The Dumbest War Nobody Talks About

come here and Bubba Squad kiddo Daddy's got a story to tell ah is it long sit down for today's tale we'll need to dial the clock back to the time when optimism died the 20th century it's a story of small disagreements festering Beyond Reason a Chronicle of corals lasting through all seasons a fable of ideologic conflict growing tenser than treason all of which culminate into what was called a war despite no shots being fired dad I already know about the Cold War yada yada better dead than red I know the drill what that pathetic decades-long

temper tantrum over whose money system was good and whose was the Unholy Abomination spawned from the battles of the Ninth Circle no no no if I want to watch children cry about how numbered paper was handled while throwing around tubes they go play Monopoly I like my near military conflicts like I like my woman full of crabs I'm sorry we're gonna start the lobster War [Music] it's the mid-1900s and Europeans haven't quite grown out of their main character phase and need to make sure no one forgets oh it's funny because the two movies are so

different right I'm here too okay hey drop it drop the oil but it is the 1960s rolled around tragedy struck America had a Jello mold face but other than that nearly all of France's African colonies claimed they wanted Independence and as France love being seen as the invogue colonial power they granted it to them to look hip and definitely not because they couldn't afford another colonial war this was all fine and dandy unless you were a French fisherman who just lost their free reign to catch Lobster off the mauritanian coast ah slow your roll Ratatouille

you need a permit for that now ah yes there is plenty of lobster don't be so selfish leave the area and cut the puns or I'll detain you faster than a Panzer tank ah don't get all crabby I'll be out to your hair in a binge stop I'm glastrophobic but luckily a few of the fisherman heard some juicy gossip about this hot new spot just brimming with lobster on the other side of the Atlantic and for the cherry on top they were practically free for the taking being surrounded by nothing but the open water salty

air Brazil the fisherman figured that last part could be a problem you know Sovereign Waters or something so they sent out a delegation to negotiate a license the Waltzing up to a country and saying Holy Cannoli that's a lot of lobster ravioli how about instead of you guys fishing them the fuel your 20 million dollar canning industry I do the fishing and Money Getting part would most likely be met with eat [ __ ] therefore an elaborate ruse was needed to mask their fishing intentions so they put together a pitch that was so intricate so

convincing that the Brazilians would have no choice but to allow them Coastal access to their lobster all while being completely oblivious of their objective to harvest them thank you for meeting with us we come to you as a pressing issue seismic reports sounds if you disturbance in the Deep originating from jokosta Brazil Jean if you could just describe this disturbance for us yeah of course [Applause] it was those clicks that led us to Lobster now for our next step okay sorry uh I think I know what this is you boys are just here to conduct

some routine research on Lobster nurseries and just need one of those permits for a few boats right uh exactly what we wanted to do yeah we got the research license the French fishermen acquired a license allowing three boats to conduct research on Lobster nurseries which should normally be a relatively non-invasive process but they looked at this permanent thought that's a funny way to spell four and everyone knows the research is only as good as your sample size and the French like to be as accurate as possible sure this is all technically in violation of their

license but I've been driving with a suspended one for three years now and haven't had any problems nevertheless Western European nations have this refined analytical process to find out just how much they can bend the rules when it comes to a foreign country so they ran the numbers on Brazil we're good while the fishermen thought they'd pulled off a successful bamboozle Brazilian authorities already thought something smelled fishy about these fishermen and luckily for them they also had a similar analytical process France France foreign s were sent from the Brazilian Navy to act as inspectors and

make sure the French fishermen were honoring the foundation of these nations crustacean relations they should be around here oh that's them oh welcome to the Red Lobster we had some interest uh table for two yes I've got the perfect romantic spot for you to Romeos what no we aren't doesn't matter we're here representing the Brazilian Navy oh [ __ ] Brazil yes yes a research center yes yes yes let me just give Zara ahead aside Pierre Pierre's making some incredible progress oh yeah what have you found out in your uh research oh what you get

pinched little no you'll never amount to anything upon investigation they found that along with violating the boat limit the ships were not conducting research but in fact carrying out large-scale predatory lobster fishing with a trolling is this neat practice where you put a net in the water and catch the everything environmental impact what environment so Brazil was like stop and revoked the fisherman's license sending them lobster tail between the anchors back on over to the land of macaroons in April of 19 1961 and with that things returned to normal excuse me there have been seismic

reports or sounds if you will the fishermen returned in November to request another research license but this time further out at Sea on the continental shelf outside of Brazil's territorial Waters which stretched 760 320 gumballs from the shore or for simpleton's 12 miles this request was granted and for the rest of the year Brazil kept a close eye on them while the fishermen played the nautical version of I'm not touching you but just like an early 2000s cartoon fish the French just couldn't keep their grubby little paws off those luscious lobsters and on January 2nd

1962 the French boat cassiope was found catching Lobster about 10 miles off the shore 10 miles got you haha you were throwing our Waters now cheese boy hey you sure hold this one two three four five six seven eight a Brazilian Corvette sees the French vessel for catching Lobster without authorization probably hitting a sick drift as it pulled up but then again everything I know about Brazil comes from Fast Five Anyway by now shit's getting pretty serious and mom and dad need to get involved so whilst the fishermen and navy battled the lobster sea the

French and Brazilian governments battled the diplomacy the war of the pen commenced and at the heart of this battle in the fierce political trenches was one vital question like what is a lobster sounds like a silly question right what is a lobster why it's the underwater excavator the crustacean of the Basin the pogo stick with a prick but even my definition of a lobster is Nature's gripper snipper so wouldn't have been sufficient for the contending Nations they wanted to know whether or not a lobster was a fish France made the claim that a lobster was

in fact a fish so therefore they had the right to catch them according to the basis for fishing on the high seas set by the Geneva Convention of 1958 Brazil for their part pushed the thesis that lobsters were not a fish but in fact an economic resource a part of their continental shelf that they had the Sovereign right to exploit according to a different provision of the same Geneva Convention they said citing a treaty they didn't sign and this wasn't like your average 12-hour Twitter beef this diplomatic battle lasted all through 1962 and part of

63 which is hilarious considering the other things going on in the world stage during that time Kennedy is having us increase our troop presence in Vietnam 400 greenbrays were a start but they aren't going to be enough agreed we must be careful though we don't want to replace the French as a colonial force in the area and bleed as the French did that's a good point got any advice France so now with the Pangolin being a geode yes according to our established law of modus operandi derived from the fly eater sarlacc pit model yes yes

then when taking the Laplace transform of this in a matrix with the crustacean equation we find that Lobster are in fact fish no no no this completely violates the Capricorn theorem let's back this up wow that reality sadly only exists in my head Canon France and Brazil did do their best to support their claims and own each other with facts and logic Brazil's evidence was that lobsters were like oysters and that they both cling to the ocean floor making them a part of the continental shelf but France argued that when a lobster hops around the

ocean floor it's essentially swimming making it a fish which prompted Brazil's Navy expert in oceanography him to spit some iconic bars if a lobster is a fish because it moves by jumping then a kangaroo is a bird yeah that's actually a pretty solid Point yeah and if a kangaroo is a bird then then a flying fish is a spaceship because it jumps through the air uh a little weaker but okay and and if a flying fish is a spaceship then a seagull is an oil rig because it Dives under water okay let's settle down no

it's a seagull is it all oil rig that my wife is a [ __ ] [ __ ] because she's just her man-to-man okay so I made up the end there but don't worry the first part is a real quote that you can safely add to your Instagram bio while mom and dad fight in the room let's check out how things are going on in the water and wow France just doesn't care like the IRS in my front door the fisherman just kept coming back completely unfazed by the international turmoil and monolithic tubes of death

pointed at their face so the Brazilian Navy just continued seizing their ships going stop it while making them sign a paper swearing they wouldn't return but the French were like I can't read this it would often just come back anyway in one instance a French ship was caught by a patrol off the northeastern Coast to order them to sail to deeper waters at first the fisherman Captain ignored them but while he may not have spoken Portuguese there are only a few ways you can interpret a blaring alarm stating post-dos day combati [Music] but you promised

sources differ in the exact timing but it was around now when the French fishermen were getting pretty fed up with being told what to do so they started to complain and if I complain I mean they personally petitioned warships for protection from French president Charles de Gaulle himself degal said Lobster and granted the request sending gun boats along with five more fishing vessels to the Brazilian Coast the French sealed over with a lot more confidence this time I mean they've got defenses now what has that ever failed France but unfortunately for them Brazil was about

as likely to let them swipe their Salty Sea spiders as Hollywood as the bather writers so the Brazilian Navy Board of these fishing boats without a second thought well [ __ ] I didn't think they could seize them with us right here well should we do something no crazy haven't you seen you've seen Thailand the French Navy sat there and did nothing but the same couldn't be said on the Diplomatic front as it was then that the French ambassador to Brazil visited president Joel gular about the issue gular stated he didn't want any trouble with

France and made the surprise presidential order to release three captured fishing boats and allow them to fish honey they reopened that Red Lobster Terry we are a loyal Long John Silver's family as expected the Brazilian people were none too pleased about this in the resulting backlash pushed the government to rescind this permission shortly thereafter things then escalated even further when in late February 1963 Brazil delivered an ultimatum all Frenchies have 48 hours to skedaddle skadoodle to the land of poodles else they'd get the noodle I may or may not have written that line while intoxicated

but I wouldn't dare delete a line full of such eccentric flavor however over in France this Lobster war was really starting to get onto gaul's nerves first they can't fish then they can just kidding they can't oops now they've got two days to leave town God I don't understand this emotion I'm feeling what you are experiencing is known as mixed signal sir no I'm sure I tuned this radio to am no I mean like you know when a girl is kind of hinting she likes you but you can't quite tell if she's into you because

her actions give conflicting signs those are mixed signals Paul I'm rich in the president of France I don't get mixed signals I get [ __ ] so don't speak to me about your poor people problems now on one hand Brazil is an important strategic partner of the French the latter has invested over a thousand million francs into the former and they rely on the iron smelting textiles and chemical products in Brazil also Brazil is capitalist and can help fight nearby growth of Communism so some would say it would be in the best interest of friends

to be like wow you know maybe we shouldn't go to war over the ocean bugs that piss out their face but on the other hand this wasn't the people's France this was de gaulle's France and seeing as how this was the man who tried escaping World War One prison camps five times once while posing as a nurse it should be no surprise to hear that de Gaulle was a very stubborn man and this stubborn man considered Brazil's actions to be a slight on the Majesty of France so he did not back down but instead dispatched

the French Destroyer tartu to the Brazilian Coast tempers are flaring ministers are swearing with this newest escalation Brazil is preparing the newspapers have been rousing the public in the atmosphere in Brazil is one of imminent War the tattoo by itself wasn't a huge concern what made things scarier was where it came from a whole task force of French ships merely three days away containing not only a state-of-the-art aircraft carrier but also a tanker named lebase which means the [ __ ] in French which is also a river in France which also flows through the town

of condom mobilize the Navy understood sir wait and the Air Force but there's one small problem with this mobilization it's the eve of Brazil's favorite holiday the carnival a time for wild celebration dancing to music stealing comically large vaults with Dodge Chargers oh wait that's fast five again and this year people were really meaning this whole situation even some masked revelers went around with lobster costumes so much of Brazil's Personnel were on short leave but with some effort they mobilized enough men granted them War pay and launched ships to search for the tartu under operation

Lobster along with these ships Brazil continued to mobilize to meet the French at Sea because sure their Arsenal was full of vintage World War II vessels and sure they only had enough ammunition for 30 minutes of combat and sure they lacked adequate fuel supplies and sure some ships were decommissioned with mechanical problems and sure the French had a state of the art Navy and Air Force to counter them but at least they had their spirit and family Brazil's planes that have been searching for the tartu finally spotted causing it to start shooting exercises probably to

deter the aircraft the plane responded by flying even lower to show they aren't messing around wow that's cute little guns you got there oh what's this looks like rockets wow these sure are big huh Brazil ships made their way towards the tartu's location late at night Dawn approached and the sea was veiled with a fog in the distance their radar detects Something In The Water making their way closer tensions running high they finally made out the tartu in the mist and oh it's gone running low on fuel the tart 2 retreated and was replaced with

a much weaker ship well hey what about us you'll be fine another ship is coming hey guys what's up oh with the playing field set and more Brazilians on the way it was now just a matter of who would shoot first hey maybe we should go back and fish Where We Belong Africa the friendships decided to head back across the Atlantic after this an agreement was signed where Brazil would allow limited French ships to fish for five years while sharing profits with Brazil who would also get to expand the nautical miles of its territory you

know just a few hundred well in the end France decided War wasn't worth it to be honest I'm surprised it got even remotely this far running some numbers if one anti-aircraft gun on one French vessel fired for just 11 minutes say in case they wanted to teach some smartass aircraft a lesson you'd already rack up an ammunition Bill more expensive than the three million dollars a year the French fishermen were raking in but to be honest with the cost in street cred for a European nation losing a diplomatic war with Brazil over Lobster perhaps World

War III would have just been worth it the lobster War at [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign foreign [Music]