Trump Starts the World’s Dumbest Trade War, Doubles Down on DEI & Turns On California's Faucet

thank you for joining us here in h Los Angeles California the mo a lay out assignment it's um the day after Groundhog Day today apparently we're in for a Long Winter uh that is according to punksatony Phil who emerged from his hole and when I say emerg I mean forcibly dragged out of a box that for reasons that are clear to no one but lots of people thousands and thousands of people travel to Gobbler's Knob to show Before Dawn to kick off Black History Month in the whitest way possible H living in a h a

fuzzy weather I can't believe she won Best New Artist at the Grammys last night this is a weird event this Groundhog Day Gathering it started as a weird event and it is getting weirder every year ground ground hog in Another Universe the groundhog is pulling that guy out of his hole and dangling him up in the air another Rhoden came out of his hole to hit the red carpet at the Grammys last night none other than Kanye West uh he showed up to take photos he showed up for the red carpet only with his wife

who caused quite a stir she was wearing nothing uh this shows you just how much times have changed before Trump this would have been our whole monologue tonight now it's like the ninth craziest thing that happened this weekend remember the whole country melted down when one of Janet Jackson's boobs popped out for a millisecond now a completely nude woman walks the red carpet at the Grammys they're yelling Bianca over here on the right please also on the red carpet the Grammys last night Will Smith who is banned from the Oscars for 10 years Grammys they

had him on stage honoring Quincy Jones it's like they didn't and you know it's a shame if Will Smith all he had to do is run out in that red carpet and slap Kanye I think all would be forgiven it would be you would be hosting the Oscars next year Will's daughter Willow was nominated for a Grammy last night we I was watching this on TV last night with my kids they're like why is every one of the Grammys not wearing clothes I said I don't know I really don't know and then we have Willow's

brother Jaden who showed up with a house on his head they asked who are you wearing he said Zillow it's um the most disappointed person at the Grammys last night was whoever was sitting behind Jaden Smith but the most exciting arrival of the whole day yesterday was this guy Luca donic who somehow got traded to LA and maybe the most shocking trade ever Anthony Davis went to the Mavericks and then Luca donic is now playing for the Dodgers somehow the Dodgers signed him too they didn't even let him pack a bag they welcome to La

Luca you will never have to take a selfie with Ted Cruz again meanwhile our president jerk Nowitzki is still posting about the water he sent us he's still pretending he turned on an imaginary faucet and uh and let Rayman posted twice about this over the weekend this one photo of beautiful water flow that I just opened in California today 1.6 billion gallons and in 3 days it'll be 5.2 billion gallons everybody should be happy about this long fought Victory I only wish they listened to me six years ago there would have been no fire this

is so crazy this might be as craziest one yet this might top the injecting bleach but so Trump releases all this water in Northern California not only doesn't any of it flow to La anyone will tell you none of it flows to La the farmer up there who will get it are confused because they didn't need it and they didn't want it also means they'll now have less water in reserve in the event of a drought over the summer not only that had Trump released as much water as he wanted to he he could have

easily flooded the town of Porterville and the whole area around the town they had to stop him from doing that what if that had happened what if the image of towns he accidentally flooded was all over social media how would he blame that one on the Mexican transgenders I wonder can someone please open the valve in his head that turns his brain on because the White House is also we're also doubling down on this nonsensical assumption that Dei caused the tragic air crash last weekend in in Washington this time though he made his new press

secretary do it for him when you are flying on an airplane with your loved ones which every one of us in this room has do you pray that uh your plane lands safe and gets you to your destination or do you pray that the pilot has a certain skin color I think we all know the answer to that question and as president Trump said yesterday it's Common Sense yeah mostly I just pray that I'm not sitting next to you on an airplane but if president Trump is telling us that air traffic control towers are staffed

with unqualified controllers these Dei hires who never should have been brought on then it's not safe to fly commercially is it the president was asked and answer this yesterday and he believes that it is still indeed safe and Americans should feel safe uh traveling our skies with that said uh two things can be true at the same time no not in this case they can't let me see if I have this right the system is broken everyone in it is grossly incompetent but there couldn't be a safer time to fly Donald Trump's been president for

two weeks as of today I know right all hell has broken loose in almost every possible way on Saturday he issued those 25% tariffs on Goods imported from Canada and mexic meico then today he unissued the tariffs he decided to hold them for a month I guess he must have seen the guacamole bill for a Super Bowl party why Trump is squeezing our closest allies no one knows but this is how it's going over up north at the Raptor Clippers game in Toronto they booed our national anthem same thing in Ottawa uh Senators playing the

wild they started booing I didn't even though Canadians knew how to boot he's been in office two weeks he's already made Canada angry the nicest people in the world are pissed off at us and if you're wondering why he's doing this personally I think it goes back to this adoring photo of his wife making goooo eyes at Justin Trudeau that was the day Donald Trump learned the word tariff tonight I am announcing Canada will be responding to the US trade Act ction with 25% tariffs against $15 billion like the American tariffs our response will also

be far-reaching and include everyday items such as American Beer wine and bourbon fruits and fruit juices including orange juice my God now he's gunning for our mimosas and that's not all they're threatening to tax along with nipple rings macaroons ice cream and porn it'll include major consumer products like 's 2019 Kia Optimus tree milk and zipper lubricant also weed edibles legumes frosting and soup oh not soup that's now that's too much you know on Friday the Wall Street Journal ran an editorial saying that Trump's tariffs would cause the quote dumbest trade war in history of

course that was published before Dallas sent Luca donich to the L but the owner of the wall Street Journal is rert Murdoch and wouldn't you know it Rupert Murdoch happened to be in the Oval Office today we have two of the most talented people in the world the legendary rert Murdoch and Larry Ellison so they are two legends in in business publishing and probably every other rert is uh Larry pretty much in a Class by Himself right I mean although you may have a couple of bucks more I don't know but but rert is in

a Class by Himself he's an amazing guy and Larry is uh Larry is Larry yeah totally Larry he's hilarious they say so then a reporter had the good sense to ask Trump about the unflattering review his tariffs got from rert Murdoch's paper while Rupert Murdoch was sitting right there Mr Murdoch's own newspaper he called it the dumbest trade war on the on the editorial page on Saturday I'm going to have to talk him I've been right over the Wall Street Journal many times I will I don't agree with him on some things no it's uh

not only is it uh not them you're going to see yeah no you'll see it's not dumb what it is is it's fake he is pretending to issue tariffs so that Canada and Mexico can pretend to bend over for him and then it'll look like he's the big hero it's like wrestling he's like a toddler negotiating nap time with his parents but you do have to hand it to him um starting the world's dumbest trade war is an accomplishment to add to a very long list uh first of all world's dumbest trade War um world's

dumbest Co response world's dumbest climate policy world's dumbest hurricane map world's dumbest election interference world's dumbest Wildfire response world dbest croud siiz comparison world's dumbest Insurrection and world's dumbest error all right it's like the Michael felt world's dumbest stuff you know sometimes a town will elect a dog to be their mayor feels like we did that with the whole country I just hope cooler heads prevail and the countries involved in this dumb trade War can all get back to selling each other crap as soon as possible what happened to lowering prices when when did he

say he'd get prices down when I win I will immediately bring prices down starting on day one okay it's past day one right maybe he meant stock prices I don't know Trump made a lot of promises and on some of them he actually followed through would you declassify the 9/11 um files yeah would you declassify JFK files yeah would I did I did a lot of it would you declassify the Epstein files yeah yeah you hear the little gulp there before he said yeah yeah I might go through those with a sharpie first Trump did

declassify the assassination files we'll see when he gets to his buddy Epstein none of the files had been released yet which felt to us like an opportunity to have some fun we went out in Hollywood Boulevard we asked pedestrians for their opinions on some of the information we made up about documents that neither we nor they have seen in tonight's Declassified files edition of lie Witness [Music] news so as I'm sure you've heard Trump just decided to declassify a bunch of different files like the JFK MLK and RFK files did you read any of the

files I actually have read some of those files like what what were the biggest Revelations that you read about some of the weird sex stuff probably there was a file that said that JFK actually didn't die from a bullet wound that he died from a peanut allergy which just wasn't so common before were you surprised by that actually it was I thought it was actually by a shot right but a lot of people are saying it was by a peanut but do you think that could be true I really I actually I think nowadays you

don't really know you know it could you could be shot at the same time as like you had just had you know like it seems like you can't really obviously going to say it's a shot it could have been a peanut we don't really know but it could be either one were you surprised by the Elvis file what was your reaction to finding out he was in the building on January 6th I think very shocked I think there's a lot of things coming out about oh this person was there this person was there it's just

eye opening what was your reaction to learning that Elvis had left the building I mean how do we know what's real or not because the CIA has kept so much covered and I feel like it's awesome now with the technology we can uncover a lot of the stuff and we're learning since it wasn't the bullet that killed JFK do you think that Lee Harvey Oswald should be released from jail yes cuz he's been in there way too long right and it's for something he did not really do so now that they brought up there was

a peena why should he be paying for something he wasn't even his fault for I mean he did actually shoot JFK but it wasn't the bullet that killed him so he sure served sometime for just Sho do you think he should be compensated by the government of course of course he has what do you think would be fair there's not really a price for everything that he's been through in his family as well so much was leaked about so many people like Harry Truman Doris Day red China Johnny Ray South Pacific Walter Winchell Joe dagio

but we didn't start the fire you know no I think um it was already out there I'd be really interested to see more of the files just to read up um like it was always burning since the world's been turning yeah for sure with all the revelations about JFK RFK and MLK should the three of them show their faces and explain themselves um I feel like they should do you think it's wrong that JFK never came out and spoke after his assassination um kind of sort of like if he said like oh the CIA killed

me right something like that it would it would help you know what he's actually got a really good point oh my God I can't believe it we have 20 million subscribers on YouTube unbelievable I only wish we got paid for this if you haven't subscribed yet what are you waiting for help us get the 50 million please it's an emergency [Music] he