Biden Stands Firm Against Putin, In Contrast To No. 45's Bootlicking

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

President Biden's firm hand in dealing with Vladimir Putin marked a departure from the nauseating acquiescence our previous president displayed when meeting with the Russian leader. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I JUST WANT TO<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THAT'S QUITE PLEASANT. HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. I HAVE YET TO GET OVER HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO BE BACK IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. IT FEELS-- IT FEELS--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> YOU KNOW, IT'S-- IT'S-- THE RELATIONSHIP FEELS SO FRESH. IT'S LIKE WE'VE RENEWED OUR VOWS. READY FOR THE HONEYMOON. YOU KNOW WHO'S LOOKING TO PUT THE SPARK BACK IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP? THE UNITED STATES AND ITS ALLIES. JOE BIDEN IS ON THE EIGHTH AND FINAL DAY OF HIS SWING THROUGH EUROPE. AND HE CLOSED HIS TRIP OUT WITH A FACE-TO-FACE, TETE-A-TETE, MONO-A-MONSTER WITH RUSSIAN PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO POPULARIZED THE "VLAD BOD," VLADIMIR PUTIN. THE 68- AND 78-YEAR-OLD LEADERS MET IN SWITZERLAND, NEUTRAL TERRITORY. IT WAS AN EPIC CONFRONTATION IN THE TRADITION OF THE "THRILLA IN MANILA," THE "RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE." IT WAS THE "BONIVA IN GENEVA." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> GOT THERE. GOT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). THE TWO LEADERS SQUARED OFF FROM THE GET-GO. JUST LOOK AT THIS DRAMATIC PHOTO: AW, YEAH! THEIR GUY FELL ASLEEP FIRST! WOOO! THAT PHOTO-OP STARTED OFF WITH A SHOVING MATCH BETWEEN AMERICAN AND RUSSIAN JOURNALISTS. THIS IS TRUE. THE CHAOS ALSO GOT IN THE WAY OF THE CAMERAS. CHECK OUT THIS RUSSIAN PHOTOGRAPHER HOGGING THE REAL ESTATE: >> CAN HE MOVE? BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET A SHOT OF BOTH OF THEM. CAN YOU MOVE? BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET A SHOT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> >> Stephen: WELL, THAT IS CLEARLY AN ACT OF-- HEY, CAN YOU MOVE? CAN YOU-- I CAN'T-- I CAN'T DO THE-- <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THE RUSSIANS ARE EVERYWHERE! EXPECTATIONS WERE NOT HIGH FOR THE MEETING, BUT EVERY AMERICAN LEADER GOES IN WITH A SET OF OBJECTIVES. BIDEN WENT INTO THE DAY HOPING TO PROMOTE PREDICTABILITY AND STABLITY-- ALSO THE NAME OF THE MOST BORING JANE AUSTEN NOVEL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> EXPERTS HAD EXPECTED A FOUR- TO FIVE-HOUR SUMMIT, BUT IN ACTUALITY, THE TOTAL RUNNING TIME FOR THE SUMMIT WAS THREE HOURS AND 21 MINUTES-- SHORTER THAN EXPECTED, LIKE VLADIMIR PUTIN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> SO, WHAT DID THEY-- REALLY? PUTIN FANS HERE TONIGHT? I DID NOT REALIZE. SO, WHAT DID THEY ACCOMPLISH WITH THEIR MINI-MEETING? I DUNNO. I WAS DRIFTING IN AND OUT ALL DAY. I THINK THEY'RE EXCHANGING AMBASSADORS, ISN'T THAT RIGHT? THEY'RE REVIVING THE IRANIAN NUCLEAR DEAL, AND SOMETHING SOMETHING ARCTIC. BASICALLY, THE ONLY THING THAT WAS EXCITING ABOUT IT IS THAT IT WAS NOT THE MOST DEMORALIZING, NAUSEATING, INTERNATIONAL BOOTLICKING ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN. CHOPPER<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. TOTALLY-- A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. THE "BONIVA IN GENEVA" DIDN'T HAVE TO CLEAR A VERY HIGH BAR. IT JUST HAD TO BE LESS EMBARRASSING THAN THE "STINKY IN HELSINKI." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AFTER THE SUMMIT, PUTIN TOOK SOME SOFTBALL QUESTIONS FROM THE RUSSIAN PRESS, AND THEN CALLED ON ABC'S RACHEL SCOTT: >> Reporter: THE LIST OF YOUR POLITICAL OPPONENTS WHO ARE DEAD, IMPRISONED, OR JAILED IS LONG. ALEXEI NAVALNY'S ORGANIZATION CALLS FOR FREE AND FAIR ELECTIONS AND END TO CORRUPTION, BUT RUSSIA HAS OUTLAWED THAT ORGANIZATION, CALLING IT EXTREMIST, AND YOU HAVE NOW PREVENTED ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS HIM TO RUN FOR OFFICE. SO MY QUESTION IS, MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF? ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: WOW, WOW, MAN. THAT-- THAT WAS GREAT. SHE WILL BE MISSED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WE ALSO LEARNED THE TWO LEADERS EXCHANGED GIFTS. AMONG THE PRESENTS BIDEN GAVE TO PUTIN WAS "A PAIR OF CUSTOM AVIATORS." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> IT'S-- IT'S GREAT. GREAT FOR WILL INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS, BUT EVEN BETTER FOR ME. NOW I CAN DO TWO IMPRESSIONS WITH ONE PROP. "C'MON, JACK!"<i> ( AS PUTIN )</i> "I WILL MURDER YOU." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ♪ ♪ ♪ COULD YOU HOLD OFF? COULD YOU HOLD OFF? THEN PUTIN EXPLAINED HILLS LIFE PHILOSOPHY. >> ( translated ): WERE YOU ABLE TO BRING MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING AND TRUST WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. IN LIFE THERE IS NO HAPPINESS. THERE IS ONLY THE SPECTER OF HAPPINESS. >> Stephen: YOU DO NOT WANT THIS GUY GIVING A TOAST AT YOUR WEDDING. <i> ( AS PUTIN )</i> "CONGRATULATIONS TO JEFFREY AND DIANE. MAY THE SPECTER OF HAPPINESS HAUNT YOU. NOW PLEASE HAVE SOME CAKE. IT IS MADE OF VANILLA AND CHILDREN'S TEARS, FOR WHAT IS LIFE BUT A DIFFICULT BIRTH ASTRIDE OF A GRAVE. THE LIGHT GLEAMS FOR AN INSTANT, THEN IT IS NIGHT ONCE MORE. MAZEL TOV!"<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THEN IT WAS BIDEN'S TURN, AND HE STARTED HIS PRESSER WITH A WEE GAFFE. >> I CAUGHT PART OF PRESIDENT TRU-- UH, PUTIN'S PRESS CONFERENCE. >> Stephen: OOOH,INGS HEY! HE MIXED THEM UP. THOUGH, I HAVE TO SAY, IT WAS OFTEN HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE. AT THE END, THE PRESIDENT GOT A LITTLE TESTY WITH ONE REPORTER. >> Reporter: WHY ARE YOU SO CONFIDENT HE'LL CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR, MR. PRESIDENT? >> I'M NOT CONFIDENT HE'LL CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR. WHAT THE HELL, WHAT DO YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME? WHEN DID I SAY I WAS CONFIDENT? I SAID-- WHAT I SAID WAS, LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT. I SAID WHAT WILL CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR IS IF THE REST OF THE WORLD REACTS TO THEM AND IT DIMINISHES THEIR STANDING IN THE WORLD. I'M NOT CONFIDENT OF ANYTHING. I'M JUST STATING A FACT. >> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS SOME STRONG "GRAMPA'S HAD IT WITH YOUR LIP" ENERGY. "WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? YOU WATCH YOUR TONE, MISTER. WATCH YOUR TONE, LITTLE MISTER. KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE GRAB-ASS AND THE HORSEPLAY. THIS ISN'T A DOG-AND-PONY SHOW. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN? IF YOU WERE, GRAB A PAIL AND START MILKING THE COWS BECAUSE THEY'RE COMING HOME TO ROOST, LITTLE BOY BLUE. I FOUGHT IN KOREA!" ANYWAY-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: YEAH, GET IT, GET IT! GET IT! THE<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> I LIKE THAT. THE WAY YOU PUT THAT JACKET ON, CLASSIC. >> Stephen: ANYWAY, U.S., RUSSIA, NUCLEAR WEAPONS. I'M SURE IT'S ALL GOING TO BE FINE. IN HAPPIER NEWS FROM THE GRIN BIN, ONCE AGAIN, IT'S THE THIRD DAY OF OUR IN-PERSON SHOW, AND I'M STILL BUBBLING WITH VAXCITEMENT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT ALL-- ALL-- ALL THE LATEST IN OUR NEW HOPEFULLY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT, "OPEN UP AND SAY AHHHHMERICA". >> WE'RE OPEN! LET'S PARTY NAKED. GET IN HERE! ALL RIGHT! >> WOOOO! >> YAY! >> I'M GONNA LICK EVERYTHING THAT MOVES! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: OKAY, AS MORE STATES-- SAM IS CUT, MAN! AS MORE STATES FULLY REOPEN, EXPERTS ARE CALLING ON BUSINESSES TO STOP UNNECESSARY PRECAUTIONS THAT ARE DESIGNED JUST TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER, ALSO KNOWN AS "HYGIENE THEATER." AH, YES, HYGIENE THEATER. SHAKESPEARE WAS, OF COURSE, WAS HIS CLASSIC PLAYS: "JULIUS CLEANSER," "CLOROX ANDRONICUS," "THE PURELLING OF THE SHREW," AND "THE MERRY WIPES OF WINDEX." THESE RELATIVELY USELESS GESTURES ARE EVERYWHERE, FROM RESTAURANTS TO SPORTS VENUES, AND THE WASHINGTON BASEBALL FANS ARE NOT HAPPY. ONE NATIONALS SUPPORTER WAS PARTICULARLY FRUSTRATED AT THE HANDS-FREE CONDIMENT STATIONS, SAYING, "SOMETIMES THE KETCHUP IS BARBECUE. SOMETIMES THE MUSTARD IS KETCHUP. THERE'S NO MORE RELISH OR ONIONS. THIS IS THE BIGGEST (BLEEP) OF THE BALLPARK THIS YEAR. NO, CLEARLY, THE BIGGEST (BLEEP) THIS YEAR AND EVERY YEAR IS THAT YOU CAN'T WEAR THE HATS THAT THE ICE CREAM COMES IN. WHY MAKE IT A HAT IF IT DOESN'T FIT YOUR HEAD?? AND MAYBE A BABY. MAYBE YOU CAN JAM IT ON A BABY'S HEAD IF THE FONT NEL HASN'T CLOSED YET. OH, GROW UP! BABY-- BABY HEADS BOUNCE! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, IT'S NOT JUST BALLPARKS. ONE EXPERT WONDERED WHY CLEANING CREWS ARE STILL DISINFECTING NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY CARS. YES, BECAUSE BEFORE CORONAVIRUS, EVERYONE'S FIRST THOUGHT WHEN GETTING ON A NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY CAR WAS, "BOY, THIS LOOKS WAY TOO CLEAN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> AND WHY IS ONLY ONE GUY PLEASURING HIMSELF?!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL SHOW YOU THE YEAR'S HOTTEST FATHER'S DAY CARDS WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST. STICK AROUND. <i> ( APPLAUSE ).</i> ♪ ♪ ♪

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