How Stoics Deal With Loneliness

loneliness is a Timeless thing tragically stoicism is founded in a moment of loneliness Zeno loses everything in a shipwreck senica's best writings come from Exile when he's sent far away from the people that he loves Marcus aelius is the most powerful man in the world but also by the very nature of his power and responsibility and fame he was isolated he was lonely just as you might be today life is Warfare and a journey far from home that's one of the most moving lines in markus's meditation and he didn't just mean that figuratively he spent

most of his Reign at War one point he was gone from Rome for seven or eight years he was gone from his family life he was lonely a lot his job most powerful man in the world was inherently isolating and lonely I'm Ryan holiday I've written a bunch of books about stoic philosophy I've been lucky enough to speak about it to the NBA and the NFL sitting senators and Special Forces leaders I'm across the country right now in Las Vegas I just gave a talk I missing putting my kids to bed tonight loneliness is a

a real thing and in today's episode I want to talk about some stoic strategies for dealing with loneliness not just the loneliness of being gone although that's a big part of it but the loneliness of feeling disconnected from other people the loneliness of the modern world these are things that the stoics have a lot of wisdom to share with us and I want to share that with you [Music] there's a famous stoic story cleanthes is walking down the streets in Athens and he hears this man talking to himself criticizing himself berating himself and cleane stops

him and he says you know remember you're not talking to a bad person I think one of the things that loneliness does it's this sort of vicious cycle where because we're away from people we don't feel good about ourselves because we don't feel good about ourselves we isolate from other people this stoic idea of being kind your your being a friend to yourself it it not just lessens the burden of that loneliness but it also makes it more possible for you to put yourself back out there I just like the idea of cleanth walking up

to someone who's clearly lonely who's clearly not having a good time who's clearly very hard on themselves and like a brother like a friend reaching out and just saying something to him I like that but I also like what he actually said the message there I think when we are down in those depths when we're in Dark Places is when we do feel disconnected from people we have to remember that we're not bad people and how we talk to ourselves matters and the decision to treat yourself like [ __ ] is not a good decision

there's a there's a line by the band The Head and the Heart and something like Until You Learn To Love Yourself that door is locked to someone else which I think is beautifully said like if you don't think you're worthy of friendships or relationships or connection or love how is anyone else going to see that in you right so it starts by realizing realizing you're not talking to a bad person you're not a bad person it starts with as senica says being a better friend to [Music] yourself you might think that the stoics are kind

of these unfeeling people and and I get that but it's it's actually not true at all senica says look if if you want love in your life he says then love Marcus Aela says he that he learns from one of his mentors to be free of passions yes but full of love do you have affection for other people if you want to feel good if you want to be loved by other people it's about what you put out in the world as the Beatles say it's about the energy you put out in the world cuz

ultimately that's what you control if you want to feel better don't go expecting other people to validate you other people to give you what you want give what you want Marcus R says if you want to feel good do good if you want to feel loved put love out in the world put affection out in the world see everyone you meet as senica says as an opportunity to practice kindness and the rest will take care of itself I promise most of the exercise that I do is very solitary I like running I like swimming I

suffer by myself which is great that that's how I like to do it but there is also something special about suffering with other people doing hard things with other people right senica talks about doing this cold plunge to start the new year there's things that have existed for hundreds of years polar bear clubs where everyone gets together and they do something really hard and challenging with each other one of the best ways to find Community is around the things that you struggle to do by yourself right CrossFit Gyms great communities martial arts great communities races

or physical challenges Spartan races doing really hard things with other people is a way to pull people together there's a great line from Marcus realas where he says we're like soldiers storming a wall so what if you slip and you have to ask a comrade for help nothing helps you realize that you're all in something together when it's something that each of you is struggling to do by yourself so I think facing discomfort is great generally facing discomfort with other people is how you quickly become a member of a tribe people at the Rock Bottom

when they need help when they are struggling coming together and learning how to be part of an organization that isn't a top- down organization we're going to tell you what to do but a collective a community-driven organization where you're all coming together and you're getting comfort from each other as you do uncomfortable things [Music] together very little is needed for a happy life according to the Stokes masonius Rufus one of the great Stokes he's exiled four times and what does he learn losing everything he learns how much he was taking for granted yes he misses

Rome he doesn't like being far away but he reminds himself did I actually experience Rome while I was there what do I actually need to be happy he says I need a little bit of food I need need water I need sunshine he sort of noticed that he's like one of those people that lives in New York City and and brags about all its amenities but he never took advantage of them and he realized that actually the simple life was better the simple life was more philosophical and that he needed very little to be happy

and that what he had was enough I was talking earlier about how how Marcus said that like we're soldiers storming a wall you have to be able to ask for help um says so what if you ask for help I think this is really important especially again when we're lonely when we're struggling when we feel like we can't do something when we feel like we're out of our element or whatever you have to be able to ask for help there's a a book I like to read my kids called the boy the fox the horse

and the mole and he says something like asking for help isn't giving up it's refusing to give up whether you just got out of the military you just moved across the country you were part of some group you were part of a community and now that's not there now you're struggling you were in a marriage that marriage fell apart you've gotten clean recently and your old friends your old habits they don't work anymore that's going to require adjustment and change it takes a lot of courage to ask for help but you have to be able

to do that you have to be willing to put yourself out there and help doesn't mean hey I need you to do all this stuff for me it could be like hey I'm going to do this thing do you want to come with me it would I would appreciate it if you came with me ask asking for help reaching out putting yourselves out there you know courage isn't just like what you do in a military campaign courage isn't just betting her life on some big idea courage is also saying I don't know how to do

something saying I don't think I know how to do something saying I need help to do something it's a mistake if we conflate stoicism with solitariness with independence with a lack of connection with an inability to ask for help in fact the stoics would tell you to be brave enough to do that very thing you get this sense that Mark celus was a homebody and you know he says in meditations you don't need to go on vacation you don't need to go anywhere you don't need to go do anything you can get Peace by retreating

inside yourself that's something I remind myself when I feel not just myself longing for stuff but even when I go do stuff which has been a little bit weird now that we're sort of coming out of Co you know I go look you don't need to go do something awesome you don't need to go somewhere exotic you don't need to go do something cool you don't even need to go see other people to get excitement to get fulfillment or nourishment you can have that inside you can have that by having a conversation with yourself you

can have that by reflection you can have that by study you don't have to go out and do it you can call someone on the phone I'm not saying to to say don't be social what what I'm saying is we tell ourselves that it's going and doing things that we'll find fulfillment and meaning in but that's not true we carry ourselves with us wherever we're going and so if we want it we can get it from [Music] ourselves I'm not saying that every single problem in your life can be solved by going for a walk

I'm just saying there's almost no problem in your life that can be made worse by going for a walk and you may well solve your problem even if just because going for the walk calms you down or distract you but look I would just say whatever you're dealing with whatever you're upset about whatever you're worried about whatever is vexing your mind or racing through your head go for a walk put the body in motion let the Mind relax for a minute you'll be amazed at what might happen and look the very worst thing that can

happen is that you got outside you saw the sunrise or the sunset you saw the clouds you saw the Stars it doesn't matter you got outside you got active you're better for that and I think it will probably make a difference whatever you're dealing with I hope you like this video I hope you subscribe but what I really want you to subscribe to is our daily stoic email one bit of stoic wisdom totally for free to the largest community of stoics ever in existence you can sign up at Daily stoic.com there's no spam you can

unsubscribe at any time I love sending it I've sent it every day for the last 6 years and I hope to see you there at Daily sto.com slil [Music]