How to Talk to Anyone with Ease and Confidence

[Music] thanks for watching a Northwest our next guest says she can teach us how to make dazzling conversation with anyone we meet we welcome back the author of human light detection and Body Language 101 Vanessa van Edwards Now Vanessa I just had to pull you away from a conversation with Faby over there yes um but there for folks who have a hard time making conversation there's a science behind having a good conversation right yeah and the good news is is the science of conversation it can be used in any situation whether it's professional networking events

business meetings colleagues and also it's the same for social parties New Friends Meeting in-laws for the first time luckily the science is the same whether you love conversation or you don't okay so let's talk about the first rule you say is your intention yeah and this is actually the one that we most often forget so the best conversations and the best conversationalists they always set the intention for the conversation and this helps Ward against you know those awkward LOLs or that doesn't happen when you set an intention so what I want you to think about

before you meet someone before you go to an event is what do you want to bring from the event what do you want to bring to the event so are you there to get new business are you there to meet a significant other are you there just have a good time are you there to learn something about someone just setting that minor intention I always do it on the car no matter where I'm going um that helps you guide your conversation for the next few tips you'll notice you need to have sort of that that

guiding drive to know what you want to talk about ask next so set your intention before you even show up that's kind of like a game plan right making sure you have a plan exactly exactly it's setting up your strategy for the night and again it could be as simple as I just want to laugh I just want to have a good time because that's going to change the direction of your conversation okay you talk about approach yes so when you think about conversation you usually think about the first line but research shows that our

first impression doesn't happen when you first hear someone it happens when you first see someone so actually the best conversationalists they always approach they almost start their ation on the approach so what I want you to do is anytime you're about to initiate conversation or you're about to go to someone and introduce yourself is set yourself upright so the best first impression happens when you have nice open body language so you want your hands really visible out of pockets not tucked into your purse not behind your back helps with our trust cues right and then

having your shoulders down and back anytime we Turtle it signifies anxiety so shoulders down and back and then your smile is actually your opening line so when you smile at someone it warms them up right to them going oh this person is about to talk to me it gets them sort of already going it's it's like your opening line a little bit your smile right that's a good idea uh and what would be a good opener okay so everyone asked me you know what's a good pickup line what's a good opening line um there was

a huge research experiment that looked at almost every single pickup line all the different ways we start conversation let me guess would it be a compliment first thing you say is I like that ring or those boots or that dress that's Compliments are great second and third the first one the first one is I know this is it's going to sound simple hello how are you oh by far that one by far and if you think about it that's actually you don't really want to say something too intense when you first start so you have

this smile you go up you say hey how are you I'm Vanessa whatever and then you go into what's next and what's the next part you've already ined so you don't even say your name the first you can say you can say hey hey how are you I'm Vanessa gotcha hey how are you that hey how are you hello how are you it's actually so nice cuz it's so easy and it's so natural so don't think of any anything crazy just go with what's simple and then what I want you to do is look for

what's called conversation Sparks so conversation Sparks this is the difference between a dazzling conversation and kind of like a me conversation so conversation Sparks are the non-verbal CU is when you're engaging curiosity when you're engaging someone to vot wow this is that's really interesting and can I teach you the non-verbal sign for Sparks sure so across cultures across genders and Racers there is one thing that everyone does when they are super Ag and it's the eyebrow raise oh so you just did it so anytime anytime someone says something interesting we go oh that's what you're

looking for you're looking for the topics the conversations the stories that make them go oh really that means they're really listening that means you're not just going into me boring so what I want you to think about is you set your intention right so maybe your intention is to get to know your in-law better right so what you'd be doing is asking questions you're trying to look for likes Mutual likes do you like this rest restaurants vacations do we have similar hobbies that we like and then you're looking for that oh I love the baseball

game last night and then you know you've hit it you've hit a spark and then you can go down that hole on that rabbit hole in the conversation so you're looking for the spark the eyebrow raise um when you set that intention that that's what you're looking for the whole time okay um ending a conversation my husband and his family can never end and I don't know how they do it but I they can never end a conversation It's the funniest thing so we we don't think about ending a conversation as important but actually your

last impression is just as important as your first impression so here's what you do here's a really easy way if you ever want to end a conversation first mention it's called a future mention so hey what are you up to this weekend what are you doing later today it actually shifts the focus from present to future oh yeah and then they talk about oh yeah this weekend you know I'm going to go to a I'm going to go to the hike in Forest Park right that's your cue to say well it was so great speaking

with you I wish you the best of luck on that hike I hope it's great fun so actually that future mention is a nice little tie and it's a really clean nice polite way to thank them for the conversation and then wish them the best of luck on whatever their future Endeavor is that's a good idea let's let's say you're at a party and you want to make sure that someone feel comfortable coming up to you what would be good body language oh I love it okay so um what you want to look for for

yourself and others is uh the pivot out so whenever you're trying to approach two people or three people anytime they're both facing each other so their toes are aligned you know that they're probably not open anyone else they're having a conversation don't interrupt them don't interrupt them so when you want to be approached or you want to approach someone else look for the pivot out that's when someone's uh they're talking to each other but their body is actually angled out their toes are angled out that means they're much more open to approach and you want

to do the same so if you're talking to someone you so want people to come up to you make sure you pivot out towards the room that signals people that you are open physically and literally and I would guess to get off your cell phone oh my goodness I mean I hope that that goes without saying the worst thing you can do is no people H it's a habit for a lot of people and they assume that they anybody can come up and talk to them but if I see someone on their cell phone I'm

not going to approach them and the problem is is when we get nervous and we have no one to talk to what do we do we're like I'm going to pretend to text right so the problem is it's this bad cycle you don't have anyone to talk to so you pretend to text and then no one comes up to you so what I would say is you're much better off going to get a drink always have something in your hand it feels nicer to have something in your hand and plant yourself right where people will

exit the bar of the food cuz that's the sweet spot that's where everyone's like I have no one to talk to so be that person who's like hey so what do what are you drinking what' you get doesn't this food look great hey hello how are you yeah got cont yourself right there really good tips Vanessa as always um we want to tell folks if you'd like to find out more human light detection body language 101 Vanessa van Edwards do you love this video then give us some love in the comments like this video And

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