Why dating advice is terrible: half right is all wrong

I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx Better Living Through psychology and the topic of today's short talk is why dating advice is terrible the fact of the matter is that most dating advice isn't worth the paper that it's printed on much of it can sound good and plausible but that is often because separated in the moment of consumption from the realities of the sexual Marketplace it describes how people would like dating to be or how people believe dating should be the reality of course is neither it is what it is and the more people

can move in the direction of accepting that reality as painful and difficult as it might be the more success they will eventually have in their relationships in my opinion even the best of the most popular dating advice only ever gets it half right and there's actually a very simple reason why this is the case as I discuss in my book the fundamental principle in the game of mating and dating is that everyone is attempting to get and keep their perceived best option if this is true then the perception perceived of value best option is at

the heart of all human relationships and this means that relationships always have two two components perception which is psychological and value which is economic the most popular dating advice tends to fail because it approaches dating as if it's either one or the other that is either it's all psychological and so relationship problems can be solved entirely by psychological means or it's all economic and so relationship problems can be solved entirely by economic means in reality relationships are both and any model that focuses on one without the other is doomed to failure let's discuss what that

might look like by far the overwhelming majority of daing advice fails because it focuses exclusively on the psychological and completely avoids the economic this advice fundamentally assumes that all relationship issues can either be addressed INTC cych that is within the minds of the individuals in question or interpersonally that is within the dynamic of the couple in question you'll recognize this immediately when I give you some examples dating advice that focuses on intra psychic components holds out the promise that the main thing standing between most people and the relationships they want is their unhealed emotional wounding

from childhood or their inability to love themselves or their lack of awareness into the Dynamics of their family of origin or their lingering Trauma from previous relationships or their tendency to self-sabotage or their low self-worth that leads them to accept less than they deserve or a lack of appreciation for their attachment Styles etc etc etc like I could go on and on this perspective is a symptom of the therapize which believes that most or even all problems can be solved by therapy introspection and self-awareness they can't this perspective has some validity but it has become

narcissistic in its overextension it may be difficult to hear but a person could be the most psychologically stable emotionally intelligent securely attached individual on the planet and if he or she is unattractive it will be difficult for that person to get and keep a relationship men don't think damn look at the size of that woman's assertiveness oh got to get a piece of that and women don't men because they are emotionally available like these are not the attributes that the other side rewards in the sexual Marketplace Don't Kill the Messenger believing that this shouldn't be

the case is pointless it is what it is what's more a lot of this dating advice focuses on the interpersonal Dimension the dynamic that exists between the individuals in question this perspective holds out the promise that the main thing standing between most people and the relationships they want is their inability to communicate or their unwillingness to compromise or their lack of appreciation for the others love language or their resistance to emotional vulnerability or their poor boundaries or their reluctance to argue etc etc etc I could go on and on this perspective is flawed because it

intellectually isol the couple from the larger context in which it is embedded it isn't this perspective has some validity but it ignores the fact that relationships do not occur in a vacuum rather they always exist even if you are married even if you are soulmates in the context of the overarching sexual Marketplace it may be difficult to hear but a person could be the most empathic Communicator the most conscientious partner and the most differential lover and if a better option exists it will be difficult for this person to get and keep a relationship if you

cannot beat out your intersexual competition it's less likely that you will be selected for a relationship and it's less likely that you will retain any relationship for which you were selected believing that this shouldn't be the case is pointless it is what it is if you appreciate the insights on this channel I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book the value of others over the course of 432 pages I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game

of mating and dating I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual Marketplace once you read the value of others you'll never look at relationships the same way again now available in ebook audiobook and paperback formats the links are in the description now the other side of this problem is dating advice that exclusively focuses on the economic and ignores the psychological this is definitely a smaller proportion of the circulating advice but it exists nonetheless you'll recognize this immediately when I give you some

examples dating advice that focuses on economic components holds out the promise that the main thing standing between most people and the relationship they want is their body mass index or their fashion sense or their bank accounts or their game or their social status or their height or their curves etc etc etc I could go on and on this perspective fails because it assumes that everything about relationships depends not only on sexual Marketplace value but on essence smv in its most standardized and imp personal sense namely normalized sexual Marketplace value it doesn't though to be honest

it does matter more than we would collectively like to admit smv is not the whole story but it is absolutely the case that more attractive people are more frequently selected for relationships negotiate more favorable terms for themselves in those relationships and retain their relationships more successfully against their inter seexual competition like relationships are easier if you are attractive and everyone can be more attracted than they currently are so this component is ignored and vilified at people's own risk that said relationships absolutely don't turn on the fulcrum of attractiveness a rich handsome arrogant man and a

beautiful sexy entitled woman are both very difficult to date like all the benefits they provide might be completely nullified by their toxic personalities and sociopathic tendencies however For Better or For Worse people will still try to date them and people will still try to make it work with them and they will try longer and harder to make it work with them before they give up why because they are attractive believing that this shouldn't be the case is pointless it is what it is of course the best dating advice should include both perspectives the ideal is

to be a good and attractive partner however this is very difficult and extremely expensive most people can't do both so what happens is that people selectively emphasize the component in which they are stronger and denigrate the component in which they are weaker basically good people think they shouldn't have to be attractive attractiveness is superficial and materialistic goodness is all that should matter and attractive people think they shouldn't have to be good goodness is Impractical and naive attractiveness is all that should matter if you want to be optimally successful in the sexual Marketplace in the long

run you need to be both however if you absolutely had to prioritize one component over the other you should air on the side of being attractive if you have more of what more people most want you will be a wash in relationships of all kinds and people will compete for the privilege of your company it is what it is what do you think does this fit with your own experience let me know in the comments below and please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from this message because it's Word of Mouth

referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow and anyone looking to join my free Weekly Newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website the links are all down below as always I appreciate your support and thank you for listening