Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 56

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All Things Comedy

Bill and Bert prattle on about acting, bombing auditions, and Jim Carey. produced by Andrew Themeles and @All Things Comedy Subscribe! http://bit.ly/SubscribeToATC Subscribe to the podcast! Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-bill-bert-podcast/id1484912138 RSS Feed: https://rss.art19.com/the-bill-bert-podcast Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7rsVFJF1jVga092r0DtZ5r More from All Things Comedy! http://www.allthingscomedy.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AllThingsComedy/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/allthingscomedy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/allthingscomedy/ Follow Bill! Twitter: https://twitter.com/billburr Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/billburrofficial/ Website: http://billburr.com/ Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345 Follow Bert! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BertKreischer/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bertkreischer Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/74FGB3Pn9T1jx3zOPEI9jp https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bertcasts-podcast/id585103759 #BillBurr #BertKreischer #ATC #AllThingsComedy #FIsForFamily #MondayMorningPodcast #Bertcast #Netflix #ATCPresents #SomethingsBurning

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Video Transcript:

[Music] hey what's going on everybody and it's time for another wonderful episode of the bill podcast i'll just do the whole thing oh my god i feel like an international reporter can i say where you're at yeah of course bert kreischer starring in his own movie shooting in serbia Yeah an international star now you got a lot of fans out that way i know that i mean you're almost near all your buddies out there in russia you are a [ __ ] eastern european i'd say i damn near a pinup you got the build man you got that that i don't know slovakian [ __ ] uh you you don't want those people to get their hands on you they'll they'll tear your limbs off this part of The this part of the world's been good to me you want to hear something crazy bill last uh last week right my buddy texts me and he says last week was when i met you at florida that's when you started at florida state like 30 years ago 30 years ago last week that week is when i first went to florida state 25 Years ago that week that exact same week is when i went to russia for the first time and then last week at 48 years old i started a production of my movie whatever the [ __ ] has happened during that one week of my life has been good [ __ ] that one [ __ ] week yeah i i love that christmas [ __ ] the dumb response to that dude this time next year we got to go to Vegas and you're going to hit everything um dude i'm very uh happy for you and excited to see i mean it's about the time there's been this isn't autobiographical yeah well it's i mean it's based on a truth by you know i don't know i don't even know how that sorry you would definitely have eastern european [ __ ] internet is it dial up Over there because there's been a lot of slowing down and speeding up during this so we're just gonna have to deal with this okay this is what happens when you have the sha same shooting schedule as james bond okay bert kreischer is going to a new level but when you get nominated okay we can talk about it because this is like your lucky week when you get Nominated okay do you go shirtless on the red carpet now this is that a separate brand from your stand-up special this is bert this is a news a new more uh older wiser more clothed bird crusher i go i go share this bill on the red carpet oh hardcore i love it now you're gonna go chip and tales with like the uh bow tie are you saving the surprise Uh i started wearing scarves so probably just a scarf i love it i love it hey that's the you know what i wanted to ask you about because uh this is all brand new stuff to me and it's i could mail you some weed no yeah but what what were the things you did what were things you did where you were really nervous when you started like it was when you first started to Stand up because i was terrified last week oh yeah no everything everything everything has scared the [ __ ] out of me from uh going on my first open mic to uh host an snl last year that was dude i thought about it you know i thought about i thought about you hosting snl and i thought risk versus reward like i i don't know if i wouldn't i don't know if the reward is high enough For me to enjoy it and you murdered it but just the the nerves of that must have been absolutely terrifying no i i had a meltdown right before i went in but then i for the rest of the week because i didn't want to put my wife through it you know for the whole week so i just i just talk [ __ ] in my head and there's a different like there's this talking [ __ ] which is Actually self-help shouting down your demons i believe um and then there's just being an arrogant ass i wasn't going around going i'm gonna be the greatest host of all time i wasn't saying that people would say hey man good luck on snl you're gonna kill it and i would just say i am and it felt good to say it i just kept saying and then it just kind of Went away and then i really minimized the stress as much as i could i was just like okay today's monday when it when we're not going live today why don't i enjoy monday today's tuesday not going live so monday tuesday wednesday thursday we're out friday was pre-tapes and i've done movies and if you screw it up you get to do it again which is the situation you're in and then um saturday it was just like Well there's no reason to get nervous until 11 45 p.m other than that you know the run through have fun act like an idiot make all the crazy choices see what works see what doesn't and then uh then like dude and i gotta tell you something when you when you go to tape the show it goes by in like two seconds before you realize what the hell you just did you're introducing the band for The second time and they're telling you the last sketch got cut and then you just like i remember that and then pete goes dude you're done you're done you did it and i was just like oh my god and then they're playing it's like clapping like oh my god i did i want to thank everybody he's like i didn't blow it i don't know how good it was but i i remembered you know i didn't mess up My jokes and it's it's so what i do with um with a gig like that the acting gig like i've never started something but i had a uh you know that big one a couple years ago with pete you know opposite an oscar winner i had another meltdown i just you just go like what i don't do i don't think of the whole thing if i'm on this thing for [ __ ] three Months that's what i did when i first got there and i wanted to quit the business and just be a guy that drives a truck that's what i wanted to do i said that the fir before we started shooting i thought i i was saying the most negative [ __ ] in my head that i was like because i was nervous i was like what the [ __ ] why am i doing this i got i got a Podcast like stand up like who the [ __ ] i i write my own words i say my own words on stage like you just i don't want to be this famous yeah right i just want to be little me i want to be little me in my little part of entertainment that's what always goes this is too high man this is too high you start freaking out what if we have an engine failure yeah i definitely um dude i have to watch That because that is a form of self-sabotage so and it'll cause you if you if you don't have control of that you will steer the bus into a tree and take everybody sitting behind you with you so you really got to make sure so what i do in those situations is i go in there and what i'm doing is for the other people i just show up on time i know my lines i [ __ ] kill it i just try to make Everybody laugh i try to keep it light not be a pain in the ass and just show up ready to work and once you do that for like three four days in a row and they realize oh he wasn't just in a good mood this is how he's gonna be yeah everybody chills and then they're having a good time and then it's so out of your control like you just gotta hope It comes together and uh as far as acting dude i don't give a if somebody gives me a [ __ ] line read this i know i'm not an actor i love a line read like is it trying to dance around it no it's more emotional it's possible i read it i love it i love a line read yeah just say how you want me to say it i'll do three different versions of that and if that doesn't work you got the Other [ __ ] that i did that obviously didn't work because you were still shooting this [ __ ] i don't understand actors that get upset with the line read it's like don't you guys want to go home yeah it's like the most [ __ ] up communication like i'm going to tell you what i want but i can't just tell you so i got to go around and be like okay bert like it's It's like you know it's kind of like say like the line is let's get the [ __ ] out of here they got to use like a they got to use different words like hey man and you're like hey man hurry up so then you're going to be like hey let's get the [ __ ] out of here you like trying to match what they said it's just like say the words that i'm saying the way you Want me to say it so i can [ __ ] go home yeah yeah i have because i have [ __ ] anxiety sorry we're gonna over talk each other with this feed sorry no no no you talk you talk you talk you talk go go you talk see what you're doing my last two acting gigs um was the first time i wasn't nervous at all in a good way we're like you know if you Go down to the store which by the way is open again um if you go down there you know you got to do a 10-minute spot you're not nervous you've done it a million times but blah blah blah i finally got to a point the last two acting gigs i just did one and i did one uh last year before all this pandemic [ __ ] happened um oh uh the mandalorian and i wasn't nervous i was coming back i Knew the people on set i had already proven that you know i i i could do the job they wanted me to do so i could relax and not think i was going to get fired after every take and um and we just joked around and they were busting my balls i was busting their chops and we just really just kind of had fun and then all of a sudden uh it was just it's like that's a wrap On bill and i was just like i remember driving home being actually like sad like wow man i'm really sad that's over i love working for those people but also i'm psyched because now i can you know sleep in tomorrow but i then i was thinking like hey i think you really get nervous i didn't get nervous i ad-libbed i made the crew laugh and that Was like a big thing from like to me that's like the actor version of like when i was a kid and i would watch a comedian do panel that was really good at it i remember being like i want to get good at that and then when i would see actors and they would improvise and make the crew laugh on a take i i remember thinking like i would love to do that because like the first i don't know how many decade and a half Of acting every once in a while i would do it and that would make him laugh and i would feel a hundred feet tall but then i'd do it again and it wouldn't work and then i'd be like that buzzing on bugs bunny like oh no no not gonna do it no no gonna get fired no and i just was really because i am inherently a really shy introverted person so my and my acting gigs were so few and far between That whatever i learned 90 of it went away and i had to start over again kind of like what the way when i try to learn french i do it hardcore for three months then leave for [ __ ] four months and come back i just never get to it so um anyway why am i talking so much when you're no no no no no no i'm because because i've you you're one of the few guys in our field with the comics that have put Himself out there and tried to do movies and and say the the fear is nah not not that many a lot of guys get into the lane of podcasting and stand up and then that's where they live and myself being one of them oh you mean now okay and and you've done things in this business that yeah yeah now and you've done things in this business which make you really uncomfortable like snl hosting snl and i mean You're one of the first guys i remember paneling often where it was like like everyone's like oh i want a panel now you know um and i and i i've been thinking about you a lot i'm dying to know what it was like because when you work with someone who can really act like i think me and you are like jobbers right ham and eggers but when you work with like a marissa tomei or the women i'm working with right now And they can really act and they all of a sudden flip that switch and they make you act you're like wait what the [ __ ] did you just do no but that means you're a good actor though because you're listening to them and you're taking what they're giving you because that's all you got to do it's like um it's like jamming with people that are better musicians than you are Yeah just don't get outside of what you do like i remember uh i had a i had a drum thing coming up and i was no i was going to go see this this bass player victor wooten who's one of the best bass players in the world he's at this place crash mansion or something downtown l.a i don't know if it even exists but i just had this feeling he was going to call me up on stage because he was That kind of guy where he didn't give his [ __ ] and one of my uh my buddies gave me i go dude he's gonna pull me up there i'm gonna make an ass out of myself or something he goes dude just go up there and do the phil rudd thing just lay down a beat and they'll be on top of it it'll be fine and you'll get away with it so i went to the show and he's just bringing One beast after another hey this guy played on the thriller album come on up and play keys and he does them first and he goes there's a comedian in the crowd and dude i if i wasn't there with my wife i wouldn't have gone up my wife looked at me she's like you have to go up and it was one of those moments in life like i've had so many my legs are moving as my brain is going stop stop turn around run out the door And i walked all the way up there i just sort of grabbed the mic and and i made some jokes or whatever so people kind of understood that i was a comedian i mean they do this was in the 2000s like nobody had any [ __ ] idea who i was yeah um and i just went up there and i did what my buddy told me to do and it ended up going great bit of a train wreck because i didn't know how to i had never done it It was weird i played i once again introverted in chat i played drums for 20 years by myself like other than jamming with my brothers when i was a kid i just played by myself and that that's what woke me up of like oh music you're supposed to do what you're supposed to do with other people yeah so um getting back to the acting thing just go in And and if they're if you're working with great actors you you just give them what you got they're going to then give you what they have and then you just react to it and then that's it and then also know that you don't have to be gigantic little things little glances little [ __ ] things really become big things on people's flat screen tvs and if we Ever get movie theaters back which i hope we hope we do that's about all i know about acting so um i just hit the [ __ ] piece of tape and i say what they wrote if they don't like it i just go just give me a line yeah i i i i i have no problem with the line read whatsoever my problem with the marks is every time i walk up to my mark and this Is how i do it hey what are you guys doing today is i always make the character's choice that this guy looks at his shoes a lot so i just sort of saw her up walking like this but you kind of ease into what you want to do is you want to catch a piece of tape when it's further away from you yeah okay in helicopter that's more of a low approach you don't want to Do a steep approach you can't come walking up going like this especially the ugly my top of my ugly head you don't want to be doing that dude i do that [ __ ] i do that [ __ ] all the [ __ ] time oh that's the number one thing yeah they'll shoot around it enough times the thing about is if you give like a glance farther enough away of it i think they can shoot around it yeah because i've never actually seen in my My stuff that um i don't watch my [ __ ] so maybe they do watching all these [ __ ] listen to this they're gonna [ __ ] he's clearly right there looking at a tape it's one of those scenes that starts with you sitting and you never get up and they still think they they busted you oh by the way i love sit down acting oh yeah if you're if you're a nervous nelly sit down acting's great because All the nervousness goes in into the chair one of the most difficult things when you first start acting is standing up acting [Music] everybody took an acting class a lady onto my legs because they just kept moving and then they were planted in the ground which was making me angry that someone was putting their [ __ ] hands on me and i was j i ended up having like Restless leg syndrome the class was laughing at me and i was just trying to get the [ __ ] line out but i was just so well back then yeah i was so uh like i don't know someday i'll smoke a cigar dude i figured myself like completely out as far as like i'm not saying i won't make any more mistakes but like i totally understand what 20 to 50 was now what that was That that [ __ ] [ __ ] show you know i know i got good at doing stand-up comedy but my my personal life the [ __ ] i did the people i hurt the way i hurt myself the [ __ ] drinking and smoking and all the [ __ ] i did i i now know what that was all about so oh yeah i want to go back and audition for all the roles i didn't get now that i know that like there's a Confidence once you can act would not connect but once you do something then you go well [ __ ] now i want to audition this makes total sense yeah but the thing is is you had to go through all of those things yeah oh dude i had some brutal ones oh i had built dude i had one one time for boardwalk empire when it first came out and i was thinking oh my god martin Scorsese blah blah blah and they wanted me to do some accent from the 1920s and like i mean like let me tell you something like what do you want me to i had no idea i didn't get a voice coach and then i went in there and the way it was written was the way people talk back then and i just couldn't like and where i was my head i was so scatterbrained I was moving a lot when i was doing stand-up i was sweating on stage dude i was just like i was in motion not in a good way and none of the emotion was connected to what the [ __ ] i was doing i was just an abused kid now an adult trying to figure out [ __ ] life so i went in that dude and i just [ __ ] i don't even know what that i don't even know what i did but i was like not only Will martin scorsese never work with me ever no one will and i i and it was filmed and i wanted to say when i walked out like you're not gonna show him that are you and now i know the deals if it sucks she's not gonna waste his time so he never hopefully never saw it um i bombed with gregory hines rest his soul what i i thought i told this story on This one no gregory heinz oh oh bert this story might make me go drinking again until every once in a while i think of this and you know like i used to do a bit on this where you just make a noise to try to shout the memory out of your head you know like you just think of something you'll be with people and they don't know you're thinking about Something you think about something stupid you didn't also just be like oh it's just like what's the matter like oh nothing i just my back went back it's just like no i'm thinking the [ __ ] that i did that i i oh my god dude i always have to cover my face when i tell this story so it's there's no way for me to equate the [ __ ] humiliation of this now that i've done this big build up but I'll just give you the meat of the story here i went in for this [ __ ] thing and they were really behind they were like an hour behind and the producers were there you know and i hated going to producers like everybody's like you want to go straight to producers you want to go straight to producers because you've it's like march madness If you got to start in the second round so you already get a v rather than just i felt way more comfortable one-on-one with one person i didn't want to go in there with the crowd because you know i used to fantasize like if i had a 2 o'clock audition i used to fantasize about 2 30. we're going at 2 30. yeah gonna be over this knot in my stomach is going to be gone I'm going to get something to eat and then i can i can like you know in the hockey games you know that was back when like the red wings and the avalanche had these great rivalry and i would just go home and watch that on my big stupid square tv so anyway so i have this audition and they're an hour behind there's a bunch of producers in there and i don't want to be there and i just so they end up going to lunch Because their lunch arrived and they sat and they ate their lunch they were an hour behind and then they had lunch so if my audition was at 2 it was 3 30 or something so and i was sitting there and i was just feeling all of these negativity i didn't want to be there and i was just like dude these are all producers in here if you're ever going to make it you got to start crushing these things go in there Be light-hearted make a joke so i was like all right when i go in there i'm gonna make a joke be friendly dude i had to learn how to be friendly i was one of those people my resting face people would just look at me back then and be like dude are you all right and i just feel like yeah yeah what the [ __ ] [ __ ] sitting here is a [ __ ] problem with you like that's that's the Guy i was so i walked in there and they're like hey bill bill hey how are you and i was like and i what i wanted to say was like i'm doing great man how was your lunch that's how i that's in my head that's the way it sounded but with that face i came in i went they went hey bill how you doing i went great how was lunch and they thought i was [ __ ] on them They thought i was [ __ ] on them for taking a lunch break they thought that i thought i was so important dude and i came off like such a dick they were like oh um saw i mean it was hot we we had i was just like oh no no no i didn't mean it that way and then and then this guy taps me and he goes you want to do the scene and i look over and it's gregory heinz he was the star that actually showed up To the audition am i oh my god that's gregory heights and they go an action and he was trying to improvise he was like hit me with the sides trying to bring some [ __ ] like he was such a beautiful generous person the audition was over after i said how was your lunch and then i spent three and a half to four excruciating minutes with gregory hines And then got in my [ __ ] 88 honda accord five speed it's a nice car lx um bought it used five grand i [ __ ] got in it and just was like just drove home oh and then the worst the worst is i get a little beep on my pager from my for my [ __ ] agent because he wants to know how it went and the worst part was when i got by the time i got home to My apartment there was no message which means he found out how it went because usually if i did well there would be my little beep thing up at a pay phone i can't believe this is the way the world was back then i would get home and it'd be like the hey you know that agent hey hey call me back you got a call back for that thing or the best was when there was like two or Three people oh yeah uh i've got i've got andy cohen barry katz and uh for bill burr call us back when you can and you're like oh yeah i there's an offer right so oh my god dude and like i actually now can think about that and laugh about it but dude that [ __ ] that that's that thing would haunt that [ __ ] audition haunted me It haunted me and i mean it was one of many things like that that made me leave la and just go back to new york and just because i was really watching chris rock's career being like this is a [ __ ] guy who got on snl real early in his career before people could see what he could do as a comedian he got some stuff it didn't work out and then he said [ __ ] this and dude a lot of people don't know before bringing the pain he put out a half hour special that dude i'm when i tell you from the second he got out there to the it was one of the hardest i ever saw anybody kill standing ovation [ __ ] ripped and i was the first time i saw i had seen him since mtv half hour comedy hour and i thought he was great then but like I was just like wow man that [ __ ] guy is a beast and then bring the pain came out that thing hit and then all of a sudden i'm seeing him as like second lead in a morgan freeman movie so i was just like wait a minute i have like this [ __ ] hall pass here if i can build like a a following i don't have to go through all of that [ __ ] And as long as i take acting classes along the way and and work on stand-up acting and all all my weaknesses i can do then do the seinfeld thing which what i watched him do was i mean one time he accepted an award and he goes he actually goes i'm jerry seinfeld and i am not a good actor but i've shown if you surround yourself with enough talent Something like that it was really self-deprecating really cool acceptance speech and i was just like oh you know just that thing it's like both of those guys i idolized and i was just like all right i'm gonna have a i'm i'm taking that from chris i'm i'm taking that from jerry i'm just and i'm was i was putting together my own little business model of how somebody who just did what he did With gregory hines rest his soul um and [ __ ] and on that scorsese thing i i like how the [ __ ] do i how do i pull the red truck out of the mud on this one so i just went yeah i went back to new york and i just tried to get better as a comedian as i kept taking acting classes i think that's that's what they're doing on this movie is they have surrounded me with people that can really act Where you're like mark hamill i mean we did this scene the other day and i'm like and i just like he got close to me and it caught it made me uncomfortable and i was like oh that's how i'm supposed to be right now like i'm supposed to be and i guarantee you he was doing it and he could feel that it wasn't there yeah either on the next take or some of those guys or women Within that will do [ __ ] like that oh oh hardcore my wife in this did one thing like that my daughter it's insane when you see them do acting stuff where you're like we sound like morons when we see him do acting stuff i'm good sitting down but stand up it's like a brian regan bit the yellow one is the sun hey anybody watching this [ __ ] this should give you hope a couple of days yeah right you guys can Somehow get into this [ __ ] i'm so uh there's so many like like i'm watching movies now like i watched i watched the hangover today and i was like god damn it zach galifianakis is [ __ ] phenomenal and he's like and he's fearless like i mean he's watching his choices are not dude his choices like if those things don't work there's people looking at you like what the [ __ ] is that Like him in baskets him and uh um um between even just the stuff he did like between the ferns all the hangover stuff uh there was one other movie i didn't even see the movie i just saw the trailer of it and he did that ridiculous over-the-top laugh it's kind of like my laugh sometimes we just like but he did it so long like you almost thought he was going to pass out And i i remember when i came out i was sitting there watching that going like i need to figure out how to get that free acting because there's no way you're you're ever gonna come anywhere near what that guy's doing because he has total access to whatever whatever idea he has he's just gonna go [ __ ] i so yeah there were some guys in my acting class men and women that that were that Were like that um there's a few people on snl right now that i watch i mean they're all [ __ ] amazing but there was a few that i watched really big things that they were doing and the level of commitment that they had [ __ ] their response obviously they want a good response but i got a lot out of that like just you know dude it's like speed Dating to how do you do sketch comedy i just was watching them it's just like all right this just totally 100 commit to everything that you're [ __ ] doing yeah and then if it doesn't work and you make an ass out of yourself you have to shake that off like a relief pitcher that just gave up a bomb to the upper deck you got to do the clemence give me a [ __ ] ball just [Laughter] we're still up by one i'm getting the next two guys and then we're we're heading out to hooters all right everybody it's roman hey guys we got big news your favorite men's healthcare 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that's for People like me that you have to spell it out what's the mckinnon kate mckinnon oh yeah she's ridiculous that [ __ ] person is so good that i'm like i watch her and i just um and you know i think there was a and i say this honestly and i i know that i'm going to get [ __ ] for this but there's an arrogance when you do comedy that you like look down at like sketch and you're like Okay improv you're like i do stand up you know i would say there's more infighting because people people like oh i lost i lost you i lost your savings okay they go there you go you said you were saying that you know uh you you look down i i feel like there's like infighting amongst the different genres of comedy what is what's your Take on it that kate mckinnon has redefined my sense of humor her uh [ __ ] tina fey like the women all the women from snl [ __ ] kill me but kate mckinnon god dammit that person is funny she is just [ __ ] funny and then you act in a movie and you go oh [ __ ] i think i have a new respect for like all it's almost like uh it's like uh Ipas remember when you were like like kind of like alcohol yeah i go i go i don't know ipa's kind of suck and then you get a good one you're like oh [ __ ] there's like a whole variety that i got a sample it's a different kind of drinking an ipa is like mature who's going to be like i am going this is going to actually be like drinking a meal it's going to be so [ __ ] heavy Yeah i'm going to sit here and enjoy this and have this one and and then that's it but i think when you drink to get drunk the way i do like i i just felt like i was i was you know running with ankle weights it's like i'm trying to get [ __ ] up here and you you it's just this is too heavy right and i think that's with with comedy when you look at kate mckinnon or someone like that or like will ferrell Or all all the like uh christian wig oh my god shut the [ __ ] up that that laugh is a different laugh yeah i always thought you know i always thought that there was a uh an odd sort of infighting among sketch improv and stand-up yeah and like uh oh man i remember uh another thing i tested for a tv show called fame la remember fame i want to live Forever yeah they they were doing that was based in new york so this was going to be fame la and i was going to be the comedian they would have a stand-up comic that was for some reason in this this performance school right yeah so you know i got a call back i am a comedian so it was going well and then we went down to the improv and the guy coaching us for they're Gonna we they wanted us to do improv in front of the the show creators and he kept saying to me going like now this is different you're a stand-up comedian where you say the same things every night and he just kept saying that and in my head i'm like [ __ ] you mean i say the same thing every night i don't yeah if you knew anything about stand-up comedy is that you can do it that way or then Everybody i like you go to your act as the last resort and you're just doing your act as you're trying to think about the [ __ ] you really want to talk about so that's sort of like your safe zone all right i'll do this [ __ ] bit now and then you know hopefully something else so he just kept saying that and um then i'm comedians we used to all [ __ ] on Improv sketch we had like respect for though i felt like sketch because when i was coming up there was snl in living color and then mr show and mad tv and there was just it was just the [ __ ] was funny so um but i i felt like i did a pilot one time another failed show and one of the writers an actor um he was just talking one of he was a Show creator and he was trying to create this show with me and he he just did this little [ __ ] slight about the laugh factory and oh dude i i didn't let him up i didn't let him up i just [ __ ] i go oh what happened i go you did stand up a couple times you couldn't do it so now you got to [ __ ] on it he goes no no i'm just saying i go no that's exactly what you're doing Everybody started [ __ ] laughing at him it was good natured yeah but like then it kind of became the running joke where he would deliberately make these like sideswipe [ __ ] uh you know backhanded compliments about stand-up and um i think that uh there's a lot of people that [ __ ] on it because there's nothing worse than a bad comedian Yeah you know i know you know a bad play bad improv there's some bad [ __ ] to get stuck in but if you're just sitting there just watching a bad comic at least with the white crowd because what i always loved about a black crowd is black crowds were like we're gonna have fun with you or without you so either you make us [ __ ] laugh and we'll come along for the ride or if You're not laughing then you're gonna become the joke and then the crowd is gonna be doing stand-up about you that's kind of what i learned is is improv is improv completely a white man sport because you never see like all black improv groups or at least i i'm growing up it was always like a bunch of privileges to get cancelled Someone's gonna be like actually zachary roosevelt washington was the first improv artist in 1862. but think about it there's a there's a patience that goes along with a all-white improv audience that may not happen in urban rooms you adjust to the speed it's like going from high school wait do you know of any all black improv groups Um i mean i don't know what any i don't know an improv group dude improv but i'm not gonna sit here and think that [ __ ] that doesn't exist david alan greer you that guy you guy went to [ __ ] like yale or something i'm sure he did some improv no no i think i think black people do improv but most improv groups are predominantly like college kids like white kids going like all right Someone give me a job give me an occupation all right i got a scenario it's probably just our white world you think yes that's why like when they try whenever they try to figure out who invented something like years later it's always like actually it's like we say oh you know we came up with flying we we did the airplane thing and it's Like well actually there was a guy in france did a few years before that and then there'll be someone this guy over here did this so i mean i don't know i'll tell you right now bill uh why improv so white it's an article written uh about improv and the lack of diversity within it and there is a black improv troop god Damn i wish i had [ __ ] classes right now i'm not going to say the name of this improv group because it is uh it's not i don't know it's not words that should be coming out of my mouth but there is a black improv group it's uh oh it's the we as in the french weed right oh you i and then uh yes yeah but uh yeah there you go let me have a difficult time getting [ __ ] a booking In a white establishment with that name yeah hi who do you have down there tonight uh we n-word it's not yeah it's but it's the uh it's the formal uh n-word term with an o i i don't know what you're saying but i'm not going to i'm done by the way i'm running a racist 25 000 pyramid you get myself in trouble here no but nobody passed Yeah the uh i i just watched improv in new york when i first moved to new york and it just and i watched it one time and i came back the next night and it was all very similar to what i'd seen the night before and i was like it's like when you see a guy that's like oh he's great with crowd work but he's not really doing crowd work he's just setting up his own jokes Yeah it's like the first time you do stand up that is improv it's your first five minutes you can't even remember most of it you're just running your yap and then what happens is then then all of a sudden you have what works and then you don't want to go to that you want to have new and be in the moment and all that but if you have to you go to your act improv they have like i would think You know there's only so many occupations you do enough shows your brain goes to experience says that you had before or whatever i i just um i think uh you know what however you want to do it i don't i don't give a [ __ ] but when i was younger i definitely had that um you know i thought sitcoms were stupid and i thought [ __ ] you know improv is dumb and dude I had all these stupid if you do a commercial you're a [ __ ] sellout i had all this dumb [ __ ] so and that's amazing is that is that is that is that to protect ourselves because i felt the same way even getting into this i was like it's like a weird way i had real visceral thoughts about actors and movies and and then all of a sudden once you're okay with it you're like i Don't feel that way anymore like yesterday what happened is when i was younger i was like walled off emotionally so when i so i that's why when i walked into a comedy club for the first time i f after everything i had tried in life i immediately felt at home even though i was nervous i was just like these people are the same i didn't wasn't able to articulate this in my brain but what was was I found people that were the same kind of crazy i was so it felt regular it felt normal and then when i would get an acting class when they were a little more kind of like you know open emotionally and there was more caring and uh fostering of feelings like i just got like douche chills and like oh my god this is so [ __ ] i mean i would think this is so [ __ ] Gay because that's what you said back then what you're not allowed to say anymore but that's what i would be thinking i'm just to be straight up honestly not like gay homosexual more like gay this is making me feel uncomfortable um so yeah and then yeah yeah dude i i've i've had a [ __ ] epiphany about the first half century of my life Now that i'm on about the 12th or 13th hole of my life i've i've signed in the first half you know so i'm kind of like yeah i all it's kind of cool because it all makes sense and i understand that it is my fault because i didn't have the [ __ ] information the things that i did are still my fault but i at least now know why i did them instead of just being going oh god i hate myself i'm a [ __ ] idiot i'm Piece of [ __ ] you know how come i can't just say i hope you enjoyed your lunch without being a douche and then gregory hines is looking at me and i [ __ ] hate myself it's uh so now as an as a as a legit actor do you are there roles that you would go i would love to try that like i watched kevin hart man i i'm this is where my brain is i Watch kevin hart uh get out of the box and do that one where he's the you know takes care of the paralyzed guy and i just go why would he never do that like why didn't he just do comedy so [ __ ] funny and then you do a little acting and you're like oh i understand why he does that or i get it you want to play the same thing every Time or you don't you don't want to uh you also don't want to get like pigeonholed or whatever you know i i the good thing about being a comedian is if you actually get into acting then you you actually have another source of income so you don't have to do [ __ ] you don't want to do so i kind of look at it like um is is is If this if it looks like you know if they're going for something great whether they get there or not if they're going for it if they give a [ __ ] then i'm all in because i've been on a few things where um people of like you hear them going for the trope acknowledging it's a trope and you're just like you're just gonna do that it's like why don't you use the trope as the jump off I get that because it works for the story and try to figure out a way to do it differently or or or do something you know what i mean like um but when you just see people that are just doing minimal brain effort and it's just we're making a movie or a tv show we're writing a script and um that's when i i then it just yeah it Feels like shoveling wet snow i'm like oh my god this this is gonna suck feels like shoveling wet snow yeah like this is gonna suck and now how many more days do i have on this [ __ ] thing but if there's like people you know really trying to do something good so i don't know i i think if you if you if you i get going for the money i get that Because it's just like you got kids i want to get i'm do this [ __ ] all right i'll i'll put on this [ __ ] spandex and uh be [ __ ] garbage disposal man or whatever [ __ ] you know i get doing that and plus a lot of those superhero i'm not really [ __ ] on superhero movies because a lot of them are good now um i i get sometimes actors doing that because unlike a Comedian once i prove i'm funny i can just you know the improv i don't have to keep re-auditioning for those guys they're just all right this guy you know you sell tickets all right we'll come back we assume you're gonna do what you did the last time with new jokes but actors have to just keep [ __ ] auditioning and audition their whole [ __ ] career they just keep having to go back and be Like i can do this or be like they'll like win an oscar it's like yeah but you want an oscar for that you can't you can't do this and it's just like well that thing i wanted to ask her for why that's not who i was so why why wouldn't you think i could can you at least give me a shot like i remember seeing jim carrey had to put himself on tape to to to do the that andy kaufman movie yeah and i'm like he's a [ __ ] Stand-up comic he knew andy he he's like he all of this brilliant [ __ ] he's been doing and plus his movies you know we're opening up 30 million a [ __ ] weekend he still has to go down and be like okay jim carrey auditioning for man on the moon wow i remember seeing that being like what duff what the [ __ ] is do i even want to get in on the in on that and then you look at Him in that movie and you're like i mean i don't you know i i i don't think you got to see the making of that dude you got to see the making of that and he does a bit where he's being uh uh tony clifton and there's a convertible car he gets in the car and reenacts the jfk assassination with it's one of the most brilliant [ __ ] things just right right and i got to do snl with them and i asked them i go dude did you work that out and you just laugh man i was just [ __ ] around it's just like jesus no that guy's like um he's like i i don't know how to describe that guy's brain that guy's brain maybe maybe you know i and as you talk about jim carrey i go i wonder if i kind of slept on him like everyone Appreciates the movies he's done but when you go oh the work he did man on the moon he really transformed himself into andy andy kaufman ace ventura to this day oh my god [ __ ] hilarious you know what it was it's a lot it was hilarious to me and i could watch it with my niece who was like five years old and i was like 30. and we were both laughing our asses off It was it changes and then also the the cable guy is he's [ __ ] unbelievable amazing and there was some movie he did and the only reason why i got the reference was because i played drums and i used to take drum lessons from an old big band swing guy this guy frank shushan he used to call himself the last of the great armenian trap drummers That was his thing he was [ __ ] hilarious this guy and uh he was doing something and he doing that salt peanut salt peanuts he was beating somebody up in a bathroom i can't remember but he made a reference to some bebop song it was a disney gillespie and later just from reading about him i was like oh his dad was a musician he was a jazz musician that's how we knew that song Because dude it was like what when i saw that like nobody made a reference to that song it's the song something like like the 1940s he made a reference to that song like the 1990s like 50 [ __ ] years later and what i loved about it was you either got it or you didn't and the small amount of people that would have got it and the only reason why i got it was because my drum teacher at the time was in his 70s So that's like when that guy uses his like his like i i feel like my references are kind of from here to here dude his [ __ ] is like spanning like generations um all of that stuff i he actually um when he did the uh when he was the fly on mike pence's head um we we i did that episode with him on snl he showed me with the second he saw it he had the sketch idea and he showed me the video That he sent to [ __ ] uh lorne michaels no way and it was just him in his kitchen doing it he was like he was like doing like that he was doing like you know the mosquitoes like they moved it and moved that front legs he was he was making them and he was saying all this hilarious [ __ ] and i don't know what he had in his mouth but in the end he just goes like and he Just pukes this thing up and it just perfectly splatters on the counter and then he's like all right man tell me tell me what you think of that and i was watching dude filmed on his [ __ ] um on just on his phone it looked like an outtake from like an oscar-winning movie and i was so thankful he showed me after i i did the gig because if i saw that Before i would have just been because i was already freaking out that he him and alec were going to be on the beginning of it and i'm just like i can't [ __ ] with these guys maya rudolph they're going to do what they do and then the show is going to be it's like when the headliner has to get out of there and goes on first yeah and i'm like come on people we still got more shots I was gonna come on hey god what's up with monica lewinsky i'll tell you man it's been it's been a really eye-opening experience to be this vulnerable like you know where you just go like how am i doing good or am i not doing good and he's kind of a good place to be dude yeah you start thinking you're the [ __ ] like i don't i just i don't know maybe for some people it Works but like um if you give a [ __ ] enough to be asking that you're questionable to be a level of vulnerability people will be able to relate to i'm sure it's gonna be uh it's gonna be great but um enjoy it dude definitely enjoy it i'm enjoying the [ __ ] out of it i i i'm we went to uh the u.s ambassador's house last night in serbia we had a party over there it was Dude i'm like i i i feel like a kid in a candy shop like i'm having so much [ __ ] fun that i go i just wanted to slow down some senator is gonna call that guy the [ __ ] are you doing over there in the embassy partner the shirtless comic is that what the [ __ ] you're doing over there i'm trying to throw a fourth of july party at his house that's hilarious how long are you going To be out there i'm here until july 7th oh that's great okay leanne's here right now leanne leaves tonight or tomorrow morning to go back to l.a um she was here for the first week of production and she is brutally [ __ ] honest like to the point where i was like i don't know if i want her around because if i'm not doing good she'll tell me she's like okay you're not Doing a good job i know i was like i don't think i need to know that yeah yeah you do you do it well i mean there's a way to say she was like i shouldn't say it right pill yeah my wife will be just my wife just was like my wife is just like yeah is is that what they're gonna do because that's like not she starts speaking in three-quarter sentences Yeah i mean i understand kind of but like you know and then i go like just [ __ ] tell me why it sucks and why just tell me so i can fix it yeah um well i don't want you to get mad at me it's like i'm you just can you just rip the band-aid off yeah but the reality is if she actually went up and like yeah that's that sucked cause of this I'd be like oh yeah well well [ __ ] me then huh just just i can't win no she she came we had a real big scene that we had to do uh it was the last scene we shot uh right right before we wrapped last week and she came to me and she was like excited she was you killed it knowing wait and i was like i know that you'll you'll be truthful Like i really did do good she goes no you did and i was like everyone else is gonna lie to me you're telling me the [ __ ] truth yeah you gotta have that yeah you gotta that can't can't have you can't have the uh the yes men or women around you so so what is the store is it stored 100 capacity no i did the opening night there and then um I didn't do last week um i've been working on a few things and also to be honest with you trying to be less busy yeah to kind of tone down uh 50 years of being scatterbrained and running around with my [ __ ] leg shaking um so uh i'm i'm going down there though this weekend i'll be down there thursday and friday so yeah i'm just kind of looking forward and i have my first indoor stand-up gig Right before you wrap in vegas i'm doing the cosmopolitan so i mean i don't know what the seating capacity is gonna be but it is vegas and it's gonna be you know it's about six six weeks out so who knows where that'll be but um i know i just got a good feeling we're slowly gonna come out of this thing and um it'll be back just saying now you don't have to wear a mask if you're outside or whatever Um i still kind of do it but like it's kind of weird like if you're vaccinated but i get i get it because the vaccine is still new they just they always err on the side of caution i wish people would just understand that about medicine like how many people like dude they said i'd never walk again and i [ __ ] proved them wrong it's like they do that on purpose yeah they they diagnosed the worst Case scenario so anything else looks like an improvement it helps your psyche and then it also helps them avoid a [ __ ] lawsuit if you actually start going doing the dude like oh yeah you'll be back on your feet and then like my [ __ ] foot never worked again he said it would work you're in trouble they do that all the time so they're just erring on The side of caution um and just i i i know it's not going to happen but people would just listen and do what they say and everybody does it they're trying to walk seven billion people out of the same [ __ ] door okay stop climbing out windows and shimmying down the [ __ ] spout just help them out and listen to them yeah well no one's wearing masks here in serbia i mean not no one i mean people Wear masks like we were just in the grocery store tonight everyone wore a mask but like outdoor dining is open um do they have a vaccine out there or no yeah everyone's getting vaccinated i mean a lot of people are a lot of people have gotten their first shot from what i understand oh that's good shot or they just got their second shot dude it's a win-win but the numbers are Pretty low here you know but it's like it win it's a win-win because either it works and this shit's over or they're trying to exterminate a lot of us and you know it'll cut down on all the pollution eco-friendly i'll give a [ __ ] i mean yeah i don't i just i don't give a [ __ ] they're actually secretly trying to kill me it's like all right man you know i've had you Know i had a good one i had a really good one i really have because i got to be honest with you most people back in caveman days you'd be lucky if you [ __ ] lived live [ __ ] eight years got some saber-toothed tiger coming in dragging you out of the [ __ ] cave shivering living for 30 years shivering your ass off i have had television my whole life i'm good Baseball games i got air conditioning yeah air conditioning there you go which i believe was invented by a black person i was told that the other night true yeah well you know they were doing that whole thing oh you know white guys are lame and blah blah blah blah it's like you know i think you know you know learning how to fly is pretty [ __ ] amazing Yeah i was just it was just comics going back and forth i go air-conditioned is cool that was a black person i'm like all right [Laughter] there's a million other things you know you don't like cars all the time that's how i ended up doing the i was going to try to do the you know the uptown all whatever they called me all black shows i was gonna do those anyway But when patrice and keith used to [ __ ] sit around and [ __ ] sit there talking all that [ __ ] that's why i went over this all right i'll [ __ ] go kill over there now what are you gonna do yeah and then i also pissed him off because i found out that it's actually easier to be the only you in a room it's so much easier all that [ __ ] female comments really good you know it's just me Yeah and there you are with your complete unique point of view because it's just more the same more the same more the same come on dude we've both seen it like you know as a white comic you're going from an all black crowd you get all you got to be like oh i'm [ __ ] scared and then the music comes on and i don't know what's happening right and then you see the black comet go in front of white crowd oh look at This white lady all nervous huh racially profiling me oh [ __ ] blah blah blah blah you know i need to get with a white woman because she got the good credit hacky horseshit it's very easy fish out of water is the easiest [ __ ] thing to play i am not like you i used to when i used to do those uptown rooms how much harder the black comics had to work in those rooms versus me All i had to do was get past the first joke and just prove i was funny and then you just became the mascot like oh isn't that adorable i find this white guy humorous a navy up there flipping over [ __ ] beatboxing having to do everything you corny [ __ ] and i'd be like that guy's better than i oh anyway we're coming to the end here Dude i know how grueling um just the small [ __ ] that i've done i can't imagine being the lead in something i'm very proud of you dude that is no small feat to get to that and to get it made and all of that [ __ ] so uh have fun at the u.s embassy and shoot in your movie and we're gonna for those people watching because people were asking like is the bill birth thing over and it's just You know i didn't know if you were publicly saying that you were over in like serbia i don't know if you put that out there yet no we put it out and yeah it's over i do i'm this is the [ __ ] most connected i've felt with someone just just doing a podcast hanging out with a buddy with your own sensibility where you're not on a set and you're not kind of you know Measuring what you say and how you behave because you don't know everyone yet it's been great man oh [ __ ] that helped me the other day i had to come in and i had to do a voiceover gig yeah and uh oh yeah i did the gig and they were going like i was good just do it faster and i was just like oh [ __ ] is this like those old lawn order gigs Did you ever do a lawn order no dude it was just like they were cramming so much [ __ ] information in in 42 minutes that you'd literally have to come in and just be like oh you're my mom you're gonna die oh jesus christ that's terrible let me grab this gun dun like you just had to [ __ ] blow through all of it so i was improving that and i said something about rape right i just see this younger Woman who was there she was like it's just like i was just sitting there like bill just shut up just shut up just do the [ __ ] lines and shut up because there dude it's at the point now dude it is literally like the way i joke around is like an old guy being like 23 skadoo charleston charleston and i'm still joking but like i just like okay i get it Yeah so oh that's great no man this has been a blast but she was like i think it's just because they're maybe like in the corporate world or something i have no [ __ ] idea but um yeah anyways but you know we have to get there everything is almost over so i'm you know we'll do this again next big job from the offices so that we have a better internet connection okay whatever but i i i'll work around Your schedule because i know uh i mean you're probably on it every day almost right yeah did you just freeze up yeah okay cool all right well let's wrap this thing up so you can get some sleep awesome brother i'm gonna finish your rosie all right everybody this has been another wonderful episode of the bill all pawn brother have fun over there man i'll talk to you break a leg as they say in show business all right Thanks for everybody for watching [Music] you

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