it's like if you ever seen the movie um inside out inside out is it inside out where Joy wanted everything to be perfect she wanted Riley to be happy all the time and the only thing she wanted at her core that selfworth was positive things positive experiences examples where Riley was doing the

right thing saying the right thing and everything else she threw to the subconscious mind was like it has to go and then eventually when Riley went through puberty and the hormonal changes and anxiety came in anxiety was part of the mix and in the end what ended up happening was instead of trying to filter out all of the negative things and just keep the good stuff to make up her self worth she needed everything and it's the same with you you need everything like all of the ingredients that you put in to make a certain

meal where if one of them is missing it's just like there's that peace that's not right it's just it needs a little extra something the same with yourself when we say to ourselves all of those experiences make up who I am I mean everything the ugly bits the sexy bits the not so cute bits the I don't know what the hell happened there bits all of that stuff helps us see ourselves a little more clearly when I even like when I'm saying smart women do X Y and Z aligned women do X Y and Z

that's triggering for me like to be able to say that I'm smart was something that I struggled with in my own life because I wasn't celebrated for those things so whatever is triggering for you that could be the part of you that needs to be healed that could be the part of you that wants to be heard and instead of that's why we're going back to point one where we're examining our thoughts in the way that we speak so we don't project that onto other people you want to heal that part within yourself you want

to make sure that she that side of you no longer needs to be heard that way we can bring it back into the fold and it can actually grow into something else so when we talk about wishing our enemies well and and how does that tie into our selfworth it's because I learned that on my own healing journey and if you are on one to you recognize it's not an attractive Journey there is nothing sexy about this journey it sucks it doesn't feel very good but when you get to the end of it you you

have so many light bulb moments where you're like oh my gosh that makes sense now the same with these people when you wish healing on people it's not like oh love and light and blessings and I hope that everything works out for you you know what that's going to look like for these people and when they finally work out how they treated you was absolute trash and that they fumbled you or they should have treated you better whether and this is not again romantic right because this could be a parent this could be a sister

this could be a brother this could be a cousin right if you were the person that was always giving loving helpful in a family like that energy because energy is currency when it's missing when it's pulled it's like turning the lights out there is no more joy in these environments so we wish healing on these people because that is the fastest way for God the universe whatever it is that you believe in to deliver these lessons to these people there is no amount of you that can get involved in those situations to fix them there

are I I said this in my last video like some people the lesson that they need to learn is that people walk away and it is not up to us to decide who and when and how that works out we want to control what we can and when we're fixing and healing our self worth that's a big part of it is learning to let go of the things that are not yours take them off your plate walk away Drive Away leave the area energetically mentally emotionally and sometimes physically another part of our self-worth journey is

recognizing that the presence of something in another individual's life is not the absence of it in our own so we've heard this before like just just because she's pretty doesn't mean we're ugly just because they're smart doesn't mean we're dumb doesn't mean just because those people have money doesn't mean we're poor just because that person calls himself smart doesn't mean that they're saying that you are dumb two truths can exist at the same time your perspective of something can be absolutely spot-on for you and the person over there who thinks completely different than you it

can be true for them as well and when we heal our self worth when we get in alignment with what is right for us is meant for us you recognize that you can exist in your space taking up all of the space available in your area and that other person can be doing the same thing and you are not in competition with them there is nothing wrong with those people having the life that they desire because it is not a reflection of lack in your life and when we grow up in environments where this is

prevalent and even even if it's not even in your environment it is prevalent in our country it is prevalent in our world it is prevalent in so many examples of what it means to be a human that we have to detach from constantly looking to these external things and finding out what is true for us this is why when we talk about like your internal locus locus of control you want to realize that what you can control within your life how you perceive your ability to control control what's happening to you I don't even say

control that's not your ability to flow in life and recognize that even if you're not in control of certain things you are able to shift you have agency autonomy in your life to determine the way that you view it so for example on a simple level if you are in school studying X Y and Z and your professor decides to have a pop quiz you can't control the fact that they're now testing you in this way even if you hate tests I'm not a huge fan of tests however I know that I'm studying or you

know that you are comprehending that information very well so even though you can't control that the fact that your professor loves to use tests you understand that within yourself what you have agency over is how prepared you feel for that test by studying the information available ailable to you same thing with a partner let's give that example if you have a partner and you cannot control what they do how they see you how they treat you what they do when they leave the house right but you have agency over how you react to what they

do that you dislike you also have agency over who you choose to be around and in your life now when we go out into the world again this is not gender specific if we go out into the world and someone tries to tell you that you should be giving opportunities to people who are not in the ballpark of what you expect or would like to see in your life we have agency over whether or not we allow those people to derail us from our intrinsic beliefs of what we deserve or desire in our life we

can decide not to choose these people and when people question our choice we have agency over advocating for ourselves or ignoring these people and my last point is that when we have high levels of selfworth when we know who we are on a deeper level we have the ability to root for to be happy for other people's success and this is not just like as a sign of maturity it's so much more than that when we are sending out the energy to God the universe whatever it is that you believe in that you can be

happy for other people you are sending a message that you know that there is abundance in that thing so let's say that you know let's say it's money that you see someone else who has money you want that in your life too and then let's say your friend like I don't know wins the lottery if you immediately think to yourself why the hoo did that happen to them and not to me why were they given that and now you're bitter and you're angry you're sending a message not only to yourself but out in to the

world that there isn't enough of the thing that you desire and and now they they've been given it and it's it's just gone this is also why we talk about like examining our thoughts because that's a limiting belief that you want to swap you want to change the language of that the tone of that the energy of that so that you are in flow because that's a very stuck rigid place and that's not going to help you this is also why it's very fascinating how many things come back to our self worth even money the

conversations about money the way we feel about money what we think is available to US based on the way that we look whether you believe women can't have as much money as men or you believe a certain race shouldn't have as much money or can't have depending on whatever your limiting beliefs are it's fascinating the way that it comes back to somewhere down the line our selfworth it reminds me of like when you Garden you cannot go up to a plant let's say you grow different vegetables you can't go up to those or you shouldn't

rather go up to that plot and just smash it with a hose like fullon fire hose like levels of water it has to be this is why we like a drip system or slow you put the water on slow and why because if you hit it too quickly with all that water it sits on the surface and you think it has a lot of water because you flooded the area however when it has like 5 or 10 minutes to actually seep into the land it hasn't hit the root Bowl it's like not touching the roots

because all of that water just hit the top level but if you slowly add water to it and you leave it on for like 10 minutes that water had enough time to really seep down into the bottom layers that is an analogy for ourselves when we are going through life we are interacting with people who let's say it's positive people because this is what we were trying to get towards we're trying to get towards high levels of selfworth if you are not used to positivity positive love positive reinforcement people who encourage you people who love

you when you hear compliments or kind things or you're seeing other people winning and you are not used to that meaning that you can win too what's available for you too that's like hitting you with the the hose on full blast that is just going to touch the surface level and you're going to feel like you're not being fed emotionally energetically spiritually you're going to feel like once again other people are winning or yeah they said I'm pretty but they're lying yeah they said I'm smart but they're lying yeah they said they want to love

me and be around you know etc etc but they're lying but when we allow ourselves to receive that love what happens is that it trickles down into the deepest parts of us that need the most healing the parts of us that are needing realignment they are out of alignment and that has the ability this is why they say love heals this is why we talk about energy because all of this stuff has the ability to really shift our selfworth and how we ultimately think about ourselves and how we move and navigate through life so this

is also why we want to surround ourselves with people who are like that slow drip of water they are constantly consistently showing us how much they care that we are worthy that we are in a safe environment we are able to give that to ourselves to constantly reinforce positive ways of thinking this is also how we avoid being love bombed by friends and partners whichever place it falls for you because it is not gender specific because those people are like that host where they're going to come in hot and heavy all the time it you

know trying to get attention or trying to give you all kinds of attention but it never seeps past the surface they're not consistent with it they're not continuously showing us that level of care or love and ways that you do this for yourself when we're talking about maintaining autonomy and agency over ourselves is the way that you show up for yourself I saw this video of this girl who was talking about um the fact that she was able to shop at whole foods that was such a big deal for her the fact that she could

actually afford to be there so it can be small things like that small things that you invite into your life and you give yourself permission to do this is why I also say that luxury is is a spectrum and what you decide and deem as luxury is what you add to or take away from your life like for example even the fact that we have time as a luxury so how do you increase time in your life it could be as simple as saying that you're going to delegate certain things you're going to automate certain

things in your life you're going to ask other people to help you do certain things hire someone to do certain things or instead of focusing all of your time on I don't know like little things like emails responding to every single email you're going to prioritize what's more important with your kids if you're a mom and you're thinking about constantly cooking are there meals that you can do that are smaller that don't require as much effort and work like it is totally up to you I am always going to remind you that you have the

agency over yourself you can decide what it looks like for you you want to remember that the control is within your hands and when we talk about luxury inviting luxury into your life it can look like so many different things we want to be practicing actively practicing the art of returning to ourselves connecting back with ourselves allowing ourselves to stretch to reinvent to be curious about what is possible for us this is how we change this is how we shift and how we grow [Music]