Why WOMEN DON'T APOLOGIZE: understanding the nature of the problem

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is why women don't apologize I am 40 years old and I think I can count on one hand the number of apologies I've received from women in my life and that does not mean that I've only had relationships with honest well-behaving high integrity women over the past four decades what it does mean is that women seem to find it very hard to apologize for bad behavior and this is too bad for two reasons in the first place

apologizing for something you did wrong is like an interpersonal slam dunk almost everybody will forgive you for being wrong not everybody will forgive you for being right but almost everybody will forgive you for being wrong especially if it means that it makes the other person right and in the second place apologies just seem to matter more to men and using words to solve a relationship problem is actually a very easy and inexpensive solution all things being equal so ladies one of the best ways to earn respect and raise your estimation in someone else's mind is

to admit wrongdoing when it's appropriate and of course to not apologize where there was no wrongdoing and the other person just disagrees or disapproves of your actions check out my episode if you've done nothing wrong don't apologize for the flip side of this talk today I'm going to talk about why it is so hard for women to apologize but before I do please remember to like this episode And subscribe to this channel it takes less than a second costs you nothing and it's a great way to help spread this message so if you like what

you're hearing then please do the thing and if you're thinking about going to grad school then be sure to check out my GRE self-study product at Stellar gre.com you can use the code psych for 10 off all membership plans now the reason why it is so hard for women to apologize is that there seems to be a difference in what men and women consider to be the problem from a man's perspective the problem is some behavior for which he believes the woman to be at fault and as a consequence of that behavior he is now

angry and upset the behavior is the problem and the emotional response is the consequence and in his mind the solution to this problem is acknowledgment of fault and behavioral change and I don't think that's how a lot of women see it from a woman's perspective the problem is not the identified Behavior the problem is that the man is angry and upset and as ridiculous as that might seem to a man there's actually some validity to this perspective like in a court of law a breach of contract by itself is generally not actionable you have to

also prove that some harm resulted as a consequence of the breach no harm no foul so it's the harm the anger and upset that is the foul from this perspective and in her mind the solution to this problem is changing the way he feels if she can succeed in modifying the man's emotional response then on some level that would solve the problem and that's why you encounter the kind of interpersonal strategies that you do with women in relationships under these circumstances rather than apologies and accountability you typically see a number of emotional coping strategies like

trying to cheer you up or making your favorite meal or sending you a funny meme or simply allowing enough time to pass for everything to blow over all of these are strategies to reduce the man's felt experience of anger or upset do you understand women also notoriously use sex in this manner many years ago I was out for a drink with a woman I was dating and she decided to take something that I said very much the wrong way she quickly escalated and within seconds was crying and critical and withdrawn it was fairly early in

the dating process so I was taken aback by how quickly this had escalated however as is my way I didn't argue with her and gave her some time and space to emotionally equilibrate later that night rather than apologizing for imputing to me something that I didn't intend or owning up to the disproportionate intensity of her emotional reaction or even acknowledging the episode at all she just came into the room took off all her clothes and kind of laid herself in front of me the feeling I had was that she was offering sex as a kind

of peace offering to assuage my hurt feelings rather than apologizing for her bad behavior and in that moment I unfortunately lost a lot of respect for this person because of what her behavior seemed to imply that if I could be distracted with a bit of sex then we could all just move forward as if what just happened didn't happen and I got up and slept on the couch in another room that's an example of how women apologize with sex so men if you're expecting an apology from your woman I would advise you not to hold

your breath on the other hand ladies I would highly encourage you to consider apologizing when appropriate why because men respect people who take responsibility for themselves and Men very rarely receive apologies from women so this is an easy way that costs you nothing to quickly distinguish yourself from the vast majority of other women in a positive manner in the mind of a particular man I guarantee that his estimation of you will increase as a result what do you think does this square with your experience of things let me know in the comments below and thank

you for listening