"How The British Took Over India" - TREVOR NOAH (from "Afraid Of The Dark" on Netflix)

- When you think about colonization, it is the strangest thing you can think about. 'Cause conquering is one thing. You go to another country, you take what's theirs, you want more, you take the land, you know, you take the resources, you kill the people.

That I understand, but colonization. . .

I don't condone; I understand. But colonization is strange because you go there, and you don't just take over. You then force the people to become you.

That is such a strange concept. When you think about where the British did it. .

. I mean, they. .

. You know, they did it in Africa, they. .

. You know, they did it in Asia. And think about in India.

Those cultures could not be more diametrically opposed. And out of nowhere, the British just decided to roll up. Imagine what the Indians must have felt like on that day.

(audience chuckling) Minding your own business, walking through a field. The next thing you know, the British showed up on horseback. (mimicking hoofbeats) (fanfare) (audience laughing) Hear ye, hear ye!

By order of her Majesty, the Queen, we have arrived! (audience laughing) You over there! What is the name of this land?

There's land over here? This is called "India. " Well, my good man, I'm here to tell you that India is now under the British empire!

(audience laughing) And I'm glad that I can tell you that India is exactly where it was yesterday. (audience laughing) No, no, no, I feel you're not understanding what I'm saying. I'm letting you know that we're here to colonize you by order of the Queen.

Who is the queen? (audience laughing) The Queen, the Queen of England, the ruler of great Britain! She who was ordained by God.

Which god? (audience laughing) God. The one true God.

There are many gods, my friend. What is the name of your god? (audience laughing) There is only one God, and his name is God, and you too shall worship him!

You want me to worship a god, but you don't want to tell me his name? (audience laughing) What are you talking about; there are many gods, okay? There is Shiva, there is Lakshmi, there is Hare Krishna.

There are many gods. What is the name of your god? (audience laughing) His name is God!

You don't know the name of your god? (audience laughing) It's just God. Is it like mommy or daddy?

(audience laughing) You want me to worship your god, but you don't want to tell me his name, huh? How am I going to pray to him; what do I do? Every morning, I go to wake up, and I pray like, "Oh, dear god, dear god, I was hoping that maybe, god, you could help me.

. . No, no, sorry, not you, other god.

No, no, other god. No, no, not. .

. Wrong god, no, god. I was trying to talk to other.

. . No, no, no, you're right.

I should have asked for your first name. No, no, god, no, other God, please. No, god behind that god.

No, not you today, god, other God. You're right, he told me you would know who I was talking to, and I don't. .

. No no, other god, please. That god.

. . No, no that god.

. . " Then I wonder why my prayers are not getting answered, ah?

(audience cheering) How dare you speak to me like that! Do you know who I am? No, because you never introduced yourself.

I have come here representing Great Britain! And I have never heard of Great Britain. Who gave you that name?

(audience laughing) Well, well, well, we did. You call yourselves "great? " Isn't that a little presumptuous?

(audience laughing) Shouldn't you wait for other people to tell you how great you are, huh? Shouldn't you just go around the world and just do good things, good things, good things,. .

Then people go, "Oh my God, Britain, look how great you are! " (audience laughing) Well, I beg to differ. I believe we could do it because we knew instinctively.

We are Great Britain. Well, in that case, welcome to Great India. (audience laughing) No, it doesn't.

. . It doesn't work like that!

It doesn't work like that! How dare you speak to me like this? Look, you are the one who dares to speak to me, okay?

I was here minding my own business in my land. You came over here, riding on your skinny cow, telling me that things are going to change. I don't know who you are.

All I know is you are clearly crazy, okay? You're not feeling too right. And I didn't want to say anything, but you look like you're going to faint.

In fact, it looks like you died last week, okay? Something is very wrong with your skin. You're not looking good, my friend.

Maybe you should come down. We have a curry; we talk about this. What are you talking about, I look quite normal!

You do not look normal, my friend. I've never seen anybody with that complexion in my life, okay? You look like you're playing hide and seek with the sun your entire life.

I don't know what is happening, but that is not how a person should look, ah? I can see your veins pumping through your skin right now. You know how creepy that is, pumping, pumping, pumping, pumping?

If I was your doctor, I don't need x-ray machine. I just go, "What is problem; it is your kidney. How do I know; because you are translucent.

That is how I know. " Damn you, we are going to run this country whether you like it or not! We are not going to do anything you tell us.

You're a madman. We are going to take it! You're not taking.

. . We're going.

. . (mimics gunshot) She is all yours, take, take.

. . You don't play nice; take.

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