O silêncio dos homens | Documentário completo

By the way my father raised us, he always said. . .

If we didn't do what he asked, he just beaten us. We didn't have a chance to seat with him and talk: "Dad, I'd like to talk to you". we didn't have this.

When he seated to talk he already had a stick in his hand. Put all the boys together, my brothers, to one beat the other. "You will cut a wood stick to beat in the one who did wrong".

So this it all came and repressed me until when I heard my wife say "I'm pregnant". Done with it, I'm gonna want to my son, only good things. I don't want what my father did to me.

I've been very aggressive with the women I've loved, with myself. For all that I've been locked inside me, all the violence I've done with my friends, with people that I've worked together. I thought that I was OK, but I didn't accepted my girlfriend to drive, I have to drive even if I was drunk.

I didn't accept when something I've said wasn't valued the way I thought it must be in the work environment. So I had a lot of theories and beliefs, about what I thought, a man should be. It's very common to hear or feel, that we need , as black men, in my case even with clear skin, to be better than the others to achieve something.

If you wasn't 10 times better than the white boy in your class, you won't even get closer the place he will get. So during a lot of time I've tried to aim in what I believed to be a better man, to just after that understand that my goal was to become a white man. It was be a man that I would never become.

To be a macho you must be virile, you have to compete. Real man have to be in the country, must breed cattle, must plow the land. The man goes to work, bring the food home and his wife stay at home doing the dishes, taking care of the children, cleaning the house.

God commanded this way! God's will how a man should behave, what is to be a woman, what is a family. You do God's will or you're in sin.

All these stereotypes, that I don't need help, that man doesn't cry, apparently are expressions of strength, power. . .

actually are great expressions of cowardice of fear, of scare. To be, explicitly and publicly, weak and vulnerable. To brake the silence, about your own weaknesses and vulnerability is a way humanize yourself.

The men, since very young, have to forge a masculine identity that is based in strength, without sensibility. It's like the emotional side, the affective part can't come up. And this create a straitjacket inside the masculine world.

Like if these men grown up with all these emotions locked up. And this explains to me why men need to compete all the time To risk their life all the time by honor, to prove that he is a man, to doesn't take an insult. These codes that we're living today in our society, are extremely frightening to the men.

Because men, kill himself and themselves. Not be able to identify your feelings, not be able to name what you're feeling, is one of the motives that pushes a lot of men to use the violence as a language. This language will overachieve it's relation, with him the other men, women, children.

. . Maybe it's not the most urgent one, but the biggest issue that hit most urgent things that we need to deal with it.

What does men hide behind these silence? To discuss masculinity is mandatory to open this box. 83% by homicides and accidents in Brazil has men as victims.

They live 7 years less than women and commit suicide 4 times more. 17% of them deal with some level of alcohol addiction. When they are victims of sexual abuse, they take 20 years until talk about with someone.

Almost 30% deal with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Men are 95% of the prison population in Brazil, and most part of these men are young , live in outer areas and in the absence of father-figure. Black men and LGBTs are much more afected by this.

In face of this scenario, only 3 in each 10 men, talk about their biggest fears and doubts with their friends. They suffer, but suffer silently and alone. Emotional openness is when you say "man I'm afraid of failure in my job","I'm afraid to loose my wife" or "my father is very sick and I don't know how to deal with him, I don't know what to talk about and I have a lot of things jammed here inside that I can't say".

This is emotional openness. And I don't need to do this crying or saying how poor I am. When you choose to talk about what is inside, you won't be less a man for this.

When a friend choose to do that, his father, his son, his brother, don't make fun of this, ask why he is talking about that, what does he feel? A problem that can came up when we talk about men silence, is think "well, the men are talking all the time, establishing themselves, interrupting women in everything their talking, they are in power places, how they are in silence? What I most hear is the man voice speaking".

Theres a difference between speak and reveal yourself for real. So when a man speaks verbally, he's hiding many layers of emotional depth that he has. He speaks to maintain an image.

The school has a very important role in this context about question or reinforce what is this masculinity. An example that I like, 'cause I've been a teacher in a daycare is: they leave the boys dirty, with a runny nose, delayed diaper change. Something that doesn't happen with the girls.

But with the boys we keep going. And with the babies and black boys, we put them in the end of the line. They are the last to be cared.

When this expression come from the boys, when they, for example begin to hug, we teach them fast to give a hand, tap in the shoulder, It's not in vain that is expected that the boys be active, dominant, controlling, in detriment of an inner life more decreased and controlled. Our sense of being part of collectives, is that the collective humanize us. So I learn to be a human being.

I can learn how to be a human being more affective or less affective through the experiences I live. Since early childhood, the boys grown up without see men caring. Only 2% of educators in this phase are men.

So it's natural to think that this is not for them and that's why they don't learn how to care themselves from each other and the environment around. The scholar performance of the boys has decreased in many developed countries. and also in Brazil.

They are giving up much more of school, joining less in college and win less diplomas. They seem to be much more alone and confused. 1 in each 4 men until 17 years affirm to feel always lonely.

and 37% of them never talked about anyone about what does it mean to be a man. Are we offering good references to the boys to express and understand their masculinity? It isn't everybody human beings?

Everybody doesn't have flesh, bone, feelings? Who said that a guy can't show his feelings. So this is the scene we will do.

We've started the Plano de Menina, specially with girls, but we discovered last year that was urgent talk with the boys too. And the girls brought this quest to us. The boys begun to be much more violent in the school because the girls were more aware, identify the racism, machismo, harassment.

We suffered before, because we didn't had the information. Now we too suffering 'cause we have much more information and it's been hard. My Gosh!

what a deception, a son who prefers volleyball than soccer. Where is that São Paulo shirt I gave you? Ah, I don't like soccer, I don't support any team.

Any team! Really? Nope.

What a shame, go to your room! We've insisted so much the boys had rounds of conversation. to be something that all of us grew together.

To girls and boys understand that this is not a war. We need to grow up as society, as a group. And I see today, specially with the Plane de Menino, that be a man is much more than, like women or have a male sexual organ, etc.

It's beyond that. I remember that in our first workshop we had a boy that today is one of our main multiplier in the school. In the workshops he joined to accompany his friends and make fun of them.

And when I saw, he was crying, very emotional, he was the boy most thrilled in the circle and all the time he said that he have to be like his father. And his father was too abusive, beat in his wife and in the middle of the workshop he discovered that he doesn't want to be that he doesn't want to be that person. We have this feedback from the principal, and from the girls, saying that the boys have changed a lot their behaviour.

All the harassment, stupid jokes just stopped, they began to respect the girls started do defend them. They did promote this transformation, they become our allies. So last year we started a movement with them the rounds of conversation to talk about sexuality.

They have a very strong identification, the way they treat women, as sexual objects and this is linked to the pornography on the internet. This generation has an easy access to bodies, to sex and all of this interferes in their vision of the other. The first contact with pornography, actually starts, to boys, at 8 or 9 years old, is to early.

So these boys go to sexual relation with a very distorted idea of what is this exchange between two people, at least. And the necessity of a good performance, penetration, doing well, and this doesn't really wok this way. Without talking about the great problem that is the addiction in pornography.

They tried recently, to do a research with young people, that made use of pornography and don't. They didn't conclude the research because they didn't find a group of young people that didn't make use of pornography. Today we're going to talk about advanced anatomy.

Our plan for today is to talk about the sexual ritual to a couple and also too an individual. The course that I present it calls Everything Your Dad Didn't Teach You, Sex and Sexuality, because I did a research with men and I realized that the men doesn't have this paternal figure, few of them have this reference from a mature man, with whom they can talk about. When I think about my father figure I feel difficult to remind moments in which we talked about sex this way.

Once he caught me jerking off and I felt very ashamed he took some time, came back, seated beside me in the bed and told me: "Son, normally this things we do about sex we can't do it right after have lunch, we can have a congestion". Thinking about that today, the most he could talk about sexuality in that moment. He gave me a key chain.

. . it has a condom inside and a phrase "in case of emergency brake the glass".

This was the epic moment talking about sex or masculinity with my father. The fact that a man have physical company, doesn't mean he has real intimacy. Intimacy happens when you express deep feelings of yours.

weaknesses, fears, apprehensions, doubts. You can spent years with a friend and never be really open to him. Because you keep yourself in a secure space of brotherhood and friendship about outer things and not inner things.

The toxic brotherhood and the health brotherhood is like this antagonism. For example, a guy come to a party and tell some intimacy for some friends something that happened with him, for example. "I went to have sex and I couldn't maintain an erection".

They'll make fun of him, but many of them have lived the same situation before, or living. And a health brotherhood? How would be?

"Hey man, this happens with me too, let's talk about it, what we can do? " It has to be friendly in a situation like that, but. .

. to a health brotherhood happen, men need to be more mature in their emotions, with his masculinity more relaxed. To welcome that doubt.

If everybody is insecure about "what to talk about it? " is better to mock the guy. 6 in 10 men affirm to deal with some level of emotional problems.

many of them not diagnosed, cause they avoid to find some help. The most common are: anxiety, depression, pornography addiction and insomnia. But other addiction, like alcohol, other drugs, food, bets and electronic games.

are much more present than we think. So the first question I'd like to throw in the circle is: Does it or doesn't exist a transformation movement happening today about men? In the last three, four or five years ago.

. . a circle like this wouldn't be possible.

So. . .

yes, it's happening. it isn't perfect yet, it didn't resolve the problems but if we think about the women, that are organized at least 100 years and didn't resolve their problems too, so we know that is something to come, but it does. To respond this and other questions, we realized a national research that listened more than 40.

000 men and women, from all ages, races, social classes and places. In addition, we mapped dozens of actions working with men and masculinities, from north to south in Brazil. And we went personally know some of them.

Homens em Conexão is a work of men reunion, these men groups we have in Brazil. My history is like the history of many men like that. From a model of masculinity, sexist, with I didn't identify myself anymore.

With the lack of reference and other possibilities about being a man and this internal conflict like how to belong to this masculine world, as I don't identify myself. So be in this spaces, with these other men, with this masculine plurality this sense of belonging like *uhhh*, who I am is good too. This is priceless.

it's a meeting that I've waited for 30, 40 years, a meeting to discuss what is, how we are being men in our community. With us, with the women and society. Is the group I've wanted to know 30 years ago.

I imagine what will be the next 30 years of these guys. For me, these meeting and these work with these men is something that I almost hadn't a choice of not participate. It just happens, it calls me, it feeds me in a level that I can't explain, but it is so clear every time I participate.

I think that the men must understand themselves in their own place and know how to understand himself after that, know their place. And sometimes is a moment to step back, a moment to listen to, to open space to other people. So what does this mean in a work environment?

What does this mean in my home? They're not invited or being pushed to think because an apple had fallen in their head and they understand that is a time to change. No, there was a change in the society and this produced difficulties to men.

So these new masculinities, are producing and being pushed by the women movement. Forget the role, walk around the room, contemplate each other with the eyes. Don't need to touch no one or grab anyone now.

Contemplate the other with the eyes, walk around freely. Well, the hardest group dynamic I've been working in these classes, is the kiss dynamic. I have a moment to walk around the room and than I close a circle and then I order: I'm gonna make an act and I want that this act run around and turn back to me.

Back to the normal circle, let's try to get close of each other, the way we are here. I'm gonna make an act now and this act will run in the group and will turn back to me, ok? Is easy when reach the girls, but when reach the place where it has a group of men together.

There's some resistance. Some of them, put the hand in front of , to kiss a hand, some give a kiss in the head. some can't give a kiss.

In one of these latest groups, in the middle of the dynamic, a guy started to cry. He went to drink some water and when we finished he came back to make a reflection And I asked him why during the dynamic, he was so moved, he looked to the circle, look to me and said: "Teacher, I've never had the courage to give a hug and a kiss in my father. Because in my home, who was taught to hug and kiss, was my sister with my mother.

And with my father I couldn't do this". Work this equity here inside the SERTA course, is to make possible these people to realize some things that they didn't or didn't had the opportunity to realize outside. Good evening people!

It's a pleasure to have you here, so we can talk about things relative to masculine universe about what we've been lived, about what we live, and so on And probably about things that maybe we never talked about with anyone or clearly talked about with other people. The yesterday group was excellent, I liked a lot and I hope that we continue this group, this knowledge. Because at first, we find ourselves, that part that is hidden inside of us, that can expanse, came up The yesterday circle was that, it was get out of the darkness.

The history, made up itself like the country men was an untouchable being, that has to be that example of strong men. A hard man, the man who doesn't cry, but when we live this methodology of formation, we begin to understand another context. The man, starts to understand himself in another way.

Rethink masculinity come from rethink what is our care with each other. I gave an example, some time ago, in a group of black fathers, in each the guys were, complaining about their partners them I asked a question Ok, your daughter is 5 years old, isn't? Yeah, 5 years.

Do you know how many panties does she has in her drawer? So he asked: "What's the importance of this question? " Anybody must to know.

When I do these questions, I asked myself too. 'Cause I saw myself in that position too: "I don't know how many panties my daughter has in her drawer". You are throwing this load to another person.

And then a question that I asked: Why doesn't anyone get prepared to paternity? 'Cause it seems will came down a light from heaven when the child was born and will light ourselves. and we: *ohhh*.

After that moment you are a father. But the love it isn't build from an hour to other, a relation it isn't build from a time to another. To take care of a child you need to connect in an emotional level and for that you need to be aware of emotions, that you as a man, was never allowed.

Be aware of the future, that brings you a responsibility. Not only get out with your son but think in time, in food. .

. It's part of the man the matter of doesn't care. The man is careless of himself, and been this way, it's hard to take care of somebody.

Most men affirm to have his father as reference of masculinity. But only 1 in 10 have talked with him about what does it mean to be a man. In our research, we found out how much men agreed been taught every one of the beliefs that follows: during childhood and adolescence.

Being successful. Don't behave or have manners that seems feminine. Be physically strong.

Be responsible for family financial support. Don't express emotions. Hit over women whenever is possible.

And only 2 in 10 men said have had practical examples on how to deal with their emotions. Why fathers and sons has so much difficult to talk about the pressure they face as men? How fathers can be more present, emotionally open and affectionate?

The course Gestação e Parto para Homens, and this name causes a strangeness How, pregnancy and childbirth to men? ! Men doesn't give birth.

But thats the motive. How ? I bring some knowledge about woman physiology, the transformation What really happen with that woman during pregnancy.

Make this man prepared to childbirth. The objective is sensitize, to bring some knowledge and bring reciprocity to this couple. I think that the main pillar of paternity have changed a lot.

Anciently we based ourselves in three Ps, if I can talk this way. Daddy, daddy, you said pillar. Pillar, that's true, is that what it is, that is a pillar.

it has something over it. So, anciently we had 3 main pillars. Protection, procreation and provision.

This transformation in an active paternity is to leave behind some simple protection e go direct to care. So it isn't a father that come and resolve. Now we have a father that take care, not a father occasionally present, but present, not with a passive behavior.

Before anything, reflect about yourself, what does it mean be a man? What are my paternal references? And think, what I want to reproduce?

Is a real study, engagement. Because without knowledge we won't have empathy. And than want to take a picture kissing wife's belly, to others say he is a great daddy.

And if necessary impose yourself: I didn't like it what you've said, bro. Oh, he's a pawn. What are you talking about?

Because I'm going to taking care of my wife and son? Am I a pawn? What would you do?

So this is questioning too, and for that you need to be brave. If you have a father always with you, that helps you, present, you are privileged indeed. I see that it's not only me, there's a lot of people in need of a father figure.

In our clan, specially among the MCs and the young people we have some jokes like: "oh man, you have a father, so you are rich, rich, rich. . .

" So when have a father has money. There one of the boys, he is a funny guy, he's gay, Dudu. He always make a joke when he needs something, when he needs a cellphone he takes my instagram and says: "people, my cellphone is like my father, I haven't.

I need a cellphone". I think that we start to have options to show the kids what is to be a nice guy, encouraging nice men to lead. The Lá da Favelinha is a independent cultural center self-managed by the residents in the community.

We have 16 weekly workshops, all volunteered. We had a shop, to make some money for the lunch, than I took some clothes from there, I've created some looks with clothes I already have and put the people to parade. Than was born the Favelinha Fashion Week.

I realized that was almost obvious what happen, that young ones students from public school and when they reached 12 or 13 years old, there was this problem of drug dealing. And when there wasn't this problem and he wanted to work, we only have underemployment And then I started to think about that, until than we only have to be diarist, cleaner, driver. If you want to be bricklayer, now I see, you'll be the best, you know?

We're going to do everything to you be the best bricklayer, but it has to be your dream, not because it's what's left, because you wanted to be an astronaut instead. If you want to be an astronaut, you'll be astronaut. Kdu is very open minded, he is a person, whom it doesn't care if is man, a woman, a gay.

. . He hugs, greets and play with everyone, like everyone were what they should be.

. . the same.

This is so interesting, I learned a lot about diversity and respect others opinion, accept the other's way, with this interaction So it doesn't exit this pattern of right or wrong. Here in the Favelinha we have a very strong support network. So I'm much more than this bro that "oh we're great friends" and when you suffers, "oh, no time brother".

We have to care of this other side too, all this interaction make us build this support network and where we go is a reflex of us, "I love you, I'm your bro and we won't stay together only until the page 2, lets write the whole story, lets read together, draw together, diagram together and together", This existential category of man, with capital M, is a category of white man. This is the man. When we talk about the man figure, what we expect from the man, what we think about him, this is the man, the ideal one.

The black man never will be the ideal man. It's not in vain that the famous sentence of Frantz Fanon: "The black man it is not a man". Tells a lot about our condition, the condition that before everything you are a black man.

And this black man will always be after the injury, despite of what he can do to overcome his blackness. And we try yo make up ourselves to get closer of the white man. To understand myself, I have to understand my father's question and to understand that, it was funny, if you want to destroy the masculinity of the black boy you tell that he's like his father.

But not by the good way, the bad way. "You are like your father". A lot of black boys listen to that.

Be a black boy is to have a place where this country it doesn't want to take care of this black boy, it doesn't want to care this whole black population. We need to make this black boys survive, 'cause I have a black son. 8 years old, his name is Jorge.

In a moment he will come home after 12, 13 years old that police approach began, crying and he will say: :"Daddy, I had a police a approach and it was hard". The same way they did with me, because i was naive. When I had my first police approach how I came home?

I dind't know what was that. and this happened. And at the same time, I had white friend that said me "man, I never had a police approach".

And I said: "What? ". "I never had a police approach".

"How, man? ". "Never had a police approach?

". Than we get familiarized with something that shouldn't be usual. But no doubt that some experiences are not one-off problems.

like, the first police approach that I took in my 2004 birthday. I'll never forget, a gun in my head, I was leaving from a show, going to a friend's home that had birthday the same day I was. What it hurts is to understand, that I have a place that it doesn't matter who I am, the more studied I am, how handsome I am, how well dressed I am, how perfumed I am, how nice I am, this come right before me.

This come right before me. So we can blindly think that put right the violence about the black man and never look to the real motives that built that violent environment that encloses the black men, that kills a black man each 23 minutes. We can't talk about black masculinity and don't talk about violence.

Than we realize that the racism is a very well prepared structure, because that make you suffer racism and it asks you to won't be black. Do your best to be in our system, but I'll try to break you down because your black. All this media space to make you white, makes us incapable of rebuild ourselves, with many difficulties to rebuild a notion of people.

Because the TV won't tell us who was Malcolm X, who was Steve Biko. We have a reference of masculinity, we're living in a time where the black man shouts us in many ways to perceive this references. When we talk about brake the men silence, when you talk about the white men silence, who silenced the white man?

Does the black man has any silence to be broken? Of course it does! If you ask this to a black man.

Without speak of the bodies popping up everywhere. It's serious bro, tonight I'm gonna stay away. I'll silence my sing, while my tears doesn't take up this feeling from that fuck killing me.

But look, I've learned to be false with who is false in return, you know I got an advantage, they think that I don't lie and believe in their untruth. But I follow my conviction in sacred observation, unbeaten by my demons whom ask me to be cynical. The transformation of the black men in the rounds of conversation is visible, who never been there, starts to understand that the first thing he finds is affection among black men.

Shit, this exist. We are here now, particularly for me, by the black boy that will look for something on YouTube, sometimes not even about masculinity and he'll find this video. and isn't there a black man replicating a speak of white masculinity.

There is a black man who knows where is this place, criticizes this place and want to build places of empowerment to this black people. Live in fear is almost a pattern to anyone living as minority. The woman, that doesn't get out afraid of harassment, the gay afraid of violence, a black man in the street that someone think that he is a robber.

Transsexuals dies not because of other transsexuals, they die because of this social culture about being a man, a woman. . .

this is what kill us. This anger, this hate kills the transsexual people. That violence against the gays, against lesbians, against women, this is what violate society.

When I put myself as a man in the society, this society charges a posture of a man. They charge me "you can't cry" and this is very common among transsexual men that when they start to assume masculine roles in society, they speak: one thing that I realized I didn't do anymore when I became a masculine man was stop to cry. I feel myself forced to follow a pattern to be accepted as a man.

I think that every man, independent of been straight, gay, bi. . .

the first offense heard in school, as a child is faggot. You doesn't even know what faggot means, but you learn that this is bad. When you found yourself "faggot", you realize yourself as a gay man, you try to hide that, you deny that to yourself, because you learn that this is wrong in a phase you're building all your values.

This is so bad because have to unlearn a lot about what was already formed to be yourself, to get out, to tell some people and teach others that this isn't wrong, it demands a big effort. If you ask to the church what is a relation between masculine and feminine, is a heterosexual relation, unbreakable, monogamous, faithful until death, to generate children. But we're living in a time that all this multiform expressions, of personal identity and relation identity, are inside the church, likes it or not, is there.

and the church need to learn how to deal with that. Maybe a lot of people think about the deconstruction of this values like we're destroying society. A lot of people who says that who is questioning these values wants to destroy the family want to destroy the tradition.

Of course not, there are some people, that doesn't match to this, and they do have the right to exist. The church need to understand the Gospel newness and this is one of my regrets this violent excluding church. This church doesn't understood God's grace yet, it still remains in the law of God.

It does want to control the world by the law. The best example to this is when a woman is caught in adultery is brought to Jesus. And the religion people from that time say: the law says to stone the adultery woman.

Jesus says: stone, is in the law? After a standoff Jesus said: whoever is without sin, cast the first stone. What does Jesus is teaching us?

We can't build a society with law, we build a society with grace, love and forgiveness. I think that there is a very strong relation between the pain that a man feels and the pain he inflicts. The honor crimes are associated to masculinity, the rapes are associated to masculinity.

71% of deaths, of feminicides, were committed by the ex or the actual partner. 71%. This is the level of masculinity, this is the level of pain caused by a misconception about what should be a man.

All the silence you keep inside yourself form. . .

powerful emotions and in a moment you can explode and maybe this explosion aren't good. At 28 years old another woman got pregnant and I was in the abstinence syndrome, we started a fight , I was already married. And in the middle of that discussion I attacked her physically.

But before that, the psychological aggression happened daily. I think that every woman has a story about violence to tell, every woman has lots of stories of violence to tell. Violence that happened at home, violence that happened in work environment, violence happened in other places.

Practically 60% of this cases happens when the woman want to divorce or want to broke up and he doesn't accept. And unfortunately his way to react to that is with violence. Of course that we going to talk about woman, empower the feminine and the protection and assistance to that woman victim of violence.

I devote my days to this. But, we have to talk about the other side of violence. Who's the man attacking that woman?

Why he is attacking that woman? How can we prevent this? All the feminicide cases come in a row of violence.

If you, in some way can prevent that man in this row , this loop you can prevent the death of a woman. And with research, knowing other projects, inspired in other experiences I create the Tempo de Despertar. The Tempo de Despertar, is a project of a reflexive men group, authors of violence where they discuss social roles, relations between man and woman, to promote consciousness, about what they think or not and about what they can do to minimize the violence.

I received a subpoena, I didn't know what about , and I went to the forum to find out, and were about these meetings. I was revolted. I said: I don't have to be here, I don't have relations with the person I attacked, I don't do drugs anymore, I don't have any problem anymore.

These meetings, happen each 15 days. I went to the first one, didn't like it, left there revolted. But well, I went to the second.

. . In the third meeting, at the end, I had the opportunity to expose my case.

I talked with the staff people and then I said: I have a lot of things to change. There's a lot of things to learn here. I started to attend, more determined.

As they happen every 15 days, alternating the weeks. In the week that doesn't have I begin to miss the project. When it finished, in December.

In January, I was there again, 'cause I wanted some more. How many men goes to a psychologist. They keep everything inside, without any help and when all of this come up it will come up in violence or drug abuse.

Or alcohol abuse. All of this, come with a mix of feelings that it reveals aggressive behavior against the first person that is there, and that he knows, by a historical cultural construction and the lack of a rigid law, he can attack, rape, without nothing happening to him. So this must be changed, he need to understand that this doesn't fix his problem.

There was the women victim of violence, and this is important to tell, who found a way to work with their offenders. "Talk with him". "Prosecutor, ask him to come here".

Now I can treat my partner with the respect that she deserves. I know that I won't be less man because I'm cleaning the house or doing the dishes or because I'm cooking. I know that I'm helping her, I live the same.

. . I live there.

. . it's not that I'm helping her, I live there, the responsibility is mine too.

So, I'm very grateful to the project Because I think that I won't be even free of addiction if wasn't them to change my behavior. We were successful in minimize the reoccurrence, with the reflexive men groups, that were 65% recidivist, to how much? 2%.

The result. . .

almost none of these men committed violent acts against their women. But in a social point of view, subjective. The greatest result is, this man came back to me, and say: "Prosecutor Gabriela, I don't commit violence against woman anymore, but there are something that helped me, I could look to my children and say I love you".

"I can participate of a group to treat my alcoholism, I have more friends in my job". To me is the most expressive result of these reflexive men groups, showing that There is a possibility, is effective and these men can wake up to a new life. What the perception of the women about the men progress?

50% of women agree, in some level, that the men are behaving less sexist in the latest years. And 65% of that women affirm that the men are fathers much more participative. Meanwhile, 54% believe that they didn't understand yet that they deserve the same rights and opportunities.

And only 28% of women think that men are less harasser But are they confronting their male friends? 6 in each 10 men affirm leaved behind at least one sexist or homophobic attitude showed by other person. And 5 in each 10 men until 17 years affirm to confront their friends frequently.

In other words, many of us seem to gave the first step toward the change, what is great, but there are many other steps ahead. Still today we see gender questions like things aside from men, But what I see in movement is exactly this recognition that we too need, always aligned to the women, look to our questions and realize the we have such responsibilities. Thats the way I realize this movement happening.

So when a man see yourself as sexist and starts to questioning that, it's not only a rational question, it has a very strong emotional part, it's about him in the dark, lost, without knowing who he is in fact. So until he finds a new identity, secure, comforting, that can bring him some benefits, he won't leave his other identity, familiar, that he lived until that moment. I'm a sexist, I was born and raised in a sexist society.

I educate myself through relationships, through talks to be less sexist that I can. But when someone told me that I am sexist, I don't need to be aggressive thinking: "But I'm not sexist 99% of time and you will talk about this single time I was? ".

Yes, will talk about this single time you were sexist. The same way, if someone talk about the single time you were sexist, listen to. For example, in a heterosexual relation, the division of the tasks inside a home.

Because this is a demonstration of consciousness of place and respect to other, the time of the other. I think this like a practical thing, easy to do. You don't have to read a book, you don't have to do an immersion, you don't have to do anything.

Is something like, go there, face the dishes, it's very simple. Go to the market, see if in the refrigerator is missing something, do the laundry. It can't be a responsibility of women to educate the men.

Now you have to be this way! No, wait, do you think that is working fine this way? Do you think that is good to be this way?

If you start to think that isn't good to be this way, why don't you talk with your friend , that it isn't fine that he is doing? I think extremely important, the men talking each other for a to obvious reason, we don't learned to talk. Talk to another man can be the beginning to he open himself and talk to everybody, interact with the world in other way.

It's by the discomfort and by the welcoming of this discomfort that we can generate this transformation. How to do that? Being submitted , being available to this discomfort.

Many times they say that want to change, say that want to be part of these groups, but never goes beyond page 1. That is see yourself, recognize yourself, be responsible in relation to the things you do, you think, you decide. So, I think that to create a group like that people must be ready to deal with the discomfort.

And of course, with the responsibility of listen. So we have a fundamental role in this debate, once we are the protagonist of violence, we kill ourselves much more, we commit violence in a general manner, much more than any other person. I think that the groups of men meeting actually is important, mainly for being a space of health brotherhood.

When there are more than two and not there to bullying with each other. they are there to reveal vulnerability. So it creates a field, a incredible space.

So, it's important to have more groups meeting, more space. I receive messages from men of other cities talking: "How can I do to talk, I don't have anyone to talk". So create a group of men is a very simple thing.

It passes by the inconvenience and the disposition. I'll invite friends that I feel that have the same question. We going to seat in a circle and ask good questions.

Ask what fears, obstacles and embarrassments we have. We going to respond with sincerity, in first person. The talking is not to theorize, is not talking about men, about society, about Brazil.

It is: I feel, I live, I have this obstacle, I have this joy, this dream. So I think that the benefits are small individual transformations that after became small social transformations in groups of friends. And once you've changed your behavior, you can't go back, isn't?

Once you can listen to, more you learn to be more quiet. Once you learn to be more empathetic, you put this in movement. And suddenly, you already are a different man than before, not only 5, 4 years, but sometimes different than what you were last time you argued with someone last week.

If we go back 20 years, we see the appear of Noos institute, Promundo institute, it has the Benedito Medrado, Jorge Lira, Marcos Nascimento, amazing people looking to that. We see the movement Guerreiros do Coração and what we see is that in the last two years. it had a boom, specially last 12 months.

It has initiatives coming up the whole Brazil, from north to south. Initiatives more spiritual, more physical, more political, that work with the race, paternity, it has a lot of ways. All men, myself as a man, need to assume responsibility .

For what I do of bad and destructive, with myself, with other men and with the women. For me this is the possible movement, doesn't matter what perspective. Brake the silence and talk among us is an excellent first step.

However, only 1 in each 10 men have been in these groups. The good news is that 61% of them affirm like to join to some group. Every time more initiatives are coming up across the country, but the total volume is small yet.

We need more men ready to create and be caretakers of these spaces of transformation. Our dream is that at least one city of the country can have at least one group. This is a movement of courage, to assume responsibility, courage to listen to the women, courage to open our hearts, be vulnerable and help each other to construct better lives.

It's not a movement of virtuous and good men, much less "new men", it's a movement of common men, like you and I. Get to work?