When Healing The 'Worthiness Wound' Still Leaves You Unhappy

hey guys Heidi prep here welcome back to my channel I am sneaking this video in today like I'm trying to film it before I really notice that I'm filming it because I have my dissertation for my Master's Degree in attachment Theory due in two weeks and I am super down to the line right now so I told myself no more YouTube until I'm done and then I woke up and I really wanted to film a particular video so I decided to sneak into my office before I was fully awake enough to notice and see if

I could get this filmed within like half an hour so let's see if I can do that so what I want to talk about today is a term that I want to be clear is made up like there is nothing that I know of established in the field of psychology called the worthiness wound although I did Google it and I know a woman named Thai Sky who I believe I follow on Instagram has a bunch of work on like her podcast around something that she has named the worthiness wound but anyway I wanted to call

this particular phenomena the worthiness wound because I imagine that's a language that a lot of people people can relate to so I hear a lot of conversation out in the world out on the internet in attachment healing spaces about people feeling like they are not worthy or deserving of love and healthy relationships and I imagine in a lot of cases that's a kind of natural extension of the anxiously attached wound which kind of looks at the world through the lens of I am not okay there's something wrong broken not good enough in relation to myself

but other people are okay so I need to focus all of my energy all of my efforts on getting other people to love me and approve of me so that I can become okay through osmosis of other people's okayness right so this is in my opinion kind of the same thing as having what I would call a worthiness wound you might also call this the mother wound the belief that there is inherently something not good enough about you right something that means you should not or do not deserve the same love and care care and

attention and affection and self-respect and self-love that other people seem to more naturally have now healing this type of wound takes a lot of work and I am unfortunately not going to be able to tell you how to do it comprehensively in this video but what I want to talk about is actually a particular phenomena that I've been witnessing online as well as in real life where people are kind of waking up to this wound right so they're going oh my gosh I'm realizing for the first time in my life that I am just as

worthy as anybody else for going for the things that I want in life and for having a good fulfilling Rich wonderful life right there is nothing inherently flawed broken wrong bad with me so now where is the life that I want right there can be this kind of dissociation I've noticed where as soon as people start having these aha moments about how there isn't anything wrong with them they are a wonderful lovable person just like everybody else there's then this expectation that develops that because they are worthy of the same good lives that everybody else

seems to have they ought to already have them and I think the problem here is that the worthiness wound is being healed but the competence wound is not so a few weeks back on this channel we talked about self-esteem and I divided self-esteem into two categories that Nathaniel Brendan talked about which was self-respect and self-efficacy so when we have solved our worthiness wound it means that we've gotten to a place of self-respect right we believe that we are worthy of going after and pursuing the things that we want in life and there is no reason

why we shouldn't get those things if we put in the same amount of work as everybody else now the problem is that if you still have a wound in that area of self-efficacy you don't understand that being worthy of those things doesn't mean you will automatically get them you still have to figure out logically how to pursue what you want in life and only then will you get it right so I kind of see healing the worthiness wound as like putting yourself in the starting line for a race like you have decided okay there is

no reason why I should not be competing in this race like everybody else I deserve a place here I deserve the opportunity to try there's nothing inherently wrong with me that would disqualify me from being a part of this event but that does not mean that you automatically get the gold medal handed to you as soon as the gun fires and the race begins you still have to learn how to run faster than other people if you want to win the race and in order to figure out how to win the race you have to

figure out what the race looks like what the qualities and mechanisms of the race are as well as what type of work you need to put in in order to get to the finish line and win the medal you want so taking this out of a metaphor what does it look like in real life when you've done work on this worthiness wound but you feel like wait a minute where is this kind of life that I wanted on the other side of this work right it is on the other side of you healing the competency

wound so let's say your entire life you have felt kind of unworthy of love you felt like there is something fundamentally flawed and broken inside of you and you don't deserve the same love and respect and fair treatment that other people seem to get now if you have healed that wound and you now know that you are a wonderful perfectly lovable person just like everybody else it does not mean everybody is automatically going to love you if you meet someone and you want them to love you back you have to really think do I have

the same values as this person am I offering the things that they want out of a partnership right because Partnerships are not just about two people being lovable lots of people out there are lovable lots of people out there are securely attached lots of people know their value and worth and they still aren't compatible with each other right so seeing yourself is worthy and lovable doesn't mean that automatically everybody else is going to fall in love with you all it means is that you've taken down some of the walls and defenses that would otherwise get

in the way right but if there's a particular person you want to be with you still have to think about am I offering what that person wants are our values aligned what do they find attractive in other people and is that something that I'm offering them there's a quote from Dita vontes who is a burlesque dancer that goes you can be a delicious ripe Peach and there will still be people in this world that hate peaches right so I think that when we get preoccupied with this kind of worthiness wound this feeling of I'm not

good enough it's very easy to kind of chalk everything up to that right and go if I just learn to love myself if I just learn to respect myself then everybody else would love and respect me too but no people still have preferences and there are also things in the world that you have to use your cognition to figure out and work towards so another example of this is let's say you have a wound around thinking that you're not good enough to have a high paying job like maybe you've been doing work for most of

your life that you don't feel passionate about and you are afraid to kind of go out on your own and try your own thing because you've decided like oh I'm not smart enough or interesting enough or I'm not as charismatic as other people and then you do some work on healing this wound and you're like wait a minute I could do all of these things right I could leverage my skill set and I could become self-employed or ask for a raise at work or whatever it is that you need to take yourself to the next

level in but this does not mean that if you go into work tomorrow and ask for a raise having not improved your performance whatsoever having not added any value to the company you don't deserve one just because you are a worthwhile lovable human being right raises are the result of hard work and of making your company extra money successful business happens when you find a need that other people have and you're able to fill it in a way that provides enough value for them that they are willing to pay you a certain amount of money

for it you being inherently lovable and worthy does not mean that magically your need to do the hard work to get the things you want in life disappears all it means is that you are now in the running right you've decided that you deserve to be in this race of people who are going for the things they want in life and getting them but it does not excuse you from doing that hard work if you want to be with a certain person have a certain job experience a certain lifestyle believing that you're good enough for

that is step one it puts you at the starting line but figuring out a way to logically understand the mechanisms of what it is you're trying to get and then finding ways that you can build the skills you need to build to get that thing is what actually gets you results right so healing the worthiness wound will not give you what you want out of life it will just allow you the self-esteem and the sense of confidence you need to build the skills that you then have to build and in order to get the outcome

so I think that right now we are very focused on inner work in our society and that's a great thing inner work is super important but we have to remember that inner work only gets us inner peace it doesn't get us achievements in the outer World it doesn't get us interpersonal connections it doesn't get us things that we can only get by actually putting effort into our lives right because the outside world has different rules than the inside world in the outside world all the things that we want to get we have to work for

we have to exchange a certain amount of value in order to get a certain amount of value back in order to form close relationships we need to give something that somebody else wants in order to get their love and care and affection in return in order to get a certain job we have to provide enough value for an organization to want to give us money in return so what gets us the things that we want in our inner world is not the same as what gets us the things that we want in our outer world

so all of this is to say if you've done a ton of work on your inner world and your inner sense of worthiness and you're like wait where are my rewards it might be because you are looking for rewards in the outer world when you have only done work in the inner world and that just might mean that it's time to now shift your focus onto the outer world and figure out now that I believe myself to be worthy and capable and lovable and just like everybody else it might be time to start tackling that

competency wound and working yourself to a place where you believe that you know how to tangibly logically get the things that you want out of your outer World alright that's all I have to say for today on this topic I might make some follow-up videos I like the terms worthiness and competence wounds to kind of represent the two sides of the attachment Spectra but as always leave your thoughts experiences perspectives questions comments in the comments section below this video and I hope you are taking care of yourselves and your inner children and each other and

I will see you back here again really soon foreign