The real reason we punish children—and what to do instead | Dr. Chrissy Chard | TEDxMountainAve

by show of hands how many of you here have ever gotten in trouble for something that you did okay looks like I'm in good company then because when I was in fourth grade I cheated on a test a geography test to be specific I got caught and I got in trouble to this day I can still remember what it felt like in my body to have disappointed my teachers and my parents in fact even now when I think about it my Palms get a little bit sweaty and I can feel my heart racing I remember

feeling embarrassed and so ashamed it was this feeling that I was bad I also remember my punishment which was that I would not be allowed to go out for volleyball that season fast forward to decades later when I found myself myself working very closely with young people as a researcher interested in self-esteem and physical activity I started hearing these amazing young people share stories of what it was like for them to get in trouble to be lectured punished yelled at they'd say things like I don't need a lecture to know I messed up getting yelled

at it makes me feel stupid I'm never enough for them and of course as I listen to these stories I couldn't help but reflect on the way that I had been interacting with young people I could think of plenty of times that I went straight into lecture mode and I was also a parent by that point so I had all kinds of examples of times I'd yelled at my own kids or taken away something that they love out of punishment and it was then that I started feeling pretty guilty now we're going to get into

this topic around punishment but before we do I want to say something really important which is that none of what I'm about to say means that if you use punishment you're somehow a bad person I used that example at the beginning of when I got punished and I have the furthest thing from bad parents what I am inviting us to do over these next several minutes is to be open to considering what the impact is on young people of consistently using punishment and when I say punishment I'm talking about this belief that the way to

change someone's behavior is by imposing external consequences or taking away something important to someone in our Western culture punishments are nearly synonymous with the word discipline and truthfully using punishments to discipline is so incredibly common many of us have never really paused to consider why we punish in the first place some of you might think well I always got yelled at when I got in trouble maybe others of you are trying to keep the young people in your lives from making the same mistakes that you or if you're like me you simply never pause long

enough to even consider whether punishments actually get us the outcome that we want but what is the outcome that we want what do we desire for the young people in our lives in the spirit of our theme of flourishing I think that's what most of us want that young people grow up as thoughtful humans with a strong moral compass and sense of self who know that they are worthy of being known and loved just as they are mistakes and all but if that's the outcome we want it begs the question what impact do punishments have

on young people flourishing well as I continued to hear more and more of these stories from young people at the same time I had this growing gut feeling that the way I was punishing my own kids didn't feel good I knew there had to be a better way so I began learning as much as I possibly could and having done that I've come to really understand how it is that the consistent use of punishment actually gets in the way of young people flourishing and here's how first punishments often impact our ability to tolerate and regulate

our emotions emotion regulation when that gets shut down we end up relying on any number of negative coping mechanisms to numb ourselves because the pain the discomfort feels like too much to handle we tap out of hardships emotion regulation can't fully develop if we rush to punish without creating space for young people to learn how to tolerate regulate even identify their emotions second punishments can pretty significantly impact someone's confidence and sense of self-worth perpetuating this vicious cycle with where by someone makes a mistake gets punished for it feels ashamed because of that and then doesn't

feel capable or even worthy of changing it's why one student I worked with who I'm calling Jace shared with me that they don't even try to stop smoking anymore because quote I can tell my parents already think I'm hopeless so what good is it to keep trying I just hide it better now finally punishments can often hinder the learning process not ideal if what we're trying to do is to quote teach a lesson Psychology and Neuroscience tell us that learning happens best when we're in a calm connected even playful State and not in fight ORF

flight that physical reaction I mentioned earlier my sweaty palms and my racing heart that's fight or flight and it's not a place where learning happens well when we as adults rush to punish it very often backfires because we haven't actually created the safe non-judgmental space where self-reflection and problem solving where true learning can happen going back to that fourth grade geography test did I learn my lesson and never cheat again no in fact I got caught again in high school as another student who I'm calling cam candidly shared with me when I got suspended last

semester I definitely wasn't sitting in my room thinking wow Mom Dad and teachers thanks for teaching me this valuable lesson no I was in there figuring out how to hide it better and this theme of hiding it better is one that comes up often among the young people I work with now here's the thing about hiding stuff from us I hate to admit it because I know that we as adults like to think that we are really Savvy but the reality is it is so easy for young people to hide things from us plus more

important than that the more they feel the need to hide things from us the more we risk that they stop bringing their hard stuff to us altoe and that can have dire consequences I will never forget what one student I'm calling Sage shared with me punishments made me feel like I couldn't communicate with my parents and at one point led me to be a victim of extortion because of some photos I shared I suffered in silence for fear of being punished rather than being heard and helped here's the thing y'all young people make mistakes we

all do but my experience has taught me that nearly 100% of the time there's at least a somewhat understandable reason for those behaviors I'm not saying it's always justifiable but I am saying it's typically understandable because underneath every single behavior is a need and that went for fourth grade me too I cheated on that geography test because somewhere along the line whether through the media my teachers or my family of origin I got the message that my need to feel valued a core Universal human need was earned through achievement our job as adults in the

lives of young people is to get underneath their behaviors and find the root find the need that underlies it but we can't do that if they won't share their hard stuff with us out of fear of being punished or of disappointing us what I've come to really understand is that it's actually my job as the adult in their lives to create the conditions where they do feel safe enough to share things with me now after working with young people for many years I I've shifted my focus a bit to now also working with adults and

because I work with literally hundreds of parents and teachers in my work as a parenting coach and consultant I know that at least some of you are thinking to yourselves right now okay Chrissy but if we don't punish how do we get them to stop XYZ Behavior well we've already unpacked a bit just how counterproductive punishments can end up being because a it can keep young people from feeling capable and worthy which are necessary requirements for long-term Behavior change and B we never actually get at the root underneath but others of you might be thinking

so what are we supposed to do instead I'm glad you asked the recipe for moving past punishment for getting underneath behaviors and supporting young people flourishing has three ingredients and they all conveniently start with r it's about being responsive reflective and reparative let's start with being responsive meaning in the moment when young people share with us a mistake they made the first step always is to take a breath and say thank you for trusting me with this I'm really glad we're talking about it just like when a close friend confides in us about a mistake

they made we offer compassion validation and love we would never say to someone we care about how could you be so careless or or you can forget hanging out with me this weekend you're grounded no we would say that sounds really hard thanks for telling me now when it comes to being responsive a question I like to follow with is sharing or solving if they just want to share then being responsive is about not reacting it's about listening deeply listening which means no no interruption or distraction no advice and to the best of our ability

avoiding judgment see listening is so powerful because do you know what the two things are that young people tell me more than anything else or what they want from the adults in their lives to feel less alone and to be believed now if you ask that question sharing or solving and they say solving then being responsive happens through collaboration and permission another student who I'm calling Arya shared with me the very skillful way her dad does this he always asks permission before giving me advice and he's such a good listener that when we come up

with a solution together it's usually really good because he was actually listening to what I was dealing with ultimately being responsive is about trusting that young people are inherently good and want to do well and that have given the safe non-judgmental space to process their emotions and find the need underneath a solution which sometimes includes a related consequence can naturally emerge together now let's talk about the other two being reflective and reparative reflection is about the willingness to look inward to ask ourselves questions like what keeps me from being able to stay calm why is

my default to punish what am I believing about this young person or about myself when they make mistakes and finally just like those needs that underly young people's behavior what are the needs underlying my yelling lecturing punishing repair which by the way is one of the most impactful things that we can do with the young people in our life is about acknowledging and feeling remorse for the ways we've fallen short forgiving ourselves and apologizing without buts not I'm sorry but I'm sorry and here's what I'll do differently next time let's use an example that I

have a decent amount of experience with in my own parenting to illustrate both reflection and repair one afternoon last weekend I really got after one of my kiddos for the way they were treating their sister I got into rage mode which I'm sure none of you know anything about I yelled I threatened to take their device away and I stormed off into my office I found myself standing there in front of my picture of this big tree with its roots down deep and there I was able to come back to the present moment where the

reflection happened I started with a breath that's the key all always a breath and a quick self checkin who Chrissy where did that come from Well we'd been stuck at homesick for several days on end I wasn't sleeping well and see I had this upcoming tedex talk that I was really thinking a lot about the irony right so I put my hand on my heart and I reminded myself it makes sense that you hit your Breaking Point you're still learning too parenting is hard and so is being a kid from there I moved into repair

I went to find my child who was in their room crying you know that kind where it's kind of hard to catch your breath I asked if I could come in and I sat down next to them I said hey I imagine that felt pretty scary when I screamed at you like that I want to remind you that it's my responsibility to keep myself calm not yours I'm really sorry and next time I'll try to step in a little sooner and check in with you first is there anything you want to share with me and

you know what's remarkable my child said to me uh I'm sorry too Mom I just really needed some space I think I'll go check in on my sister now if there is one thing I want you to take away and really hear me on this it's that it is never too late to start taking this approach it works whether you're a teacher and you snapped at some students yesterday after seeing their exam scores or you're a parent and you've been using punishment their entire life see this approach is so powerful because through the process young

people come to trust us and themselves because the truth is they are right to notice that punishments don't feel good when we can be respons I reflective and reparative we build the kind of relationship where the young people in our lives keep turning to us for support right now when they're six or 12 or 18 and also when they're 28 and 38 as well I want to leave us all with an invitation let's all choose one of those three Rs responsive reflective and reparative and over the next couple of days let's practice that with someone

in our life and then if you're really feeling up to it ask them to share with you how that felt as we wrap up I want us to zoom out and consider the bigger picture of taking this approach because while this shift toward more compassion and openness starts inside of our relationships and homes and schools the impact of taking this approach is far reaching because what we are really doing when we listen to the young people in our lives and we Foster these beliefs of goodness and worthiness as we are humanizing one another including ourselves

and what we need more than anything right now is to see the goodness and the humanity in one another thank you