What Really Creates Attraction

Why does Daenerys fall for Jon Snow? I mean, yes, he is a powerful and handsome guy but Dany has been pursued by plenty of powerful and handsome men but none truly interested her; something is different about Jon. Now the show gives us some clues that actually can teach you a lot about attraction and love in the real world which is why I wanted to explore exactly what it was they created that spark of love because you might actually learn something for your own life.

In order to see what is special about Jon though, we have to first take a look at one suitor that came close to making Dany fall in love but didn't fit the bill. I told them I am Daario Naharis. Daario Naharis has certain traits that Dany immediately finds appealing and one of the most prominent is his penchant for taking risks and coming out on top.

I'm not a general, or a member of your queensguard, or the commander of your unsullied; my mother was a whore. I come from nothing and before long I will return to nothing. Let me kill this man for you.

Very well. Are you sure you don't want a horse? Why would I want a horse?

Horses are faster than men. Horses are dumber than men. This isn't just convenient writing; it's true in the real world as well but women are drawn to men who take risks successfully.

Now to be clear, risk-taking doesn't mean that you have to put your life on the line — starting a business is a risk, performing on a stage is a risk, and even simply asking a woman out on a date can feel like a risk especially when she is the queen and could have your head cut off. Now, this doesn't stop Daario from making his affection to Dany very obvious. All right, what is this matter of strategy?

A dusk rose. Would you like to walk at the back of the trail instead of riding? This one is called lady's lace.

Would you like to walk without shoes? You have to know a land to rule it. You are a gambler, aren't you?

But what is exceptional here is Dario's attitude because it is especially attractive if someone can keep a playful attitude during what others might see as a risky encounter; it's why this move. . .

. . .

and this common confident demeanor. . .

Take off your clothes. . .

. and even poking fun at yourself. .

. Do you think I'm petty enough to speak ill of a man just because he represents competition? I do.

You're right. And my motivations are entirely impure. .

. . are also powerful in creating attraction between two people.

When we see playfulness in the face of risk, it sub-communicates that that person is confident. In Game of Thrones, the risk is often life or death and honestly, I think that Dario is insane but in the real world, the risk is most often social rejection and even though social rejection can sometimes feel like life or death when you're in the midst of it, when you stay playful in the face of that, it is an incredibly attractive trait. That's why we are drawn to characters like Ryan Gosling's in Crazy Stupid Love.

It's not that he's seriously persistent in following Emma Stone around the bar and not taking no for an answer which would be creepy, it's that he's playfully persistent — cracking jokes as she walks away indicating the rejection is no big deal to him. Just watch. Okay.

Hannah, can I buy you a drink? Okay, it's. .

. you know what? It's time to go home.

Jacob: Really? Hannah: Mm-hmm. Jacob: Well, that’s forward of you.

But okay. I'll do it. Hannah: Yeah.

So, should I get my car? Or yours? Should I pull the car around?

You've been drinking; I'll drive. Liz. Coming.

I like this scene because it illustrates something that most people misunderstand because most people think that confidence comes from knowing that everything is gonna work out just the way that you want it to — you'll walk up, ask the guy or girl you like out on a date, save the perfect line, and they'll say, "Yes. " But that's not where true confidence comes from. The root of confidence is believing that no matter what happens, you will be okay.

If the guy or girl doesn't laugh at your joke, no big deal. So even if the guy or girl that you're interested in says no, no big deal. If the guy or girl doesn't laugh at your joke, no big deal.

If the guy or girl doesn't laugh at your joke, no big deal. If your business falls through where your performance goes terribly, no big deal. And this comes through in subtle little ways like a glance — just look at the difference between Daario's playful composure when Dany rejects him.

Would you like to walk wiithout shoes? You have to know a land to rule it. And now look at Jorah Mormont when he let's it slip that he kind of has a crush on Dany and how harsh he takes her lack of a response.

There were times when I look at you, um, I still can't believe you're real. It seems that Jorah doesn't have that confidence that comes from knowing that however Daenerys responds, it's going to be okay, he will still be alright and happy. Now in addition, Daario gives Dany his honest opinion and this might seem like an obvious thing to do but with both men and women who are desirable, so many of their suitors simply tell them what they think that they want to hear and while disagreeing with someone might create momentary tension — you might even argue about it — when you do it in a non-petty and a respectful way, it tends to create attraction; Daario even points this out.

You're the queen. Everyone's too afraid of you to speak truth — everyone but me. Add all of this up and, yes, plus more than a little bit of good looks and Daario is someone that Dany is clearly attracted to.

But in the end, she has no problem leaving him. I said farewell to a man who loves me — a man I thought I cared for. And I felt nothing.

You could chalk this up to Daenerys being heartless but I think it actually speaks more about Daario's character than hers that she has no problem walking away from him. He's missing something — which brings us to Jon Snow. Now Jon clearly has the risk-takin and sometimes he's a little bit crazy about it.

Jon is also willing to tell Dany the truth even when she might not like it. Pledge your soul to her cause. And why would I do that?

I mean no offense, Your Grace, but I don't know you. As far as I can tell, your claim to the throne rests entirely on your father's name and my own father fought to overthrow the Mad King. The Lords of the North place their trust in me to lead them and I will continue to do so as well as I can.

And while Jon is really nowhere near as charming as Daario, I was even able to find one moment of some light-hearted playfulness though I'll admit I did have to scour for this. If I don't return, at least you won't have to deal with the King of the North anymore. So a lot of those same pieces from Daario are there and while the attraction between Dany and Jon did take some time to build, probably due to Jon's more reserved and brooding nature, it ultimately leads to greater feelings.

Why? First off, because Jon has standards. Now obviously, he finds Dany beautiful and he even hints as much but that's not enough for him to immediately pursue her.

He cares more about her character and it's not until he sees her perform an act of true sacrifice and valor that he names her his queen. Now, about my queen. .

. I would, um, bend the knee but. .

. Jon, those who swore allegiance to you. .

. They'll all come to see you for what you are. I hope I deserve it.

You do. This is significant. Jon isn't bending the knee to Dany's looks or her power but to her character and the same can be said of Daenerys with regards to Jon — she doesn't fall for his looks — she even remarks that he's too small for her — but begins to care for him as she learns more about him.

And that is what we all truly want in a partner — it's someone who cares about who we are as a person and loves us for that instead of anything that we may have in the moment whether that's status, looks, or anything. Dany knows that this isn't true of Daario who made his reasons for pursuing her entirely clear when he met her. I'm the simplest man you'll ever meet.

I only do what I want to do. Now there's nothing wrong with pursuing someone because you find them physically attractive, at least at the onset, but if that's all that you care about, the feelings on both sides will probably stay relatively shallow. And though Daario does grow to care about Dany and I think is genuinely impressed with her character by the end of his time with her, when she leaves, he seems mostly disappointed that he will never have a conquest with the same status and title.

I'm full of self-pity — who comes after you — who can never follow Daenerys Stormborn, the mother of dragons. A great number of women, I imagine. And it's for that reason that it's not gut-wrenching for Dany to leave Daario behind.

In addition, he doesn't really seem to care about more than his own personal pleasure as he states repeatedly. I'm here for you, not them. Daario wants what he wants and he goes after it which is certainly a confident and attractive trait that you would do well to cultivate but it doesn't create love.

We love people who live by principles beyond their own self-interest, we love people who have a mission — a purpose that is bigger than themselves, and we love people who inspire us to be more through their example. Jon Snow is the embodiment of that. I put my trust in you, a stranger, because I knew it was the best chance for my people — for all our people.

Now I'm asking you to trust in a stranger because it's our best chance. To be clear, this isn't just words. Jon repeatedly demonstrates his valor with his sometimes bafflingly stupid self-sacrificing behavior.

And when Dany sees the lengths that Jon is willing to go for others, she falls for him. The crowning moment is when she sees his scars — the physical representation of what he is willing to give for everyone else. And what I find especially interesting here is that Jon hid these scars and the story behind them from Daenerys twice before.

He faced those things, he fought those things for the good of his people, he risked his life for his people, he took a knife in the heart for his people, he gave his own— When you first came here, Ser Davos said you took a knife in the heart for your people. Ser Davos gets carried away. So it was a figure of speech?

This wasn't a necessary omission in order for Dany to fall in love with Jon and I am certainly not an advocate of lying so bad on you, Jon Snow. But in this case, it does further goes to prove to Dany that Jon isn't trying to impress her. His dedication to others isn't some ploy intended to curry her favor; it's the genuine article.

And because she finds out about his scars without him directly having to tell her, it adds even more to his legitimacy as a purpose-driven leader. So, yes, take social risks, give your honest opinion — those are worthwhile behaviors for lots of different reasons and will probably make more people more attracted to you. But the reason that Dany is falling in love with Jon and Jon with Dany is because they each care more about the other than looks and power; it's because Jon lives for a cause that is bigger than his own pleasure and so does Dany.

They both have high standards for each other — Jon for her, and her for him. Those standards are the difference between simple attraction and a real connection that could become love. And I think it's worth saying that if you're like me, you're going to miss the heck out of Game of Thrones for potentially the next two years until season 8 comes back but if you need one more fix, there is something that most fans don't know about and that is that George R.

R. Martin wrote three amazing short stories set in Westeros that are kind of like prequels to Game of Thrones and the stories are all awesome. You meet characters like the three-eyed Raven before he was a tree, learn about Meister Amon and even meet Tywin's grandma.

Now all three of these stories are contained in a volume called A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms and you can check it out for free thanks to our sponsor for this video, Audible. You sign up with the link in the description and \get a free 30-day trial with a free audiobook and I am highly recommending that you make that audio book A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms plus you'll get access to tons of other books in the future. Now this particular one, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, makes for a great listen; they really are three amazing stories in the first.

It's probably one of my favorite stories in the entire world of Game of Thrones and it should help ease the pain of these months and maybe years before season 8. So sign up for Audible today through our link, audible. com/charisma and start listening for free.

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