[Music] welcome welcome welcome to L me tonight I'm joh Oliver thank you so much for joining us and we begin this evening with President Trump two words that will always sound unnatural together like clown or Wolf Blitzer and and the reason we have to start with him is Trump dominates the new cycle the way a fart dominates the interior of a Volkswagen Beetle there is simply No Escape from him now just a case in point last night Trump held a pointless rally in Florida which got roadblock coverage across cable news and while his speech was
mostly boilerplate Trump the media is fake Chicago is a nightmare I'm the greatest that there was one thing he said while warning about the danger of refugees that caught people's attention you look at what's happening last night in Sweden Sweden who would believe this Sweden they took in large numbers they're having problems like they never thought possible oh no what happened there did someone blow up Sweden's most famous landmark and if they did what was it there was just one little problem with what the president said and I think this news clip sums it up
we start this hour with an urgent flee from Sweden to the US government asking what is your president talking about yeah it turns out there was no terror attack and look just a quick message to all countries on Earth in the future you are going to find yourself wanting to ask what is your president talking about a great deal and the answer is almost always going to be we have no idea now Trump has since admitted his comment was in reference to a story that was broadcast on Fox News the night before concerning immigrants and
Sweden so sifting through Trump's brain to see why he said something it's now like examining a shark's stomach to see what it ate oh okay there's a sea urchin uh decomposed dolphin skull oh a Fox News segment on Sweden that's what did it it's stuck in his throat so here is where we're at right now Trump can dominate the news merely by referencing something that didn't happen in Sweden and that is a real shame because this week has seen a great deal of fascinating stories go undercovered like this one the arange half brother of North
Korean leader Kim Jong-un poisoned as he waited for a flight that story is both incredible and not entirely surprising because if if you're associated with Kim Jong-un your odds of being murdered are around the same as if you live in a town that Jessica Fletcher visits on Murder She Wrote death follows that woman wherever she goes and I'll tell you why because and this is true she's a serial killer hashtag Jessica Fletcher is a serial killer but it wasn't so much who was killed that was surprising with this story it was how one of the
two women accused of carrying out the hit now says she thought she was just taking part in a TV prank show police say the suspect claimed she was paid to convince men to close their eyes and she would spray them with water along with another woman as part of a gag but with the last Target Kim Jong num police believe the water was secretly replaced with deadly poison holy that is a really harsh prank show you're dead and You're a murderer I gotta well well well actually she got you and we got her but still
you're double pranked there is nothing that is not fascinating about that story but it didn't get the attention it deserved and the same is true of this incredible story that you probably missed from Florida a Florida Man Behind Bars this morning accused of plotting to blow up Target stores up and down the East Coast according to the arresting documents the 48-year-old offered someone $10,000 to put 10 bombs on the shelves inside Target stores warning not to let the boxes bounce around or they would explode his motive authorities say Barnett hoped the bombings would send Target
Target stock prices plummeting so he could buy shares on the cheap magnificent that story contains homemade explosives a big box store an idiotic get-rich quick scheme and felony charges if it somehow also involved a snake on meth you'd have fullon Florida bingo right there and the stories don't stop there you also miss the fact that British prime minister Theresa May went to see some children's Lego robot creations and this is the face that she made and if you're thinking well hold on that's unfair the camera just caught a split second there she also made this
face and then this face what is that ghastly monstrosity Street rat did you create it using your imagination I thought we got rid of those after we brexit Scurry along rat Scurry along in any other week that face would be the least diplomatic thing you would ever seen in your life but this was also week when Donald Trump's ambassador to Somalia presented that country's president with a hat reading make Somalia great again and Trump himself took on the fra Israeli Palestinian two-state solution in the most casual possible way looking at two-state and one state and
I like the one that both parties like I'm very happy with the one that both parties like I can live with either one if I may paraphrase the people of Sweden for a second what the is are you talking about the whole problem is the people on each side who want a one-state solution generally cannot agree on what state it should be no one's really expecting them to suddenly say hey we agreed on one state and it's Peru Shalom Salam alikum welcome to Peru but that right there is the problem here we are talking about
Trump again because you cannot avoid him in the past week alone Trump designated the media as enemies of the American people had his EPA hating nominee for head of the EPA confirmed lost his nominee for labor secretary and his National Security advisor and signed a bill undoing Barack Obama's protections for waterways from coal mining waste a signing that he kept off with this wonderful gesture so how about we give the pens is a great pen how about we give that to the miners that's perfect leave it to Trump to give seven people one pen he
must just expect them all to share it like some kind of Brotherhood of the traveling pen that might be the laziest instance of pen gifting I've ever seen and I'm very much including every other time someone has given a pen as a gift oh great an expensive pen it's different than a regular pen because I get to worry about losing it and no other reasons but perhaps nothing summed up Trump's week better than his batshit crazy press conference on Thursday including this amazing exchange with an African-American journalist are you going to include the Congressional Black
Caucus and the Congressional I tell you what do you want to set up the meeting do you want to set up the meeting no no no are they friends of yours no get set up the meeting the man is incredible because what hits you first there is the racism of assuming that all black people are friends and then it's not until later that you really appreciate the sexism of thinking all women are there to perform secretarial tasks for you the guy packs so much into so little in fact his press conference was so unhinged that
many of the reporters covering it had the same initial response wow wow wow wow wow yeah wow yes wow indeed a presidential press conference elicited the same reaction you get from people who just watched someone shoot fireworks out of his ass which when you think about it is actually fitting because whenever Trump speaks what is it essentially other than just random Sparks and Flames sputtering noisily out of a damaged and now this and now Fox and FRS is painfully aware of who is watching them I know Donald Trump is watching I is up right now
and I imagine watching so if you want us to check your schedule see if we have the same one uh Mr President all right Donald Trump watches this show tweet us this morning let us know what what what was going on there if Donald Trump's watching uh tweet us and just say we're going to Mars you know Donald Trump watches his show and you know Donald Trump does watch her show Donald Trump watches every day he's like a groupy I know if Donald Trump is watching he probably hasn't heard about it and we know that
Donald Trump watches the show so Donald it's more than Isis Mr president-elect for example Muslim Brotherhood Donald Trump is watching he doesn't love when you talk and eat oh I'll be very elegant then I watched this morning a couple of the netwk and I have to say fox and friends in the morning they're very honorable people wow moving on our main story tonight concerns Russia the country that gave the world's Tetris Merkin you wear on your heads and potentially the 45th president of the United States now Russia was at the center of a major development
in the US this week Michael Flynn resigning as the US National Security advisor this coming after reports that the justice department warned he could be vulnerable to Blackmail over Communications he had with the Russian Ambassador okay that's it everyone check your office pools because if you had communication with Russia as the reason the first member of Trump's Inner Circle resigned you win that's a that's a shame cuz my money was on never set foot in a public school or president can't stop seeing Melissa McCarthy whenever you speak but but interestingly the Flyn dearle is just
the tip of the iceberg regarding the Trump Administration and Russia there were accusations swirling around two people involved in his campaign Paul manfor and Carter page uh there's this strong evidence that Russia hacked the dnc's emails to influence the election and then there's of course the infamous leaked dossier alleging serious connections between Trump and his associates and Russia or as you undoubtedly remember it the thing about the urine fetish Moscow sex party and look there is no hard proof yet of direct links between Trump himself and Russia but he does have a weird noticeably soft
spot for both the country and its leader I was in Moscow recently and I spoke indirectly and directly with President Putin who could not have been nicer Putin even sent me a present beautiful present with a beautiful note by the way it would be great if we could get along with Russia just so you understand that now tomorrow you'll say Donald Trump wants to get along with Russia this is terrible it's that terrible it's good yeah I'm I'm not saying it's terrible I'm also not saying it's good though I'm saying it's a bit weird that
you've been objectively nicer to Vladimir Putin than you have to Merill stre who I'm pretty sure is not an Infamous autograt although you know what now I say it if she tried it she'd nail it the woman is a Tor def for but the point is the point is Trump is fixated on getting along better with Russia so tonight we thought we'd ask what does that actually mean what are the chances of it happening and what might we give up in the process and I know that over here we think of Putin as a cartoon
character who stages photo ops where he's shirtless on a horse or swimming like a dolphin or or emerging from the sea like a bond villain or wearing a or winning a staring contest with a baby chick or quite possibly breaking a child's arm but but in Russia he's not some comic book villain to many he's a comic book hero he's genuinely popular there for years he's even had his own pop song [Music] that song has been stuck in my head all week and I don't even speak Russian it's it's called a man like Putin and
it's all about how women want someone like him although just think about that for a second cuz that means they want a man in his 60s who has thinning hair and who's probably about 5'5 so the man they're saying they want is essentially Richard drus but mean and and you know as for all those photo ops well you you'd really be surprised how many Russians look at those and take them at face value earlier this year Putin miraculously recovered two ancient vases from the bottom of the ocean fortunately cameras were on hand to capture this
historic moment oh come on not only is that clearly but contrived Seaside photo ops is the same publicity strategy as Taylor Swift and Tom Heston America had hles Swift Russia got pole jug # pole jug Putin's popularity though is all the more surprising given that from the beginning his presidency has been shrouded in accusations of corruption we've seen him enriching his friends his close allies and marginalizing those who he doesn't view as friends uh using State assets whether that's Russia's energy wealth whether it's other uh State contracts he directs those to whom uh he believes
will serve him and excludes those who don't I see so so Putin's friends depend on him for their wealth that actually explains how he wound up once going out dressed like this because any real friend would tell him Vladimir no I love you but you cannot pull off white denim you look like you're attending the wedding of a yacht and the year 1991 get changed as a friend get changed but it's not just Putin's friends who become rich some estimates put Putin's personal wealth anywhere from 4 to 85 billion which would make him one of
the richest men in the world and although he strenuously denies it nothing about his finances adds up President Putin's official income is around $100,000 a year and yet he lives like the super rich he has a collection of expensive watches even his designer tracksuit cost $3,000 whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what monster works out in a $3,000 tracksuit the only acceptable reason for owning a tracksuit that expensive is if you recorded the 2002 hit workit your name is Missy Elliot and you are not fully aware that other clothes exist that's it that is it I
draw a line there but but for example of really surprising wealth consider Putin's own daughter she and her husband have Holdings worth around $2 billion which is a lot of money for someone who and this is true is an academic slac acatic rock and roll dancer and if you think we don't have footage of her in action you are sorely [Music] mistaken first cool and and second you know a lot of people think that the most dangerous job in the world is prison guard or fighter pilot but I'd like now now to put a a
strong word in for guy whose job is to throw Putin's daughter way up in the air and then hopefully catch her you know what you know what maybe Vladimir Putin has just been extraordinarily Lucky in his life and if so it contrasts with the extreme Misfortune that many of his critics and political opponents have suffered opposition leader Boris nemstov was shot dead Alexander lenko a former KGB agent who turned on Putin died of radiation poisoning a journalist Anna poovaya was murdered on Putin's birthday and the activist Vladimir kerza was allegedly poisoned managed to survive only
to be allegedly poisoned again earlier this year and I know that all this looks bad but again maybe Putin had nothing to do with any of that and just got lucky maybe the guy has a rabbit's foot yes a freshly severed one but still he's got one and meanwhile other Putin adversaries have uh have uh uh ended up disgraced when sex tapes of them were shown on national TV or leaked on the internet and a sex tape doesn't even need to be real as this man Kyle Hatcher who works for the US state department in
Russia discovered a few years ago and last month this undercover video of Hatcher was posted on a Russian Internet site complete with background music Hatcher is seen in a Moscow hotel room in his underwear with the lights on then the lights are out in the room and a man and a woman appear to be having sexual relations on the bed Hatcher told us officials this is a fabrication okay now now that is obviously ridiculous but I do actually have some questions here one uh if someone releases a fake sex tape of you do you watch
it and uh two what if the fake you is better at sex than the real you and the only reason I ask this is I'm currently talking about Putin on television so I'm expecting my fake sex tape to come out any moment now and I'm just I'm just interested I'm just interested that's all Putin has carefully created an atmosphere in Russia that is extremely hostile to any opposition standing up to him can mean being targeted by trolls and not just on the internet when Gary kaspero spoke at a political opposition event he was interrupted and
this is true by radio controlled flying dildos and you know what I have to say I kind of respect that deep down that takes real imagination initiative and planning now what is less impressive though is what liberal politician Ilia Yashin claims happen to him [Music] [Music] [Music] look I I do understand being mad at someone who is on your car but for the record parents walking by are not actually going to be offended because if you have a child your visceral response to seeing someone other than your own kids taking a dump in public is
not my problem not my problem so so to recap Putin may or may not have stolen billions of dollars and may or may not have been involved in the intimidation or assassination of his opponents there is so much that people suspect but can't quite prove in the same way that I suspect Putin's genitals are just a fist covered in Thorns but I can't entirely say for sure I'm 98% I'm just not quite there but here is what we can say about Putin without a doubt he among other things Annex Crimea imposed severe fines and long
prison terms on protesters propped up the brutal Assad regime and signed a harsh anti-gay propaganda law which many Russians supported which might actually not be that surprising when you consider that they see like this on state sponsored TV and gamorra were burnt with the rain of sulfurous fire from the heavens since that time the real name of homosexuals just so you know our dear TV audience is not gays but sodomites God does not tolerate the filth and sin that may consume the entire world we need to resist to stay alive wow now to give you
just a sense of how anti-gay Russian TV is their most popular makeover show features five straight guys and is called that jacket looks fine so look in a nutshell that is Russia under Vladimir Putin and our president wants to get along better with him and I'm not saying that America hasn't regularly cozied up to regimes with hideous human rights records I will not mention names but let's just say that Saudi Arabia knows who they are but but there is something truly alarming about how easy trumps makes this all sound if our country got along with
Russia that would be a great thing wouldn't it be a wonderful thing frankly if we actually got along with Russia wouldn't it be great if we actually got along with Russia wouldn't it be nice if we actually got along with Russia wouldn't that be good wouldn't it actually be wonderful wouldn't it be nice wouldn't it be nice wouldn't it be nice if we actually got along as an example with Russia I'm all for it sure yeah and it would also be nice if you could walk right up to a bear and hug it that would
be really really nice but unfortunately it's not that easy negotiating anything with Putin is going to be way more difficult than Trump trump seems to think Putin spent his early life as a spy for Russia in East Germany where he mastered manipulating foreigners and I'm not saying that Trump isn't at his level I just saying watch what happened last year when Bill O'Reilly tried to game out how Trump would respond to Russian planes buzzing us warships I would say uh do not do that that's provocation that's something that you're not supposed to be doing uh
but if he did if he many you'd have to shoot one of those planes down I I may have to do something which you would hate to do but this is something I wouldn't want to do but I would say Vladimir don't do it let's go come on we're going to have a good relationship don't do it that is just embarrassing he is using the tone of a dog owner failing to stop a spaniel peeing on the rug Waggles don't do it let's go come on Waggles we're going to have a good relationship don't do
it Wags don't do it don't do it and the thing is the thing is Trump has already given Putin something absolutely massive and he may not even realize it yet let me explain Putin is actually a little bit weaker than you think at the moment his economy is struggling which is not great news for an autocrat who may have stolen billions from his own people but he is still very popular in part because he routinely deflect criticism onto the us and not just to dodge blame but to delegitimize our ability to claim the moral High
Ground Russians love it when America points the finger at him and he just points it right back for instance when he was asked a few years ago about suppressing dissent in Russia he immediately changed the subject to problems in America do you believe that everything is perfect now from the point of view of democracy if everything was perfect there would be no problem like Ferguson right there would be no other problems of a similar nature there would be no abuse by the police this is the same case in Russia a lot of problems yeah but
not all problems are the same it's like comparing La La Land an Academy Award nominated movie with glaring flaws to the human centipede a thing that barely counts as a film yes one movie is people sewn mouth to anus but you know Ryan goling looks at his feet when he dances so it all evens out in the end this this message that you know if things are bad here just know that they are just as bad in America that is a key Putin technique Russian State media spent a good part of last year insisting that
the US election was rigged and they did this for a clear reason what does the Kremlin want to put in Russians heads there is no real democracy in the world it doesn't work this will be the opportunity to show that hey they have they do the same thing there is no difference and we're no worse than than they are yes exactly so that is the official line your we're everything's never try for a better world because it doesn't exist that is not only Bleak I think it's also the working title of every Russian novel ever
written and and you know what though you would expect America's elections are rigged to be a standard Putin line what changed last year though was that he had a major American candidate saying the exact same thing and if you think that that played into Putin's hands imagine how happy he was to then see the president of the United States take his moral equivalence argument and just run with it Putin's a killer a lot of killers got a lot of killers why you think our country is so innocent you think our country is so innocent I
don't know of any government leaders that are killers in amer take a look at what we've done too holy the only way he could sound any more like Vladimir Putin is if he said all that in a $33,000 tracksuit Trump is basically the propagandist of Putin's dreams and who knows why he's acting this way maybe he's compromised maybe he's an idiot but since the president of the United States won't stick up for this country I will America and Russia are not the same and don't get me wrong America has had and continues to have endemic
problems that need fixing that might as well be the title of this show but but hold on though hold on cuz our elections have some flaws but they are not rigged our human rights record is far from perfect but it does not compare to Putin's Russia and our press is at least currently free enough that I can routinely do this Donald Trump America's wealthiest hemorrhoid America's walking talking brush fire Rome burning in manall an ill-fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost Twitter's ID made Manifest this sentient circus peanut a racist voodoo doll made
of discarded cat hair a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy upside down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical calls a clear plastic bag filled with cheeseburgers and Confederate flag belt buckles an old piece of luggage covered in cheese whiz a kidney dropped on the floor at a super cut he is basically what happens if the secret gets into the wrong hands yeah I've talked a lot of and and to his presence Trump has not had me murdered yet yet there is still time the problem is though Trump has
already given Putin a lot without realizing it but Putin wants more experts say that he likely wants an end to us sanctions uh for us to endorse his proad position in Syria uh for for to let him weaken NATO and to recognize his annexation of Crimea all of which would be against American interests and values but there seems to be a genuine danger that if unchecked Trump May trade any or all of that away in exchange for getting along long better whatever the that really means so someone needs quickly to get into Trump's ear and
educate him in how realistic getting along better with Putin actually is and unfortunately our cath as a cowboy cannot do it in 30 seconds so we've put together a quick explanation guaranteed to stick in Trump's mind in the catchiest possible form shitty techn music a man like you may seem like you're strong but if you think that know that you're wrong a man like Putin sure has good luck because journalist died and he's rich as fck a man like only wants power he'll take a takee of your golden shower that's not something we want to
see your orangey face all covered in pee and critics like all of better and bar because they'll Che it down and a on your car w w w who whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no do not on my car that is weird it's so weird if if anything it might be the weirdest part of this whole story please don't on my car don't please don't do it I'm sorry you were you were telling the president about Putin go be ruthless and if you're not careful screwed a man likeon is really bad that you
need that explain just so [Music] fast that's our show thank you so much for watching we'll see you next week good night
