#SuperBalls: Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Testicles Are Still The Week's Biggest Story

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Stephen leverages his close friendship with rapper Nicki Minaj to get to the meat of this week's most explosive news story. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

"WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> I'M GLAD YOU'RE FEELING GOOD. IT'S IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW, TO STAY HOPEFUL. NO MATTER WHAT, AS BAD AS THE LAST FIVE YEARS HAVE BEEN, AND AS ANXIOUS AS WE'RE ALWAYS ALL FEELING, IT'S REASSURE TO KNOW AND I BELIEVE IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER-- THAT AT ANY MOMENT, IT COULD GET MUCH, MUCH WORSE. TAKE CALIFORNIA, WHERE LAST NIGHT, GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM SURVIVED A RECALL WITH ALMOST 64% OF THE VOTE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> SORRY, CALIFORNIA REPUBLICANS, I KNOW YOU SPENT 20 MONTHS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON THIS RECALL, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: YOU WIN SOME, BUT NOT IN CALIFORNIA. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> AND NEWSOM CELEBRATED HIS NONREMOVAL IN A SPEECH TO SUPPORTERS, WHERE HE LAID OUT WHAT THIS MEANS FOR CALIFORNIANS >> I WANT TO FOCUS WHAT WE SAID YES TO AS A STATE. WE SAID YES TO SCIENCE. WE SAID YES TO VACCINE. WE SAID YES TO ENDING THIS PANDEMIC. WE SAID YES TO DIVERSITY. >> Stephen: AND NOTHING SAYS DIVERSITY LIKE A RICH WHITE GUY NAMED GAVIN. ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW-- IVORY. HE ALSO HAD STRONG WORDS FOR REPUBLICANS WHO FALSELY CLAIMED THE RECALL ELECTION WAS RIGGED. >> I THINK ABOUT JUST IN THE LAST, YOU KNOW, FEW DAYS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT PUT OUT SAYING THIS ELECTION WAS RIGGED, DEMOCRACY IS NOT A FOOTBALL. YOU DON'T THROW IT AROUND. IT'S MORE LIKE A, I DON'T KNOW, ANTIQUE VASE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> >> Stephen: WAY TO BE RELATABLE, GOV. <i> ( AS NEWSOM )</i> "DEMOCRACY'S NOT A FOOTBALL. IT'S AN ANTIQUE VASE, OR A BOTTLE OF '93 CHATEAU D'YQUEM, OR ORCHESTRA SEATS AT THE METROPOLITAN OPERA. UNLESS THEY'RE DOING AIDA! I CANNOT TOLERATE VERDI. AM I RIGHT, FELLOW FOOTBALL FANS?" COME ON! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> WRITTEN TO CELEBRATE THE OPENING OF THE SUEZ. ONE OF THE REPUBLICANS WHO SAID THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED WAS TALK RADIO HOST AND MAN STILL WAITING FOR HIS MOM TO PICK HIM UP, LARRY ELDER. EVEN BEFORE ELECTION DAY, ELDER POSTED BASELESS ACCUSATIONS OF VOTER FRAUD ON HIS WEBSITE. THAT IS CHUTZPAH. CASTING DOUBT ON THE INTEGRITY OF OUR ELECTIONS WITHOUT FIRST INVENTING A PILLOW? <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> BUT AFTER THE RESULTS CAME IN, ELDER STRUCK A FAR DIFFERENT TONE: >> AS YOU KNOW, MY OPPONENT, GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM--<i> ( CROWD BOOING )</i> COME ON. LET'S-- LET'S-- LET'S BE GRACIOUS. LET'S BE GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT. >> Stephen: "COME ON, ANGRY MOB, THAT I WHIPPED UP WITH FALSE CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD, LET'S BE GRACIOUS AS WE CONCEDE DEFEAT TO THE GEORGE SOROS-BACKED LIZARD-MEN BANKERS WHO WANT TO SMOKE OUR CHILDREN'S ADRENAL GLANDS IN THE BASEMENT OF A PIZZA PARLOR." COME ON. COME ON. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> IT'S... ♪ ♪ ♪ SPEAKING OF GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT, WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE FINAL DAYS IN OFFICE OF FORMER PRESIDENT "SWAMPOPOTAMUS." THEY'RE COMING FROM BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA'S NEW TELL-ALL "PERIL," WHICH SHEDS NEW LIGHT ON THE ROLE OF MIKE PENCE, WHOSE HEROIC REFUSAL TO THROW OUT THE ELECTION RESULTS ON JANUARY 6th IS HOW HISTORY WILL REMEMBER HIM-- AS LONG AS HISTORY DOESN'T READ THIS NEW BOOK, BECAUSE THEN HISTORY WILL KNOW HE SUCKS JUST AS MUCH AS YOU THOUGHT HE DID. BECAUSE THIS BOOK REVEALS THAT, RIGHT UP 'TILL THE END, PENCE WAS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO DO HIS BOSS'S EVIL BIDDING. AND TO GET SOME IDEAS, HE CALLED UP FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND PAINTING WHOSE EYES FOLLOW YOU NOWHERE, DAN QUAYLE. WOW, QUAYLE AND PENCE. ON A PHONE CALL! WHAT A CONVERSATION THAT MUST HAVE BEEN. OH, TO BE A FLY ON THEIR HEAD. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> ON THE CALL, PENCE ASKED QUAYLE IF THERE WAS ANY WAY FOR A VICE PRESIDENT TO FACILITATE A COUP, BUT DAN SHUT HIM DOWN, SAYING, "MIKE, YOU HAVE NO FLEXIBILITY ON THIS-- NONE, ZERO. FORGET IT. PUT IT AWAY." ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS TO HIMSELF ANY TIME HE THINKS ABOUT WEARING SHORTS: "FORGET IT, MIKE. PUT IT AWAY. YOU CAN'T SHOW ANYONE YOUR KNEES-- A.K.A. THE DEVIL'S ELBOWS! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> YOU KNOW WHERE KNEES LEAD-- TO THE THIGHS. AND THE THIGHS LEAD TO... THE BATHING SUIT AREA." PENCE-- AND SCENE. PENCE PUSHED BACK AT QUAYLE, SAYING OF HIS BOSS, "BUT HE REALLY THINKS HE CAN. AND THERE ARE OTHER GUYS THERE SAYING I'VE GOT THIS POWER." IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A CHILD: "WELL, MIKE, IF ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS WERE JUMPING OFF A THERE YOU GO. OKAY. GET ME A SHOVEL AND A SHOP VAC." PENCE-- IT PAINT A PICTURE, DOESN'T IT? PENCE DIDN'T GET IT, REPEATING HIS BOSS'S FALSE ELECTION FRAUD CLAIMS ABOUT ARIZONA, TO WHICH QUAYLE REPLIED, "MIKE, I LIVE IN ARIZONA. THERE'S NOTHING OUT HERE." <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> INCIDENTALLY, ALSO ARIZONA'S TOURISM SLOGAN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> EVENTUALLY, PENCE DECIDED NOT TO DESTROY OUR REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT, BUT THIS IS A CHILLING STORY THAT ILLUSTRATES JUST HOW CLOSE WE WERE TO DISASTER, WHICH LED SOME PEOPLE TO CONCLUDE: "DAN QUAYLE MAY HAVE SAVED AMERICAN DEMOCRACY." >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: THAT IS A SHOCKER. YOU REALLY DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING TO BE SAVED BY DAN QUAYLE. IT'S LIKE SENDING UP THE BAT SIGNAL, AND THE GUY WHO SHOWS UP IS DAN QUAYLE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WE ALSO HAVE AN UPDATE ON LAST NIGHT'S BIGGEST STORY BY FAR. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S BALLS. YOU GUYS KNOW THE STORY I'M TALKING ABOUT? WE'VE MADE SOME JOKES AND BITS, SOME GAGS ABOUT THESE TESTICLES, AND WE'VE GOT A FEW MORE, WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALL GAGS." <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> FOR THOSE OF YOU-- THEY TOOK THAT AWAY QUICKLY. THEY TOOK IT THAT LOWER THIRD AWAY QUICKLY, DIDN'T THEY? FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK OR A PARTICULARLY LARGE PAIR OF BALLS, NICKI MINAJ CAUSED A CONTROVERSY WHEN SHE TWEETED, "MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD WON'T GET THE VACCINE CUZ HIS FRIEND GOT IT AND BECAME IMPOTENT. HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN." OF COURSE, "YOUR COUSIN'S FRIEND" IS A MUCH MORE TRUSTED SOURCE THAN ALL OF THE WORLD'S DOCTORS. THAT'S WHY IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU ALWAYS HEAR PEOPLE YELL, "THIS MAN IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK! IS ANYONE HERE SOMEONE'S COUSIN'S FRIEND?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> LAST NIGHT, WE HAD SOME FUN WITH MINAJ'S TWEET IN OUR COLD OPEN. >> Stephen: WILL IT WILL GET YOU. IT WILL GET YOU. >> Jon: THAT WILL MAKE YOU MOVE. >> Stephen: IT WILL GET YOU. >> Stephen: NOW, NICKI'S A FRIEND OF THE SHOW-- OR AT LEAST A COUSIN'S FRIEND-- SO IT'S NO SURPRISE SHE SAW THE BIT AND RETWEETED IT, ADDING, "I NEVER CITED THAT AS A REASON I DIDN'T GET VACCINATED. THE LIE IS SO FUNNY /ENTERTAINING THO. I'D SAY SMTHNG MEAN TO THIS LADY BUT I "RLLY" LIKE STEPHEN COLBERT. #SUPERBALLS." NIKI, NIKI, DARLING NICKI, NICK, FOR THE RECORD, I "RLLY" LIKE YOU, TOO! THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO GET VACCINATED.SO YOU CAN COME ON THE SHOW AGAIN, BECAUSE WITHOUT A SHOT, THE NETWORK "RLLY" WON'T LET YOU IN. NOW YESTERDAY-- THIS IS TRUE-- TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO'S MINISTRY OF HEALTH WAS INUNDATED WITH REQUESTS TO FACT CHECK THIS CLAIM, SO TODAY, THEIR PUBLIC HEALTH MINISTER MADE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT: >> ONE OF THE REASONS WE COULD NOT RESPOND YESTERDAY IN REAL TIME TO MS. MINAJ IS THAT WE HAD TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE THAT WHAT SHE WAS CLAIMING WAS EITHER TRUE OR FALSE. WE DID. UNFORTUNATELY, WE WASTED SO MUCH TIME YESTERDAY RUNNING DOWN THIS FALSE CLAIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AS WE STAND NOW, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REPORTED SUCH SIDE EFFECT OR ADVERSE EVENT OF TESTICULAR SWELLING IN TRINIDAD-- OR, I DARESAY, DR. HINES, ANYWHERE ELSE, NONE THAT WE KNOW OF ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. >> Stephen: WOW, WOW. >> Jon: THAT REALLY HAPPENED. >> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND. SIR, ARE YOU CALLING NICKI MINAJ A LIAR? BECAUSE TO DO THAT TAKES SOME REALLY BIG-- WAIT A SECOND! NOW I KNOW WHY HE'S SITTING BEHIND THAT GIANT TABLE! LAST NIGHT, MINAJ WAS ALSO A SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION FOR TUCKER CARLSON, SEEN HERE DISCUSSING THE SIZE OF HIS OWN BALLS. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> ( APPLAUSE ) TUCKER-- TUCKER WAS ONE OF THE FIRST TO JUMP ON THIS STORY MONDAY NIGHT, BUT HE HAD GOTTEN A CRUCIAL DETAIL WRONG, WHICH LED HIM TO ISSUE THIS RARE CORRECTION: >> LAST NIGHT, WE READ IT, WE PUT THE GRAPHIC ON THE SCREEN, AND WE SUGGESTED THAT NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN IS THE ONE WITH THE SWOLLEN TESTICLES IN TRINIDAD. AND WE WERE WRONG, AND WE WANT TO ADMIT IT. WE HENCEFORTH CORRECT THE RECORD. NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S TESTICLES ARE NOT SWOLLEN. AS FAR AS WE KNOW, HE'S FINE. IT IS NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S TESTICLES WHO ARE SWOLLEN FROM TAKING THE VAX. >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO SEE FOX NEWS IS FINALLY COMING TO TERMS WITH SOME OF ITS DANGEROUS MISSTATEMENTS. AND THIS TIME-- THIS TIME--<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. >> Stephen: THIS TIME, IT'S NOT TRIVIAL STUFF LIKE "WAS THE ELECTION STOLEN?" OR, "SHOULD I HUFF HORSE MEDICINE?" NO, FOX VIEWERS. YOU GOTTA SQUIRT IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR BUTT. CARLSON HAS BEEN REPORTING ON MINAJ'S TWEET BECAUSE HE'S DESPERATE FOR ANY PROOF THAT THE VACCINE IS NOT SAFE, WHICH LED TO THIS APPEAL: >> WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER THIS SHOW IS BROADCAST IN TRINIDAD, BUT IF NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND IS WATCHING, OR HIS FORMER FIANCEE IS WATCHING, WE WANT TO HEAR YOUR STORY. WE'LL COME TO PORT OF SPAIN TO SEE YOU. LET US KNOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. TUCKER'S WILLING TO GO ANYWHERE TO GET THE IMPORTANT STORIES. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN CRONKITE WENT TO VIETNAM TO INTERVIEW JIMI HENDRIX'S COUSIN'S FRIEND WHO CLAIMED THE POLIO VACCINE GAVE HIM A MICRO-TAINT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WELL... <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WE DON'T HAVE ANY IMAGES? THIS IS CBS? WE DON'T HAVE IMAGES OF CRONKITE INTERVIEWING A MICRO -TAINT? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. WELL, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" ALSO WANT THE TRUTH, BUT I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND OR THE EX-FIANCEE. I WANT TO INTERVIEW THE BALLS-- WHICH, AT THIS POINT, ONE ASSUMES, ARE NOW SO LARGE THEY HAVE BECOME SELF-AWARE AND HAVE ACQUIRED THE POWER OF SPEECH. ALSO, AND THIS IS TRUE, WE CHECKED, AND MY SHOW IS BROADCAST IN TRINIDAD. SO NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S GIANT BALLS, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I'LL COME DOWN TO PORT OF SPAIN OR THE FRENCH RIVIERA, OR THE ROLLING HILLS OF TUSCANY. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE, I JUST WANT US TO HANG. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Jon: AAAH! AAAH! COME ON, JAZZ COWBOY! >> Stephen: THE POINT IS, I WILL GO ANYWHERE FOR A SIT -DOWN WITH THESE GIANT BALLS. HOWEVER, I DRAW THE LINE AT INTERVIEWING A TALKING DICK. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JESSICA CHASTAIN AND STEPHEN SONDHEIM. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY NEW FASHION UPDATE IS THE LATE NIGHT FASHION SEGMENT FOR THE FALL. CHECK IT Y'ALL. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>

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