SNL, Late Night Shows Probed By Feds Because No. 45 Couldn't Take A Joke

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today we learned that the former president, upset about jokes made at his expense on television, asked the FCC and Department of Justice to probe Saturday Night Live, Jimmy Kimmel Live and other late night shows, presumably to pressure them for more favorable coverage. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": http://bit.ly/1Puei40 Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: http://bit.ly/29wfREj Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount , and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

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Video Transcript:

WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THIS EVENING--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> THIS HAS HAPPENED AT THIS POINT. THIS EVENING, THE DEMOCRATS ATTEMPT TO PASS THE "FOR THE PEOPLE" VOTING RIGHTS BILL BUT IT WAS DEFEATED BY MITCH McCONNELL AND HIS REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES. YES, YES, AT LONG LAST, THAT MOMENT THAT WE KNEW WOULD NEVER HAPPEN, FINALLY DIDN'T, 1KWRU6789 THE WAY WE ALWAYS THOUGHT IT NEVER WOULD. BUT FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN STILL HOPE, TODAY IS THE NEW YORK DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY OR, AS IT'S CALLED IN NEW YORK: "THE ELECTION." ALL SORTS-- ALL SORTS-- ALL SORTS OF MUNICIPAL OFFICES ARE UP FOR GRABS LIKE CITY COMPTROLLER, MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY, AND PUBLIC URINATION CZAR. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> QUICK REMINDER: YESTERDAY, WE WON A PEABODY. FOR JOKES LIKE THAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). I WOULD SAY THAT JOKE CHANGES THE SPELLING OF "PEABODY." BUT THE BIG OFFICE UP FOR GRABS IS WHO WILL REPLACE MAYOR BILL de BLASIO AS THE PERSON GETTING BOOED AT METS GAMES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THE WINNER IS EXPECTED TO BE... I DUNNO. IN THE LATEST POLL, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS HAS A SLIGHT LEAD OVER CIVIL RIGHTS LAWYER MAYA WILEY AND SIX OTHER CANDIDATES. BUT THE POLLS DON'T MEAN MUCH, BECAUSE TODAY IS THE CITY'S FIRST MAYORAL ELECTION USING RANKED-CHOICE VOTING-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH--<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> BIG FANS. BIG FANS OF SOMETHING THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "RANK" CHOICE, THE DOLLAR STORE'S WORST IS SODA. >> Jon: BURN A HOLE THROUGH YOUR T-SHIRT. >> Stephen: HERE'S HOW RANKED-CHOICE VOTING WORKS: IF A SINGLE CANDIDATE RECEIVES MORE THAN 50% OF FIRST-CHOICE VOTES IN THE FIRST ROUND, THEN HE OR SHE WINS. BUT IF NO ONE EXCEEDS 50% OF VOTES IN THE FIRST ROUND, THE CANDIDATE IN LAST PLACE IS ELIMINATED, AND ALL THE VOTES FOR THE ELIMINATED CANDIDATE WILL BE REALLOCATED TO WHICHEVER CANDIDATE THOSE VOTERS RANKED SECOND. AND THIS REPEATS UNTIL THERE ARE TWO CANDIDATES LEFT. WITH RULES THAT COMPLICATED, THIS YEAR, THEY'RE HANDING OUT STICKERS THAT SAY "I VOTED?"<i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> CURRENT MAYOR-- CURRENT MAYOR-- SURE. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪ CURRENT MAYOR BILL de BLASIO TRIED TO EXPLAIN THE SYSTEM USING THIS PIZZA-TOPPING ANALOGY. >> GREEN PEPPERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, RIGHT HERE, MY NUMBER-ONE CHOICE. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE GREEN PEPPERS ENOUGH. NOW, GETS A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING HERE. WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE? AGAIN, I'M GOING TO LEAN INTO MY HERITAGE. NUMBER TWO, OLIVES. THIS ONE'S A LITTLE BIT CONTROVERSIAL. USUALLY ITS BLACK OLIVES, COULD BE GREEN OLIVES. SOME PEOPLE THINK OLIVES BELONG ON A PIZZA. SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY AGAINST IT, BUT I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES. >> Stephen: TO RECAP: DON'T ORDER PIZZA WITH BILL de BLASIO. NOW--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: YOU LIKE OLIVES? >> Stephen: I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. NOW, BECAUSE THE VOTES HAVE TO BE RETABULATED EVERY TIME A CANDIDATE GETS ELIMINATED, ELECTION OFFICIALS ARE WARNING THEY MAY NOT DECLARE A WINNER UNTIL MID-JULY. KEEP IN MIND, WE ONLY WAITED FOUR DAYS TO FIND OUT WHO WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. SO SOMEBODY AT CITY HALL BETTER MAKE SURE THOSE WALLS ARE POOP-PROOF. IT'S JOKES LIKE THAT THAT WIN YOU A POOBODY. AS I SAID--<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> AS I SAID, ADAMS IS THE FRONTRUNNER, BUT HE'S BEEN PRETTY GAFFE-PRONE DURING THE RACE, AND THE LATEST GAFFE IS A WEIRD ONE. ERIC ADAMS SAID HIS FAVORITE CONCERT WAS THE ONE IN 1990 WHEN CURTIS MAYFIELD GOT PARALYZED ON STAGE. ADAMS EXPLAINED, "AT THAT CONCERT, THERE WAS A RAINSTORM, AND THE LIGHTS FELL ON CURTIS MAYFIELD, AND THEY ACTUALLY PARALYZED HIM AT THAT CONCERT. BUT IT WAS AN AMAZING CONCERT BEFORE THAT HAPPENED." REALLY? THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "THE BIRDS WERE CHIRPING, THE SUN WAS GLISTENING OFF THE PACIFIC, WHICH IS WHY MY FAVORITE DAY IN HAWAII WAS DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY THAT-- EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS IN THE MIDDLE-- WILL LIVE IN AWESOME." IN NATIONAL POLITICS, THERE'S MORE DISTURBING NEWS ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT OLD WACK DONALD. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> TODAY-- TODAY TODAY WE LEARNED HE WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> STRANGE. IT'S STRANGE. THERE HAS NOT BEEN A PRESIDENTIALOVERREACTION LIKE THIS SINCE NIXON SENT NAVY SEALS TO ASSASSINATE THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS. WE KNEW THE EX-PREZ WAS MAD ABOUT "S.N.L." HE TWEETED ABOUT THEM A FEW TIMES, IN BETWEEN HIS MORE IMPORTANT WORK OF CALLING PORN STARS "HORSE-FACED." BUT BEHIND THE SCENES, HE "ASKED ADVISERS AND LAWYERS WHAT THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, THE COURT SYSTEM, AND THE D.O.J. COULD DO TO PROBE JIMMY KIMMEL AND OTHER LATE-NIGHT COMEDY MISCHIEF-MAKERS." <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> REALLY? REALLY? FOLKS, THIS IS DANGEROUS, DISTURBING, UN-AMERICAN-- AND WHY DO I GET LUMPED IN WITH "OTHER COMEDY MISCHIEF-MAKERS." I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S A GUY GOTTA DO. ALL DUE RESPECT TO MY DEAR FRIEND JAMES TIBERIUS KIMMEL, BUT IF THE D.O.J. THUGS ARE KICKING DOWN DOORS TO ROUND UP THE LATE-NIGHT CHUCKLEHEADS TO DRAG US OFF TO MAR A GULAGO, TO BE ASSASSINATED, I SHOULD GET MORE THAN "AND THE REST." I DON'T APPRECIATE THE PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN TREATMENT HERE. MY NAME--<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> MY NAME-- MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT. MY NAME SHOULD BE IN LIGHTS ON THE STADIUM WHERE THEY'RE EXECUTING US FOR OUR TERRIBLE IMPRESSIONS OF HIM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> OF COURSE, NOW THAT LEX LOSER IS OIT OF OFFICE, A LOT OF PROSECUTORS OUT THERE ARE FOCUSED ON PROBING HIM. HERE IN NEW YORK, THE MANHATTAN D.A.'S OFFICE IS PUTTING PRESSURE ON HIS UNDERLINGS TO GET THEM TO FLIP ON THE BOSS. NOW THEY'RE TURNING THE SCREWS ON HIS FORMER BODYGUARD AND GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'D BE NAMED MATTHEW CALAMARI, MATTHEW CALAMARI, "MATTHEW CALAMARI" SOUNDS LIKE A NAME A COP MAKES UP WHEN HE'S UNDERCOVER AT OLIVE GARDEN. "YEAH, I'M, UH, MATTHEW... MATTHEW CALAMARI. AND THIS IS MY BUDDY, LARRY UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS." <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> SPECIFICALLY, PROSECUTORS ARE INVESTIGATING WHETHER CALAMARI RECEIVED SOMETHING CALLED "TAX-FREE FRINGE BENEFITS," WHICH IS WHEN AN EMPLOYEE RECEIVES BENEFITS SUCH AS FREE APARTMENTS, SUBSIDIZED RENT, OR CAR LEASES FROM AN EMPLOYER AND DOESN'T PAY TAXES ON SUCH BENEFITS. WAIT, GIVING CALAMARI PERKS IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS LOYALTY? THAT IS A CLEAR "SQUID PRO QUO." <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> KEEP THEM COMING. KEEP THEM COMING. CALAMARI ISN'T THE ONLY MEMBER OF THIS BREADED CRIME RING IN TROUBLE, BECAUSE PROSECUTORS ARE ALSO INVESTIGATING CALAMARI'S SON, MATTHEW CALAMARI JR. LIKE HIS FATHER, CALAMARI JR. HASN'T YET BEEN OFFICIALLY CHARGED YET, BUT PROSECUTORS RECENTLY ADVISED BOTH MEN TO HIRE LAWYERS. YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN WHEN THE CALAMARI ARE ORDERING LAWYERS FOR THE WHOLE TABLE. DO YOU GUYS WANT THAT? LET'S GET SOME LAWYERS. HEY, SWEETIE, COULD WE GET A ROUND? COULD WE GET A ROUND OF CALL MAURY HERE? OH, THERE'S SOME EXCITING FOOTBALL NEWS, THANKS TO RAIDERS DEFENSIVE LINEMAN AND MAN WHO JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S LEFTOVER CAKE IN THE BREAK ROOM, CARL NASSIB. YESTERDAY, NASSIB MADE HISTORY WHEN HE BECAME THE FIRST ACTIVE N.F.L. PLAYER TO PUBLICLY DECLARE THAT HE IS GAY. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> AMAZING! IT'S EXTRAORDINARY! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> THAT IS SO EXCITING AND SO BRAVE AND IMPORTANT-- OR, AS THEY SAY IN THE N.F.L.: >> IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD! >> Stephen: NASSIB MADE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT IN A VIDEO HE POSTED TO HIS INSTAGRAM. TAKE A LOOK: >> WHAT'S UP, PEOPLE. I'M CARL NASSIB. I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A QUICK MOMENT TO SAY THAT I'M GAY. I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO THIS FOR A WHILE NOW, BUT I FINALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST. I JUST THINK THAT REPRESENTATION AND VISIBILITY ARE SO IMPORTANT. I ACTUALLY HOPE THAT, LIKE, ONE DAY, VIDEOS LIKE THIS AND THE WHOLE COMING OUT PROCESS ARE JUST NOT NECESSARY. BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA DO MY BEST AND DO MY PART TO CULTIVATE A CULTURE THAT'S ACCEPTING, THAT'S COMPASSIONATE. >> Stephen: BEAUTIFULLY SAID<i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> REALLY LOVELY. REALLY LOVELY. IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO HAVE A COMPASSIONATE CULTURE THAT VALUES ALL 300-POUND MEN PULVERIZING EACH OTHER'S SKULLS. ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, NOBODY SHOULD BE JUDGED BY WHO THEY LOVE. THEY SHOULD BE JUDGED BY THE LITTLE ANIMAL ON THE SIDE OF THEIR HELMET. I HATE THE TEAM WITH THE LITTLE BIRD, AND I LOVE THE TEAM WITH THE LITTLE PIRATE! GO, LITTLE PIRATES! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> LIKE I SAID, LIKE I SAID, THIS IS HISTORIC BECAUSE NASSIB IS THE FIRST OPENLY GAY, ACTIVE N.F.L. PLAYER-- OR, AS "SPORTSCENTER" CALLED HIM, THE FIRST "ACTIVELY GAY" N.F.L. PLAYER. <i> ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )</i> AFTER THAT-- A LITTLE DIFFERENT. THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT. ♪ ♪ ♪ AFTER THAT, I'M GUESSING ESPN'S GRAPHICS GUY IS "ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE WANDA SYKES AND JOURNALIST CRAIG MELVIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

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