A Special Monologue for the Republican in Your Life

thank you for watching thanks for coming I appreciate it and we have a good show for you tonight we've got Hugh Grant Alis hod we've got music from Daws tonight but before we get to them and that we're going to do something different from what we usually do tonight's monologue is for Republicans so if you have someone in your life who is either planning to vote for Trump or thinking about it I would like you to send this to a republican you love and respect with a request ask them to watch this whole thing as

a personal favor to you and I promise I won't make you regret it because it's not going to be our usual roast of trump or some kind of liberal virtue signaling none of that in fact I'm going to open with a joke about a Democrat for a change President Biden remember him the man who disappeared he's Biden President Biden was in Delaware over the weekend where he went into a Joseph A bank which is puzzling why would he go into a Joseph A Bank well it turns out he was looking to deposit his social security

check but uh they didn't have an ATM no ATM so um all right so let's begin well first for those of you who don't ever watch I'm Jimmy Kimmel maybe you remember me from the Mana we uh we had a pretty good relationship back then the beer the trampolines good times right we had fun but now times are less fun we're a week away from an election and we are very divided and not just because of Donald Trump because of people like if I'm being honest me I do a lot of mocking and belittling and

it isn't always productive am I biased against Donald Trump yes do I think I have good reasons for being biased against him yes and I'm probably wrong but I think when you hear some of those reasons you may you might agree with me even just a little bit now I assume you're watching this because you care about the person who ask you to watch it or maybe you're just open-minded and not afraid to hear somebody who might not agree with you speak either way thank you for giving me 15 minutes of your life to talk

about Donald Trump maybe you love him and you'll vote for him no matter what he says or what he does maybe you hate the other side so much you'll look past anything he says or does or maybe there's a little voice in the back of your head saying I might not want this guy driving the bus and if you're one of those people who think Democrats are controlling the weather or Beyonce eats baby skin forget it this is not going to help at all this is not for you but what I'm asking you to hear

isn't what I have to say that doesn't matter I want you hear what he's saying most Americans and you are probably one of them don't have time to watch his rallies and his speeches and all the interviews because you have other things to do but I don't have other things to do this is all I have to do and because I don't have other things to do I've seen all or at least part of every interview every speech every all cap social media post from this man for the past nine years and I'm not going

to bore you with the old stuff that you know I'm not going to rehash the grab him by the tape or the insults to John McCain or stormmy Daniels or the wall he didn't get Mexico to pay for I'm not even going to bring up the stuff that has been written about him even though we've heard some disturbing things from a lot of people he hired to work for him I'm only going to focus on Words that came out of his mouth because I think you might be surprised when you hear some of them now

since day one Trump has been telling us he's going to make America great again since 2015 he's been saying he wants to abolish Obamacare he wants to replace it with something better he says he has a plan he says that over and over and over again we have no choice but to absolutely repeal replace Obamacare and we're going to come up with a much better plan we're going to come up with a great great health plan and this is a great plan way do you see the plans we have coming out literally over the next

four weeks we have a plan coming out an additional plan coming out in a very short period of time we're can have fantastic health care and the plan is coming out over the next four weeks we're signing a health care plan within two weeks nine years after you first started running do you have a plan and can you tell us what it is Obamacare was lousy Healthcare so just so yes or no you still do not have a plan I have concepts of a plan you already have the concept of the plan and it'll be

much what the plan is yeah well we'll be announcing that in about two months in about two months that was 2019 we still haven't seen a plan for health if someone who works for you well let's say it's your Barber promises to present you with a plan for trimming your hair over and over again for 9 years and never does you probably fire that person you probably get a new Barber because your hair would be down to your ass Donald Trump was President for four years you would think that at this point he would have

some answers some kind of plans for simple questions about subjects like health care and child care but every time they ask him one of these simple questions like what actual steps are you going to take to lower the cost of child care what's the plan he does he doesn't even try to answer he just tap dances can you commit to prioritizing legislation to make Child Care affordable and if so what specific piece of legislation will you advance well I would do that and we're sitting down you know I was uh somebody we had Senator Marco

Rubio and my daughter Ivanka was so uh impactful on that issue it's a very important issue but I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I'm talking about that because look Child Care is child care it's couldn't you know there something you have to have it child care is child care you can't argue with that he's like a child who didn't do his book report the only children whose care he seems to care about are the children who are being forcibly sex changed at school now I understand this is a tough subject

for people to understand but this alarm he keeps sounding about force sex change operations this is not happening this is imaginary problem but Donald Trump would like us to believe that our children's penises are in grave danger your child goes to school and they don't even call you and they change the sex of your child performed sex change operation and send them back home make the boy to a girl and not tell the parents your boy leaves the school comes back a girl it was a he and comes back a she you say Jimmy I

love you so much go have a good day in school and your son comes back with a brutal operation and often without parental consent can you even believe we're saying this no none of us can believe you're saying this public schools are not giving gender surgeries to children or any surgeries to children and without the parents permission parents can't send their kids to school with peanut butter okay schools won't let our kids eat nuts you think they're okay with cutting them off this is a lie you have to know that that you do know this

this is not real the President should be focused on things that are actually things there are so many difficult problems that need to be solved this guy can't stop talking about windmills the windmills they don't work they're rusting and rotting they're making a lot of noise I could hear it for 2 miles away they're destroying the country if you want to see a lot of dead birds go to a windmill and just look underneath you'll see birds all over the place that looks like a bird Cemetery they're killing the bald eagle and other eagles and

then they kill all the whales right they're driving the whales I think a little baddy and they say the noise causes cancer you tell me that wow wow wow the wind the wind the wind is the wind is the wind is honestly do you know anyone who speaks like that the people you know who think the wind is are crazy people standing on a street corner yelling at cars he's completely preoccupied with nonsense I'd like you to close your eyes now and imagine you're at the dinner table on a Sunday night your grandpa's there and

Grandpa's had a long day started the day tweeting hate messages Taylor Swift he ended it dancing to the Village People for 39 minutes you ask him to pass the green beans and Grandpa launches into this but if I'm sitting down and that boat's going down and I'm on top of a battery I know water starts flooding in I'm getting concerned but then I look 10 yards to my left and there's a shark over there so I have a choice of electrocution or shark you know what I'm going to take electrocution I will take electrocution every

single time do we agree no we don't cuz we don't know what you're talking about and we don't know why you are talking about it I mean aren't you supposed to be running for president aren't you supposed to be worried about important topics and here's the thing it's kind of funny these silly random rants of his and it would be fine if he was hosting a podcast or or selling knives at the farmers market but he's supposed to be leading us people are listening to him and the country is getting crazier because he makes it

okay to be nuts remember all those people were in Dallas waiting for JFK Jr and his dad to come back to life and then he would serve as Trump's running mate in 24 okay let's try to Imagine John F Kennedy saying the same thing Trump just said but if I'm sitting down and that Bol is going down and I'm on top of a battery and the water starts flooding in I'm getting concerned but then I look 10 yards to my left and there's a shark over there so I have a choice of electrocution or shark

you know what I'm going to take electrocution oh and I hate Tayla twit it sounds much nuttier when you hear it from a real president right Donald Trump is the exact meeting point between q andon and QVC you remember when Ronald Reagan was selling high tops in the 80s no you don't because he wasn't Reagan didn't sell sneakers Clinton didn't sell pork rinds Bush didn't sell B beans presidents don't sell products except for one who sells a lot of them hello everyone I have something incredible to share today we are announcing the launch of trump

coins it's a really beautiful coffee table book I'm doing my first official Donald J Trump nft collection right here and right now my new book save America is now available for order by popular demand I'm doing a new series of trump digital trading cards these cards show me dancing and even me holding some Bitcoins that's the real deal that's the real deal my last two Trump digital trading card collection sold out in just hours and now I'm back with my latest series called the mugshot Edition here it is if you want to go out and

get it you can go out and get it have fun with it my new Trump watches that's a lot of diamonds I love gold I love diamonds we all do I think you all should get a copy of God Bless the USA Bible let's make America Pray Again God bless you and God bless the USA now those God Bless the USA Bibles you probably know weren't even made in the USA they're made in China That's how tough he is on China he forces them to make his Bibles for him how does this not bother anyone

how is this not embarrassing this is like a Bizarro World he's selling Trump Bibles because of course he's selling he this is a man with with deep reverence for the word of the Lord you mentioned the Bible you've been talking about how it's your favorite book and you said I think last night in Iowa some people are surprised that you say that I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite Bible uh verses are I wouldn't want to get into it because to me that's very personal you know when I talk about the Bible

is very personal so I don't want to get into vers I don't want to get into there's no verse that means a lot to you that you think about or sight the Bible means a lot to me but I don't want to get into specifics even decide a verse that you like no I don't want to do that I me Testament guy or a new testament guy uh probably equal this is I don't know sh the sharing his favorite Bible verse is too personal but did you hear about Arnold Palmer's big one boy look he

obviously hasn't read the Bible and that's okay just say you haven't read the Bible if you did you'd know you're not supposed to lie about reading the Bible it's the ninth commandment the lying is unprecedented enry Relentless so many republican Mayors Governors Senators people from his own party who want to support him beg him to stop spreading these ridiculous stories but he won't he won't even do it when he's confronted by Fox News when you said and you know it's gone viral they they're eating the dogs they're eating the cats you say you're just reporting

what had been said but why not say now well look that turned out not to be true here's my I don't know if it's true or not true I read something the pets you don't know if it's true or not true it's been deunk by what about the goose the geese what about the geese what happened there they were all missing I ho I have no idea that's a story that was reported and I said that why don't you go after the newspaper that wrote it don't don't you know blame me well I think it's

been debunked by local officials I don't think it's been debunked at all I think nobody talks about it except you but wait I thought you were against fake news how is this what we want from a president someone who beli beles or pretends to believe any crackpot story that fits his narrative who blames everything on immigrants forgetting I guess that two of his three wives were immigrants I we only do we only have room for hot immigrants is that either he doesn't care about the truth or he has a hard time understanding what the truth

is both very bad options so now we have an election on Tuesday and Trump has made it very clear that if he wins it was an honest election and if he loses it was a rigged election there only two possible outcomes it was stolen or I win can you imagine if this happened in the World Series like if the manager of the Yankees Aaron Boon after the game reporter asked him what the team has to do to come back he's like come back we don't have to come back we're winning we won they cheated the

Umpire was born in LA and otani's an illegal immigrant I I'll see you at the Victory Parade he would be taken to the hospital they do an MRI on his brain to find out what was wrong how is what Trump is doing any different from that he has no plan to lower grocery prices or to make us safer or to protect the border the only plans he has is to file lawsuits uh legal challenges settle scores and punish his en enemies that's all he has planned he's going to pull all the same tricks he pulled

last time and more and this is not my opinion this is happening right out in the open they're not even trying to keep it secret the one thing that makes this country a democracy more than anything else are free and fair elections of the People by the people and for the people that's what it says he wants to turnning into of Me by me for me he's planning to Pardon himself Nixon must be rolling over in his grave just punching himself in the face right now for not thinking of that he doesn't believe this the

election was rigged in 2020 his own White House staff testified under oath that he knew all along there was no evidence of fraud he knows he lost the election Trump's own daughter his Golden Child Ivanka one of his closest advisers said there was no evidence of voter fraud and yet here we are almost four years later and he's doing it all over again if I lose I'll tell you what it's possible because they cheat that's the only way we're going to lose they don't want voter ID because they want to cheat they're trying to rig

the vote through this this crap they're doing they cheat with ballots and they drop ballots and fake ballots they're trying to rig it with this this is their new form I didn't rig it they did they are professional thieves when it comes to elections I see the way they lie and the way they cheat how will the Democrats cheat in Pennsylvania about uh 12 different ways so many ways if you had all day I could give you uh examples I have two minutes just give me one of those examples those poor dummies on January 6

they all went to prison because they believed him and I get that politicians don't typically tell the truth they exagger but this is ridiculous how could we have an election if whoever loses won't accept the results and think CBS should have its license revoked for an episode of 60 minutes he didn't like who sides with Russia over the CIA and sent Co equipment to Putin at the height of the pandemic when Americans couldn't even get it not to mention the 34 felony convictions will he be president from jail I mean how do you see that

working listen politics in a lot of ways is like sports you probably just root for the team your dad roots for maybe you've been a republican your whole life life that's your team and it feels wrong not to root for them to or to vote for them but this time around you wouldn't be alone you have a lot of company because hundreds of prominent Republicans including dozens of members of his own Administration generals Senators his own Chief of Staff I mean Dick Cheney is all believe he is unfit to be president this has never happened

before and you know who else is involed voting for him I'll tell you who this guy Mike Pence his adoring subservient vice president said I will not be endorsing Donald Trump this year who would have ever th it I mean it's like if milk turned on cookies his own vice president how much more do you need but if you do need more I suggest you watch that rally he had at Madison Square Garden or listen to all three hours of his interview with Joe Rogan because most elections are about policy this one is not this

is about sanity and security and democracy you know I saw a shirt the other day it said I support Trump because he pisses off the people who pissed me off and it's funny and I get it sometimes it feels like no one has a sense of humor anymore but is that really all we want for America is to piss each other off I don't want that anyway if you made it this far if you made it this far thank you for listening and whoever wins once the votes are counted if Trump has more of those

votes we are going to accept that even if it doesn't go our way we won't like it but we'll accept it because that's how it has to go we vote we count the votes winner wins loser goes away that's the only way this country can work and it's up to you to do whatever you think is the right thing to do but before you go we have one more thing this is guo he is an immigrant he became an American citizen and this is a toast for our fellow Americans God Bless America we'll be back

with few grand [Applause]