The #1 Strategy for Oppositional Defiant Kids | Brian Mendler, That One Kid

hey everybody welcome back and today we're talking about my number one strategy for kids who love to argue call them oppositional call them defiant but these kids will argue everything these are kids where you can tell them it's nice out and they're like no it's not it's beautiful you're like right that's what i said and they're like no you said nice and it's beautiful and they're two totally different things and you're like right well i know but they're basically the same thing and they're like no it's not because nice means this and beautiful means that

these are kids who will get you into a conversation and you will look back and say where the heck did the last 10 minutes of my life just go because these kids are good at taking us in circles the number one strategy for kids who love to argue is to use questions instead of statements think about it like this for kids who love to argue statements are their fuel questions are their kryptonite i said sit down no yes no yes no yes boom you're in a power struggle versus hey come here come here i want

to talk to you can you please explain to me why you think it's okay to stand instead of sit why do you think that's an okay thing to do right now i'm just curious instead of ready we don't talk to adults like that it becomes hey hey come here i want to talk to you come here come here i'm curious where in your life have you learned to talk to adults like that who in your life talks to people that way where you think that's an okay way to talk to me because i know that's

not you talking who is that inside there talking notice how by using a question i disarm the student i take the argument away from them and that's always the goal the goal is to take the argument away from the kid here's a strategy that i want you to try it's actually a challenge pick one day of your life i don't care what that day is and here's what you're gonna do from the minute you wake up in the morning until the minute you go to bed at night no matter what anyone does no matter what

anyone says for one full day you're only allowed to use questions and see what happens mr mendler what what's the homework gonna be i don't know if that's a good question what do you all think it should be you think it should be 10 problems 15 problems here's an idea how about i give you 20 problems and you pick whichever five you want what do you think about that mr manler what what's the consequence gonna be if i break that rule oh my gosh that's such a good question and i'm not sure what's it gonna

take to get you to stop calling people names i mean you and i both know the first five things i i've tried this year haven't worked do you have any ideas for me notice how by when using when i take my time to use a question i put all the decision making back on the kid and generally kids who love to argue oppositional kids are lacking power and control in their life either one of two things is happening power and control is the root cause of their behavior so being inappropriate calling out being disrespectful talking

back arguing that's not the problem it's the symptom slash solution to the problem the real problem is i'm a kid who really needs power and control in my life and the thing is power and control there's two different kinds of power and control kids let's keep it simple call power control a and power control b power and control a kid is the kid who goes home and they believe in their life that they're in complete power they have complete power and control and the truth is they do these are kids who go home and they

play play video games all night they hang out till whatever time they watch tv all night there's no structure very really in their life these are parents where you and i will try to call the parents set up an appointment we might get a hold of them we might not sometimes they make an appointment and then they don't show up so these kids are like yo i got complete power and control in my life and then all of a sudden i come to school and you teach her you're trying to take that from me and

i don't want to give that up very easily i'm holding on to this thing tight i don't have a whole lot in my life and the little bit that i do have i want to hold it and now you're trying to take it away so notice how by using a question i put that power and control back on the kid and then there's the other home life which is the home life of certain teachers truthfully right this is the home life where you know it's everything is so incredibly structured and organized the kid feels like

they have no power and control this is the kid where it's like you got football practice from three o'clock until three until 4 45 at 4 45 i will be picking you up for piano lesson that will go until 5 15. at 5 15 you will get done with there and then we'll be home by 5 30 at 5 30 you will have dinner that will last until 5 45 at 5 45 you will do your homework and when you're done with your homework you will take a shower when you're done taking a shower you

read a book and when you're done reading a book you can go to bed these are the kids where literally every single detail of their life is thought out for them and so they're craving power and control because they don't get it in their life so power and control is the problem the solution to the problem is that the kid is defiant the kid is arguing back so one of the best strategies you can use questions instead of statements all right everybody i hope you enjoyed this video if you did don't forget to subscribe don't

forget to hit that thumbs up button leave me a comment below tell me what you like tell me what you didn't like and tell me some kids give me some issues that you might be dealing with they're struggling with that i can put videos out for all right everybody i hope you all enjoyed and i'll see you on my next one take care peace