Mr. Garvey Is Your Substitute Teacher - Key & Peele

- All right, listen up, y'all. I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr Garvey. I taught school for 20 years in the inner city, so don't even think about messing with me.

Y'all feel me? - Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Let's take roll here. Jay Quellin. Where's Jay Quellin at?

No Jay Quellin here? Yeah. - Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"?

- Okay. So that's how it's gonna be. Y'all wanna play.

Okay, then. I got my eyes on you, Jay Quellin. Balakay.

Where is Balakay at? There's no Balakay here today? Yes, sir.

- My name is Blake. - Bl. .

. Are you out of your goddamn mind? "Blake"!

What? Do you wanna go to war, Balakey? - No.

- 'cause we could go to war. - No. - I'm for real.

I'm for real. So you better check yourself. Dee-nice.

Is there a Dee-Nice? If one of y'all says some silly-ass name. .

. This whole class is gonna feel my wrath. Now, Dee-Nice.

- Do you mean "Denise"? - You say your name right, right now. - Denise?

- You say it right. - Denise. - Correctly.

- Denise. - Right. - Denise.

- Right. - Dee-Nice? - That's better.

Thank you. Now, A. A.

Ron. Where are you? Where is A.

A. Ron right now? No A.

A. Ron, huh? Well, you better be sick, dead or mute, A.

A. Ron. - Here!

Oh, man. - Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh? - Huh?

- You know, I'm just asking you. I said it, like, four times. So, why didn't you say it the first time I said, "A.

A. Ron"? - Because it's pronounced "Aaron".

- Son of a bitch! You done messed up, A. A.

Ron! Now take your ass on down to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office, right now, and tell him exactly what you did! - Who?

- Oh-Shag-Henessy! - Principal O'Shaughnessy? Get out of my goddamn classroom before I break my foot off in your ass!

Insubordinate. . .

and churlish. Tym-Oh-Thee. - Present.

- Thank you. - All right, we're gonna take a little roll here. Jay-Kwelin.

- Here. - You are present? Ba-Lakay.

- Uh, here. - Uh-huh. - De-Nice, Good.

- Here. - Je-Seeka. Thank you.

- Mr Garvey? - What is it, A-Aron? - Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today.

- Oh. - Oh, is that so? - Mm-hmm.

- And what, pray tell. . .

is the reason for this premature exodus? - Yearbook photos. Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early to meet up with our clubs.

- [chuckles] All right, you know what? That might work with other substitute teachers, but I taught in the inner city for over 20 years. Now, y'all wanna leave my class early, so y'all can go meet up at the club.

Ain't none of y'all old enough to go to the damn club! Ridiculous. - Mr Garvey?

- Dumb son of a bitch! Did I st-st-st-st-st-stutter? - Just then, yes.

- I'm gonna throw you out the goddamn window! What, Jay-Kwelin? - Mr Garvey, we're.

. . we're telling the truth.

We. . .

We have clubs at the school. We have clubs for special interests. - Okay, I see.

So y'all wanna play. Y'all wanna play. Yeah, okay, we gonna play little games.

Fine. I'll play. I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all.

Anyone who's in a club, stand your ass up. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, there it is, there it is.

The usual suspects. What the hell club are you in, Jay-Kwelin? - Future leaders of America.

- Okay, okay. How would you know if you're gonna be a leader in the future? Is there a stargate in your bedroom?

Can you travel through time, Jay-Kwelin? - No. - Then sit the flip down!

Ba-Lakay, l. . .

Here's the thing. I don't even know why I'm about to ask you this. Ba-Lakay, what club are you in?

- I'm part of the Spanish club. - Span. .

. The Sp. .

. You about as Spanish as Ree-On Seacrest, with your big-ass Fraggle Rock hair! How about you, De-Nice?

- I'm in the chess club. - Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, you are not in the chest club. The mosquito bite club, maybe.

- Ah, that's hurtful. - Truthful. There he is.

- A-Aron. . .

- Hey. - What club are you in? - I'm the president of the glee club.

Why did I talk? - The glee club? Aah!

Like they gonna have a club dedicated to a TV show! Take your ass, to O-Shag-Hennessey's office right now, before I bust a club up in your butt! - Okay.

- Go! - [crying] Okay, I'm gonna go. - Mischievous and deceitful!

Chicanerous and deplorable. - This is Principal O'Shaughnessy. Students, please report to the gymnasium for your club photos.

- Fake announcement. Now, does anybody in here have a valid reason for leaving this classroom? T-Mothy.

- I gotta go pick up my daughter. - You're excused.