Former FBI Agent Breaks Down Body Language Pet Peeves | WIRED

- What is it with guys that sit down and just spread their legs like they own the place? All I can say is this: their mothers and fathers didn't have a conversation with them. [calm instrumental music] Universally, you hear about them, common pet peeves that have to do with body language.

[calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Staring. What we call staring here in the United States may not be considered staring in other cultures. For instance, in New York City, we're allowed to stare at each other for about 1.

28 seconds. [image dinging] That's been measured; it's been well studied. But in the Middle East that may be extended to anywhere from four to six seconds.

[image dinging] And so, what you have to realize is culture is very much dominant in how long we can look at each other, and not just that, but where we can look at each other. We say that in a business setting, you should be looking at this little triangle between the eyes down to the mouth, and in a social setting that you can descend all the way down to below the chin. But certainly in a business setting, you are not permitted to go as low as the breast area.

[calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Pacing. Some people are pacers, you know, waiting for the baby to be born, or they're waiting for the next flight, and they are moving back and forth. What happens is the fluid inside our ears, as we move, those little hairs that are inside are sensitive to the movement of that fluid.

And this is why we rock a baby to sleep. That rocking motion is in transferred as adults into walking behaviors, and under stress that helps us to calm down. One of the things that happens when we pace is that we compel the feet to touch a surface over and over again.

That in and of itself creates a form of novelty. The gastroc muscles of the legs, the calf muscle, is also known as the second heart. When it squeezes, it's forcing blood up.

This is beneficial for thinking because now you have both the real heart and the secondary heart both working together to force that blood upward. So there are actually some benefits to this, and a lot of creative people find themselves pacing because it contributes to that process. [letters clicking] The bad handshake.

The weak one, the wet one, the one where the person pulls you forward then pushes you back, the one where they feel they need to twist your hand jujitsu style so their hand is on top because they read this somewhere. - Hold out your hands! [crowd cheering] - Why do humans even shake hands?

We shake hands because we're primates. All primates approach each other and touch each other first by reaching out and touching their fingers together. I remember years ago somebody saying, "Oh, we shake hands because we wanna demonstrate "that we don't have a weapon.

" Folks, weapons were so big back then you could see it over the horizon. That's not the reason. We're primates.

Our brains evolved so that we would retain negativity so that we don't have to learn each morning not to touch the hot stove. So when you shake that hand and it's wet or you feel like it's grabbing you in some strange way, this registers in your brain for not months and weeks, it registers with you potentially for years. And that's the problem with doing it wrong.

The perfect handshake is your fingers are down, you squeeze at the same level as the other person does, you do a quick shake and that's it. [calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] The close talker. All of us have different spacial needs.

Now, some of it comes to us from culture. So, New Yorkers will stand closer to each other than, let's say, someone from the Midwest. But it can also be personal.

I come from a culture where we like to stand close together, but personally, I like to keep people three or four feet away. So one of the ways to avoid violating space, which makes people uncomfortable, causes psychological discomfort, is to, when you first shake hands, you reach in and you shake the hand. And rather than just remaining there, take a little step backward and assess what the other person does.

And one of the things you'll find is if both of you take a step back, then both of you need that little bit of extra space. If the person moves towards you, then perhaps they come from a culture or they have a preference for standing closer. And in that case, what you may wanna do is just angle your body a little bit so you don't feel like they're as close to you as they may be.

[calm instrumental music] [letter clicking] Touch phobia. There's just some people that have this habit of they've gotta touch. They gotta touch your arm, they gotta touch your shoulder as they're talking to you, they squeeze you to emphasize, and so forth.

And let's face it, some people just don't wanna be touched. For some people, touching is comforting. It's how they make sure that someone is paying attention to them, it's what they use to emphasize, and it's very convenient.

Obviously, if you grow up in a big family and you wanna reach brother and say, "Hey, I'm talking to you. " You just have to remember that not everybody appreciates it. [calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Manspreading.

Basically, you're entitled to the little area around you, your hips, plus about one to two inches on each side. And that's really by social convention what you're entitled to. Humans, by their very nature, when they feel strong, they feel confident, they will tend to spread out.

We're probably not even thinking that we're doing these behaviors, but we do them. The problem, of course, is when it infringes on other people. [calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Verbal tics.

[clearing throat] The clearing of the voice, just like I did. Oftentimes you hear this with people who are about to say something that they're gonna have difficulty with. [clearing throat] Would you like to sit down?

I have something to discuss with you. It's never good. For instance, for years watching Robert Gates, who became secretary of defense, who also became the head of the CIA, and sometimes he would be asked a question that obviously he could not answer, like, "When are we going to invade?

" And I always found that interesting that he always cleared his throat before he answered those questions. - [clearing throat] But basically I think at- - This is what we call paralanguage, the hum, the coughs, the uh, you know. - [clearing throat] Excuse me.

- Vocal tics, just like a muscular tic, is the body's way of creating psychological comfort in some way. And I think it's just a matter of checking ourselves and saying, "Is this a distraction? " One of the easiest things that you can do is just videotape yourself while you're doing five minutes, 10 minutes of a speech and have somebody look at it and correct you and say, "You know, you keep looking down "or you keep clearing your throat.

" We all have these things. It's not about perfection. It's about improving whatever we have.

And if it's these little things, these are easy to work on. [calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Eye rolling. To roll your eyes is to show both contempt and disdain.

Disdain is tolerable but contempt isn't because contempt is always hierarchal. You're putting somebody ahead and somebody down, and that's just not acceptable. [calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Foot tapping, finger tapping, pencil tapping.

Anything like finger tapping, pencil tapping, or leg bouncing, it really helps us to pass the time. It helps us to deal with any situation in the moment where maybe things have slowed down, we're waiting, and so we use these repetitive behaviors to self-sooth. Why are repetitive behaviors so soothing?

Our brain always needs to be pacified. Even as embryos, we suck our thumbs. Repetitive behaviors by compressing and releasing the muscle or articulating the joint causes signals to go to the brain that serve to calm us into soothness.

[calm instrumental music] [letters clicking] Why do we have pet peeves? And why is it that some things that I like other people don't like? Our species is very complex.

The human brain is the most complex thing in all of the cosmos. And we have preferences. And if you don't believe me, just walk down the aisle and see how many kinds of toothpastes there are.

We are very specific as to the most minute of things that we prefer. When we see something that is outside that envelope of preference then it becomes an irritant, which is both social, cultural, and personal.