What do narcissists do to truth tellers? (Narcissistic Family Roles)

hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome back to this sort of mini-series on family rolls I put this series together because many of you who grew up in narcissistic family systems recognize that yes you did play a role in that system was given to you and that role was something that might have kept you safe or sane but sadly in all cases these family roles were often designed to ensure that the narcissistic parent usually got their narcissistic supply the struggle with these family roles is they often follow you into adulthood and can not only be

the role you continue to play in your family but also can impact the kinds of roles you take in other adult relationships the more you can understand these the more you can sort of try to crack out of them break out of them and not be so defined by your early years and the roles you had in your family system today we're going to be taking on a very interesting family role called the truth teller as you watch this video and as we get to the end of it I want you to pay attention because

if you feel like you were one of the truth-tellers out there drop it in the comments it's always really wonderful for this whole community to see what roles you found yourself in and so to see what how that affected you but if you're a truth-teller let us know but you're gonna have to listen to figure out if you were one and as always if you're enjoying this content and you haven't already please hit that subscribe button join us on this really robust and ever-growing community on youtube so let's talk about the truth teller there is

always a child in every family system who gets it I know I have to tell you this is the person who gets it whether it's a narcissistic family system or not they just get it the challenge is in a narcissistic family system getting it seeing everything clearly is almost a dangerous thing to be the truth teller is the child like I said who gets it who sees it whether they say it or not they often do say it the way kids do it's largely from a naive perspective of simply telling the truth and that's what's

so beautiful about kids for example a kid might say you know mom it seems like dad gets mad whenever he has a bad day at work or mom sure doesn't like it when people don't think she's smart bless their hearts it's the truth and the challenge is narcissus hate when anybody calls them out on their truth whether it is an adult calling calling them out or a child calling them out for a narcissist being called out induces shame and then rage but children are fantastic I love kids kids are fantastic for so many reasons and

I have to say their ability to be the one to call out the Emperor for not wearing any clothes is foremost amongst their virtues for those of you who don't remember the story remember it was that story where the child who finally called out the very vain and narcissistic emperor who was actually naked but thought he looked great wearing great clothes and all the enabling citizens of the land just stared quizzically at the naked Emperor or told him he looked great while it was a kid who pointed at him and said blow that dudes not

wearing any clothes the truth teller will usually have their truth-telling silenced before long the truth teller will come to understand as a child that calling a narcissistic parent or sibling or other family member out is potentially a disaster so over time they may keep their truth to themselves in fact by dint of them being a truth teller they also run the risk of becoming the scapegoat really fast with age and time the truth teller will often become the sort of proverbial black sheep often the one who sees the family dynamic with clarity even though a

child obviously wouldn't typically not know the word narcissist they know something mate right they will witness the triangulation the enabling the gas lighting the codependency the trauma bonding and even without any of that vocabulary that truth-telling child knows all of its wrong the truth teller is the child who is biding their time often waiting for the chance to get out of this dysfunctional system the truth teller child may also have a very rich inner world in which through play or storytelling or through some other means well either make up stories in their heads about escaping

they may as kids dream of living in faraway places of traveling of building a spaceship of digging to another dimension of reading books and of watching movies about faraway places think about all the kids movies out there about a kid escaping dysfunction and through their imagination those kids will try and figure out a way of getting out and I have worked with young adult truth tellers who did everything from join the military or take teaching positions that would put them on the other side of the earth just to get as far away from home as

possible being a truth teller is really tough because the parents and other family members will sort of sense the danger of the truth teller an attempt to shut them down beyond just scapegoating the truth teller the truth teller may also experience isolation flying monkeys for example other extended family members telling the truth teller that they're being disrespectful for thinking what they're thinking or saying what they're saying that they're biting the hand that feeds them that they are not respecting their elders that they are insolent all those flying monkey things that they do to sort of

shut that truth teller down and interestingly the truth teller does not always need to speak there's something really interesting about them it's clear just on their little faces that they get it and they see it in adult narcissistic relationships it's interesting because narcissus have an uncanny ability to detect when someone in the room sees into their insecure core they tend to avoid these people narcissus will avoid truth tellers when they can truth tellers can become those people again who have this unbelievable ability to see into their core and truth tellers literally have that ability from

childhood again it's very uncanny it's very interesting and it's quite special it's a journey that goes in a different few different ways for the truth teller in some cases especially if the truth-telling child is resilient and resilient to what's happening to them they are they'll be relative loners in their family system they learn how to take sort of a proverbial psychological punch these are the kids who will create their own inner rich worlds whether they're imaginary creative they'll participate in the arts music be very good at school engage in sports spend time outside they allow

the fantasy world of escape to proliferate and they will slowly figure out a way to make that story narrative fantasy happen they find a way to sequester themselves from the madness that's happening around them however there are also truth telling kids who may not have had the opportunity to develop that same level of resilience for them there is a significant risk of mental health issues depression anxiety social isolation difficulties with concentration and school performance and because no one is going to throw the truth telling child any help in a narcissistic family system that truth-telling child

struggles may literally go unnoticed except maybe by people in their schools like their teachers and then if those concerns are reported to the family the family is going to do nothing to help that truth-telling child anyhow because truth tellers do so often grow up in narcissistic families not always but typically despite their wisdom they too can be plagued with anxiety regardless of their resilience whether that child is Raziel not anxiety is a big part of a truth-tellers life so although they know that the best path out of this of this situation is to get out

and go far away they sometimes lack the self confidence and sense of self-worth to activate their rather excellent plan of getting out they just don't believe in themselves enough to do it as truth tellers get older they are more likely to become estranged distanced and move away from the family system and it may be an all-or-nothing sacrifice they may actually have siblings for example of whom they are very fond or other family members that they really like but recognize that to stay for those other family members if they stay close to the truth teller those

other family members may also have to become isolated along with the truth teller and those other family members may not be willing to do that that's obviously quite devastating for the truth teller in the system like I said it's all or nothing they may feel like they have to lose everyone just to get distance from the toxic situation of all the family roles despite the potentially devastating impacts this is not such a bad family role it's sort of like having psychological extrasensory perception that they can see a toxic cycle and not actively or even that

passively enable it most adults never get to the truth-telling place so it's absolutely extraordinary when a child is able to get it over time as the truth teller gets older they are often regarded by their narcissistic family members with a combination of contempt and fear this combination can actually keep the narcissistic family members at arm's length from the truth teller and allow the truth teller to not be as enmeshed with in a toxic family system which obviously is good for the truth teller but obviously there's a different side to this there's a loneliness to this

because the truth-telling child at an early age has to grasp the reality that significant players in their lives people who are supposed to keep them safe and love them on conditionally didn't and that recognition is painful whether or not you're a truth-telling child yeah there is a freedom and a wisdom to being the truth teller but there is also a permanent sort of sense of grief that can pervade the person who is the truth teller the recognition of not having a safe space of feeling like you don't really have a family and that kind of

loneliness and isolation can obviously very devastatingly and potentially impact adult relationships the truth teller to me is incredibly intriguing especially when I've seen in kids and because I don't work with children clinically when I've seen truth-telling kids it's actually been more anecdotally I've seen it in people close to me like I've know or people knowing people who have narcissistic spouses and watch their child and Maher is a there's a quietness about these kids there is a deliberation and how they move they're very circumspect in a strange way for a little kid they're often very mindful

they're very wide-eyed they take in everything going on around them and it's almost like you can hear their wheels turning I find them quite intriguing when I've had the rare opportunities to observe them they're often quite bright you know they may not be school smart but there's just something smart about them you know whatever I mean I don't beliefs I think schools won't put only a small part of smart smart can be that you can take apart an engine smart can be that you can make a beautiful painting smart can be that you can whip

up a hell of a dinner I mean smart smart it's obviously different these kids are often like they have this cleverness that they may or may not share but it is painful also to watch how the truth teller does learn to slowly silence themselves and again when I say that they get it but the truth teller really sees his face just more than anything see this isn't okay this is not okay to gas light it's not okay to invalidate it's not okay to treat my siblings this way it's not okay to treat me or my

other parents or other people or the guy at the gas station it's not okay and again you see that kid wide-eyed taking it all and truth tellers can often go on to do some great things in fact one thing truth tellers can often do quite well as go into healing professions for example you can become good therapists because they're willing to call things out they tend not so much to even be enablers when they grow up they really are willing to call things out and it's it's sort of brave and again lonely to be a

truth teller because you keep calling people out I don't even care if it's just your family if you're willing to call out call people out in the workplace if you're willing to call people out in friend groups if you're willing to call out people in your community trust me sometimes people get uncomfortable with that you know that and there are the people who are often on the outs so in truth-tellers you're often also find some really cool stuff some interesting entrepreneurs who say you know what I'm gonna just run myself a healthy shop myself I'm

gonna do what I want the way that it feels good to me because I don't want to participate in toxic structured toxic cultures and in in that way I don't like calling truth-tellers loners I think there's a real negative connotation around loners I think truth tellers become very comfortable in their own solitude because I think it's there they find a sort of comfortable kind of peace so to you truth tellers out there let us know who you are do you get it drop it here am i honest if you're a truth tell you don't even

need to watch this challenge probably get it better than I do frankly but drop it down there tell us for your truth teller tell us if you had other roles from being a truth teller and how that plays out in adulthood as always thank you again I hope to continue being at least in modern times you're a truth teller as always I appreciate your willingness to participate in this content and hope that in some ways it's lightening your burden thanks again bye