Why people DON'T LIKE IT when you are NICE to them: mind the gap in your attraction

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is why people don't like it when you're nice to them chances are you have experienced this phenomenon yourself there's somebody that you like there's somebody that you admire you want to show your affection you want to give them a token of your appreciation and it feels like you're repaid only with contempt ingratitude and disinterest some people will accept your gift in the spirit in which it is given but many will not and this can be a puzzling

phenomenon for folks that's where I come in I'm here to explain to you why it is that people don't like you when you're nice to them the key to this puzzle has to do with the balance of Attraction now different people have different preferences with respect to the role they prefer to be in that is some people prefer to be the adored and some rather most people prefer to be the Adora and they also have preferences with respect to the size of the Gap they would like to experience in their relationships there are some people

out there who want that Gap to be as close to equal as possible these folks can get really uncomfortable with even the idea of power imbalances which spoiler alert is actually one of the best ways to maintain a power imbalance and they want a perfect democracy between equal partners and there are some folks out there who like that Gap to be fairly sizable while some toxic relationships have large power imbalances not all relationships with large power imbalances are toxic relationships some people want to lead and some or rather most people want to follow think benevolent

dictatorship in any case there those are the two ends of the spectrum with respect to the Gap in the balance of attraction it's also true that these are not static preferences that said the same person might prefer to be the adorer relative to one person and the adored relative to another some people always want to be the adored some people always want to be the adorer however most people want to be adored by the people they want to be adored by and they want to adore the people they want to adore make sense right and

both positions and gaps can shift and change over time so these Dynamics and preferences can really only be understood in context all right so what does that have to do with anything well when you demonstrate affection or appreciation when you give time energy gifts what you are functionally doing is placing the other in the role of the adored in increasing the gap between the two of you this is especially true if the time energy and gifts are not reciprocated which is the case that we're discussing here if you're nice to somebody and they don't like

it we're talking about a non-reciprocal situation this increases the Gap in the balance of Attraction and that can make people uncomfortable for a number of reasons now before I go any further if you're liking what I'm saying then please consider sending this video to someone who might benefit from its message its Word of Mouth referrals like that that really help to make the channel grow and if you're thinking about going to grad school then please check out my top rated self-study GRE program at Stellar gre.com you can use the coupon code psych for 10 off

all membership plans now this increasing Gap in the balance of Attraction can make people uncomfortable because they don't prefer to be the adored or they don't want to be the adored in relation to you or they do want to be the adored in relation to you but the Gap is becoming too large for their tastes for whatever reason your efforts are creating an awkward interpersonal Dynamic and continuing to expend effort will continue to make this Dynamic more Awkward it's not going to win you any favors now when people are mean to you after you show

them respect and appreciation whether they're conscious fit or not what they're functionally doing is either trying to punish or at least not reinforce the behavior that is increasing the Gap in attraction and they do this by being unlikable ungrateful disrespectful ignoring minimizing and contemptuous their response is an attempt to communicate a message please like me less please the Gap in our attraction is making me uncomfortable and I will help you like me less by behaving unlikably interestingly if this attempt succeeds and you actually back off and don't pursue and expend less effort the other person

might begin to respond positively to you why because the balance of Attraction has been recalibrated to their preferred gap size does that make sense now sometimes I get pushback from people on this idea they take offense and tell me oh so I just can't do nice things for people I'm just supposed to be an all the time is that it I'm just a nice person and I like to do nice things for people is that so bad Orion and I would respond well yeah sometimes it is so bad more is not always better in a

relationship remember it's the cat who decides what milk is good the negative reaction of the person you are being nice to is their way of communicating that that milk is not good for them insisting that they should take your affection and appreciation and respond with positive regard is selfish it's communicating my preference for The Gap and the imbalance of Attraction takes precedence over your preferences for the same that's not nice people that's selfish complaining that women are cruel or men are ungrateful is missing the point those people are giving you constructive feedback which if you

can get your ego out of the way you could use to recalibrate your behavior to potentially have a more successful and satisfying relationship with that person not always but it's possible the idea that you just want to be nice to somebody is kind of let's keep it a buck and there's a very simple way to demonstrate this if you really just want the other person to smile or to have a nice day or to have an easier life or whatever then would you offer the same gifts and support anonymously that's the real test would you

be okay with the other person not knowing the good came from you or even thinking the good things came from somebody else if you just want to make their lives better why would it matter be real honest with yourself the vast majority of people are seeking after some form of positive regard and consideration that comes as a result of being the acknowledged Giver of those resources and benefits and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that it doesn't make you a bad person if you want to be recognized for the good that you do but it does

make you a little self-deceptive if you won't admit that even to yourself on the other hand if you're all right with giving without any expectation of appreciation or reward if you are not bothered when your good is repaid with bad then congratulations you might be a virtuous person capable of love that doesn't mean though that you're not seeking reward will be rewarded but hey virtue is its own reward right so in short when people don't like it when you're nice to them it's their way of communicating like me less and if you get the message

they might end up actually liking you more what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and if you've gotten this far you might as well like this episode And subscribe to this channel you may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation as always thank you for listening