Resilience vs. Reactivity: How to Take Control of Your Emotions

Have you ever snapped at someone and immediately regretted it? Or maybe you sent an angry e-mail in the heat of the moment, only to wish you could unsend it seconds later? We've all been there.

But what if I told you you could learn to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively? I'm Doctor Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist, and I make mental health education videos to help you strengthen your mind, fortify your brain, and build resilience. Today, we're going to talk about the difference between being reactive and being resilient.

And I'll give you practical tools to shift from one to the other. Think of your brain as having two modes of operation: reactive and resilient. The reactive brain is like a smoke alarm that goes off at the slightest hint of burning toast.

It's quick to respond, but not always accurate. The resilient brain, on the other hand, is like a skilled fire marshal who can assess the situation and respond appropriately. Let's look at what's happening in your brain during these two different states.

When you're in your reactive mode, your amygdala—your brain's alarm system— takes control. It floods your body with stress hormones and basically bypasses your rational thinking centers. This is why you might say or do things in the heat of the moment that don't reflect your true values or intentions.

On the flip side, when you're operating from a resilient brain, your prefrontal cortex stays online. This is the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking, planning, and emotional regulation. The prefrontal cortex helps you pause, assess the situation, and choose a response rather than just reacting.

The key to shifting from "reactive" to "resilient" lies in understanding your emotional triggers. A trigger is anything that sparks an immediate, intense emotional reaction. It could be someone's words, a particular situation, or even a tone of voice that sets you off.

These triggers often have deep roots in your past experiences, which is why they can feel so powerful. How do you know when you're being triggered? Your body will usually tell you first, and you might notice several things: your heart racing, your muscles tensing, your breathing getting shallower, a sensation of heat rising in your face and a knot in your stomach.

These physical sensations often happen before you're consciously aware that you're getting upset. Learning to recognize these early warning signs gives you a chance to pause before you react. This is where the PAUSE method comes in.

It's a practical framework that can help you shift from reactive to resilient responses. Let me break it down for you. P stands for Pause and notice.

As soon as you recognize those physical signs of triggering, take a literal pause. This could be as simple as taking a deep breath or counting to three. A is for Acknowledge what's happening.

Name the emotion. What are you feeling? Are you angry?

Hurt? Scared? Just saying to yourself, "I feel angry right now," can help create some distance between you and the emotion.

U stands for Understand your reaction. What about this situation is triggering you? Sometimes the real trigger isn't the current situation, but something from your past that it reminds you of.

S is for Select a response. Now that you've created some space between the trigger and your reaction, you can choose how to respond. What would your wisest self do in this situation?

And E stands for Engage mindfully. Take action based on your values and the outcome you want, not just your immediate emotional impulse. Let's look at an example of this.

Imagine you're in a meeting and a colleague takes credit for your idea. Your reactive brain might immediately want to call them out in front of everyone, but using the PAUSE method, it might look like this: P: You notice your face is getting hot or your jaw is clenching. A: You acknowledge, "I'm feeling angry and disrespected right now.

" U: You understand this triggers old feelings of not feeling valued by other people. S: You select a response that's professional but assertive. E: You decide to address it privately with your colleague after the meeting.

Now, implementing this method takes practice. You won't get it perfect every time, and that's okay. Start with situations that are just mildly triggering rather than trying to tackle your biggest emotional reactions right away.

Here are some common pitfalls to watch out for. Such as trying to use this method when you're already extremely triggered, or expecting never to feel reactive emotions, or beating yourself up when you don't respond perfectly. If you're finding it difficult to identify and label your emotions during the PAUSE method, I have something that can help.

My Essential Tools Card Deck includes emotion identification cards that can help you accurately name what you're feeling, along with cognitive distortion cards that help you reframe unhelpful thought patterns. Sometimes when we're triggered, it's hard to think clearly about what we're feeling or how to shift perspectives. And having these cards handy can give you concrete tools to work through the PAUSE steps.

Cards 19 through 24 specifically help with emotional labeling, which is central to the Acknowledge step. You can find these cards at MentalWellnessSpace. Store or through the link attached to this video.

Remember, the goal isn't to never feel triggered. That's not realistic or even desirable, because we're built to have emotions. The goal is to build your capacity to respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically.

You might be wondering, how long does it take to build this kind of emotional resilience? Of course, everyone's journey is different, but you can start noticing small improvements within a few weeks of consistent practice. The key words here are "consistent practice".

Just like building physical strength, building emotional resilience requires regular exercise. Start small. Choose one typically triggering situation in your life and practice using the PAUSE method for just that one trigger.

And then as you get more comfortable, you can expand to other situations. In our next video, we'll discuss specific breathing techniques that you can use to help you stay regulated in triggering situations. But for now, I encourage you to try the PAUSE method the next time you feel yourself getting triggered.

Every time you pause, instead of reacting immediately, you're building new neural pathways that support resilience. Thanks for watching today. If you found this helpful, please be sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so that you don't miss the next video on breathing techniques for emotional regulation.

See you next time!