Read People Like A Book by Patrick King | Audiobook Summary

this episode is presented to you in the form of an audiobook wouldn't it be amazing if you could take one look at someone and instantly know what they're thinking what they want and who they really are in his book titled read people like a book social interaction specialist Patrick King suggests that while mind reading might be out of reach you can get pretty close by learning to interpret people's speech behavior and body language in this episode with the help of the lessons given from the book you are going to learn how to read and understand

people first we'll discuss the obstacles we face when trying to read people effectively then we'll explore the driving forces behind human behavior in the third part you'll learn how to interpret non-verbal cues the silent signals people send through their body language and finally we'll wrap up with practical strategies to detect Lies Part One the obstacles we face when reading people we all like to think we're good judges of character you meet someone exchange a few words and confidently think you know exactly who they are but in reality assessing another person is harder than it seems

people often misinterpret signs and then arrive at misguided conclusions about how another person feels or thinks Patrick King advises that to avoid falling into this trap when trying to read another person you should consider some factors that might affect your interpretation of their behavior so how do you become a better judge of character Patrick King offers a list of four prerequisites first you must know their Baseline behavior and how they normally act second look for patterns don't rely on a single moment or a single gesture third consider the context what's happening around them that might

explain their behavior and fourth question your own biases are you projecting your feelings onto them let's explain in detail each obstacle for King the first trap people fall into is that they don't take the time to understand how someone typically behaves if you want to understand someone you need to study their Baseline behavior before looking for deviations think about how detectives in TV shows observe patterns they don't assume anything about a suspect until they've seen what's routine for them to accurately read someone you have to know how they normally behave so you can pick up

on anomalies or changes in their behavior avior for instance if your friend tends to have low energy you shouldn't interpret their lack of excitement about something as indifference it might just be their usual way of being the second trap Patrick King talks about is that people usually rely on a single moment to interpret the behavior of a person the problem is that you can't form a conclusion about someone based on a single data point let's take another scenario you're giving a presentation at work and you notice your coworker Dave frowning ing your immediate thought is

that he hates my idea but was that frown the only thing you noticed did Dave offer feedback after the meeting or was he frowning all day because he had a migraine one single moment doesn't tell the whole story you must pay attention to multiple data points to form an accurate conclusion about someone's inner State the third trap most people fall into is that they usually never consider the context and how it might explain the behavior of a person you have to consider the the context in which a behavior is happening or you'll likely misinterpret that

behavior for instance if someone is speaking loudly in a crowded room you might think they're angry but in reality they could just be trying to make themselves heard over the noise additionally recognize that you yourself might affect the other person's behavior for example if you're interviewing someone for a job your authoritative role might make them appear more nervous or reserved than they normally would which could alter your perception of their confidence or personality finally let's talk about the hardest part your own biases we all have them whether we like to admit it or not if

you're naturally skeptical you might see deceit where there's none for example if someone avoids making eye contact with you you might think that they're hiding something but what if they're just introverted or shy Patrick King reminds us that our assumptions can Cloud our judgment often what we think we see in others says more about our own insecurities fears or prejudices than about the person we're observing so if you want to read people better you must avoid the Trap of projecting your own feelings onto them separating your emotions from the situation helps you see their behavior

more clearly part two understanding the driving forces behind human behavior what is the driving force behind human behavior this this is a question that has fascinated psychologists philosophers and anyone who's ever wondered why people do what they do for Patrick King there's always a reason why people behave the way they do by understanding what compels a person to act you can uncover the why behind their behavior to truly understand someone's actions you need to look at two key aspects of their psyche their motivations and their personality a person's motivations are shaped by several factors working

together subconscious urges the Pleasure Principle the hierarchy of needs and the desire to defend the ego these elements influence how we act react and pursue our goals subconscious urges are the part of ourselves we prefer to hide according to King this is where our subconscious motivations live it's the messy part of our mind filled with things like insecurities creative desires dislikes and even self-loathing these these are the feelings we'd rather ignore not just from others but even from ourselves the problem is these hidden urges don't stay buried forever King explains that they often surface in

ways we don't expect sometimes driving behaviors that seem out of character for instance imagine someone who's always wanted to start their own business but never took the leap they might downplay a friend's success in launching a startup not out of malice but because it stirs their own feeling feelings of regret and unfulfilled ambition these subconscious urges influence our actions more than we realize but if you can recognize what's driving someone's Behavior you can better understand them you'll see why they act the way they do and you'll know how to respond more effectively the Pleasure Principle

is another element that influences the motivations of a person according to King much of what we do comes down to a simple equation seeking pleasure and avoiding pain it's an instinct as old as Humanity deeply ingrained in how we make decisions however this principle isn't always straightforward King highlights two key rules to better understand this principle rule number one avoiding pain is more powerful than seeking pleasure when given a choice our survival instincts prioritize avoiding harm over chasing rewards imagine spotting a bag filled with money sitting on train tracks with an oncoming train speeding toward

it the temptation of riches might cross your mind but your instinct to avoid injury or death would win every time this Instinct extends into everyday life think about someone who stays in a miserable job it's rarely because they enjoy the work it's often because the fear of financial instability outweighs the discomfort of staying put pain or the fear of it frequently dictates our choices more than the promise of pleasure rule number two about the Pleasure Principle is that emot overrule logic this means that even when we know the logical thing to do our feelings often

take control and lead us in a different direction emotions are powerful and can push us to act in ways that don't always make sense rationally for example you know that staying up late binge watching a show is a bad idea but as soon as the next episode starts the excitement pulls you in and you keep watching even though you'll regret it in the morning the motivations of a person are also influenced by the hierarchy of needs maso's hierarchy of needs works like a ladder with each level building on the one before at the bottom are

survival Essentials food water and shelter next is seeking safety stability income and health once those are secure we seek connection relationships and belonging higher up it's self-esteem we seek feeling valued and respected and at the top is self-actualization which is pursuing creativity purpose and contribution to understand someone's Behavior you need to figure out where they are on the hierarchy of needs are they focused on basic survival like food and security or are they striving for connection self-esteem or a greater purpose knowing this helps you see what's driving their actions another element that dictates the motivations

of a person is the desire to defend the ego at its core the ego is our sense of self how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us we all want to feel smart capable and respected but when that image is threatened things can get messy think about it how do people act when their self-image is at risk they might get defensive blame others or try to cover up their vulnerability for example someone who takes pride in being great at their job might make a big mistake and instead of admitting their mistake

they decide to blame circum es or a colleague the desire to defend the ego plays a huge role in shaping Behavior if you want to understand someone's actions ask yourself what part of their self-image feels threatened the personality is the second aspect of a person's psyche that dictates Behavior personality is the unique way someone thinks and behaves making them who they are according to King it's a consistent pattern that helps you understand how someone usually reacts to the world if you understand a person's personality you can usually predict their behavior for example you might notice

that a friend always stays calm Under Pressure even when others Panic that's a pattern of stability and rationality or perhaps a co-worker tends to procrastinate but pulls through at the last minute that's a pattern of working best under deadlines these repeated behaviors aren't random they reflect the underlying traits of their personality for example a funny personality is simply the pattern of consistently making jokes or using humor in conversations to quickly summarize part two if you want to understand why a person behaves the way she does you need to look at two key factors her motivations

and the patterns she shows through her personality motivations drive her actions what she wants fears or needs while personality patterns reveal how she consistently reacts to the world around her part three how to read non-verbal cues people are always revealing themselves even when they don't realize it their actions Expressions tone and even their clothing all tell a story your job is to look beyond the words watch their movements listen to how they speak and notice the small details each one adds a piece to the puzzle helping you understand what they're really feeling King explains that

non-verbal communication comes from the emot instinctive part of our brain the part that can't lie while we can choose our words carefully our body language facial expressions and even tone often betray our true feelings first let's talk about stress it's one of the easiest emotions to spot when people feel uncomfortable they often display self- soothing behaviors these are small actions like rubbing their hands touching their neck or fidgeting with their clothes imagine someone adjusting their collar or playing with a necklace during a tense conversation it's their body's way of calming down there is also the

classic flight fight or freeze responses our brain's way of handling perceived threats these reactions still show up in everyday situations someone leaning back or shifting away might be in flight mode looking for an escape a clenched fist or sharp gestures could signal a fight response and freeze that looks like someone sitting stiffly or gripping the edge of a t now let's focus on the face micro expressions are tiny involuntary movements they happen so quickly that most people miss them for example someone might say I'm fine but a split second tightening around their eyes could tell

you otherwise these moments are like glimpses into their unfiltered emotions and you can read a person if you learn how to spot the contradicting micro Expressions have you ever noticed someone copying your posture or gestures during a conversation that's that's mirroring and it's a sign they feel connected to you if someone mirrors your movements crossing their arms when you do or leaning forward as you speak it shows alignment and comfort on the flip side a lack of mirroring can signal discomfort or distance the way people use space says a lot about their confidence confident people

take up space they sit tall make expansive gestures and leave their torso open meanwhile someone feel unsure might shrink hunch their shoulders or cross their arms to make themselves smaller these physical cues give you a sense of how comfortable or confident someone feels in the moment speech is another window into someone's emotions and personality confident people tend to speak clearly and steadily while nervous individuals might talk too fast or stumble over their words the way someone dresses says a lot about how they see themselves or how they want want others to see them here context

is key for example someone overdressed for a casual event might want to stand out or assert their status part four how to detect lies Patrick King points out that one of the main reasons people want to learn to read others is to catch deception nobody likes being lied to and knowing when someone's being dishonest can give you a significant Advantage whether in negotiations relationships or everyday day conversations catching a liar is no easy task because people lie in all kinds of ways some get visibly nervous While others stay calm composed and confident and the best

Liars they know exactly how to hide their tells so how do you cut through the BS and uncover the truth here's the trick don't confront the LIE directly get them to talk lying is hard work it takes mental energy to keep a story straight especially when made up the more they talk the more likely they are to trip up start with open-ended questions keep your tone friendly and non-threatening you're not interrogating them you're just getting the story to flow for example if they claimed they were at a cafe ask what did you order or how

was the atmosphere these open-ended questions give them room to elaborate increasing the chances of inconsistencies once they've shared the big picture shift to specific questions ask about details they might not have rehearsed what song was playing which seat did they take people who are telling the truth tend to remember small details naturally Liars not so much and here's a clever trick subtly misquote them if they said they arrived at 3: later mentioned you got there around 2:30 right and see if they correct you small inconsistencies like this can reveal whether their story is solid or

shaky next pay close attention to how they behave as the conversation unfolds don't fixate on one thing like fidgeting look for patterns that feel off does their demeanor change maybe they go from relaxed and chatty to tense or overly serious when the topic shifts or perhaps they suddenly Dodge your question with a vague answer or deflect by saying why would you even ask that another tell Liars often feel the need to ovx explain truthful people are fine saying I'm not sure or I don't remember Liars on the other hand might fill every Gap with unnecessary

details to make their story seem airtight the key to spotting lies is about spotting patterns changes in tone Behavior or the little cracks in their story the truth has a way of surfacing especially when you stay calm curious and observant so next time you're faced with doubt don't rush to conclusions just let them talk and watch carefully the answers will reveal themselves