How to Control Your Emotions During a Difficult Conversation: The Harvard Business Review Guide

have you ever lost control during a heated argument at work and said or done something you immediately regret we all have while I can't help you take back that unfortunate thing you said I can help you make sure it doesn't happen again in this video you're going to learn how to pay closer attention to your thoughts feelings and even your body so you have a better chance of staying calm during a conflict imagine you're being chased by a bear scary right now think about a tense conversation or a difficult negotiation at work this disagreement may

be hard and even uncomfortable but surely you're not panicking like you were with the Bear right well it's not always that easy our brain is constantly scanning for threats and when it senses one regardless of the actual level of danger an alarm goes off whether it's a bear or your boss those sweaty Palms that knot in your stomach the racing heart it's all part of your body's ancient fight ORF flight survival mechanism the body makes a chemical choice to protect itself and when that happens rational thinking shuts down and to make matters worse thanks to

something called mirror neurons your counterpart can catch your stressful reactions and the conflict can spiral out of control luckily all is not lost you can learn to interrupt these physiological reactions right there in the moment so you can take the heat down in real time first acknowledge and label what you're feeling stressful feelings take up space and create noise in your mind but as psychologists and author Susan David defines them feelings are just transient sources of data that may or may not prove to be helpful thinking of emotions as data can help you be more

objective about them for instance saying to yourself I'm having the thought that my coworker is wrong and I'm feeling anger labels both the thought and the feeling it creates some distance from the feeling so it's easier to Let It Go differentiating your feelings is helpful too get specific frustration is not the same as sadness or anger or disappointment and understanding what caused it can help you resolve the situation when you're feeling these intense emotions it can be helpful to notice what else is going on in your body did your tone of voice change what are

you feeling in your chest or in your stomach is anything painful or shaky or tight these are all clues that can remind you oh yeah this is what automatically happens when I feel threatened and I need to make myself relax what you're doing with your body matters too if you're sitting still stressful feelings can build up excusing yourself to get up and walk around can activate the rational thinking part of your brain and and help you process your emotions give a neutral reason and own it you can say I'm sorry to interrupt I'd love to

get a quick cup of coffee before we continue can I get you something while I'm up this quick break can also provide a much needed reset for the conversation if taking a break isn't an option mindfulness experts recommend anchoring yourself with small intentional physical actions such as tapping each finger with your thumb or firmly planting your feet on the ground even these tiny actions can make a world of difference visualizations are really helpful too think of a person in your life who's a calming presence or a place that helps you relax picturing these even for

just a moment can help redirect your thinking and start to calm yourself down a quick side note on your counterparts reactions remember those mirror neurons well if you're upset the feedback loop means your counterpart is probably upset too it may be necessary to just let them vent and while that may be difficult and uncomfortable for you try picturing their heated and hurtful words just going over your shoulder rather than hitting you in the chest if you can show that you're listening without feeding into their negative emotions chances are they will whine down eventually another tip

we probably all know is to focus on your breath you're breathing anyway without even thinking about it so pause for a moment and well think about it what does it feel like to breathe in through through the nose does it change as it passes through the back of your throat what's the quality of your breath as it enters your lungs what do you notice counting your breath or focusing on the Rhythm or smoothness will start to lessen the feeling of panic and restore your ability to think listen and feel empathy another great tactic is to

repeat a calming phrase or Mantra you might say to yourself this isn't about me or go to neutral or this is about the business this will help ground you and calm those emergency alarms going off in your brain okay let's review conflicts are tough for everyone and a hijacked nervous system shuts down your ability to think clearly but you don't have to be a zen master to learn self-regulation and to train yourself to respond instead of react acknowledge and label your thoughts and feelings remember feelings are just data and may or may not be helpful

differentiating and labeling them for what they are can make them easier to let go take a break removing yourself even briefly can give you time to process your emotions and provide a much needed reset to the conversation take a brief walk or anchor yourself physically in order to jump start your rational brain use visualizations picturing calm people or places can help Focus your attention in a constructive way imagining your counterpart's Angry Words going past you can help neutralize their effect focus on breathing mindfully pay attention to the quality of your breath and try counting out

your breaths with different techniques repeat a calming phrase it could be something neutral like this is about the business to help separate your personal feelings from the conversation at hand all of these strategies are based on hbr articles and they're Linked In the description below do you you have a tactic for staying calm in a difficult conversation or maybe a topic you want us to cover as part of the series comment below thanks for watching bye for now