Trump, Musk and Rubio Meeting Cold Open - SNL

This week, The New York Times broke the story of an explosive Trump cabinet meeting, which ended in a shouting match between Marco Rubio and Elon Musk, ruining what has been an otherwise remarkably cool and smooth start to the Trump presidency. We now take you to the Oval Office as President Trump tries to broker a truce. Thank you.

Marco, thank you so much for coming. I know you're under a lot of stress, but I can't have you fighting with Elon, okay? I need you to be my good little Marco.

Mr Trump, if you think I'm going to stand here and let you call me that, you're right. Good boy. We love to say Marco Rubio, but unfortunately, I just made English the official language.

So now your name is Mark Ruby. I accept that, but what I don't accept is Elon having total access to our government. Planes are crashing, and he keeps trying to fire air traffic controllers.

Well, Elon knows a lot about air travel. Okay? He runs SpaceX, which is doing incredible things in terms of explosions and with regard to rocket debris.

Well, just because Elon is a successful businessman doesn't mean he should run the country. Yeah, you're right, we tried that in 2016 and it didn't work. Trump 45.

Not a great president. But now we've got Trump 47. I'm older, wiser and frankly older.

But Elon's been doing a good job with Doge. And he gave me some great stuff to talk about at state of the Union. You know, they're spending $8 million on making mice transgender.

Can you believe that? Probably not, because it's not true. But I said it and it got a big laugh.

And that is addictive. But you're doing a great job, too, Marco. Okay.

You're doing great. You're the goat. You're the scape goat.

But it's it's still a type of goat. And that is an honor, sir. But while Ellen's been causing chaos, I've been working behind the scenes and I am very close to a deal with the Panamanian government to retake the Panama Canal.

Yeah, I don't want it anymore, you know? Seems like a hassle. What I'd really love is Thailand.

Okay. Cause I've been watching White Lotus, and it looks beautiful, right? How about the girl with the teeth?

I don't mind it. So, Thailand. If I may, sir.

And this is very important. America's foreign policy has a long, delicate history, and we cannot afford to. So boring.

This guy can't stop talking. I mean, who. - The hell does he think he is?

- Adrien Brody. Weird looking guy. Adrien.

- He kind of looks like Waluigi. - We like to say Waluigi. Wait a minute.

What is this? I'm thinking something and not saying it out loud. Whoa!

This is a whole new thing. This is crazy. This could save me a lot of trouble.

I should do this more often. I won't, but I should. And maintain America's standing in the global community.

Bat. Well, let's get Elon in here so you guys can work things out. Elon.

Hi. It's me. Tech support.

Oh just kidding. Elon, I want to thank you for at least wearing a suit this time. Doesn't look great, right?

Billionaire buddy shops at Joseph a bank. It's it's giving groomsmen good. Work, Donald.

Good one glitch buffering. Ha ha. I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.

Never gonna get used to that. Now, look, I can't have you two at each other's throats, Okay. After all, I have a perfect record.

Everyone who's ever worked for me has left on good terms, and then gone on to write a book called The Man Who Ruined Everything. So you two need to start acting like mature adults. Okay.

So let's begin with Marco Polo. No, Ellen, I'm trying to talk to Marco Polo. - What is.

- That? What's this? What's this?

He keeps doing this. What's this? Nobody knows.

Okay. It's this little dance. We let him do it, all right?

It's his least unsettling trick. I can't believe this is the guy you've given access to the entire government. - He's not an elected official.

- I know you are, but what am I? - Okay. - Whoa, whoa.

- Comedy. - That's enough. If you're going to insult each other, at least make them good.

Okay. Something like, Ellen, how do you have 20 kids? But I've never seen you with a chick.

Just dudes named Donkey Dong and Boner King. You know, stuff like that. And, hey, watch this.

Marco. Short and gay. Classic.

But, Eli, you got to listen to me, okay? Marco is a very important part of the team, and we all need to. Phase one of my plan is complete.

Ingratiate yourself to the president and take over the media. But was taking this job a bad idea? A lot of people seem to really hate me.

My Tesla stock is crashing, and my personal net worth just dropped by $100 billion. And it's important. All right.

So headlines from the meeting. One America's doing bad guy now. Two.

Marco, get your budget under control. And three. Elon, stay in your lane.

You're not the boss. But I paid you $300 million. And that's why you're the boss.

So we'll get out of your office right after we say this. Live from New York. It's Saturday night.