Nikki Glaser Opening Monologue | 82nd Annual Golden Globes

good evening and welcome to the 82nd Golden Globes oic's biggest night if you're watching on CBS hello if you're watching on Paramount plus you have six days left to cancel your free trial I'm Nikki Glazer and I am absolutely thrilled to be your host tonight thank you and I got to say I got to say this feels like I finally made it you know I'm in a room full of producers at the Beverly Hilton Hotel and this time all of my clothes are on so yeah it was worth [Music] it now some of you may

know me as a standup comedian and from my appearances on roast but I am not here to roast you tonight I want you to know that and how could I really you're all so famous so talented so powerful I mean you could really do anything I mean tell the country who to vote for but it's okay you'll you'll get them next time if there is one I'm scared Ariana hold my finger thank you thank you well tonight we celebrate the best of film and hold space for television yes Wicked queer night these are not just

words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms these are some of the Incredible movies nominated tonight the bear the penguin baby reindeer these are not just things found in rfk's freezer these are TV shows nominated tonight and what a night I look out and I see some of the hardest working actors in Show Business and by that mean your servers yes yes give it up they'll be bringing you your cocktails to drink and your food that you'll look at but I also see some absolute Hollywood Legends I mean we have got some huge movie stars here

tonight Kate Winslet is here Kate Blanchett Colin frell and let's not forget let's not forget so many huge TV stars as well Kate Winslet Kate Blanchett Colin phell I mean even Oscar winning actor Eddie redm did TV this year he's nominated for peacocks The Day of the Jackal yes yes it's about a top secret Elite Sniper that no one can find cuz he's on peacock I think I've seen more actual peacocks in my life than shows on peacock but Denzel Washington is is here for Gladiator 2 Cynthia Revo is here for Wicked and Martin Short

is here because we have cameras I love you Zena is here Zena you were incredible in Dune oh my God I I woke up for all of your scenes you are so good and challenge girl oh my God it was so good I I mean that movie was more sexually charged than Diddy's credit card I mean seriously oh no no I I know I'm sorry I'm upset too the Afterparty is not going to be as good this year but we have to move on I know what Stanley Tui freak off just doesn't have the same

ring to it but no baby oil this year just lots of olive oil okay Tilda Swinton is here Tilda Swinton amazing Tilda Swinton is of course nominated this year for her role as Timothy shalam you're amazing where is Timothy shalam Timothy where hi Timothy you were great as Timothy shalam this year too really and I love you and can I just say you have the most gorgeous eyelashes on your upper lip I think this is just such a good luck I love you dude you were so good in a complete unknown as Bob Dylan wasn't

he just incredible so good dude seriously in fact I actually read that your singing voice was so accurate that even Bob Dylan himself admitted that it was absolutely horrible you nailed it and you know Timothy you're just so great at playing these like beloved eccentrics Dylan uh Willie Wonka who's next Adam Sandler please actually your name sounds like something Adam Sandler would say shom me a shom oh yesth shom I think Sandler Sandler's here Sandler can I get a Shalom shom oh Shalom a good Shalom to you sir do you yes Taylor I love you

well we can't talk about movies tonight without talking about Wicked and I like did not know much about Wicked going into this year cuz I had friends in high school but I loved it I loved it so much everyone loved Wicked I loved Wicked my boyfriend loved Wicked my boyfriend's boyfriend really loved Wicked was so much fun it's just like it's so much fun fun seeing a musical in the theater and you know some theaters had issues with the musicals you know at Wicked some people complained that the movie was ruined uh by people singing

you know and then at at Joker to some people complain that the movie was ruined by the images on the screen and the sounds that accompanied them but I'm sorry Joker to where's their table oh they're not here that's right um well the legendary Harrison for is here tonight I was actually talking to Harrison backstage and after he gave me his drink order I asked him I said I said would you rather work with Zena or Ariana and he said Inda so we're gonna find him some so so he has a good time tonight we

want you to have fun Nicole Kidman is here oh my gosh nominated for baby girl you're so good I love that movie that movie I give it two fingers up it's so good this is your 20th Golden Globe nomination I mean incredible thank you so much for all of your hard work thank you thank you for working so hard and thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar around the house so much that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year keep struming you cooky koala oh who else is here oh look it's

two-time Holocaust Survivor Adrien Brody who else Glenn pal Glenn pal what a year you've had oh my God Glenn you were in everything Twisters Hitman my head when I'm having sex with my boyfriend thank you so much for the assist I'll see it tonight but Selena Gomez Selena Gomez is here double nominee tonight for Amelia Perez and only murders and she's here tonight with her new fiance Benny Blanco yes and Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish man lucky guy I love you oh Selina you were so good in

Amelia Perez I loved it so much Amelia Perez yes Amelia Perez earned 10 nominations for Netflix and I I loved it I think it is without a doubt the most audacious groundbreaking film to ever autoplay after is it cake seriously so good I'm so excited to be here and I I really think this is like going to be a very memorable evening and and maybe not even in the way that you think I I I predict 5 years from now when when you're watching old clips of the show on YouTube you'll see someone in one

of the crowd shots and you'll go oh my God that was before they caught that guy like we could be making history tonight and like we don't even know with who like he knows you know but or she it could be a woman you know I think 100% of the time it's a man but it could be a woman it won't be it never is kind of like Best Director all right well before we start handing out Awards I do want to remind you if you do lose tonight please just keep in mind that the

point of making art is not to win an award the point of making art is to start a tequila brand so popular that you never have to make art again all right yes are you guys ready to kick this thing off w