Gaslighting: How to Recognize and Respond to Manipulation

it makes you question your thoughts it makes you question your reality and the more you get put in this position the less in control that you feel in today's episode it's all about how to respond to a gaslighter welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and if you would please like it give it a star or leave a review as always if you have any

topics suggestions and just throw them in the comments I also want to let you know that my new book the next conversation is officially out for pre-order and the links are in the show notes the next time that someone tries to Gaslight you here's what I want you to do number one if they say I didn't say that instead of chasing it and saying yes you did or then what did I say which allows them to manipulate the narrative you're going to slowly respond that's what I heard that's what I heard it doesn't allow them

to flip any message and it keeps you in a position of strength number two if they try to personally attack you and say things like you're crazy you need help you're going to calmly respond I need someone who's helpful I need someone who's helpful what you're doing is saying you're not the person that I need in this conversation and you're not being part of the solution and I that's where I'm going number three if they say something like you're imagining things you're going to say from a position of strength and assertiveness I do not imagine

facts here's where you can get almost a little bit indignant I do not imagine facts what you're saying is I know exactly what happened I know what my facts are and I'm not coming away from it and before I continue I want I want to make sure that I give this disclaimer all right I'm not a psychologist I'm not a therapist if you have legitimate questions about gaslighting feel free to ask them I'm going to tell you what I know it to be and what I've interacted with in my line of work in the legal

field gaslighting is a term that can be thrown around way tooo easily okay it's it seems to be a very easy replacement for somebody who just simply disagrees with you that you don't really like that's not it so be careful with that term gaslighting is a much more serious issue and the goal of it is to make you question your reality to make you question who you are and how you make judgments and decisions about things and a very simple example let's say you and I are sitting across from each other and I start tapping

my pen and then I stop I start tapping my pen again you go I need you to stop I go what are what are you talking about you were tapping your pen I said no I'm not no I wasn't I've never been tapping my pen and I tap it a little bit later and again I I denied I said you're you're just making things up you're imagining things over time that's a very Elementary example but in a bigger scheme of things things happen that somebody is seeing and you're noticing but they deny it deny that

anything happen and they start to make you feel bad about yourself that you're wrong in your decision- making wrong in your memory and then that you're just a person who feels very unsure about who they are in their reality make you question everything make you question the veracity the truthfulness of things and it's a way to manipulate you to form control if people if I were to say to you everybody thinks you're crazy and I I hate to tell you this but like all your friends they hate you like nobody likes nobody likes you and

I do that from a position of I'm the only one that can tell you this I'm the one that really cares about you when really all I'm doing is isolating you gaslighting is meant to question your reality so anytime you get into an argument where you're you're thinking I know I know this I know that that's not what happened but this other person is totally denying it it's a way of lying but it's even more serious and that they're forming the lie to twist it to paint a picture of what they want you to see

versus what the truth actually Reveals All right so that's the difference and it's it's one of the most corrosive things I think can happen in an argument so in my line of work I often see people who attempt to Gaslight in depositions under cross-examination because it's a very high stress high conflict environment where I'm asking them questions and often when somebody is caught in a lie or caught in a situation where it's not putting them in the best light the very the most cunning the the best Liars will attempt to Gaslight the situation and this

is what it it sounds like like they will go okay wait wait wait wait wait let's let's go back that's a key phrase right there let's go back and they want to go to the very beginning of the timeline to them and they want to go okay this said this and he said this and she said this and they want to construct The Narrative totally on their own and it's like they rewriting history where I have the facts I have the records but yet they are starting to just lie and you can tell they just

drop Little Lies Over time to where at the end result they expect that the only answer I could possibly have is that they're the one that is the most righteous they're the one that is the most justified that everything they've done is rational and reasonable when really they are just digging a hole and asking me to fill it this is what I mean often gaslighting is uh the way I picture it is they dig holes and then kind of trick you entice you into filling it so they'll say some kind of lie and then you

get really defensive and go that's not what happens no nuh-uh and they go okay what happened and they're asking you to fill just pick up a shovel and put the hole back in it and then they go to another Li and you go no that's not no what are you talking about and you pick up your shovel and you start filling another hole so all they do is just go around um where you're losing control like a a cat and a laser pointer that they're holding the laser pointer all over the wall in the different

areas of the room and you're the cat just chasing it from point to point to point not seeing that it's all about control it's all about control the more focused you are on constructing your own Bridge the more they're making yours fall apart without you even seeing it so the key overarching message when it comes to gaslighting behavior is the less you say the less they can control the less they can do with it that's why for them bringing up the past is really just their playground because they can construct the history of it in

a way that puts them in the best spot and you at the most advant disadvantage and so whenever you feel like I'm just I feel like I'm just chasing accuracy over uh miscommunication over inaccuracy and inaccuracy it's it's it's gaslighting manipulative behavior and some of the biggest things to watch out for is talking about the past and I can't I can't tell you enough when you get in those situations you need to say less yeah very short sentences because it gives them less to play with that's why when I give you these little phrases to

to use they're not big explanations they're short that's what I heard that's what I heard I cannot imagine facts little things that once you say them they can't really do anything with them and your response when they go oh and they get all frustrated is just you repeat them you say them again and they really can't do anything and they'll get frustrated they'll leave they'll change the subject object but just understand that's what it is it's manipulative Behavior to have you under their control and that's something I will not allow we're now at my favorite

part of the podcast and that's where I get to read a question from a follower those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them so if you're not part of that newsletter I highly encourage you to do so and ask me a question all right I am honored to say that this segment is sponsored by a company called cozy Earth and the reason why I said yes to Cozy Earth as one of the first sponsors of this podcast is because I actually used their stuff I

used their products their sheets are on my bed right now I am a terribly hot sleeper I just radiate heat I feel like and their sheets are the coolest that I found they they feel amazing and I I highly recommend them my wife also loves their pajamas and when they ask a sponsor she was like yes absolutely so I I love their sweatshirts they're just a cool company and I'm honored to have them sponsor so if you're looking for something just loungewear and you like feeling cozy and warm during this upcoming holiday season I encourage

you to check out cozy Earth you can go to Cozy earth.com Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off that's cozy earth.com Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off my name is officially a code and that's pretty cool today's follower question comes from Eric Eric is in Canada uh it looks like Quebec and he says Hey Jeffers thank you so much for your content I have an issue with gaslighting my partner and I will get into an argument and I know when she's gaslighting me the issue is I run out of things

to say she gets very upset almost in a rage mode and I'm not sure what to do are there any phrases I can use to get back to safety Eric I'm sorry about that situation man that that's uh that's really that's not fun and that's that's very difficult so I I just hope that you're being safe with everything here's what I'm going to recommend to you when you say I out of things to say Eric that's not the issue the issue is you need to stick with what you've already said stick with what you've already

said don't try and find new ways to come up with new phrases stick with what you've already said because the trick is that the partner is probably wanting you to leave what you've said to go off and and Chase what they're laying out don't do that so here's here's a phrase that I use all the time and I know it's going to work for you it is I understand you disagree with me I understand you disagree with me so say you're in a bad argument she begins to Gaslight you and you can easily respond with

the phrase I understand you disagree with me period don't keep on talking don't give more don't change the topic don't change the subject if she goes back again to try and question the truth of what you're saying or questioning your reality and you feel like you're trying to lose control in some way just go back to I understand you disagree with me or I also like the phrase I see things differently or I remember things differently she might try to lay out something that is very different and fix the narrative to to fit her needs

and you just go back to we remember things differently we remember things differently period you see how I'm not saying to continue talking to come up with some structure of a sentence to say you want to go one two three with how you want to structure a response that's not it that's not one of these that's not this podcast that's not this episode what I'm saying is you just need to stick with the phrase you've already given Eric so it is I understand you disagree with me period or it's okay that you disagree with me

or we remember things differently I remember things differently stick with those phrases and use them as often as you need to keep repeating them because because there is strength in the fact that you are not leaving what you've already said but she is you see you see the difference the distinction there so it's not about trying to find new things to say it is about sticking with what you've already said all right cuz you don't imagine facts Eric okay I have I have time for one more and I want to make sure that I I

knocked this one out uh this follower comes from northern Carolina uh Northern Carolina northal Northern California Northern California and it's Bri Bri says Hey Jefferson sometimes I'm going to argue it with my uh partner and I am not trying to gas light but he accuses me of it says that I'm trying to Gaslight him but I'm really not I'm just disagreeing how do I combat that I understand what you're say Bri and I don't I don't think you're I don't think you're in a relationship with Eric as far as far as I can tell anytime

that you're in a conversation you get into an argument and somebody says you're gaslighting me you're gaslighting me understand they may be using that in a way that is not correct they just heard that phrase and they're using it inappropriately don't get into a situation of I'm not gaslighting you and having that because it's just going to confirm what they've already said you just need to let let that go let that go instead encourage them to talk more he me that that say I'm I'm listening gaslighters don't say that gaslighters don't say I'm here to

listen I'm here to be helpful I want to hear what you have to say help me understand you see the difference instead of you trying to push your narrative and say no no no this is what happened and they say no this is what happened and it's just a clash of opinions it's it's a clash of who remembers it the most accurately instead you need to come add from the aspect of help me understand what you remember or what did you hear when this happened instead of saying I didn't say that it's what did you

hear so when you come from it from that opposite way that you're trying to be a student trying to be a Learner in that in that conversation help me understand this a little bit better I I'd like to know more about what happened in this moment or what you were thinking during this during that time anytime you're you're saying it from a position of a learner that's that's absolutely not gaslighting I would encourage you not to to get into the the hazy zone of saying who's gas lighting who's not just drop that drop that instead

it just comes from a position of what did you hear when this happened all right well my experience is different my experience was different this is what I remember or I remember things differently just like we talked about with Eric it's okay that we remember things differently what did you hear when you're coming at it from the back end rather than trying to push all your control into it you're going at it the right way so that's what I would encourage you to do Bri and I hope you're well up in beautiful Northern Carol uh

Northern California thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoyed today's episode I'm going to ask you to please like it leave it a star or leave it a review and if you have any topics suggestions just throw them in the comments I'm reading them they really make a difference all right what we learned today is about gaslighting what it is and what it isn't and when you get stuck in that moment where you feel like you're out of control and they are giving you phrases that try to question your reality you're

going to say less you're going to say we see things differently or it's okay that you disagree with me or I don't imagine facts or that's not what I heard when you say less you're going to to be the one that keeps control and that's how you respond to gasline and as always you can try that and follow me